Cod Almighty | Diary
A great piratical rumbustification
19 December 2014
Retro Diary writes: Match day, and tonight a few souls will travel all the way from Gloucestershire for a cold evening at Blundell Park to watch a fixture their team has never won, either home or away. I have to say that Forest Green fans are very far from my least favourite in this division, but we still hope that on this occasion they have a thoroughly miserable time. We don't feel bad about this spectacular failure of empathy because we know that their suffering is part of a bigger project, featuring deprivation, humiliation, powerlessness, boredom and extravagant expense, which will nevertheless leave them better, humbler and wiser human beings than if they spent their lives watching Chelsea on the telly. In that, at least, we are with them.
Which brings me to the thorny subject of applauding the away fans. Now I wouldn't like to see the days of huge segregating fences and being pelted with planks of wood come back, truly exciting though football was when one's personal safety was prejudiced by events on the pitch. But neither do I want to ask the away fans back for tea to congratulate them on a rather fortunate last-minute penalty decision before sending them on their long journey with a piece of cake. Somewhere between the two lies the appropriate response, and for me, applauding away fans is a step too far. It is to misunderstand the tribalistic 'war-substitute' that is football's social imperative. Outside the ground, I am a citizen of the world, polite and accepting. Inside, even Hull is too far away.
Some in the Pontoon have told me they believe that the applause for away fans is ironic, or deliberately patronising. This is a nice idea which I could work with, but I'm under the strong impression that not everybody's in on the joke. So I'd be very happy if this terrible modern habit stopped right now. It irritates me every time.
I must say I'm extremely impressed with Forest Green's eco credentials, including solar panels, green roofs and organic pitch. Well done, seriously. I am also strangely drawn to their away kit (pictured). I'm very much hoping they play in it tonight – it would add a much needed sense of fun to proceedings.
As any footy anorak of my generation knows, this was for a long time their home kit, which was an interesting curiosity for Town fans back in the days when Forest Green could only play us in their dreams. For some reason, they have changed their home kit completely, which is something that always rings alarm bells when you're trying to decide whether to take a team seriously. Now, of course, they play in green.
Yes – Forest Green, play in… green. Too much passing to the wrong chap caused that, I expect. For the record, their boots also say 'L' and 'R' on them; after all, you wouldn't want the poor loves to put them on the wrong feet.
Not so long ago, on 2 December, Forest Green had no fewer than three players sent off in a single match, away at Halifax. Two of those, Dale Bennett and Eddie Oshodi, were dismissed in the tunnel for their involvement in a melée after the final whistle. Oshodi further ruined his evening by punching the Halifax dressing room wall so hard he broke his hand, so whether he'll play tonight I don't know, although both technically come back after three-match suspensions. Manager Ady Pennock said that the brawl didn't reflect the values of the club. Right, so ban them for longer than the statutory minimum then, Ade.
Forest Green are for some reason trying to leave their 'New Lawn' home, which has never in its history seen a full house, and relocate to a horrid egg box next to junction 13 of the M5 near Stroud. They have only been at the New Lawn since 2006. The reason given by super-cool eco-entrepeneur and chairman Dale Vince is that the New Lawn is rather inconveniently 'on top of a hill' (eh?) until you realise that tops of hills are great places for lucrative wind turbines (oh yeah). Their fans must wonder where they fit into all this.
With the match being put forward to Friday, this weekend diary is even more obsolete-before-it's-started than usual. So if you're reading this on Saturday, can I just say how sorry I am for mentioning earlier that Forest Green had never beaten us. For Town, Aswad is out with a groin injury; otherwise one assumes it's 'as you were'. Forest Green's centre-forward Jon Parkin was apparently courted briefly by Town. Their fans call him 'the Beast'. I call him 'the Lump'.
Whatever happens, and although I like the ones I've met, I will not be applauding the away fans this evening. Quite likely because they'll be bouncing up and down laughing at us by then, but mostly because it's fundamentally societally and culturally wrong. Also, in the nicest possible way, it's for their own good.