On the fringes of nowhere: Gateshead (h)

Cod Almighty | Match Report

by Tony Butcher

9 April 2012

Grimsby Town 2 Gateshead 0

Why are we here? It's a civic duty. Seventy six Tyneside trombones slid into the Osmond stand on a wet, wet and wetter afternoon in the afterlife of this season.

Town lined up in the usual 4-4-2 formation as follows: McKeown, Silk, Pearson, Miller, Townsend, Coulson, Disley, Church, Artus, Hughes-Mason-Hughes, Hearn. The substitutes were I'Anson, Thanoj, Soares, Winn and Duffy. No Elding. That's a fact. Winn broke a seat. That's a fact too.

Tonight Matthew, Gateshead shall be Scunthorpe.

First half: It's a Knockabout
Town kicked off towards the Pontoon. Mad Frankie had a meltdown. He did the hokey-cokey and turned around, stumbling, bumbling, fumbling and finally rumbling goalwards. Mr Flappy Keeper spilled his cup of tea.

Mr Flappy flapped and slapped and clapped and finally snapped. Artus za-zoomed a corner inswingingly, Pearson ducked and bonked through the keeper's legs at the near post.

Gateshead twirled and curled their hair coquettishly before passing straight out of play. Tip-tap, a bunch of saps. Town clamped.

Hearn escaped left and right and crossed through the emptiness. Artus za-zoomed a cross inswingingly; Pearson arose and bonked goalwards. Farman flapped his wings and the egg rolled away. Church scrappled; Farman rhythmically gymnasted the ball along the whole length of his body before fly-kicking off the line. Church tackled Disley. Oh how we laughed.

Gateshead had a cross. Are you sure? Yes, it was Shaw and poor.

Hearn flew free and Farman flapped to Coulson. Sigh as the ball flew high. Move along please, it's all under control, Silk didn't leg up a tiny Tyne tot on the edge of the area. Oh no.

And in the end Hearn ran and ran and ran and ran and shinned way over and way wide from way inside the penalty area.

Second half: The big drip
Neither side made any changes at half time.

Nothing happened for ages, though the rain started to pelt. Then Gateshead melted again.

Repeat first goal. Artus za-zoomed a corner inswingingly, Pearson missed, the ball hit a maroon man and bounced slowly off Pearson's back.

They made some substitutions. I didn't know Micky Cummins was playing. Neither did he. Byeee.

Ah space, Town's final frontier. One-touch passing: flick, flick and a trick shot from Coulson saved lowly. Ooh, pictures at a wet exhibition. More passing, more movement, more this and more that. Hearn wellied over, Hearn wellied over again, Coulson wellied well over. Thanoj replaced Church. Instant satisfaction. Passing, mmmmmmm. Winn replaced Hughes-Mason-Hughes and Coulson moved to centre-forward. More passing and movement, mmmmmm.

Winn walloped wide, Thanoj throttled and Disley dinked. Thanoj retrieved and rolled Hearnward Ho. Over came the cross and Thanoj steered a header at Farman. Winn walloped the rebound and the keeper flew left to divert on to the crossbar.

Gateshead? Odubade tickled a header off Pearson's six-pack and the ball rolled safely wide. That was their first, their last, their everything.

They were no matched for Town's untamed wits. Town were by far the better mid-tablers.