Cod Almighty | Postbag
The one with a Parental Advisory sticker (if we were a prudish high street record shop)
5 March 2003
In this week's Postbag: get down, boy; shooting from the hip; a right good staking; deep throat?; and aural rape.
Having probs getting a player to BP, Grovesie? Just bribe the dj of the targetted player's favourite disco to repeatedly play Lipps Inc's funk-infected disco frenzy 'Funky Town'. Featuring such ruthlessly sumbliminal lyrics as 'talk about, talk about, talk about mooo-ving' and 'gotta to move on, gotta move on, gotta move on'. And who has forgotten Grimsby's reputation as being da funkiest town of them all? The Pier! Says it all! The player'll be demanding his agent to "take me to funk-kay toooown" in no time. Easy. Anyone got a vocoder to lend Grovesie?
from Dave Watson
According to Sky Sports Crystal Palace chief executive Phil Alexander has masterminded a new idea regarding the play-offs. It has already been discussed by the Football League's board and will be put to the League's 72 clubs in April.
You see, as soon as it gets to this bit, the new idea should be thrown out. Why don't we ever hear "Grimsby Town supremo Peter Furneaux has masterminded a new idea, and it has already been discussed by the Football League. His plan is to make all shyster clubs like Wolves and Palace just FUCK OFF for good. He was quoted as saying 'Who the fuck do the cunts think they are? Fucking, just because they get a few thousands through their bastard turnstyles, they think they're bloody Juventus and think they can fucking well suggest what they fucking well like. For fuck's sake. They're bastard Crystal fucking Palace for bastards sake. Why the hell are we even listening to their fucking penis envy plans to get in the premier league? Just because they're too fucking shit to do it properly and try and fucking win the league. Fucking losers. Should we be listening to fucking losers?'"
They should do it so that they all play each other like they currently have been doing and stop fucking moaning when they lose. If you're not good enough, you're not good enough. Simple as.
I'm an advocate of the playoffs as they stand. If you lose, so fucking what, stop fucking moaning. If you're good enough then you'll win the league next year anyway. If you're not good enough then you'll lose in the playoffs again. Like a fucking loser. And losers can fuck off.
from Mark Stilton
More rip-roaring tales
In response to Mat Hare's email in last week's postbag regarding Jack The Ripper and the Yorkshire Ripper, did the change coincide with the publication of the classic graphic novel 'From Hell'? The story draws strong attention to the fact that JACK THE RIPPER actually killed prostitutes in LONDON. And carrying the sad, geeky, death-fixated Ripper theme on, is there any chance that Giles from Buffy could - potentially - be a future terrace hero?
from Geoff Corrin
On the front page of your lovely site is a picture of a postman. Is he eating a banana, or is he trying to stop a small owl flying down his throat?
from Mr V H Phaaaal, Papua New Guinea
I've worked out what annoys me so much about the Radio Humberside phone in on Saturdays. It isn't the endless number of Hell fans thinking that their most recent win will be the spur for a late promotion play off drive. Nope. It isn't the endless number of Town fans who ring up and expect a sugar daddy to appear from nowhere. Nope. It's not listening to Brian Laws either. Nope. It's all that music they use. It's bad enough having to listen to 2 Unlimited piped through the Blundell Park tannoy at half time without having to suffer Embrace and Monaco on the way home as well.
from Alex Winter
Now that's more like it! See how easy it is? You don't even have to try! Just let it flow through the feedback page.