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Cod Almighty | Match Report

by Tony Butcher

22 December 2014

Grimsby Town 2 Big Friendless Giants 1

A wild windy night with 14 Foresters frolicking in the Osmond. Friday night football brings in the crowds, doesn't it; now send in the clowns.

Town lined up in a crazy mad-man 4-4-2 formation as follows: McKeown, Parslow, Pearson, Nsiala, Magnay, Mackreth, Brown, Disley, Arnold, Pittman and John-Lewis. The substitutes were Bignot, Clay, Neilson, Hannah and Wee Hamish McWatson. With multi-skilled, multi-tasked, multi-functional Magnay making up for Aswad's absence and Percy Parslow at right-back, that's four centre-backs in defence. That's one way to tame The Beast of Barnsley, I suppose.

On permanent loop on the big screen, the cult of Lennie was in full swing. What a lovely smile.

I don't like their kit. Lime shirts with black hoopage and hoopy socks. It's silly. Professional clubs shouldn't let eight-year-olds design their kit.

First half: Seasonal bleatings

Town kicked off towards the Pontoon. Boo. Humbugs.

Twenty minutes of wind and free kicks. Yawn.

Percy crunched, the official fool mulled, and we whined at the free kick. It's something to do, keeps us warm on a chill winter's eve.

Football? Football! Magnay twisted twistily, Pittman just drifted right into space and grazed up onto the roof of the net. Pittman rocked and rolled for exciting nearlyness, Arnie spin-cracked down the left for Lennie to roam and whack. Raspberry Russell parry-flapped at his near post.

Town kicked off towards the Pontoon. Boo. Humbugs

Pressure, intensity, passing under the Frozen Food Stand. A clearance, Magnay read the script, stepped up and magnayficently arced a cunning cross with the outside of his right boot into zombieland. Russell flopped out, Lennie coincided with the cracking cross and collided the ball over the raspberry fool.

Let's not bother doing anything else. Five minutes of football is all you need.

A paper bag swirled over the Main Stand in crazy carousels. The football? As aimless as a leaf in a gale.

The Nailsworth Nabobs walloped longily. Magnay and Pearson followed The Beast, who caressed into the path of the unmolested Norwood. Jamie Mack's duvet was unfurled as the Tangerine Twinkletoes was smothered with the kindness of a strangler.

Paper bags, winter woolies, warm beer and old maids cycling in an open fire. That's Christmas, that's another Old Gloucester Pig of a miss. Kelly dimpled beneath the dentists, Norwood spun the ball on his toe and made the impossible possible, missing by miles when all around were on the ground. Oh, oh, oh what a lovely miss.

Five minutes. That's all we got, that's all we needed. Keep awake, don't bunk off to the Christmas party early and we'll be all right. They are up to less than us.

Second half: Haven't we seen this one before?

Neither side made any changes at half time. They still wore their silly socks.

Them, us, them, them, us. Us, us, us, them, them, them, them, them. Them. I'm simply listing the order of throw-ins.

There were moments when they almost had a shot. There were moments when the referee almost didn't give them a free kick. I said almost.

Brown this wayed and thatted along the edge of the area, clipping cutely to Pittman on the right. The magisterial JP schnozzled and slapped lowly, Russell saved superbly.

Lee Hughes arrived to a small chorus of disapproval. We may as well ignore him. He is simply wasting someone's money these days

Them, them, them, them ah… us. Arnold caressed and we had another Brown surger. Jacky Macky raced alongside and spanked straight at Russell.

Them, them, them, them, ah… us. Brown wellied lowly, Russell plunged right and pushed aside.

Town were playing on the counterattack. Forest Green were playing in our half, running headlong into a monochrome wall. They were getting closer to having a shot.

A free kick that wasn't was cleared, then casually given away by the Demon Barber of Park Street. A green man surged through several non-tackles, The Beast swivelled the ball onwards and Magnay half deflected the cross up towards the penalty spot. The Dizzer arose and weakly noodled straight to Stokes, who swangled straight into the top left corner past the unsighted and unmoving Jamie Mack. We're unsurprised.

What are we doing?

Clay replaced Brown to the rumbling disgruntlement of the winter woolly set. A throw-in was thrown, Lennie dinked behind their wind farms towards the penalty spot and in the ball rolled after a surprising Dizzer tickle.

Well, that's nice.

Kelly crossed, Toto ankle hopped away gingerly, Norwood wellied and Jamie Mack spectacularly fingertipped over the bar.

Substitutions were made as Neilson replaced Pittman, with Arnold moving to the centre. Lee Hughes arrived to a small chorus of disapproval. We may as well ignore him. He is simply wasting someone's money these days. You want proof? A free kick that wasn't was glanced onwards, drifting dreamily towards the bottom right corner. Hughes and another jolly green giant missed the ball two yards out and it sneaked an inch past the post. That's two of them going nowhere spending someone's hard-earned pay.

What else? Jamie Mack came out and nothing happened. Magnay collided with Dizzer's boots and on came Bignot. The worm turned in added time, making daft decisions in Town's favour. That's what else.

The five minutes around Lennie's goal were really quite good. Forget the rest and don't forget to sprinkle nutmeg on your sprouts.

Forest Green? They're on their way home, they're going home.