Cod Almighty | Diary

Pop will eat itself

10 February 2016

Wicklow Diary writes: Following original/regular Diary in that kind of form leaves me feeling like whichever forgotten act tried to go on after Queen at Live Aid. Meta-football. Perfect. It should become a recognised phrase so we all know where we stand.

"Do you like football?"
"Nah mate, haven't got time for that. I'm more of a meta-football man myself."

Go and read it and Devon's rallying call from last week again. Then spread the word. Email, tweet and print a dozen out to bring to your next game if necessary.

Last night's game was one of the first of several banana peel midweek games between now and 30 April. We'll need to win them all. Somehow. Draws aren't likely to be much cop if we want the title. It should go without saying that we all need to be singing from the same diary sheet and be right behind the team. Even if you're a meta-football man. Paul Hurst isn't going anywhere between now and then. If you genuinely want promotion, the Hurst Show is playing twice weekly and it's the only show in town. If we don't quite make the title, we'll need the same attitude from you for the play-offs, ta very much.

The weather last night was Siberian, almost upper Findus-like. The floodlighting used the same low-wattage bulbs that we had at Blundell Park in the 1980s. The well-organised opposition were keen to get one over on us. The Town fans made surprised comments that the non-League ground they were attending looked so, err, non-League. We can expect a dose of the same at Guiseley, Woking and Aldershot. Conceding an early goal had our fragile minds recalling Gateshead.

All a contrast to our early goals with all the bells and whistles of a sunny first Saturday of the season at Blundell Park. The performance last night wasn't as convincing but Town were up to the different challenge and found a way to get the points. Further positives were JP chipping in with the winner and Nolan starting to sound like he could be an all-conquering stud who reduces fans of his previous club to tears.

Here at Cod Almighty, the victory means we don't have to reset the "days since a GTFC fan meltdown" clock to zero. I wouldn't have time to mess with it this morning anyway. Celebration of JP's winner caused an accident in the kitchen involving pancakes and golden syrup. If I can't find something to shift the Lyle's off the kitchen floor we may have to have to move house.

The meltdown clock is ticking away alongside others such as "days since a GTFC promotion: 6,471", "days since a stadium update: 75" and "days since a John Fenty finger pointing picture: 53". Yes, in case you've forgotten, our last promotion was 18 seasons ago. Punch the air with pride that this destroys our previous best of 14 seasons spanning the second world war. Like the punchline to a poor-taste too-many-pancakes constipation joke, we're well overdue a movement.

The yo-yo statistic that we are the most relegated/promoted club surfaced again recently. This is more than just trivia to roll out down the pub. The detail behind the data should be a valuable commodity. We should be experts in the field.

Mr Fenty, if you've taken a moment out from reading The Fishy, please don't take offence, but every major decision you have made has been wrong

Outsiders just see the cold statistics but we've lived every detail of the seasons that make up our highs and lows. What have we learned, apart from player-managers are a bad idea? When you look at the details, it is amazing to see just how vulnerable and precarious things are. In general, our fate is primarily sealed by the manager we appoint. Using 1979-80, the season of my first game as a start point, let's get deal with the bad news first.

Relegation
1986-87: Lyons
1987-88: Roberts
1996-97: Laws and Swain
2002-03: Groves
2003-04: Groves and Law
2009-10: Newell and Woods

Of these, Groves and Roberts get a free pass – Groves had a 10p budget after the ITV Digital fuckaroundery. Roberts inherited Lyons' mess and had to build a team from six outfield players and a defence consisting of Steve Sherwood's moustache. He nearly did too. In fact, for simplicity and justice, let's just award the 1987-88 relegation to Lyons too.

Newell gets an honorary relegation, and not just for writing off the car before handing the keys over to Woodsy. I'm not allowing it to be forgotten that without Luton's 30-point deduction, we'd probably have been down the plughole the year before. I'm almost tempted to award an honorary relegation to Lawrence for his no-expense-spared-guv'nor dismantling of AB II's team.

Disasters like Newell, Lyons and Laws didn't initially look like the complete shambles they turned out to be. All three, Laws and Lyons in particular, inherited capable teams. This effect is similar to when then button pops on your best pants and you decide to wing it with just a belt. It'll work for a while. Then the tension in the zip starts to fail and suddenly everyone can see your Y-fronts.

Now to the happier times.

Promotion
1978-79: Newman
1979-80: Kerr
1989-90: Buckley I
1990-91: Buckley I
1997-98: Buckley II

For the sake of my argument and finishing up this diary, I'm going to quickly deduce that the requirements for a Town promotion in my lifetime are having either a genius manager or the greatest crop of local talent in the history of the club (thank you Tom Casey). Ignoring the  ITV Digital fiasco, our requirements for relegation are much easier to come by – a duff manager. That's it. We are always one bad manager from relegation.

Mr Fenty, if you've taken a moment out from reading The Fishy, please don't take offence, but every major decision you have made has been wrong. Except the appointment of Paul Hurst. Somehow, I hope through experience and not pure luck, you've managed to find a manager who can improve the team and maintain what appears to be a good, stable relationship with yourself.

If, however, Hurst was just a lucky appointment, no Mariner should be looking forward to the next time we have to enter the lottery of finding a genius manager. Happy to spin the wheel on that, meta-football man?

In other real news, nobody has yet confirmed the identity of the mystery man spotted in training this week at Blundell Park – the last player who turned up unannounced was Podge, so the omens are good. If it is Doncaster's Dany N'Guessan, as some have speculated online, this would be a good omen too.

Coincidentally, the reserves travel to Donny today and kick off at 1pm.