Cod Almighty | Diary

Send out the clowns

13 January 2021

B-O-T-B! It’s fun to stay at the B-O-T-B! Except it isn't, and you're not allowed to anyway. We're all busy being lockdowned.

Well, 2021 has started off as a big pile of steaming dung, same way 2020 ended. Will life ever be sane again? I saw people panicking on the streets of Humberside, and called the police. Bloody covidiots. On a related note, one of the great lies of the modern age is "nobody likes lockdown!" I'm pretty sure lots of people do. My god, when it's over they are going to miss having a bunch of illogical and petty rules to obey, not being able to call the police if they see people in a group of two, and having beautiful thoughts about themselves because they've slathered themselves in sanitizer and locked themselves in a cupboard wearing a hazmat suit made of masks for the last 12 months.

Derbyshire police in particular will be distraught, They’ll have to settle for Uncle Hans telling them bedtime stories about East Berlin in the seventies. Biting, huh? Satire, yeah? BOTB, bringing it down.

Football? Must we? It’s all pretty crap, apart from Scunny losing to an 89th minute goal last night. I approved of that. Yesterday's big news was of course that the club has been fined for ignoring Covid protocols, now famously involving a "team building" game of darts. As the late Sid Waddell would say

Crawley Town - one hundred and eeeigghty!

Grimsby Town - …... seventeen

Al sithee! No, hang on. That was Fred Trueman. Did we really used to watch random men playing table football on peak-time television? Tell that to anyone who claims it were better in the old days. It bloody weren't. And the Crazy Gang weren't funny. I'll tell ya that for nowt.

Obviously since the outgoing board and the outgone manager are decent and honourable men, they will pay the indoor league/bullseye fine themselves, since the shitshow occurred under their watch. I've not seen an announcement to that effect, but any minute now, I'm sure. They might put in something about the big chunk of shares that Fenty weasled out of the Trust as well. Later today, perhaps?

Which reminds me, if you were casting Wind in the Willows using only shit football managers, Ian Holloway would make a great weasel. He could keep the silly hat on as well. Useful tip there for theatrical types. You're very welcome. PS Roy Hodgson - Ratty.

Other news? Well, it’s the transfer window, and plucky little Grimsby Town manager Paul Hurst is desperate for new players ahead of Saturday's crunch defeat to Southend. Sadly no-one seems to want to come to play for a load of bottom-of-the-table bollocks, and his idea of having a team of dogs running about seems more appealing and likely by the minute. Although knowing us, we'd buy a 12-year-old golden retriever with three legs from Bradford and a three-week-old but enthusiastic puppy from Bristol City. Satire, ladies and gentleman. Hitting the spot.

Are you sick of us being shit? Remember when Holloway/Bignot/Slade/Jolley/Hurst/Newell arrived and we were really excited because we weren't going to be shit anymore? All false dawns. Literally the only triumph since the onset of Fenty was the promotion from non-League, which is a bit like throwing yourself into a well and congratulating yourself because you managed to climb out again. I've written a very short, and two weeks out of date, poem about it.

This wretched football club is cursed!
Oh well, never mind. Here comes Paul Hurst.

I say this every week but football without fans isn't football. It's something else. Do you really think some of our players would have been as lacklustre and unmotivated if they had Fat Sweary John from the Ponny breathing down their neck? Or, for younger readers, if Nev the Guidance Counseller in the Main Stand wasn't bringing them positive character affirmations to boost their self-esteem?

Was that satire or just reactionary? I'm too old to tell. 

Breaking: Brentford are making a large bid for Siriki Dembele. Brentford. Just let that sink in for a moment. Brentford. Brentford. Brentford. Sad yet?

I should end this downbeat diary on a positive note, so... erm... yay! UTM! Cool beans! I-yi-yi-yi like big butts and I cannot lie! Football, football, football! All of the noise takes me to the outside where there's all creations joining in celebrating happiness and joy all around the world on land and in the sea! C'mon the mighties! We can do this!* New board, new year, new manager, new hope!!!

*mathematically but probaby not realistically, let's be honest.