Cod Almighty | Match Report

by Miles Moss

24 August 2005

Derby County 0 Grimsby Town 1

It took me over two hours to drive to Pride Park from my house in Manchester. Heavy traffic through Altrincham, two lots of contraflow on the M6, and roadworks through Stoke which looked like they were preparing for Monster Truck Fest '05. Then I got lost on the Derby ring road and had the setting sun incinerating my retinas. Eventually I found the ground by accident. Tony's match reports usually start off with the weather; I thought I'd do you a traffic report instead. And now over to me, with the sport...

So, Pride Park. As a rule, I don't like grounds in retail parks and industrial estates, but there was something about Derby's new(ish) ground which I liked, even if they had screwed up when building the roof, which has an unusual slope where it wouldn't join up properly. Tsk. Cowboys. The stadium has character; it was only £12 to get in; and they have bars inside with big signs over the top saying "BEER". Not some poncey sponsors'-name bar, or 'Alcohol-Based Liquid Refreshment Solutions'. BEER. We sell BEER. And very nice beer it was too. What? Oh yeah, the sport...

Town lined up in a... wait for it... 4-4-2 formation as follows: Mildenhall, Ramsden, R Jones, Whittle, McDermott, Parkinson, Jean JP Paul Kamudimba JPK Kalala, Bolland, Cohen, G Jones, Reddy. The subs were Lukic, Downey, Gritton, Barwick, and Hegarty. Rambo played left-back and Parky left wing, with Cohen on the right. This was very exciting: it was my debut this season as well as JPK's, so I was getting to see him, plus Mildenhall, Bolland, G Jones and Cohen for the first time.

Derby started with a few names I recognised: Peschisolido, Chris Bolder's brother, Seth Johnson and Tudgay. Hee hee. Tudgay. Unlucky. Derby are two divisions above us, and are in third place, being so far unbeaten this season. Their official website had been trumpeting "See the Rams sink the Mariners" for a few days. "They'll lose now they've said that," said our man Mr Stilton.

First half
So Derby kicked off, with Town playing away from our end, towards the tiny goal at the other end of the enormous pitch that we could just see from our mile-high vantage point. Good view, actually, just not great for picking out details. Footballers: never mind having your name on your shirt, if you want to be recognised in stadiums this big, do something with your hair/head. Parky and JPK were easily spotted down the far end, but everyone else looked like Man In Blue Shirt.

Clearly thinking they'd be able to walk this, Derby looked organised, and some of their movement was quick, but it seemed a bit too training-ground in attitude. Twice in the opening five minutes they created chances, but both Tudgay's header and Kenna's shot missed as if they hadn't really tried to score. Nobody's heart skipped a beat, no-one blew their cheeks out. Something was going on out there - I haven't heard good things so far this season about Town's performances, but even this early things were looking good. Rob Jones was everywhere at the back; Derby almost created a few openings, but before their moves reached the danger zone, a Rob Jones Inspector Gadget leg would suddenly be there to nick the ball away... and what's more, there would be another Town player to collect it and run off with it.

Derby were finding out the pitfalls of belittling a lower-league team. This didn't look like a mismatch at all: in fact, the Rams were looking the Team Least Likely. And it was as if this confidence were emanating from the back, all four defenders snuffing out any Derby potential, and then there was Mildenhall. In the first ten minutes, he hadn't really had to do a thing, but he still looked good doing it. Last season, I'd get the jitters if I just saw a picture of Anthony Williams, but Mildo has a ring of confidence. Stop sniggering at the back.

Whether it was the formation or the new personnel, I don't know, but Town looked cohesive and purposeful. In particular, the central midfield of JPK and Bolland made things happen. So many times I have seen Town stall and splutter in this area of the pitch, but I like these two. They get the ball, they look up, they run forward with it, they spot and execute incisive passes. It's very exciting.

Town had already created a few chances, but Derby still weren't taking them seriously, more fool them. So when, after 10 minutes, Macca took a throw-in into the Derby area, the last thing they were expecting was for G Jones to control it on his chest with his back to goal, before spinning balletically on his left leg and twatting the ball into the roof of the net with his right.

To be fair, we weren't expecting that either. But bloody hell, it was good - so that's why Slade signed him. He looks big, Gary Jones. Not fat, not tall, not wide, just... big. Like he's inflatable. And he's solid - the sort of player if you ran into him full pelt, you'd bounce right off him and he'd still be standing there, laughing.

We were laughing. We were 1-0 up, and oozing confidence. Derby tried to hit back, but their two chances in the next five minutes were off target again - partly poor efforts, but mostly good defending. One chance which sticks in the mind came from a Town attack which left Whittle stranded deep into enemy territory. He waddled back as fast as he could, but all that stood between the three sprinting Derby players and Mildenhall was... yet another perfectly timed Rob Jones boot. He was having a stormer.

But it wasn't just the Jones and Jones show; everyone was getting in on the act. Bolland had a stab; Cohen's header just missed; Reddy was looking dangerously fast; and JPK had two shots from 25 yards, one going way left, the next one way right. If he'd had a third shot, it would have gone straight down the middle. Doo-bi-doo-bi-doo. Even Parky was looking good. Sure, he'd performed a couple of hopeless punts down the wing, and even nutmegged himself at one point, but there was good stuff too. Of particular note was a cut in from the left wing and across the edge of the box before dinking a perfectly subtle pass over everyone to a free Man In Blue at the far post. Laaarvely.

Before the half was over, Kenna (he seems to get forward a lot for a right-back) had another pop at Town's goal, but missed again; then at the other end Cohen showed how it was done by forcing Grant into a save. Seth Johnson was booked for fouling Parky; then Jones of the Rob variety was there once more, blocking a Pesky Peschi shot. The defence had been so good that, one very assured diving smother aside, our keeper had very little to do. And in attack we looked dangerous and purposeful.

At half time we all went indoors to escape the Geneva Convention-breaching volume of the PA, which was blaring out the inane blatherings of yet another local DJ-wannabe let loose with a radio mike. Stop this cruelty now.

Second half
Coming back to our seats, we were perturbed to see that the hero of the first half, Rob Jones, had been replaced due to injury. The upside was that we got the see the mythical beast that is Glen Downey in actual action. Of course, Town were defending the far, far end of the pitch now, so we couldn't see him all that well: he was about as clear as those pictures of the Yeti in the woods and that 1960s picture of Nessie. The Human Brigadoon played at left-back, by the way, with Ramsden moving into the middle.

Derby won a free kick on the edge of Town's box, but they missed again, perhaps attempting to lull Mildenhall into a false sense of security. Then Reddy sprinted half the length of the pitch, past three Derby players, and just had the ball nicked off him before he had the chance to shoot. Ooooooh, though, oooooooh!

Five minutes later, Derby took a corner, and Mildenhall actually had to catch the ball. Ha! His concentration span is greater than they thought. A few more poor efforts by the home side sandwiched a great chance for Reddy, the block rebounding to Jones (G), who scraped it wide.

Cohen, apparently havig done his ankle, was replaced by another new one for my spotter's book, Terry Barwick. Bar-wick, that is. Whether this was his, ahem, influence, or just coincidence, Derby suddenly became a force to reckon with, Town suffering several dangerous moments over the next ten minutes. No, you can't blame Barwick, really. All I saw him do was make a couple of goofs, but it's tough coming on as a sub - it's like being pushed onto stage with a script to fill in for the leading man who's suddenly been taken ill.

But anyway, the danger was dealt with: Mildenhall caught a Smith cross and a Rasiak shot, and then earned his corn in one brief moment: Derby broke from their right; they had men in space; it had 'goal' written all over it. From 20 yards, Bolder thumped the ball. Damn, one-all... but no - diving to his left, Millo produced a top-class save, breaking Derby hearts.

I like Steve Mildenhall. His performance, especially in this ten-minute period, seemed to calm Town players and supporters alike, and there were consequently very few of those last-fifteen-minutes jitters we've all been so used to. Even right at the death, he tipped a shot over the post, then made sure the two corners which followed came to nought.

And that was that. Town thoroughly deserved the win, defending well, and attacking like they meant it. Was it the new formation, was it the new personnel, or was it a typical example of a team raising their game against supposedly better opponents? Who can tell. But if that's the shape of things to come, I can't wait for my next dose of Town.

Man of the match
I'm sure it would have been Rob Jones, but can you MoM a man for half a match? Mildenhall was ace even when he wasn't doing anything; Bolland and JPK are very exciting in the middle; G Jones scored a belter and did lots of constructive stuff without you noticing; and Reddy put the willies up their defence. The whole team deserve the award in a way, but if I have to pick someone, it would be... dammit, he impressed me so much in 45 minutes: Rob Jones.

Ref
Er, yeah, he was quite good, I think. Er... 8.5 out of 10.