A rough guide to... Woking

Cod Almighty | Article

by Tony Butcher

7 October 2021

Aliens have landed in a town called Malice. Tony breezes into Woking

How are you?

Struggle after struggle, year after year and the atmosphere's a fine blend of ice. At the moment they're bound for somewhere, though they're behind everyone through a Covid outbreak that had their manager in full meltdown, ranting about the selfishness of the youth of today.

Which don't half remind me of the time Mr Green went mental in metalwork 'cos I forgot to bring the apron, complaining about "you young people standing around on street corners gobbing on everyone".

Big Al, the Card Boys' pal has every right to be angry considering he contracted Covid and nearly died last year. Perhaps full of contrition, they haven't stopped winning since. So they're feeling groovy at the mo.

Medium time, no see?

Who can forget the day a thousand Mariners turned up as Robert Walpole and the super sexy Charles James Fox. Yes, 7 March 2015 and Whigs at Woking with Craig Disley donning a William Pitt the Elder toupée. Oh, the other kind of wig.

The Cardiboys got relegated in 2018 under the Aussie Ant, but came straight back up, so we find them where we left them, like a pair of old slippers right there under the stairs. They've turned full-time professional now after the arrival of an American investor.

We share a thoroughly rational antipathy towards Stevenage, so if you happen to sit next to a wayward Wokingite, you can strike up an instant friendship with wild tales of the Football League and their wacky ways.

How are you feeling?

They are still a bit sore at losing Jake Hyde in 2020 but, overall, they are beginning to feel rather chipper as they chip away at the financially fragrant fancy dans and Football League failures.

They are looking up at the stars not down at the gutter of relegation.

Where are you from?

You could go on for hours about this town called Woking, only 24 minutes from Waterloo. Let's hope Town aren't in a jam come Saturday tea time. Wacka-wacka-wacka.

Yes Woking, let's not play celebrity poker with them. They gifted the world the Modfather, Rick Parfitt, Delia Smith and nobody is forgetting Derek Griffiths. Well, we are playing away. Aliens landed near here you know, I read it in a book once, so it must be true. And they've got a statue to prove it.

The football club is an arriviste, having only been around since 1887, and "boasts" Martin Tyler as assistant manager. How very non-League. That's like making Lloyd Griffith kitman. Cockers junior (the permed variety, don't mention Paul Davis) cut his managerial teeth here, you know.

Here's a clue for you all: the Walrus was Paul. And in Bromleyesque fashion we've got an uncovered terrace, but it really doesn't matter if it's raining or it's fine just as long as you've got time to sneak into the seats. It's a free for all where you pay the same for standing and sitting.

Good luck out there.

You must be so missing 1991

Fringes flopped and the West Brom keeper flapped. Oh those days, those endless days you Wokingites remember all your life. Bring Your Daughter to the Slaughter at number one in the hit parade of popular record purchasing, edging out Vanilla Ice and the Seal. All together now, craaaaaaazy times.

Yes, Tim Buzaglo's hat trick in the 4-2 win at second division Baggies (containing a pre-Town Shakespeare and both post and pre-Town Tony Tony Tony Tony Tony Ford) had 'em in the headlines, with Woking's worthy winner whisked off for an audience with Des in the Match of the Day studio.

They lost 1-0 at Everton in the next round, nearly squeaking a replay when Buzaglo jabbed against the outside of a post. And then it was back to the usual few hundred watching 'em lose to Basingstoke.

They won't forget a single day of that month, believe me. And why not.

Pre-Match Factfile


Unfortunately, suddenly belting. Having belted three past Chesterfield, four at Notts County and Torquay, they carried on their giant killing act against Dagenham this week. A Bromley-sized Bananarama skin waiting to happen. Please, no rain.

Last time

Ah yes, last time they didn't try hard and that did please us. Three happy games in the happy season – a home win, an FA Trophy stroll, and 3-1 awayday where we were wigless in Woking but peerless near Purley. Pádraig Amond beat 'em on the bottom with a Woman's Weekly.


You may say to yourself "It's Max Kretzschmar, mainly because of his bad Bond baddie name". And you may ask yourself "Is it Jordan Maguire-Drew, 'cos I've heard of him?" Are you right or are you wrong? Or you may say to yourself "Is it iffy Inih Effiong and Tahvon Campbell, because they keep scoring goals?" We can't be doing with that.

Ex-Town factor

Along with failed triallist Inih Effiong, there's failed loanee Christian Jolley, who will be carrying a magic sponge along with an air of diffidence - he's a physio there. We know Effiong's going to score, don't we. He failed that trial with us in January 2017 by scoring twice against Rotherham in a reserve game. He really hadn't done his homework on what makes a top Town striker.

Rivalometer – 0.852

We've only played them nine times, all between 2012 and 2016. We've never lost to them and never played them when we're lower than fifth in the Bananarama.

There's no rivalry, we occasionally meet and they have been perfect guests.

Let's carry on this relationship as it is, it's working perfectly for us.