Shark-infested custard

Cod Almighty | Match Report

by Tony Butcher

10 April 2014

Grimsby Town 2 Woking 2

And we're back home. They'll be really behind us in every game we play, of course. A gaggle of Wokingers scrunched in the corner watching wheels go round and round. The mass of Marinerdom shrugged.

Town lined up in a 4-4-2 formation as follows: McKeown, Hatton, Pearson, Boyce, Thomas, Rodman, Kerr, Disley, Neilson, Jennings and John-Lewis. The substitutes in their plastic macs were Fyfield, McLaughlin, Colbeck, Hannah and Tounkara. Joltin' Joe's back! I look forward to a series of throw-ins underneath the Police Box. That's what real football is all about, that's why we're here. Shrug off will yer.

Harry Hill's yellow Cards were a bunch of blokes of indeterminate age and indiscriminate hairstyles. Heavens, it's Betsy! Oh, and that's Beasant's boy. Do we wish we had Beasant's boy?

Why? We've got Jamie Mack. We don't need new chips off old blocks. No disappointing chips in Grimsby, oh no.

First half: Fruit corners

Town kicked off towards the Osmond stand. A shot, a shot, a shot again. A minute gone, what's got into ‘em? Town got into them. Lennie looped, Rodman rapped, Disley drizzled dreamily. We're dreaming. Shots. Attacking. No barracking.

We're steaming. Dopey, ropey, hopelessly gormless. Hatton sprinkled sawdust on tragic. The Cards were not sharp. Moments, nearlyness, nevertheless Town were riveting. Rodman roamed, no-one moaned. Lennie scooped over, Magic Alex spandexed, Lennie freed, Beasant kneed away.

The game slowly, slowly seeped away. Disley was clattered by his own shadow and suffered the penalty. Booked, and we're not talking a table for two at the Kingsway.

Things happened.

Second half: You've been framed

Neither team made any changes at half time.

Town poking at Woking. Beasant flapping, Jennings on a bicycle made for two scissoring vertically. The day passed. Goals are a thing of the past.

Panic! Three yellows marauded and flew McKeownwards. Two yellows slapsticked together, plunging together, laughing together, so happy together.

Neilson stripteased himself into a bathtub. Rendell poked wide from three yards.

Kerr tickled, Thomas trundled, John-Lewis avoided the ball at the near post. Jennings flicked, the side netting rippled. Kerr slapped, Beasant spectacularly slipped the ball aside. The corner dropped, Pearson arose and boinged agin the crossbar.

More of this, more of that. More and more of a sense of impending gloom. Town are attacking. Nothing good comes of that sort of thing.

Thomas injured, Thomas limping, Thomas stayed on. Jennings, the stodgy ball dispenser, off and Tonka Toy on. Nothing can go wrong now! Colbeck replaced Neilson, adding that certain je ne sais quoi.

Disley ten yards out, the ball bouncing, a yellow leg scraped away. Disley fell over the leg. We fell over laughing

Thomas hobbling, Woking windmilling. A cross, a half shot, a half-hearted hopeless shot barundled to a yellow. McKeown swooped and superbly slapped away the shot… straight onto the shins of Boyce. Oh dear.

Thomas crawled off, Fyfield filled on and filled in. Four minutes were added.

Ticking away, tocking away, big booming balls knocked away. McKeown wallied, the ball wafted eastwards and Tounkara spun and spun and swiped inside the near post. Well, that'll do.

Woking wobbled, Town hurtled. A yellow boot thrashed downfield. Boyce alone with time, with space, with endless possibilities in life. Boyce headed to a sharp Card. The joker ran on and Townites spluttered. The ball fizzed low, Jamie Mack squished and Murtagh squashed the rebound in from six yards.

The stands emptied. The end was nigh. Rodman swiped a screamer inches over, the night was at an end. Boom, boom, boom. High balls, higher balls. Balls, balls, balls. One last balls up. Sliding right and Disley ten yards out, the ball bouncing, a yellow leg scraped away. Disley fell over the leg. We fell over laughing.

John-Lewis picked up the ball and walked towards the penalty spot. There was a kind of hush…

Beasant groped right. John-Lewis rolled perfectly past the green fingertips and there was kerfufflage by the tunnel.

Well, that was something.

Good game, good game? We ended up playing the Cards right.