Cod Almighty | Diary

A New World Order

10 September 2021

Sadly, after yesterday’s injection of youthful energy, we are back to the dinosaur diarists of the Kevindrinkellic Era.

Yes, it's me, BOTB, the man who put the G in GTFC, still representing the T-E-T-Nee. My musical references may be way out of date, but at least I'm not alone, since one of the headlines in the Daily Mail is "Eve Graham from The New Seekers weighs in on ABBA". I'm fascinated to know what Eve Graham of the New Seekers has weighed in with on the Abba question, of course, but having a massive dislike of the DM, and indeed newspapers in general, I will not be sating my curiosity.

So, the reason I've asked you all here today is to talk about Grimsby Town. Isn't it fun being in the top half of a table, even if it's the Bananananarama? If we ever aren't in the top half of this pissing league I expect everybody in the club to be sacked immediately, but that isn't the point. We can read a table from the top downwards and see our team within a few seconds. Rejoice.

I'm enjoying having Barnet as the last game played, because it was great fun. It had it all – penalties, sendings off, comebacks, great goals and even comedy as hapless Harry Kewell claimed his rank Barnet team were "the best side from the off." Managers in the sack danger zone frequently say things like that hoping their chairperson doesn't watch the highlights.

Incidentally, I got my friends from NASA to run a sequence of experiments with the ball hitting footballer's armpits and then studying the resulting trajectory of the ball. Professor Gary Henshaw takes up the story.

"We found that the ball either stuck in the armpit looking like a serious incurable fungal infection, or went downwards and into the ground. We were unable to recreate the claimed ball/armpit/over the crossbar sequence of events claimed by Harry Kewell. As an aside, we would like to point out that the words 'Harry Kewell' fit perfectly into the Boney M song Daddy Cool and all of our operatives have been entertaining themselves singing this pastiche during the research. We are currently unable to weigh in on the New Seekers/Abba question due to a lack of funds or interest."

An Australian politician used the phrase "New World Order" today, which apparently has sent conspiracy theorists into a tizzy. I'm fascinated by conspiracy theories, not least because the concept is so nebulous as to include a million lies and a million truths, but also because they are such fun. I'm happy to believe that our world is run by venal psychopaths, but what I can't believe is that it is run by intelligent venal psychopaths. This is why QAnon was such a non-starter – it involved Donald Trump not only being decent but also not being a hopeless fuckwit. Would you trust Boris Johnson to run a secret cabal? If you left him to run a bath he'd flood your house out.

What the venal psychopaths who run the world want to do is sell you shit, and get as much sex/money/power as possible. I doubt they want to kill/enslave you unless absolutely necessary. Can you imagine John Fenty as part of the Illuminati? Yes, he'd have the power and the money, but any arcane and secret plans he hatched for world (or even local) domination would be scuttled by his inadequate cerebral cortex.

I seem to have digressed.

Tomorrow the Mighties make the long trip (as journalists always say) to Torquay. Sadly they will have to make the trip without hoped-for returnee Omar Bogle, who has turned us down flat. I hope this hasn't anything to do with the time he was shopping in Cleethorpes Tesco when a CA diarist walked past him, punched the air and shouted "Omar!" as though the star striker didn't know what his own name was. If it is to do with this incident, I can only apologise.

Incidentally, I once organised a week's holiday near Torquay one October, booking it in March. Three months later when the fixtures came out I found it coincided with Town's away game there, which I was consequently able to see. That was astonishingly lucky, wasn't it? Perhaps my connection to the New League Order helped me out. It's a freemasonry thing.

I won't be going tomorrow, because I'm busy planning world events. If you do, you have my admiration and I hope the stripy ones give you something to celebrate. I'll do my best to make sure we get a good result. I know people.

OTO! Sorry, I mean UTM.