Cod Almighty

Happy endings are just stories that haven't finished yet

Diary

Friday 31 October
Having read all the set texts, the Diary is now in a position to inform you that Paul Groves will probably return to the turf tomorrow for a first appearance since a certain result in the north-east of which you will most likely not wish to be reminded. Darren Barnard's poorly foot has failed to return to a healthy size, meaning the services of Jason Crowe will be required in the left-back position. This in turn opens up a vacancy in the centre of defence, with Tony Crane suspended and Simon Ford still hamstrung, and so it comes down to a celebrity deathmatch between Groves and Young Greg, who I'm not convinced that the boss entirely trusts since a 'mixed' debut performance against Reading late last season. The question on every Grimbarian's lips is bound to be whether Paul will still do the old geeing up the crowd thing if he's actually playing. And isn't it funny how this seems to have made him a good manager all of a sudden.

Great big scary striker Onandi Lowe is to return to Diamonds' line-up after sitting out eight games with a mercantile groin implication. Before that he'd scored eight in the first nine matches, it says here, so, er, yikes. Mark Stilton has only just got back from Rome and is reeling off distressed text messages from St Pancras, so not only will he be absent from the Rushden side; it also means there's no Refwatch today. The Diary, meanwhile, will be appearing in an Irthlingborough bookshop before the game, or if there isn't one then a pub, to sign the chests of any readers in the vicinity.

Full-time contrarian Mat Winn has reacted adversely to yesterday's Diary. "I'm yet to read a message on any GTFC messageboards stating that Boulding should be dropped for Jevons!" he thunders, daring to call into question the Diary's journalistic integrity. "However," he continues, " - I have seen messages stating that Iffy should be dropped for Jevons or at least make way during the 2nd half for Jevons to come on!" For me, though, you see, Boulding and Jevons are too similar. Except Boulding has always been a decent finisher. And doesn't give up easily. And has never slagged off the club in public. But anyway... "Nobody in their right mind would want Boulding dropped!" Well, absolutely - but like I said, this was on a messageboard.

Thursday 30 October
The messageboards will again be alive with the sound of nesbits wanting Michael Boulding to be dropped after Phil Jevons' hat-trick for GTFC reserves yesterday afternoon. The former Everton striker, who put all his goalscoring eggs in one Grimsby basket with that sensational winner in Town's League Cup victory over Liverpool two years ago, bagged three as the second string ran out 5-2 winners over Scunthorpe in the Maplin's Cup or something, with Graham Hockless and an own goal making up the balance. "I'm just going to get my head down, work hard and be patient," the handsomely remunerated forward tells the Grimsby Telegraph, though it is unclear whether this is a new interview or the paper has started running repeats. Pondering the cases of Jevons, Alan Pouton and Terry Cooke, the Diary wonders whether Town fans whose favourite players are the ones who never play might have something of the night about them.

For the third time this season Town are to be accorded the tremendous honour of having their left-back nicked, as Darren Barnard has been rewarded for his barnstorming performance for Wales against Serbia & Montenegro earlier this month with another international call-up. This time it's Stockport who will benefit from Mark Hughes' brazen lack of shame at resorting to Grimsby players, as his side's Euro 2004 play-offs against plucky little Russia coincide with County's visit to BP on 15 November. The Diary seems to have reported all of this on 14 October, as it goes, but the club and the BBC are both running with it today and I didn't want to feel left out. Bazza also reveals to BBC Humber that he is "pretty confident" of recovering from his bruised foot in time to face Rushden this Saturday.

Also celebrating a call-up for the land of his fathers is Mr Daniel Coyne, lately of Leicester, less lately of Grimsby. Not that I would normally have mentioned it, but it's quite a good link to the news that the custard custodian made his full debut for the midlands snack food fetishists last night, reportedly pulling off a series of eye-catching saves but failing to prevent his side slipping out of the League Cup at Villa Park by the far from emphatic margin of one goal to nil. Coyne has been "singled out for praise", as the journalists say, by Foxes boss Micky Adams, raising the possibility, however remote, of the former Mariner displacing England's Ian Walker as his new club's number one number one.

All that remains for the Diary today, then, is to urge you to spend the next week laughing at the way Michael Howard talks.

Wednesday 29 October
The local media suddenly remember that Tony Crane is suspended for this weekend's visit to Rushden & Diamonds, sparking an injury crisis in Town's back four. After yesterday's news that Darren Barnard could sit out the trip to Northamptonshire with a bruised foot picked up at Barnsley last Saturday, both the Grimsby Telegraph and BBC Humber are running stories speculating that Jason Crowe and the inexperienced Greg Young may have to be drafted in, though Paul Groves remains an option at centre-back and Wes Parker on the left. The Town boss has omitted himself from the reserves squad that faces Scunthorpe at Blundell Park in, oooh, 38 minutes' time, and you can read into that what you like; while the slowly improving Crane misses the rural idyll of Irthlingborough having received five yellow cards this season.

The Telegraph also carries a heart-rending interview with youth team player Paul Fraser, who suffered the Curse of Croudson in picking up an 18-rated arm injury as the little 'uns took on Bradford's earlier this month. The young keeper had a good chance of making the England Schools or British Colleges teams and even though I still don't know what they are, you have to feel a twinge for the lad. "I was hoping to play for them both this year," says a mournful Paul. "I was told they had high hopes for me." The Bradford game was abandoned and the player is set to miss the rest of the season, but hopefully any similarities with the Boston Kitten end with the news that Fraser "has been assured he will get the chance to prove himself at the club next year."

In sending the Diary one of those text message things that I understand are very popular with today's youngsters, Cod Almighty's very own Simon Wilson joins in this week's discussion of matches Town didn't win but that were satisfying nonetheless. Like at Barnsley last Saturday, when Tony Gallimore missed a penalty. Sorry - I just like saying it. "I found the last-day thumping of Oldham back in 97 particularly amusing in a gallows humour kind of way," thumbs Si, who is secretly learning the guitar. "We won that battle, yet we lost the war." I think you mean Southend, and we were talking about matches Town didn't win, but thanks anyway, old chum. Have you mastered the chord of E minor yet?

Richard Branson's trains may have caused the Diary sufficient extreme stress over recent years to have shortened my life by approximately 20, two-oh, years; but his radio station has a lot of faith in the Mariners, going by an email sent by Mat Hare yesterday. "The 8:30 news on Virgin Radio this morning contained some excellent news," writes CA's alcoholic gambling expert. "Grimsby are going to be promoted at the end of this season. Woohoo!" Whatever can he mean? "The story concerned Leeds announcing that record loss of just under £50m and the newscaster announcing that the supporters were now 'planning trips to Grimsby.' There was then a clip from the head of the supporters' club saying that they were indeed looking at a map of the Nationwide because they think relegation is almost certain. So we are going to meet them next season in Division 1. Either that or they will be relegated two divisions due to financial irregularities..."

Staying with last weekend's goalless draw at Barnsley - in which Tony Gallimore, incidentally, missed a penalty - Diary readers may be diverted by a match report on a Rivals site which, I regret to have to inform you, puts Stuart Rowson's mastery of the extended metaphor quite to shame.

Tuesday 28 October
Sad news from GTFC, who announce that former vice-chairman and long-serving director Tom Lindley died at the weekend aged 84. Mr Lindley joined the board at Blundell Park in the 1960s and served as both managing director and vice-chairman during the eighties, continuing his association with the club until 1996. In an obituary on Town's official site current chairman Peter Furneaux describes him as "a lovely man who gave so much to the club".

Two doubtful Darrens are reported by the Grimsby Telegrumble as Town prepare for a first ever visit to Irthlingborough this Saturday to face Rushden & Diamonds. Mr Barnard bruised his foot - or had it bruised for him; it doesn't say which - in last Saturday's stalemate at Barnsley, while Mr Mansaram is suffering from that well-known footballers' complaint "illness" and could miss a reserves game tomorrow afternoon. "Darren needs games but we don't know if he'll be available," says Paul G, presumably of Mansaram and presumably not talking about Cluedo.

But, announces Town's official site in characteristic upper-case overdrive, there is "Great News for all Grimsby Town Supporters when you visit Nene Park this Saturday." Rushden, it turns out, are doing one of those 'kid for a quid' deals and it extends to away fans; which, far from being happy tidings "for all Grimsby Town Supporters", will surely bring gladness only to those accompanied in Northamptonshire by minors. Apparently they're selling Doc Martens for 20 quid a pair as well, which admittedly is pretty good, and opening a bar at the ground, probably because the nearest pub is in north London, but the Diary can't help feeling betrayed by all of this, and that life is a little sadder and greyer and less meaningful as a result.

But several of you have emailed the Diary with recollections of matches that provided tremendous entertainment or intrigue despite Town failing to collect three points. "Wembley, twice," writes smart-arse Tim Petty. "Lots of fun, no points whatsoever." Most contributors to this debate, though, have taken the meaning intended, including Mat Winn, who recalls: "Last season vs Ipswich away. Took my flatmate to his first ever Town game and made him sing all the songs all the game! The sight of an Arsenal supporter in a Grimsby shirt chanting 'We piss on your fish' to a load of fat tractor boys in the stand next to us will make me smile every time I think of it... Until some git had to go and ruin it by scoring a last-minute equaliser against us!! Which made it a horrible day out - and made it pointless writing this mail... I'll get my coat!"

"The season before last's visit to Stockport was hilarious," opines Miles Moss, "despite the Mariners leaving with only a point. Stockport badly needed the points, and saw us as easy meat, Town coming fresh from yet another 5-0 drubbing at Selhurst Park. Three times Stockport went ahead, three times Town scored almost immediately, putting the Edgeley Park home support through an emotional combination mill/rollercoaster. Great fun to watch," concludes Miles, clearly a man who never fails to find pleasure in the suffering of others.

Pat Bell, similarly, is tempted to nominate the away draw at Brighton in the 1987-88 relegation campaign, solely on the grounds that it produced a season-ending injury for legendary hate figure Scott McGarvey. "What I really want to recall," he continues, though, "is another last-minute missed penalty. It's off-topic, as we won, but as it involves John Aldridge, I hope you agree it's worth recalling...

"In the early nineties," begins Pat's tale, "we were on the edge of the relegation places when we travelled to Tranmere, who were up in the play-off positions. They had just been beaten by Aston Villa in the League Cup semi-final, on penalties, and played the whole game as though they were owed something. We led two-one, but were taking an awful battering in the second half, and the referee seemed to be playing ten minutes' injury time. Eventually, a loose ball scudded off towards our corner flag, and John Aldridge ran after it, his back to goal. In a position of no danger whatsoever, and with no Town player within a couple of feet, he naturally fell over, and won a penalty. To be fair, we were too far away to see if it was a dive, but it was pretty brain dead defending if it was, and as it was in the right-back position, where presumably John McDermott was, you can be your own judge. Aldridge lined up the penalty towards the bottom left-hand corner of the goal, but some combination of Paul Crichton's hand and the post kept it out and we held on for the win."

"I remember years ago in my MOD days going to a match with my girlfriend," writes the last of today's contributors on this topic, "and when she was cold lent her my parka (US ex-Army original). I stood behind her with my hands in the 'breast' pockets most of the game wondering why she had no bra on!! The pockets even had holes in. Don't remember the score but it mattered bugger all." And if you think that's a case of too much information then at least you benefit from the author's request to remain anonymous. I've got a bloody mental image here...

Monday 27 October
Nick Daws is unlikely to return to the Mariners even for a second month on loan, BBC Humber Sport has concluded from comments made by Paul Groves. The Rotherham midfielder played a major role in Town's return to form during his spell at Blundell Park, which ended last week, but Groves told the Beeb after Saturday's draw at Barnsley: "The club can't keep putting money into it and it's not a bottomless pit." The Town manager is believed to have been referring to his budget for players, rather than Chapman's Pond or Phil Jevons' bank account.

Confusion appears to be rife in the media over events at Oakwell, with the Grimsby Telegraph headlining a story GALLIMORE MISS COSTS MARINERS THE WIN, Barnsley manager Gudjon Thodarson saying on Ceefax over the weekend: "We were unlucky not to concede in the first half", and a site on the Footymad network reporting that Iffy Onuora "managed to 'head' the ball downwards and wide of the goal when it seemed easier to miss." Diary readers can take comfort in the knowledge that no such howlers will be found on this page in the run-up to Town's visit to Kettering in the first round of the FA Cup this Saturday.

"Too much love will kill you," sang moustachioed king of camp Freddie Mercury, but as far as the Diary knows he didn't say anything about schadenfreude; and it is therefore with the lycra-clad sweaty man's approval that we note a red card for John Oster. This column has elected not to follow the exploits of Sunderland's Welch international winger since he reneged on an agreement to sign permanently for Town last season, causing two more loan signings to fall through and arguably dealing the decisive blow to the Mariners' chances of staying in Division One. But that's because he's mostly done quite well since; and so in urging the world to point and laugh at the pint-sized playmaker's dismissal for literally kicking Norwich's Adam Drury when he was down, I feel I am not being entirely inconsistent. Ha ha ha.

So here we are again, and thanks to Miles, Richard and Mark for filling in here last week while I were working 72-hour shifts down t'pit. Precisely none of you have emailed to complain, which speaks volumes for their excellence, my incompetence or your indifference. Now that your regular Diary is back, anyway, I would like to celebrate Mr Gallimore's glorious achievement on Saturday by asking: when did you last have so much fun at a match without actually winning? What engaging sub-plot or amusing distractions have best redeemed a game in which Town failed to take three points? Have a good think, and send your good thoughts to codalmightydiary@yahoo.co.uk.

Saturday 25 October
Hi readers, it's Miles here again to say, "Hi readers, it's Miles here again." Only able to vaguely follow the football results on Sky this afternoon because of a rather chaotic domestic situation, I notice that Town drew 0-0 at Oakwell. Not a bad point, I thought to myself. Just before writing this I decided to check the BBC site's live commentary, and spotted the following: "87:14 Missed penalty. Foul by Darren Barnard (Grimsby) on Isaiah Rankin (Barnsley). Power penalty taken left-footed by Tony Gallimore (Barnsley) (wide right), missed", and I can't stop laughing. Three points would have been nice, but that's one hell of a consolation.

Flicking across to BBC1 from Sky, I was just in time to see the Mariners drawn at home in the FA Cup. Yay! And the visiting team will be... QPR. Booo! I wanted one of those non-league teams, so at least we'd get on telly when they knocked us out.

I won't go on - these Saturday diaries are usually brief, so I'll stick with tradition. Tra!

Friday 24 October
Good afternoon people. Mark Stilton here, bringing you a slice of diary in a Cod Almighty branded wrapper.

There's been goings on today at Parc de Blundell with a signing and a non-signing. "Ooh, who will it be," said the OS, "sign up for our SMS and online dating service to find the latest on Daws and Iffy as soon as it happens." Meanwhile, the Rotherham OS was telling us that Daws had returned because no agreement could be made on wages between the two clubs. Whoops.

So, Iffy has signed for the rest of the season, and if he plays like he did against Notts County then that'll make me happy. And with Daws leaving I think we can assume that Campbell will play in the centre and Cas will return to the right. Which reminds me of a message I saw on a Barnsley messageboard where a Barnsley fan was saying that Gallimore was a good left-back except against players with pace. Mr Gallimore, meet Mr C... oh, you missed him.

There may well be more Town news but it isn't on the OS yet and the GET site still has yesterday's news. I can't wait around for them to get it sorted - it's Friday, I have a pub to go to.

Barnsley have got some players or other who may be fit. Who really cares? I think Galli will probably be playing, that'll be a laugh, eh? Handyside may well be injured. Have you seen that laughable report on the Barnsley OS about how they were apparently all over us at Oakwell last time we played there? Excuse me, but I seem to remember a certain Mr Donovan getting ripped apart by Ben Chapman that day. Er, sorry about that...

Peter Risdale is set to take control of the world, er Barnsley FC, today. This means, or so I was told on Tuesday at Donny station by a drunken 16-year-old Barnsley fan, that all their players will be playing for contracts, right. And coz they're, right, playing for contracts, they're gonna stuff us four or five nil, right, because they're all playing for contracts, right, because Risdale is taking control, and they're all playing for contracts, four or five, maybe six nil, easily, and they'll be all like "yeeeaaahhh" coz like they'll be out of administration and they'll stick five past us and we'll be like "uuuuuhh" coz they'll be playing for contracts and we've picked a bad time, it's unlucky for us coz we'll, right, probably lose about 12-0 because, right, they're all playing for contracts. My arguments of 'Tony Gallimore' and 'Peter Risdale' were lost on him.

I think the Refwatch comes about now. I'll not pretend to talk to myself again. So, our referee for the match at Oakwell is 'smiley' Alan Wiley of Burntwood, Staffordshire. Smiley Al has mostly been refereeing in the Premier League for the last four or five seasons, but he occasionally officiates in a lower league game to 'keep it real'. He has issued 33 yellow and no red cards in eight games this season and gave out 99 yellow and five reds in 35 games last season. The last time he took charge of a Town match was way back in November 1998 when he booked Handyside and Widdrington (shudder) in a 1-0 defeat at Bury. Fact fans may remember that he was also the man in the middle for the LDV Northern Section Final Second Leg match against Burnley. Thanks for that Mark... oh, I said I wouldn't do that, didn't I?

Anyway, the other thing happening on Saturday, of course, is the draw for the FA Cup First Round. This will take place not long after the final whistle and I'm told that Town are ball number 17. Personally, I hope we get knocked out of this mickey mouse competition early so we don't have to play the likes of Man Utd and Arsenal in the third round. It's embarrassing having to go to their two-bit plastic arenas to watch a bunch of jumped-up tarts fall all over the place. "Oops, sorry Ruud, I accidently bumped in to you." Christ, if you do that at primary school, you get called 'immo'.

A quick scan of the Diary's postbag finds an email from John Arrand. John says: "If Cas is our Gronkjaer then I would suggest Daws is our Makelele. However, I didn't watch the game, so if Makelele did lots of feints and stepovers and looked really unfit then Hamilton would be our Makelele." Fair point John. I didn't see the game either, so I can't help you there.

So to Oakwell we go. Well, you go. I'm off to Rome to look at very, very old buildings. But having been to Barnsley a few times I'm sure you'll enjoy your day out. However (are you watching Di-ary), if you see a young Barnsley fan with bad facial hair who stinks of booze, run for your life. Really, you don't need it on a cold Tuesday night in Doncaster do you?

Ta-ta then. I haven't a clue in the slightest who, if anyone, will do the diary tomorrow. If there isn't one, you know why. The normal Diary will resume his iconoclastic scribblings on Monday.

Thursday 23 October
Hello, I’m the stand-in for the stand-in as it were. I’ve never actually kept a diary, but tried it out yesterday as an experiment. It went something like - got up, walked dog, played Revolution Blues very loudly twice, surfed the net, chopped logs, counted sheep in a field, watched The Sweeney, lit fire, had tea, put the big light on (aren’t the nights drawing in fast?), watched Look North then Chelsea (if Cas is our Gronkjaer, then who is our Makelele?), walked dog again, went to bed. Oh and there was a couple of sherries in there somewhere. So now you know who you’re dealing with.

I am not bringing to you breaking news about the futures of Iffy and Daws, because it hasn’t broken yet. Groves told the Telegraph that he wants to keep them both, but if you read between the lines I reckon he will have problems persuading the board to stump up for another midfielder to add to our quite large collection. Iffy, on the other hand, may have done enough on Tuesday night to get the nod on another loan deal, or a short term contract to the end of the season. We’ll have to wait and see won’t we?

Our glorious team sponsors have hit the headlines again this morning. Following their decision to pull out of the railway track mending business, they said “Track renewal does not attract the same reputational problems as maintenance." However it emerged today that Jarvis has been accused of falsifying documents and using ‘incorrect stressing methods’. So if it is all true, this makes Jarvis a weird amalgam of the CIA and the Spanish Inquisition, with a reputation to match. One thing is for sure, I won’t be taking the train from Macclesfield to Stoke in the near future. Not that I would have been anyway, thinking about it.

Meanwhile Town's reserves slogged their way north to Hartlepool yesterday only to come home again with a 2-1 defeat. 2-0 down at half time, Town pulled one back through Jevons who hit a 30 yard free kick in by the unguarded near post. He was supposed to cross it, apparently. The mighty Paul Groves took his boots to the game, but I have no word on how, or whether, he actually played. The youth team didn’t give up without a fight in their quest for cup glory at Huddersfield, it being 0-0 after extra time had been played. Sadly the Huddersfield keeper brought off enough saves in the subsequent penalty shoot out to earn himself a post match wagon wheel from his manager, leaving the Town string squabbling over some flat Conways pop to drink on the bus home. The final score being 4-2. By the way, wagon wheels aren’t smaller than they used to be (urban myth number 97). I saw an interesting programme about it on the telly a while back, which also explained that mars bars are actually bigger these days than when I was a lad.

Those of you who haven’t managed to make the last couple of home games may be intrigued by all this talk of the return of match atmosphere to Blundell Park. In the last few seasons it’s generally taken the referee to waken the slumbering masses within the Pontoon. Indeed, I have sometimes hoped for a bad decision against Town early on just to get the crowd going a bit. However, Paul Groves’ latest master stroke is to whip up support by publicly exhorting the faithful to sing during the game. Rodger(s) pushes him out of the dugout, and Paul starts waving, clapping (and possibly singing), in our direction. It works a treat every time so far, the crowd make loads of noise and we’ve started winning home games again. I have a sneaky feeling that Graham suggested this idea to his boss, as the dugout has become somewhat crowded since Paul stopped picking himself. Plus he gets to be on the radio more, as Groves has sung his heart out for the lads to the point where he is unable to address the mike after the game. But joking apart, it’s much better listening to endless reps of paulgroves’blackandwhitearmy than sacktheboardsacktheboardsacktheboard. What will be embarrassing, however, is the day when Paul asks us for a song, and either doesn’t get one, or gets the wrong one, if you know what I mean. But let’s hope that’s a long way away. I, for one, feel optimistic at the moment. There is an awful lot of dross in Division 2 this year, and the table is starting to shake out quite nicely to support this assertion. That away point at Plymouth we earned is starting to look pretty good, don’t you think? See yer.

Wednesday 22 October
Afternoon, it's Miles again. Welcome to what is essentially my diary hat trick. I guess that means I get to take the keyboard home with me or something. Anyway...

Seven points are all that separate the top seventeen teams in the second division league table after a night of results which saw Brighton and QPR lose, a stonking 6-3 victory for Bournemouth and most importantly another 2-0 win for the Mariners. Reports of the death of Michael Boulding's mojo seem to have been greatly exaggerated, the former Manchester Grammar School U-12s winger scoring both Town's goals last night. That's nine for the season so far - not bad for a Grimsby striker, eh. By the looks of the BBC site's live commentary, it seems the former Chorlton-cum-Hardy Primary School utility player was unlucky not to get a hat trick. The commentary also suggests a useful contribution by Onuora and Daws, who will today be scrutinising Paul Groves' chimney to see what colour smoke comes out of it.

Further contract talks may already have started,it seems, since according to the local rag, neither of the Mariners management team were available for comment. Instead, someone called "Graham Rodgers" took the interview. We're not sure who he is, but he's probably related to Peter Handysides. Or perhaps there are two Graham Rodgers now. Yeah, that'll be it. Anyway, these two blokes called Graham Rodger were both understandably dead pleased with the result, and the goals, one each for the Boulding twins. Oh, here we go - a quick search on google reveals that he's a hairdressing boss from Huddersfield.

If the recent six points have got you all fired up about Grimsby again, you don't have to wait until Saturday's trip to Barnsley to shout 'Come on Town!' in a Tourette's stylee, because the Mariners are playing again today. Well, the youth team and the reserves, anyway. Town's yoof are taking on Huddersfield's tots in the FA Youth Cup over there at the big, shiny, wonderful third division McAlpine stadium. Keeper Paul Fraser is unavailable with that nasty broken arm, and Liam Nimmo can't play because - would you believe it - he's too old. My god. The good news is that this gives the opportunity for wonderfully-named Under-16s Danny North and Danny Rock to join the squad. Kick off is at 7pm - and on a school night too. Mr L. 'not Nimoy, Nimmo' Nimmo won't be sat at home twiddling his playstation digits though, as he features in the reserve squad who travel up to Hartlepool today, along with young Pettinger, Ward, Soames, and not-quite-so-young Paul Groves.

I'll bring you the results of both matches tomorrow… or rather I won't, as tomorrow you will be reading the words of Richard Dawson - or 'Richard Dawsons' as he might be known in the Telegraph. That's it from me then - until next time, boomshanka.

Tuesday 21 October
Afternoon readers, Miles here again, dutifully doing da daily diary. Sorry about the use of the 'da' there, I got carried away with the alliteration thing. But since I've mentioned that particular 'word', has anyone had enough misfortune recently to see the BBC's latest shambles of a Saturday morning children's TV show, namely Dick and Dom in da Bungalow. Oh my god, what a horrid piece of broadcasting. I tell you, in that timeslot, ever since Swap Shop, ITV has been doing over the BBC what Grimsby fans purport to do over the opposition fans' fish.

On to matters a little more relevant to this here column, though. As you're probably aware, fellow black-and-white stripey chaps Notts County are the visitors to Blundell Park tonight. Me, you, and Groves alike will be hoping that the Mariners can repeat Saturday's result and pick up another three points, although it would be nice to go up the league table this time. Team news on the main BBC site reckons we'll be without Simon Ford and Mike Edwards, with hamstring and nose respectively, although the BBC Humber site has news from the latter to the contrary. "Id's stid a liddle bid swolldend, bud id's nod as bad dow, id's carbed dowd and stobbed bleedid", the brave little soldier says of his hooter. If only this evening's match was an away fixture, I could shoehorn an excellent 'second class return to Nottingham' gag in here. Ah well. Edwards has declared himself fit for tonight, but adds: "I might start wearing a crash helmet so I don't break it again." News is that he might have to have the old schnoz reset at some point, though this would keep him out for two or three weeks. With Simon Ford's string of ham likely to keep him out for up to four week, and Tony Crane missing the 1 November Rushden 'n' Diamonds match after picking up five yellows, Mike's nose job may have to wait. Barras, Stallard and Richardson are unavailable for County, but I don't really care about them, so that's as much as I'm saying.

Tonight's match may - or may not - see the last appearance in Town stripes of Messrs Onuora and Daws, whose current loan spells finish at around 9:35pm. Or perhaps 9:42pm if the match kicks off a bit late or something. Find out whether they're staying or not by signing up for the Cod Almighty SMS service. Or, like, keep reading the Diary and that.

"Here's the refwatch" begins a mail from Mark Stilton. Whatever can he mean...? Oh right, yes. It's probably Markie's Refwatch. Ah yes. Here we go then: "Tonight's part-time head master and purveyor of cardage is Mr Lee Mason of Lancashire. Mr Mason is a newcomer to the heady world of Football League refereeing, having joined the ranks last season, and as such it means he has no 'previous' as far as Town are concerned. So, I shall end by saying that he has issued four red and 36 yellow cards in eight games this season and flashed three red and 94 yellow cards in 23 games last season. My prediction, then, will be a nonchalant shrug in a Santos stylee." On which Gallic note, I'll say au revoir and um... en haut les hommes de poissons!

Monday 20 October
Hello readers. Miles here. It's very quiet in CA Towers today. Mr Diary is away for the week, working on an oil rig; and Mat is taking his second holiday of the year, the stuffy get. This means that not only am I guesting on this here diary page for today - and, if you're unlucky, the rest of the week - but I'll also be filling in for Mr Hare in his bet-based battle against Coco. Ah, hello, Andy's just come into the office now, back from taking Coco for his morning swing in the park. Hello Andy... I what? This weekend just gone? Oh bugger. Ah yes, Mat fans may have noticed that due to a technical error, there were no tips this weekend. Or rather there were tips, it's just that someone forgot to put them up. Coco. It was Coco. He forgot. Ahem. Apologies to any of you who rely on Mat's tips to make your fortunes every weekend, but just for the sake of completeness, we'll post them up later today, so we can see how the human vs chimp competition is progressing.

Mat's system, incidentally, predicted a draw for the Colchester game, as did Coco and Mystic Mick, but I'm sure they'll all be happy enough to be wrong. Well, except Coco - all he cares about is bananas. Paul Groves was certainly happy enough with the CA triumvirate's inaccuracy, telling the Grimsby Telegraph that the win was a deserved one. I have to agree. I wasn't at the match or anything, I'm just incredibly biased. Both of the GT's Saturday articles concerning the 2-0 win, by the way, insist on calling Mick Boulding "former Aston Villa winger", which I found a trifle bizarre. Are they trying to bring him down by reminding him of this career blip or is their random adjective generator on the blink?

The question of match fixing rears its ugly head thanks to Colchester's official site, which has front page news regarding the 18 October Blundell Park defeat dated Friday 17 October. Hmmm. Amusingly, the article itself is accompanied by a picture of the Us taking on QPR rather than the Mariners and mentions that Simon Ford was replaced by Dean Crowe, who I'm sure you'll agree looks a fascinating gentleman. The match report also notes that "Mike Edwards went up for a header with McGleish and fell to the floor having connected with the U's player's arm" - this presumably in a similar way to the way that David Beckham ran into Alpay's finger.

Saturday also saw Town's youth team taking on Hartlepool, but the news from that fixture isn't as good, I'm afraid: the Mariners were trailing 2-0 when keeper Paul Fraser broke his arm, and, like, wasn't able to continue. Although the closing paragraph on the official site makes it sound like an obituary, Paul will be out of hozzy today, so if you're thinking of taking him grapes, pop round his house with them, eh.

Away from football for a moment, and BBC News notes that the EU have recommended a ban on the fishing of cod. A decade or two back, this might have spelt employment disaster in and around Grimsby, but as it is, until the EU impose a ban on fishing frozen pizza, we're probably safe.

Well, that's Monday. Probably see you tomorrow unless anyone else volunteers. Ta-ra!

Saturday 18 October
Town prove that it's not the winning that counts after dropping from 16th to 17th place in Division Two despite a reasonably comfortable 2-0 victory over Colchester at Blundell Park. An Iffy Onuora header on 41 minutes from a cross by Darren Barnard puts the Mariners ahead before Michael Boulding asserts his unquestionable and eternal superiority over Phil Jevons by making the game safe seven minutes from time, drilling home right-footed from 20 yards. But draws for the two sides immediately above Town - Rushden and Wrexham - keep them ahead on goal difference; while Blackpool, who started the day level on points with GTFC but with a marginally worse goal difference, leapfrog the black and whites with a tremendous 4-0 win over Hartlepool. And at 5:20pm the Diary is surely the first news source anywhere in the universe to have pointed this out.

On which note of smug self-congratulation - hey, it's not often I get the chance - the Diary bids you farewell for a week while I go and earn some quiddies to get me into Oakwell next Saturday. In my absence, as alluded to yesterday, this class will be taken by a procession of supply diarists. Please be gentle with them. Look after yourselves, and each other.

Friday 17 October
What's that old expression... the left hand doesn't know what the right winger's doing? Town's official site lets slip that Marcel Cas could have returned from injury too soon in midweek by deeming him doubtful for tomorrow's visit of Colchester - "It's in and around his wound that he got from the other Sheffield Wednesday game," says PG - but the player himself insists in his Grimsby Telegraph column: "I will be fit for tomorrow." I tell ya honey - what's a guy supposed to think? Simon Ford and Darren Mansaram might be in some kind of contention on Saturday after both began the LDV Vans tie on Wednesday, though no mention is made of tenuous groin victim Tony Crane, who didn't.

Former Arsenal youngster Jermaine Brown joins the Us squad tomorrow, having signed a one-month deal at Layer Road this week. He's still a youngster but he's not Arsenal any more. He plays up front. Hoping for a first appearance since breaking his leg a year ago, versatile defender Gavin Johnson also travels to Cleethorpes. He can construct bath panels from MDF, makes excellent choux pastry and knows a lot about tropical fish. Other injury victims Bobby Bowry and Kem Izzet are in line for comebacks, but another defender, Alan White, misses out with ankle issues and on-loan Birmingham frontman Craig Fagan is suspended.

"Tomorrow's bearer of colourful cards is Mr Phil Joslin of Newark." That's right, children - it's time for Markie's Refwatch. "A veteran of the lower league refereeing scene, Mr Joslin has shown three red and 33 yellow cards in 11 matches this season," writes Mr Stilton. "A modest total and less lenient than last season, when he waved three red cards and 80 yellow cards in 39 games. He prefers yellow to red, then. His last Town match was back in the 'glory' days of 2001-02 when Lennie Lawrence was still fashionable as a manager. He took charge of the 4-0 embarrassment away at Walsall, dishing out yellow cards to four Town players. Presumably for not trying. He was also in charge of the 3-3 away draw away at Stockport earlier in the same season, where no Town players were booked. I think this backs up my 'not trying' theory...". Not so sure, Mark - the Diary was at Walsall, and I'd have given them reds.

But there's more! "Tony 'The Butcher' Butcher said of his Walsall performance: 'A very odd referee. He seemed to give Town every little thing, but ended up booking three or so Town players for types of fouls that Walsall committed too,' which backs up his report for the Stockport match where he calls 'nice' Phil 'inconsistently inconsistent. Dreadful, in that nearly all his decision were, at best, debatable.' So, my assessment: a few daft yellows but we shouldn't see anyone sent off." Thanks for that, Stilts, and I'll see you at Barnsley.

After the weekend I, Mojo Jojo, that is to say, me, Mojo Jojo, your regular Diary writer - if you were to address me by the name Mojo Jojo, that would be correct, for my name is Mooooojo Jojo - will be taking time off to do some actual, real, paid work, so as to avoid being sent to live in Rochdale; and so this column will be prepared next week by a series of highly motivated and well-informed replacement diarists with superb writing skills, or, failing that, the rest of the Cod Almighty team. As ever, though, if any of you fancy taking a turn as guest diarist, then drop an email to codalmightydiary@yahoo.co.uk. I always say that when I'm gonna be away and no bugger ever wants to do it, but it's easy and fun and did I mention the groupies?

Thursday 16 October
Paul Groves pulled off a tactical masterstroke in the second division promotion race at Hillsborough last night by forcing Sheffield Wednesday to remain in the LDV Vans Trophy. Owls boss Chris Turner had made clear his resentment at having to enter the competition for small clubs, calling it a distraction from the real business of taking his club back to its rightful place in the higher echelons of the league; and the Town manager shrewdly realised that losing to Wednesday in the Trophy would help his side steal a march on them in the chase for the Division Two top spots. Hence the Mariners allowing their sloppy seconds, also known as Adam Proudlock, a 72nd-minute goal to cancel out an early blunder by Darren Mansaram in which the lively but naive young striker carelessly fired home left-footed from the edge of the Wednesday area. After half an hour of goalless extra time sapped the home side's league energy still further, a missed penalty by Stuart Campbell brilliantly condemned the Owls to at least another season of second division football.

Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the Rutland, Town's ill-starred attempts to abandon Blundell Park for a soulless, inaccessible margarine tub outside Great Coates have been resurrected. The club has issued a statement (but apparently only to the Grimsby Telegraph so far) to the effect that it will revive its efforts to get the new ground built by trying to buy the land on which they want to build it. Which makes so much sense that you wonder why they didn't think of it when the Taylor report was published; and I dare say it'd have cost a few quid less back then. Hey, somebody gimme a job.

In the run-up to football's Kick It Out week - or fortnight; whatever's your poison! - Al Wilkinson applauds Town for an imaginative anti-racism project. "Now I know why Livvo has gone," he writes. "Groves got rid of the big slow white target man in an attempt to move Town into the positive discrimination mainstream by then bringing in a big slow black target man. Many praises to the liberal thinking, but... Iffy Onuora?"

Wednesday 15 October
Paul Groves, who has possibly brought more black players into the Grimsby team than any other manager of the club, has issued a statement condemning racism in football as part of the game's Kick It Out week, which even York City are joining in with now. "There is no place for racism in football or in any walk of life," says yer man. "Great strides have been made in the past to get across the anti-racism message but there is still work to be done. I am pleased that the players and officials at Grimsby Town are able to join in the campaign and give our support." The week of anti-racist campaigning runs from 16 to 28 October, says Town's official website, which makes it sound more like a fortnight to me, but so much the better! "Activities at the anti-racism day will clearly spell out the club's position," adds the site - which the Diary applauds wholeheartedly, at the same time hoping GTFC stewards have finally received training on how to deal with racist chanting by spectators.

On the front of Town's official site, meanwhile, there's a picture of Graham Rodger with the words TOWN V COLCHESTER 2 KIDS FREE stamped across his face in 16-point bold, and if you click on it you can find out some team news for tonight's visit to Sheffield Wednesday. It's Graham Hockless's turn to be poorly this time, and Wes Parker's go at having one of those trendy knee injuries; while big Tony Crane could miss the visit to his alma mater with the adjacent groin osprey he picked up in last Saturday's defeat at Brighton. Up-and-coming young Welsh international Darren Barnard will replace Jason Crowe at left-back.

As one might reasonably expect from a club of their stature, Wednesday will be treating the LDV Vans Trophy with the contempt that, as the sole concern of small clubs, it so richly merits. Owls boss Chris Turner is set to field a weakened side - tempting the Diary to question whether this is even possible, having seen the XI he sent out against Town the other week. "This is just an additional fixture in an already congested fixture list," bleats Turner in the Yorkshire Post. "If Arsenal or Manchester United were in this position I am sure they would be complaining, too," he adds, and the Diary is sure he is quite right to bracket his absolutely gigantic club with such names. The Post's reporter joins in this festival of complacency and arrogance, speculating that this "snub" to the competition by such an enormous club will prompt league officials to consider scrapping the Trophy - "which has been in existence for 19 years without capturing the imagination of the public," writes the anonymous hack, who clearly needs to get out more.

Staying with tonight's match - which costs only ten of your English pounds to attend - it will be decided by 'silver goal' extra time if necessary, which every TV and radio commentator in this sector of the galaxy has decided is an obscenely complex stratagem probably devised by those shifty Brussels eurocrats to undermine our happy British way of life by baffling us all into accepting the single currency and legalised heroin. As far as the Diary understands it, however, silver goal extra time is just like normal extra time except that if one team is leading halfway though it then they win the match. Or have I missed something deeply challenging and dramatic?

Cast your mind back, reader, down the long list of tossers who have rejected loan transfers to Blundell Park, believing themselves to be just too damn special to have to lower themselves to our level. Adam Proudlock... Michael Stewart... Junior Lewis (ha ha ha)... and of course Curtis Woodhouse. The former England u21 midfielder turned down a switch to Town from Birmingham last season in favour of the bright lights of, er, Rotherham - although to be fair to the lad, he stated a wish to be nearer his hometown of Driffield. Which is 10 miles closer to Cleethorpes than to Rotherham, but hey. Any old how, you may be interested to learn that the latest chapter of Curt's quest to rediscover his roots finds our hero signing a three-year permanent contract this week with East Yorkshire's big-club-in-waiting... that's right - Peterborough.

Tuesday 14 October
Nick Daws and Iffy Onuora will have to wait and see whether they can stay at Blundell Park beyond the term of their month-long loans, assuming, that is, that they want to. Daws has impressed but his central midfield position will be contested by Alan Pouton and Stacy Coldicott on their eventual return from injury, and by reluctant wideman Stuart Campbell, now that Iain Anderson is back; while opinions are divided on the merits of Onuora - between Paul Groves, who seems to think he's OK, and most fans, who don't. That said, the Diary notes with dismay that there are actually supporters advocating that Michael Boulding be dropped in favour of Phil Jevons. Anyway... it says in the paper that a board meeting yesterday discussed whether the duo could be kept on, but a decision won't be made until after their temporary moves end after Town play Notts County next Tuesday.

The scourge of Serbia, Mr Darren Barnard, will be strutting off onto the international stage again next month after impressing in his country's latest Euro 2004 defeat at the weekend. Town's reborn left-back will miss out on the visit of struggling Stockport on 15 November as Wales take on Russia to play off for a place in Portugal next summer. This is the down side of a charming interview in today's Grimsby Telegraph in which the starstruck defender observes: "It's great to play with people like [Craig Bellamy and Ryan Giggs]. They're the big boys of the Premiership and I'm little old Darren Barnard from Grimsby Town." Awww!

Having returned to training after the stitches in his knee were removed, Marcel Cas will be relishing the prospect of depriving another Sheffield Wednesday left-back of his livelihood. So effective was the lively Dutch right-winger in Town's visit to Hillsborough last month, until he was carried off injured, that the Owls' Jon Beswetherick was not only subbed off after 15 minutes but actually released on a free shortly afterwards; and Cas is now in contention for a return to the scene of his crimes in tomorrow night's LDV Vans Trophy tie, according to our lexically challenged chums at BBC Humber. "The stitches have now been removed and he available for selection," reports the site. Me Diary. Me take piss.

Reproduction is Pollution was the title of a 1995 single by short-lived Bristol indie pop combo Shelley, but there are plenty - not least among the Cod Almighty team - who would beg to differ. If you are of their number and have spawned a sprog or two, then a new offer from GTFC may cause you some excitement. At the Colchester game this Saturday you can be accompanied by two juveniles at no extra cost. "For every adult, TWO children will be admitted for nothing," confirms Town's official website. "Absolute zero. Zilch. That’s got to be the best bargain in football this season!" And if you don't count Sky getting the Nationwide rights back for ten bob and a bag of spanners, they could be right.

"Eh up," writes Stu Morton, who clearly hasn't been in France long enough to forget his native dialect. "Talking of quizzes (Diary, Monday Oct 13th), who won the last one? You know, the one with the impossible questions abut Disco Des? The one I spent half the night trying to find out who he scored his first goal against. Eh? Eh?" The answer, which the Diary spent 12 seconds trying to find out, is Mr Ian Fitzgerald, as this page makes clear. While you're here, Stu, please accept the Diary's compliments on your first piece of writing for Cod Almighty. Super.

Monday 13 October
Aidan Davison, John McDermott, Tony Crane, Mike Edwards, Jason Crowe, Stuart Campbell, Nick Daws, Des Hamilton, Iain Anderson, Iffy Onuora, Michael Boulding, Greg Young, Graham Hockless and David Soames weren't the only Grimsby players who lost on Saturday, of course, as Darren Barnard played the full 90 for Wales in a 3-2 home defeat against Serbia & Montenegro. In the run-up to the game the whole world and his dog had boldly printed the name of Crewe's David Vaughan at the left-back position in their starting line-ups, and despite having since been shown up for the fools they are, the press are still at it. A conspicuous all-round performance from the Town defender, who drew an excellent save from visiting keeper Dragoslav Jevric, sees him named man of the match by the Guardian's Matt Scott - who plumbs the depths of absurdity by also citing the player's presence in the Wales team as proof of Craig Bellamy's claim that "we haven't got the resources that other nations have". So the Diary is burning candles to keep warm and Matt Scott is earning God knows what to write that Barnard had a great game but plays for Grimsby and must therefore be shit.

Maybe it's a sign of those declining educational standards we're supposed to have, or maybe it's just because they put it on the wrong side of the front page, but the entries haven't exactly been pouring in for Cod Almighty's latest competition - so I thought I'd give it a plug here. Two clean and crisp match tickets are available for the home game of choice of one lucky reader who can answer three simple questions - well, one is simple to research; another you really ought to know already; and the third isn't that hard to work out - you can even use a calculator if you like. So give it a go, why don't you?

Saturday 11 October
"Two slack moments of defending cost Grimsby after being the better side in the first half" is the verdict of Radio Five Live on Town's visit to Brighton this afternoon. As expected, Iain Anderson returns to the starting line-up after his medium-term absence through injury while Jason Crowe switches to left-back to replace Wales victim Darren Barnard. But after a Zesh Rehman strike on 53 minutes, followed almost immediately by a short-range volley by the prolific Leon Knight, the Mariners were never in it; and Knight completes a 3-0 rout with a last-minute penalty conceded by substitute Greg Young. Yawnorama city. Town have now conceded 22 league goals in their 13 games and have scored only once in their last four.

Down in the third, 10-man Lincoln win away at Scunthorpe by three goals to one; while ambitious pacesetters Hull City have no game, trying to make people think they're really cool because they must have international call-ups, when in actual fact they've just switched their match to tomorrow afternoon.

Speaking of which, the Diary has an international call-up to the pub. Enjoy the rest of your weekend.

Friday 10 October
Nick Daws and Iffy Onuora could be invited to make their moves to Blundell Park permanent, reports today's Grimsby Telegraph. Despite having more midfielders in his squad than Grimsby has miserable sods who don't know what division Town are in, Paul Groves, like the BP faithful, seems to have been mightily impressed with Daws' performances during his loan from Rotherham and is eager to talk terms. Onuora, meanwhile, was brought in from Sheffield United last month to add strength and height to the forward line but despite holding up the ball quite usefully has so far failed to set North East Lincs alight - though there are those who would argue that the player still lacks adequate match fitness. "Hopefully in the next few days or after the weekend we will know for sure," says Onuora to BBC Humber, presumably of his possible transfer to GTFC, rather than the existence of an all-seeing, all-knowing, beneficent creator of life and the cosmos.

Town's reluctant sponsor Jarvis is back in the headlines, having decided to pull out of all its existing contracts for repairs to Britain's rail network. Since last year's Potters Bar rail crash the controversial engineering firm has also appeared in court following a coal train derailment near Rotherham, admitted responsibility for a further derailment outside Kings Cross station last month and been slammed by teachers' leaders after being handed a consultancy deal for secondary schools that some suspect had more to do with a donation to the Labour Party by the Jarvis chairman than with the company's experience of education (of which it has none). Many observers, both old and young, could be wondering what the firm is looking to pull out of next.

Bad news for the stripeys ahead of tomorrow's trip to Brighton is that Darren Barnard won't be released from international duty. Town's left-back is in Cardiff with the Wales squad as they prepare to take on Serbia & Montenegro in a Euro 2004 qualifier but has not been used in his last few call-ups, and Town's official site had speculated that Welsh manager Mark Hughes could have let the player join up with the Mariners down in Sussex. No go, though, says the Grim Tel. Injuries in midfield mean a forward and central movement for Gary Speed, who has recently represented the principality at left-back; and though the BBC is tipping Crewe's David Vaughan to step in, Mr Groves has it straight from Hughes's mouth that Barnard will play. "He's going to play for them, going to start, and that's great news for Barney," insists the Town boss through gritted teeth.

Jason Crowe should replace Barnard in the Mariners' line-up, having resumed training after missing the week's early sessions with a poorly tummy or something, and returner from injury Iain Anderson will contend for a first start since August; but tomorrow will be too early for Marcel Cas, who suffered a horrible gashed knee in Town's visit to Sheffield Wednesday last month.

The managerless Seagulls - which will make a great name for a band one day - strengthen their defence with the return of Paul Watson and 'the influential' Danny Cullip, while Gary Hart is fit to resume striking duties, making it a hat-trick of returns from injury. Midfielder Charlie Oatway won't be getting any Town goals disallowed by encroaching at free kicks, as he is laid up in hospital with a bad back. If one can empathise without sympathy then that is what the Diary will do.

"Our man in the middle tomorrow is Keith Hill of Hertfordshire" are the first words of Markie's Refwatch. "Nothing much to report here" are the next ones, followed by: "- 18 yellow and no red cards in eight matches this season makes him Mr Average, really. He dished out seven reds and 136 yellow cards in 37 matches last season. His last Town game was the 2-0 home defeat to Coventry in March last season. Tony B thought he could 'find nothing to complain about'. However, for the Wolves match the season before, Tony claimed Mr Hill was a 'big team referee' and hoped we didn't get him at an away ground. Are Brighton a big team by Division Two standards?" Not sure, Mark, but they have filled 92 per cent of their capacity at home games so far this season, apparently.

Thursday 9 October
Today's Diary is 100 per cent behind the England players' protest against the withdrawal of Rio Ferdinand from the squad to face Turkey this Saturday, because they have just been condemned for it by Sepp Blatter.

The Mariners will be facing a side without a manager this weekend, as Brighton's Steve Coppell has just walked out on the club that resurrected his career, probably out of justified fear that a defeat by Grimsby - the third worst supported side in Division Two, remember! - would have earned him the sack anyway. Coppell - who has also enjoyed 32 separate spells in charge of Crystal Palace - has been lured away from the south coast by the bright lights of first division Reading, to replace Alan Pardew, who in turn was wooed away from the Berkshire football hotbed by the even brighter lights of, er, first division West Ham. If I were being paid to write this then I would probably have to use the word 'merry-go-round', but I'm not so I won't.

Staying for the moment on the subject of me, the Diary spent all afternoon yesterday working, and is knackered today. So let's hope such higher forms of life as Iain Anderson aren't bound by the same laws of nature, as Town's ace scorey wingy bloke came through 75 minutes for the reserves against Scunthorpe yesterday. The second string continued their unbeaten start to the season thanks to David Soames, who equalised Paul Hayes' early strike for the Iron - the front page of whose official site, interestingly, carries no fewer than four stories about the match. Do you think it means a lot to them to play Grimsby, or have they just got nothing better to do?

"In Wednesday 8th October diary," writes Mat Winn in an email, "you say 'despite Boulding himself having publicly attributed his development to the management of Paul Groves' yet I've read on numerous occasions that quick Mick does in fact say that the greatest influence on his goal scoring career was indeed Paul Wilkinson! Who's wrong? Me or you? Wanna bet on it?" Dunno, Mat, but I expect you can get odds on it from Mariners Bet, which incidentally also offers a free bet in running on all televised matches this weekend from kick-off until the 80th minute to the same value as a bet placed on the England-Turkey game up to a maximum of £25 (or $40) and subject to terms and conditions!

Wednesday 8 October
Town prove again that they are not a club bound by convention after Iain Anderson's inclusion in the reserve side to play Scunthorpe today reverses the traditional wisdom of rehabilitating injured players in the second string and then naming them on the bench for the first team. Is it just me, or does the enormous photo of the Handyman on the front of Town's official site bear a slight resemblance to Michael Owen? The stiffs kick off at 2 o'clock this afternoon, and the club's official site also mentions that Kirk Wheeler will play after returning from a trial at Scarborough. News to me. Which is why it's on their news pages, I suppose.

Grimsby Town Supporters Trust - the organisation set up last year to promote and raise funds for the club and represent the interests of fans - is to hold an annual general meeting later this month. The AGM is scheduled for 5:15pm on Saturday 18 October, immediately after Town's home game with Colchester and, besides all the usual stuff about the accounts and that, will consider the aims and objectives of GTST for the forthcoming year. Attendance is obviously restricted to members only but supporters wishing to join the trust can turn up and pay on the gate, as it were.

Which is more than they will be able to do this Saturday for Town's visit to Brighton, supposedly. The Mariners' official site alleges that the game will be "strictly ALL TICKET - no tickets can be purchased on the day", adding that only 344 Withdean seats have been allocated to Grimbarians. At 21 quid each, the Seagulls are clearly not expecting many takers. But you know how you can remember when you were a kid and you met George Kerr at a service station on the way to Oakwell, but you can't remember what you did last night between getting home from the pub and going to bed? Just me then, obviously. Anyway, the Diary clearly recalls the issue of several similarly dire admonitions in the run-up to the Mariners' trip to Brighton last season, and 'ticketless' Town fans were still able to pay on the day - suggesting some scam allowing BHAFC to reallocate space to their own fans if possible once they get a rough idea of how many we're bringing. But if you go without a ticket and don't get in, then you didn't read any of this, all right?

Paul Wilkinson is returning to football alongside that bungling charlatan Lennie Lawrence, reports today's Grimsby Telegraph, as reserve team coach at Lawrence's current club Cardiff. The Mariners' former assistant manager - elevated by the Telegraph to "Grimsby Town folk hero" - joins up with Lawrence five months after he was released from his role in a top-heavy three-man management structure at Blundell Park. The report credits Wilkinson as the coaching genius behind several of Town's current bright young stars and the inspiration behind Michael Boulding's blossoming into the lethal finisher he is (despite Boulding himself having publicly attributed his development to the management of Paul Groves), but curiously overlooks his key contributions to building democracy in South Africa, the search for an AIDS vaccine and the fight against global child poverty.

Always 12th or 13th with the news, Teamtalk runs a non-exclusive on the Stacy Coldicott injury sitch after it emerged yesterday that the knackered Town midfielder will remain on the sidelines for some time to come. "Coldicott Eyeing Christmas Comeback" is the headline; "Grimsby midfielder Stacy Coldicott is not expected to be back in action before Christmas" is the first sentence. Keep 'em coming, won't you?

Tuesday 7 October
Mike Edwards' expenditure on petrol looks set to be temporarily halved after Town captain John McDermott was yesterday banned from driving for 42 days. Macca clocked up a speed to rival his appearance record for the Mariners in July as he zoomed up on the A1(M) to Middlesbrough after a relative in the town was injured in an accident, reports today's Grimsby Telegraph, and was also fined £300 with £65 costs by Harrogate magistrates' court yesterday. "I have got lifts in," explains the player. "It won't affect my training." The speedophile right-back was also penalised in March for excessive automobile swiftness but now admits: "It was wrong - I have been punished for it and fair enough... I don't speed any more - it has opened my eyes." The conviction should also spell an end to terrace mutterings about McDermott having lost a yard of pace recently.

As Town fans lament another injured player being brought back into first-team action before recovering match fitness, Iain Anderson's cameo in last weekend's QPR match may soon be followed by premature returns for messrs Cas, Coldicott and Pouton. The club's official site today reveals the latest on the wounded trio, to wit: Cas is having the stitches in his knee removed this Friday, but not by Jon Beswetherick; Pacy Stacy is still in bits and won't be back before Santa's sleigh bells have been ring-jing-jingling; and the bad news for the Mariners' new scoreboard is that Alan P, far from looking at a big retirement pay-off from the PFA, has been "given the green light to step up training". Stand by for another red card epidemic.

But just as the death of the Queen Mother was ruined by a 4-0 defeat at Birmingham, so there are new availability issues to dampen the spirits of Grimsbyites thrilled by the prospect of Pouton's return. Jason Crowe has missed training this week "with illness", imparts BBC Humber, and with Darren Barnard away doing nothing with the Welsh squad this weekend Town could be a bit stuck for someone to play left-back at the Withdean. If Simon Ford recovers from whatever it was that he had, then Mike Edwards could move out there; but the former Hull man, who has excelled as Ford's replacement in central defence, would be the first to admit that he didn't have much fun on the left against Peterborough a month ago. Well, perhaps not the first but possibly in the first few pages.

Monday 6 October
"To lose at the death was hard to stomach," says Paul Groves of Saturday's last-gasp home defeat to QPR. Speaking in today's Grimsby Telegraph, the Town manager insists: "It was a game we should have taken something from." Groves' opposite number Ian Holloway, on the other hand, says "justice was done" when Eric Sabin's 94th-minute strike handed his side the points. Ian Duncan Smith, meanwhile, is insisting that he will lead the Conservative Party to victory at the next general election.

Saturday 4 October
A huge turnout of five and a half thousand fans demonstrate why Town's proposed 20,000-capacity new stadium can't be built quickly enough and see the Mariners come within seconds of a fourth consecutive clean sheet when a 94th-minute goal from Eric Sabin breaks the deadlock to hand QPR a first ever win at Blundell Park. A game controlled largely by the home side is otherwise notable only for the return of long-term injury victim Iain Anderson as a 74th-minute substitute. The result keeps North East Lincs' finest in the lower mid-table doldrums; and having seen three home defeats by the first week of October even more optimistic fans could now be starting to discount Town's chances of an immediate return to Division One. "Capital Punishment For Fighting Mariners" says a headline on the club's official site, floating the grisly prospect of a public execution for Tony Crane and Darren Barnard.

Does anyone know a good, free local-rate dial-up ISP? I've got a really good deal with Tiscali that costs a fiver a month for unmetered peak-time access, but the one I have to use at weekends is crap and keeps packing in. I've had to dial up about 19 pigging times today.

Right - I'm off to watch that Raising Victor Vargas and then see if I can talk Mrs Diary into a curry. See ya Monday.

Friday 3 October
Iain Anderson - who the Diary suggests might as well be nicknamed Handy Andy before Town's official site starts calling him "Ando" - is back in training after his explosive start to life at Blundell Park was curtailed by an elliptical knee hubbub and could return for the trip to Brighton a week tomorrow, reports the club's website. Anderson was banging in goals like his TV DIY nicknamesake bangs in nails before picking up an injury at Luton, ooh, ages ago now, but has handed Paul Groves a boost by returning to the practice pitch. Groves is said by insiders at the club to be a Twix man, but with cutbacks rife since the ITV Digital episode the player-manager will accept any biscuity, chocolate-covered snack he can lay hands on.

Other team news for tomorrow's visit of QPR - for which the attendance is expected to top 5,000 and give Town second rather than third division support for the first time this season - is that Mike Edwards has recovered from the tummy turbulence that had him subbed off at half-time at Blackpool. "He's since managed to get something inside him and keep it down," Mr Groves tells the Telegraph, raising the possibility that future Diaries will be moved away from lunchtime. Des Hamilton may be rested, though, which is nice for him.

For the visitors Danny Shittu is another victim of knee, and if the broadcasters of this nation can abolish Nwankwo Kanu's first name then why is said QPR defender not known simply as Danny; and why, for that matter, are Scunthorpe ever mentioned? Arthur Gnohere - who featured in the Burnley defence last season that shipped six against Town and seven against Watford and Wednesday - is on loan to the hoopy ones but sadly misses out with a suspension. Tidings most alarming are that 'veteran' striker Paul Furlong is set to return. I can't really remember whether he has scored loads of goals against the Mariners but he seems like the sort of player who does; and Tony 'Adams' Crane will have to continue his awesome run of recent form tomorrow.

That's us and them accounted for, then, but what about that referee fellow? It's time for Markie's Refwatch. The experienced Mr Alan Kaye of Wakefield is our man, says Mr Stilton, adding: "He's quite a lenient ref really - he only issued four reds and 78 yellows in 33 games last season. That's quite a low total compared to some of his card-happy colleagues we've experienced." Indeed. But does he like us? After overseeing losses at BP against Chesterfield and Watford in recent years "Mr Kaye always seems to referee dour home defeats for us. Although the odds are in his favour aren't they? Tony B thought he was all right against Chesterfield and suggested that perhaps he 'still was a little yellow' for the Watford match. I wouldn't be too concerned normally, but ever since I've started the Refwatch, the refs have been completely different to how I've predicted. So I'm expecting three red cards and two dodgy penalties."

That dodgy teaser line on BBC Humber seemed to disappear pretty sharpish yesterday, being replaced with something about GTFC and the mysterious case of the disappearing parachute payments. The link to this, in turn, led to some guff about a bloke in east Yorkshire called Peter Taylor; but several hours of detective work later, the Diary discovered that it is now Portsmouth and not Leicester who merit your bile and venom by dragging their feet about the 'chute cash - and in particular their shadowy chairman Milan Mandaric. Wolves merit your bile and venom just for being Wolves. And "A sum of £300,000" is not a sentence.

Last of all, then, many thanks to the dozens of Diary readers who have emailed on the same subject in the last couple of days, but I'm really not sure as to the relevance of Newcastle United now being sponsored by Lilt.

Thursday 2 October
A bloke called yesterday from the garage where Mrs Diary's car is being repaired, wanting to know why the damage was clearly on the door when the insurance form said it was on the "quarter panel". Those who know me best could guess that I have no more idea what the quarter panel is than I know why Norwich Union buggered up the form. Bloke From Garage nevertheless expressed great amusement at this when he later spoke to Mrs D. But why? I did not request him to distinguish between defining and non-defining clauses. I would have been mightily impressed were he to have expounded upon the subtle art of subject-verb agreement or the semantic dangers of the dangling modifier. Why, then, is the Diary expected to have grasped the finer details of automobile repair, when the purpose of my existence on this planet is to find news about Grimsby Town Football Club and rewrite it in a vaguely entertaining style?

Now if I appeared to have no idea of, say, who is the manager of GTFC, you would all have grounds for complaint. If I were to write something like "Town manager Tony Crane is beginning to prove he's a good signing for the club" then you would quite rightly demand my guts for garters. Yet this is how the BBC Humber website is squandering your licence fee today - unless of course the professional mardy-arses of North East Lincolnshire have got their way and Paul Groves is indeed out, with Town's 'towering' Yorkshire centre-half being the only man on Earth except Mat Hare willing to take his place.

What do Clive Mendonca and Lauren Laverne have in common? Apart from the Diary worshipping the ground they walk upon, I mean. That's right - they're both from Sunderland. And so are Mavis, a thrilling indie/pop/punk/emo outfit who are to bestow upon the aforesaid Clive an honour seldom bestowed upon former footballers for Grimsby Town FC by naming an album after him. The band have opted to christen their second long-player Mavis vs. The Mendonca, possibly in tribute to the player's tremendous hat-trick for Charlton in the 1998 first division play-off final, which consigned the Mackems to another year of slugging it out in the Nationwide with the likes of Grimsby. The album is released on, er, hang on - I've always wanted to sound like John Peel - where's my piece of paper? - on the highly respected Toddler Records on 27 October. Ace!

Wednesday 1 October
Well, what can I say? If only the Diary had been a bit less supportive of Laurens Ten Heuvel, the entire course of world history might have turned out differently.

I refer, of course, to the winning goal delivered at Bloomfield Road last night by none other than Tony Crane, whose displays at the back so far this season have had the Diary reaching for, er, whatever drug people reach for if they need to be calmed down a bit from a state of severe and debilitating nervous anxiety. After your opinions were requested yesterday, two emails reached me between the column being uploaded at 13:34 and Crane's decisive intervention on the Fylde at 21:19, both referring unkindly to solid bodily waste and one deeming the former Wednesdayite to possess "the footballing ability of a tree". Normally the Diary is minded to refrain from criticising current players, but if it has this effect then I might have to try and be nasty more often.

While we ill-informed fanzine writers snipe and carp, Big Tony's colleagues are queueing up to shower him with praise and superlatives, and with three clean sheets in a row we ought to bow to their superior knowledge really. John McDermott pops up in the Grimsby Telegraph to describe the rearguard action last night as "outstanding", while Aidan Davison may still be suffering from concussion after that bang on the head in the play-off final in 1998: "In the last three games Tony Crane has been outstanding," says the experienced stopper, who had something of a blinder himself, "and tonight he was absolutely brilliant - Tony Adams style." Hey, now let's not go down that road, Aidan; we've only just got shot of one defender who believed Guinness really was good for you.

The result, anyway, sounds like a less than accurate reflection of the balance of play; not that you or I will be demanding the FA take the three points back, of course, or indeed Paul Groves, who sounds delighted with both the result and the reception he had from Blackpool fans on returning to his (very) old club. If only they were that polite at the Hawthorns. Or Blundell Park, for that matter.

Since the Diary feels compelled to obsessively track the movements of Andy Todd, I must record that Town's former loan defender has been recalled from his loan at Burnley to return to Blackburn, where he will in all likelihood displace Lorenzo Amoruso from the starting line-up and bugger up my fantasy league team.

The shadowy leaders of the Cod Almighty team have been overheard to observe that traffic on this website has been unusually heavy so far today. The Diary is certain that this is due only to events in Lancashire last night and has nothing to do with the legal issues surrounding speculation by [CENSORED] on [CENSORED] about [CENSORED].

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