Cod Almighty | Diary

Happy Together

4 December 2017

Your Deviant Diary ponders what to do on a matchless weekend. How about a bit of late privet pruning? A sojourn in Louth for some recreational cheese? No, not the cricket. You're supposed to enjoy yourself.

With the players having a bit of R&R, ex-Toll Bar moustachioed midfielder Paul Wilkinson has been watching football matches, and the benign loan wolf of Humberston Avenue has been working on his new fragrance. Clear that foul stench in the air with Obsession by John Fenty – it'll be all over you by Christmas! Yes, our very own Toytown Trump wouldn't let it lie and is redoubling his rebuffing with another round of rebuttals in the Grimsby Pravda, exclusive from the snooker room.

A bald man shouldn't pick a fight with a comb. It just draws attention to the lack of follicle substance.

Let's have a little perspective on this overheated pudding: there doesn't seem to be enough room to cue from the baulk cushion and I worry about that clock. And the interior décor: that's a Play School window into someone's mind. Shall we go through the round window and play House Doctor at Chez Fentycon, the oligarch's lair known as Dunmoanin'? Soft furnishings, hard facts. No chintz please, were skittish.

The word on the Fashion Street is still divided over last Tuesday's shocking sartorial selections, which are even more baffling than Slade's persistence with the oldest swingers in town. Was magical Mr Majority Starsky or Hutch? Nah, more Huggy Bear. A minor Russian gangster? You know, the third from the left that Steven Seagull Hi-Karates through a handy window? More like The Unprofessionals – I know you can hear the squelchy brass groove and have visions of John Shelton Fenty (Conservative) leaping across the bonnet of an orange Capri.

Shame this came too late for the CA Official Unofficial 2018 GTFC calendar. Well, there's always next year for the gift that keeps on giving. Pictures of Fenty make your life so wonderful.

Notts County and Luton tickets are on sale NOW! And Jamey Osborne has gone home to Solihull for Christmas.

Remember kids: don't diss Unity Day this Saturday. We'll never hear the end of it unless we accept the will of the Fragrant One, the Dear Leader.