Cod Almighty

daily independent coverage of Grimsby Town FC

Diary

Friday 30 April
Oh, sorry. You catch me in the middle of sifting through all the emails I've received this week that I have put to one side To Deal With Later. Take this one for example: 'Britain On The Move', promoting some ITV campaign encouraging people to walk more as – apparently – Britain is becoming an ever more obese country. How the hell did this get past ITV's advertisers? A campaign to make people walk more means they won't be sat on their comfy settees (and arses) watching ITV's commercial-laden crap (apart from The Bill, which is ace). And given that the pockets of several Carlton and Granada bigwigs have swelled enormously recently, isn't this moralising a bit rich (ho, ho)?

Ah yes, welcome to today's Diary, being written in record time from Cod Almighty's Leeds office as no-one else is around to write it. Plus I want to get to the pub. So, for a change, the Diary has done some research and got in touch with various Grimsby-related people to see what news they have, if only in an attempt to get the Diary to write itself with some judicious copy-and-pastes. Only two of those got back to me, so before we hear what they have to say let's have a quick nip round the World Of Grimsby.

Graham Rodger calls for, like the midwife at my daughter's birth, "one big push" from – unlike my daughter's birth – both the fans and the players. "I honestly believe that our fans are always worth a goal at Blundell Park," says the assistant boss. He doesn't specify whether it's the goal at the Ponny end of the ground or the Osmond though. The Rodger goes on explaining: "There was one or two heated moments [in training] today... it shows that the players are up for it." By 'it' let's hope he means the match on Saturday and not a massive drinking session at the Dark Drain tonight. The team news is that Barney, the Stace, and Jase Crowe are carrying knocks but don't worry – they should be fit. Phew. And there could be a surprise return for Jamie Lawrence, which can only be a good thing – something I didn't think I would have said when he first arrived.

Stu and Macca

In preparation for what seems to be a mighty demand for when Town's stylish new shirt goes on sale at the club shop tomorrow morning (as seen right with one of the two massive Mariner's Pies made to mark the sponsorship), the club is flogging off all the shirts bearing the previous sponsor's logo for only a fiver. By the way, did you know that over four million Mariners Pies were sold last year? Fact.

Talking of the new kit, over at the club's official message board the question being asking is: red or black stockings? Regular readers of Cod Almighty know there is only one answer – as our friends at CAMRED will vouch for. Even though there has already been a photoshoot with the players decked out in black socks, the club is willing to listen to the fans on this pertinent issue. At the time of writing red was edging out black with 73 per cent of the vote, but don't let that lead stop you from exercising your democratic right. You know what to do, people.

And on to the fudged-together section of the diary. For those who can't make the game or are contemplating their listening before and after it, David Burns sends words from Radio Humberside's plush new offices, which seem to now have access to that interweb thing:

"BBC Radio Humberside's commentary team is preparing for the match (commentary on 1485AM and our new digital radio service), John Tondeur is searching out his lucky trousers, four leaf clover and rabbit's foot (some of the players appear to have rabbit's feet!). John will be joined by former Town manager George Kerr and our reporter Amanda Thomson will be amongst the fans (probabaly in the Imp before the game) to gauge their reaction. We'll hear from Graham Hockless, Darren Barnard, Nicky Law, John McDermott and Peter Furneaux ahead of kick-off. Saturday Sport starts at 1:30 and the Football Forum for the fans' phone calls is from five."

Meanwhile, stalwart Lincolnshire Today journo Sam Metcalf is pressing the claims of 80s John Hughes film (a movie genre in its own right) Pretty In Pink ("I love it. It's got an ace soundtrack, too"), which he bought in a Virgin sale ("Rosemary's Baby was 99p!"), arguing the merits of its allegedly minxy starlet ("Molly Ringwald's got the best name in the world, EVER!"). I was more of an Ally Sheedy man myself. Or boy, as the case was when I was 12.

Which leaves us to finish off with this week's refwatch:

Taking charge of the Mariners' final home game of the season will be Mr Nigel Miller. With 59 yellow cards in 26 games – averaging 2.27 bookings per game – Mr Miller is one of the more restrained officials in the league. Taking into account only the eight division two games he has officiated, this figure drops to a flat 2.0, with one red card. With this weekend's game a heated relegation battle, expect this average to rise somewhat.

In his first season as a league referee, the County Durham official will be taking charge of his first Mariners game. So far this season, Mr Miller has overseen the home team win 12 times, draw eight, and lose six. In his Division Two matches the home team has won and drawn three times, and lost twice.

Right. Time's up. Time to walk to the pub. Hey, I guess you could say I'm on the move, hee hee hee. At the last minute news reaches me that the lad who sits behind me at work has put a quid on Town to be down at half-time but to win the game. Cheers for that, Steve, ye of little faith.

If you want to drop the Diary a line just wing those missives to diary@codalmighty.com and the regular Diary can deal with them. And – hey! – up the Mariners!

Thursday 29 April
Town fans who have 40 quid to spend, who don't mind Nike's links with sweatshop labour, and who aren't good enough at sewing to buy a Barca away top for £13.80 and stitch a GTFC badge onto it, can now pre-order the new Young's shirt online at the club shop. The new away kit is soon to follow, and word is that the design is "like Brazil but with black instead of blue". First, though, the initial consignment of 600 black and white beauties is on its way to Blundell Park as we speak, and it is to be hoped that somebody can answer the door so that they don't suffer the same fate as two of the Diary's birthday presents last Saturday, which, after I'd legged it up to Manchester for the weekend, were left sitting on my doorstep by the postman until I arrived home at about seven o'clock on the Sunday night. Sorry – it just really annoyed me.

"A young Grimsby Town Reserves side were easily overcome by Doncaster Rovers this afternoon," reports Town's official site, and if you go back to the main page from the page that says it then you will learn that it said it yesterday. The match appears to have taken place at Blundell Park, with Mickael Antoine-Curier again named in the second string – either because he still needs to prove that his ankle can withstand the rigours of a first-team match or because Nicky Law has finally realised that he's crap – together with somebody called Hackney. With Paul Fraser having returned between the sticks, meanwhile, trialist keeper Brett Chittock has either gone back to Spalding United or melted.

With only two wins in his ten matches as Town manager, Nicky Law may be teetering on the brink of a chasm of despair and nasty spiky things, but as the Diary's mum said when I cried all night after being dumped by Michelle Stewart for the third time, there's always somebody worse off than yourself. Hope for Nick, then, might be found in the salutary example of San Marino, who have just emerged from a far worse spell of form, ending a 14-year winless run with a 1-0 win over Liechtenstein last night. "I'm delighted to have scored the winner," says SM striker Andy Selva, who scored the winner. "It's a historic goal for San Marino and also for me." Mickael Antoine-Curier is believed to be already scouring his family tree for a Marinese great-uncle.

Email reaches the Diary from Séan Carr, who has been to try out the translation website that reveals a Danish word 'grimsby', meaning 'ugly, nasty, bad'. "I now have to send an apology to my learned friend Richard who has a 'proper' degree in archaeology," writes Séan, "although he has barely done a week's work in his 33 years." Much like the Diary, then. Go on. "He told me in 1997 that Grimsby was Viking for 'village of the ugly people'." Well, the Vikings clearly knew all about Nicky Law's preferred style of football.

Well, goodbye again. Guest Diary is away tomorrow doing his mum's garden, so I dunno who you'll get. It could be me. It could be you. It could be Mickael Antoine-Curier, for that matter; he can't be much worse at writing than he is at playing centre-forward.

Wednesday 28 April
Having repeatedly tried and failed to motivate his players by stating that they are rubbish, Nicky Law finally changes tack in a new interview for Town's official website. Looking ahead to this weekend's must-win clash with Brentford, the stopgap Mariners manager strikes up his usual riff about ugliness – "it's not going to be a pretty game" – before making the shock admission that if his players match the Bees for brutality then "we've got the better footballers". It is uncertain from the context of Law's managerial career, however, whether he actually intends this as a compliment. The bouncer goes on, though, to observe of Isaiah Rankin, the only decent forward at the club, that "if you get the ball into his feet in the right areas, he really is a threat. He's an excellent player at this level." At this point in the interview viewers on Mariners World can see the camera pan out to reveal that Law is seated on Graham Rodger's knee, with the assistant manager appearing to manipulate his lip movements from behind his head. "A gottle of geer!" adds the former Bradford and Chesterfield boss.

The magnitude of the Brentford game is underlined by the club's desperation to get as many people in to the ground as possible to roar their disapproval of the players' indifferent performance. No fewer than two bairns will be admitted free with each "responsible paying adult", while junior season ticket holders are invited to "bring a buddy", perhaps in recognition of the American influence on Grimsby dialect whereby 'pants' means your trousers and not your undies. Took me years to get my head round that one.

More importantly, really, so I don't know why I didn't lead with it today, Jamie Lawrence could make a surprise return to the GTFC line-up this Saturday. The 'experienced' midfielder played considerably less badly than all Nicky Law's other signings in his two-and-a-bit games for the Mariners before suffering leg gash at Loftus Road on Easter Saturday, and was expected to sit out the rest of the season but could be back against Brentford, says Law. Fingers crossed, then, given the way Stuart Campbell reverted to type at Edgeley Park. Craig Armstrong – oh yeah, I forgot about him! – could miss the rest of the season with thigh gam, though. "Darren Barnard, Jason Crowe and Stacy Coldicott have all missed training today, but they should all train on Thursday," adds the Millennium Dome.

"Nerr, I don't like all that spicy food!" "Huhhh, nice 'airdo! Yer fuckin grebo freak!" "I'm sorry, we don't sell the Guardian." Three phrases often heard in Grimsby – but the GTFC catering team now is taking a brave and innovative leap into the 20th century by stocking the Blundell Park food 'n' drink kiosks with chicken balti pies, following a decade-long struggle by a small but vocal minority of Town fans who are not afflicted by the region's congenital fear of coriander. Local campaigners against the outside world have denounced the move as "another nail on the slippery coffin slope towards a flood of French."

Today's final word goes to Paul Thundercliffe, who has a super money-saving idea for Town fans who want a new shirt but have spent all their money on Young's Mariners Pie. "For those who think £40 is a bit steep," says PT, "go to teamsportswear.co.uk and buy a Nike 'Barca' top for £13.80. Then stick a Town badge on it and you have the new kit! Well that's what Town did!" You go first then, Paul...

Tuesday 27 April
After negotiating the early release of Marcel Cas and Des Hamilton from their playing contracts this season, GTFC have done likewise with their sponsor Jarvis and officially announced their new deal with Young's. The local seafood company takes over just 12 months after the troubled engineering firm agreed a three-year sponsorship with the Mariners which looked shaky from the very start, as Stephen Venney – the Town fan, convicted fraudster and Jarvis employee who fixed up the deal – disappeared last year on his way to the press conference to announce it. Young's has tied itself to the Mariners for a two-year period, though no mention is made on Town's website of the fee involved, nor about the terms by which the Jarvis deal was terminated, though it can be assumed that GTFC will not have received the full £250,000 that it was reported to have been worth. Town's new shirt bearing the Young's logo looks great, with super stripy sleeves – although it is manufactured by Nike, the multinational notoriously linked to Far East sweatshops with appalling working conditions, poverty pay, underage workers and the denial of basic workplace rights.

Over to the Grimsby Telegraph, where a truly horrible letter today attempts to defend those 'supporters' who believe that the correct response to a struggling team is not to try and get behind it but to walk away. "If they went into a restaurant and their meal was less than satisfactory and the service was somewhat below average, would they go back to the same restaurant again in a hurry?" asks Scott Worboys of Rothwell, who will presumably be supporting silver-service Arsenal from now on. Scott concludes by making explicit the lightweight fan's eternal contradiction: "I wish the team well in their relegation battle – without my hard-earned money!" Tomorrow: the pilot who suffered vertigo and figured his passengers would be better off if he just parachuted out of the plane.

Miles Moss, finally, has discovered a translation website that produces a grimly amusing result when you use it to translate the Danish word 'grimsby' into English. Try it yourself!

Monday 26 April
Nicky Law says we need six points to stay up, and that's about it. No Town players have made the Division Two PFA team of the season thing, and not even the club's official website can feign surprise; not content with mixing up Town and Scunny on the front page of its sport section last week, BBC Humber is now struggling to distinguish football from rugby league ("SCUNTHORPE 1–0 MACCLESFIELD: The Black and Whites got their first win in 10 years at the Odsal Stadium"); the Grimsby Telegraph's 'local sport' section includes a story about somebody buying some shares in Manchester United; and various media sources are bidding up the range of the consolation goal by Graham Hockless at Stockport on Saturday. County's official site opens with a 25-yard screamer, only for its GTFC counterpart to up the stakes to "a wonder goal from 35 yards" and the BBC, in turn, to lead the bidding with "Graham Hockless' 40-yard drive". Now that is one big-ass front garden.

Saturday 24 April
Fleeting glimpses of hope for the several hundred passionate Town fans at Edgeley Park watching their side's latest surrender, but the two limp goals Stockport are gifted in the first ten minutes are enough to consign the Mariners to a 13th away defeat of the season. Graham Hockless gives his seniors a lesson in both skill and commitment with a wonderful long-range goal – just four minutes after coming on as a second-half substitute – and some determined tackling back, but unfortunately there is, as the travelling fans note, only one Graham Hockless, and it is his teammates' indifference and languor more than any notable ability on County's part that hands the home side their 2-1 victory. Grimsby's shrugging itinerants bear the brunt of loud criticism from their supporters, but deservedly so: this is no reflex miserablism; this is righteous anger.

Results elsewhere see Notts County's relegation sealed, leaving Town to battle it out – yeah, right – with Peterborough, Chesterfield, Rushden, Brentford and Stockport to avoid the final two drop spots, but on 50 and 51 points respectively the latter two are sitting somewhat prettier than the rest of the struggling pack.

Thanks to all those who entered the Diary's grand space-filling birthday tickets competition this week, and here are the answers. Town's assistant commercial dude Dave Smith scored on his Mariners debut against Brentford (in a 4-0 win on 17 January 1998; his goal against his old club West Brom was his third for GTFC and came in the following season). The former Town star signed for £10,000 after a supporters' whip-round was Joe Waters (who joined from Leicester in 1976; the fee for Ivano Bonetti, which was also raised by fans, was £50,000). And the transfer fee for Paul Futcher, who signed for the Mariners from Halifax in the 1990-91 season, was also £10,000. Congratulations to all of you who answered correctly, from whom the randomly drawn winners are Dale Walmsley and Mike Worden. A big "rah!" for you both – and also a pair of tickets each for the Brentford match next Saturday. We'll be in touch.

Friday 23 April
Eject the cuckoo from Town's nest...

"He busted in on my dreams, and made me see things I don't want to see." Yes, your increasingly eccentric Guest Diarist is still drawing apparently parallels between musical and soccer madness. But that mad cuckoo Law will surely be forced to play the best team available (and in the right positions) for a second consecutive match tomorrow. The Town treatment room is no longer the place to be for a good crack. Not even enough inhabitants for a three-handed game of dommies, with just McDermott and Davison wondering where their seasons have disappeared. Macca memorably said, a few years ago, that life was never boring at Town – always there is an end-of-season battle to either survive, or prosper. Well you've got it again in spades, mate. It's just a shame you have to watch from the stands this time.

Stockport away then. Well, we often draw there, but have been known to nick a win, now and again. Oh, and we sometimes lose. Horrible pitch, the memory of Challinor resurfacing (although he's gone on a sabbatical to Bury or somewhere), and the desperate scrabble for points. Points we shouldn't have needed, as County's official site reminds us, saying that "the Mariners have only themselves to blame" before mentioning a litany of win-less months (like March), points dropped because of last-gasp goals, and serious thrashings at regular intervals through the season. The truth hurts, no matter how often you hear it, don't you find?

As for poor old Martin Pringle, Pete Green's amusing article in today's Grimsby Telegraph tells us about his unexpectedly disappointing new career. We'll never think of him the same way again. The Telegraph has also got loads of predictable soundbite-based articles from Town people, all saying things like "biggest match of the season" and "it's a six-pointer", but no well-written match preview. Good job Simon Wilson's busy penning one right now for Cod Almighty, which will appear later on, he tells me, assuming the bastards stop throwing 'real' work at him...

What would Friday be without the catchily titled Refwatch report? Here you go, gentle readers, the lowdown on tomorrow's man in the middle:

The referee for Saturday's encounter at Edgeley Park will be Mr Kevin Wright, currently in his first season as a league referee. In 25 games this season, the Cambridgeshire official has issued 76 cards: just about three a game. In addition he has sent off eight players, including two during Grantham's first-round FA Cup tie against Leyton Orient in November. Saturday will mark Mr Wright's first involvement in a Town game, but not his first with Stockport: he previously took charge of the Hatters' 2-2 draw at Port Vale on 28 December.

In Mr Wright's eight second division games there have been three home wins, three away wins and two draws. Overall, though, he has seen nearly twice as many home wins as away wins (14 against eight). May I draw your attention to the fact that one of the linesmen – Mr David Richardson – resides, like this author, from West Yorkshire. Please bear this in mind should he be running the line near the visiting fans at the weekend. I think he lives just down the road from me.

In case you missed it, Tony Crane was named in the Nationwide Division Two Team of the Week. A transient honour, it has to be said – we almost blinked and missed it. Especially as they placed our one-man EU meat mountain in midfield. But, bless him, he deserves it, for attitude alone, and as a reward for not being booked or owt for bloody ages.

I've heard a rumour that a tiny few of you have got all Mr Diary's quiz questions right. So come back and visit the Diary on Saturday night, in case you're the lucky bleeder who's won match tickets to see the mighty Mariners. It's certainly a better deal than the quiz I saw on advertised on Ceefax clubcall last night – the prize being just a couple of tickets to see Leeds, which involved three text messages at £1.50 a pop, or summat, just for the privilege of entering. Anyroad, if you email me with the name of the song I quoted from at the top of this piece, and the names of the three members of that band who have all subsequently "drifted gently into mental illness", then I'll send the first correct one received an exciting piece of Town memorabilia by first class post. See yer, and let's hope for at least a point tomorrow.

Thursday 22 April
Prepare to be aroused by a proclamation! GTFC have called a press conference for next Tuesday for what they describe as an "exciting announcement" about the club's future, which can mean one of three things: Nicky Law is being replaced by Martin O'Neill with immediate effect; Associated British Ports has given the club 10 acres of land completely free for a new stadium complex built around the docks; or they've discovered a seventh set of rare plates to auction on QXL. Or they might be announcing the Young's sponsorship, which the Diary reported in January (as a fact, not a rumour, fact fans). The conference is scheduled for 10:00am, so get those index fingers in training now for a lot of clicking on your 'refresh' button.

Just as fishermen are a superstitious breed, so Grimsby Town supporters tend to perceive their team as the plaything of Fate, that capricious goddess who may see fit to bear up your fortunes on a sunbeam but is equally likely to grind your hopes into the dust with the heel of her knee-high leather boots. So it is that many a Mariner will hear the news of Luke Beckett's possible return to the Stockport team this Saturday, turn around, and say: "Cuh!" The Sheffield-born frontman, who has scored 40 goals for the Hatters in just 72 appearances, has been sidelined since September with a cruciate ligament injury but certainly knows how to pick his moments. "I'd love to be on the bench," says Beckett of this weekend's big crunchy clash. "It's such a big game, you could come on for the last couple of minutes and score and it's been things like that I've been thinking about while I've been out for so long." You and the Diary both, Luke.

Scunthorpe United may not be quite dead and buried, but after their stiffs played Town yesterday they're certainly digging Graves. Iron midfielder Wayne Graves, that is – who scored the opening goal in the 2-2 draw between the two reserve sides. Town hit back to lead 2-1 (and I don't know who scored because the only place I could find out about the match was in the Scunny Telegraph, and they don't bloody care) but conceded an equaliser shortly before the interval. Whether Mickael Antoine-Curier's ankle proved its match fitness or crumbled to dust is not yet known.

Have you seen Polythene Pam? Town fans intending to travel to the season's curtain-bringer-downer at Prenton Park on 8 May are urged to take their seats at 2:59pm and no sooner, as the Diary has discovered that the game will be preceded by a vocal performance from the winner of the Tranmere Rovers Karaoke Challenge (in conjunction with Wirral's Buzz 97.1). This daily news column writer person, for one, has long believed that the best form of pre-match entertainment is generally to be had in a pint glass, and my determination to stay in the pub until the very last moment has only been strengthened by the prospect of the Mariners' second division swansong being prefaced by a bottle-blonde scouse bint drowning out the Mersey foghorns with 'I Will Survive'.

Tickets for Town's final home game of the season, meanwhile – against Brentford on 1 May – are reckoned by the club's official website to be shifting satisfactorily, though these days that could mean a whole dozen have been sold. Diary readers, though, can have themselves a pair free, gratis, complimentary and without charge, by offering correct answers in this week's quiz – and if you're smart enough to read the Diary then you're sure as hell not too soft in the head to bang out three right 'uns to these very simple questions about GTFC. So without any further adieu, I will bid you ado with today's final question.

Mariners legend Paul Futcher joined the club from Halifax in the 1990–91 season. What was the transfer fee?

there was no fee
£10,000
£100,000

That is all. Mail your answers to diary@codalmighty.com, with a subject line of whatever you bloody well like, and if you haven't entered yet then it's not too late; the Diary will accept all three answers at once. You have until I reach a computer after the Stockport game on Saturday. Until then, it's over to Guest Diary tomorrow, as usual. T'ra.

Wednesday 21 April
I'm still feeling it a bit, so this won't be much.

Looking ahead to this weekend's crunch decisive six-pointer showdown humdinger clash with Stockport, Town's official site has been "speaking exclusively" to Stuart Campbell – not realising, presumably, that he gave another interview in yesterday's Telegraph – in which the Town captain helpfully observes that "We must get a result – at least a draw, but preferably a win." Rather more enlighteningly, Cambo McCambish reveals that he was "disappointed to be dropped" – confirming the belief of fans that, contrary to the official line that the player's recent month-long absence from the team was due to injury, Nicky Law had in fact deemed him to be no bloody good. Whoops.

Staying with the Stockport game, three fringe players are afflicted with slight injuries in the run-up to it: John Thorrington, Mickael Antoine-Curier and David Soames. Graham Hockless, as more of a mullet player these days, remains match fit. Town's official website reports that the trio are currently hampered by hamstrings and ankles and things but will probably all be fit for Saturday's trip to Cheshire. Which is nice. The French Chap, peculiarly, is named in the starting line-up for this afternoon's reserve game at Scunthorpe, with the OS, as confused as the Diary, speculating that "this could be a trial to see how the problem would stand up to match action." Somebody, somewhere, must know what they're doing.

But it isn't BBC Humber, whose sports index today trails a report with the headline Laws praises vital victory, a graphic of the GTFC club badge, and the teaser line "All the team news ahead of Tuesday's Division Three fixture". Read that last sentence again, and if you can work out how they managed that then you're a better man or woman than the Diary. In fact, you really ought to enter the Diary's grand birthday space filler tickets competition, which began yesterday. And if you haven't answered yesterday's question (see below, doofus) then it's not too late: you can wait until the final day tomorrow and send your answers all at once, or one at a time, it's all the same to me, I can take you any time pal. Today's question reads thusly:

Which former GTFC star was bought for £10,000 after a supporters' whip-round raised the fee?

Joe Waters
Marc North
Ivano Bonetti

Answers to diary@codalmighty.com please, and remember: this competition is not open to members of the Cod Almighty editorial board, their friends and families, and Michael Howard.

Tuesday 20 April
Joe Lightowler's stock as future saviour of GTFC, miracle healer of disease and bringer of world peace, equality and universal happiness has taken a terrible tumble after his shock failure to score four times in yesterday's reserve game against Hartlepool. Fans flocked to Blundell Park in their ones in the hope of glimpsing the 17-year-old chosen one walk on the Humber estuary or feed the entire capacity crowd with loaves, fishes and half-time oranges, but the visitors strode back up the east coast with a 3-0 victory under their belts – not quite matching the dominance over the Mariners that their first-team counterparts have managed this season, but fairly comfortable nonetheless. Before the second string can get their youthful breath back, their penultimate outing this season takes place as early as tomorrow afternoon – presumably at the behest of Sky TV – at the Theatre of Dither, also known as Glanford Park.

Town director John Fenty, seen by some as the eventual successor to Peter Furneaux as chairman, is about to raise £20m from the sale of his Grimsby-based company Five Star Fish, but refuses to be drawn on whether the deal has implications for GTFC. The Grimmo Telegraph reports that the firm is set to be acquired by, er, another firm, within the next few weeks, and hints that Fenty will reinvest the money but adds: "Mr Fenty declined to comment on if the deal would have an impact on Grimsby Town Football Club as the two are separate issues." Which may be true in the cold, hard world of the business world, but Town fans with a more holistic, Zen-like view of the cosmos are sure to argue that, just as the concept of self is illusory, so all of creation is essentially a single, eternally empathic entity, all that divides Blundell Park from the rest of the universe, equally, is simply the product of the materialist Western mind, and that new 20,000-capacity stadium wouldn't go amiss thank you very much.

Because I'm in a dead good mood because of my new trainers; because GTFC's new assistant commercial thingummy-bloke Dave Smith is really nice; because you've all suffered quite enough this season – and because there's bugger all else to put in the Diary right now – it has been decided that Diary readers should be rewarded for their good taste with some free tix for Town's final home game of this wretched campaign. Yep – the Diary has two pairs of tickets for the match against Brentford on Saturday 1 May to quite literally give away to two of you lot. And being the paragons of wisdom that you are, you'll jump at the chance of wearing your brains on your sleeves, won't you? So: three questions, today, tomorrow and Thursday. Answer them all correctly and you're in with a shout (winner will be drawn at random, by Rolf Harris, etc etc). So here's your starter for ten.

In his playing days, Town's assistant commercial fella-me-lad Dave Smith scored on his Mariners debut – against which club?

Brentford
Burnley
West Bromwich Albion

That's it for today then. Mail your answers to diary@codalmighty.com with the subject line "Happy birthday Mr Diary, I loooove you baby". Be sure to come back tomorrow for question two, and to laugh at how hungover I am.

Monday 19 April
Mariners chairman Peter Furneaux is keeping his options open as to Nicky Law's future at the club – but a decision could be made soon after the season's last game at Tranmere on 8 May. In a superb exclusive Cod Almighty interview conducted on Saturday by the estimable Paul Thundercliffe, the heavy metal head honcho reveals, among other things, that no decision has yet been made as to extending Law's managerial contract at Blundell Park – which, as things stand, expires next month – but that "we will assess things before the summer". Furneaux adds: "There is no point paying people over the summer if we are not going to keep them, players as well. If it's working and the players he's recommended are working then we will make a decision, and if it's not working then we will also make a decision." The Diary hereby calls upon GTFC to take a leaf out of Tony Blair's book and put that decision to the people of Grimsby in a referendum – dispensing, of course, with the usual requirement for a minimum turnout to ensure the validity of the poll. Five per cent probably wouldn't cut it on the European constitution, but it's good enough for us.

Well, Town might finally have started playing football the right way as they eked out a win over a desperately poor Rushden side on Saturday, but the media charged with chronicling their exploits are not functioning quite as they ought. The front page of BBC Humber Sport carries a link to some match, somewhere in time, that finished GRIMSBY 2-0 BLACKPOOL, while the Grimsby Telegraph has bought into its readers' propensity to recast surnames in the plural, headlining a piece quoting the Mariners' manager LAWS URGES MARINERS TO BELIEVE. Hey, we've all had Brian on our minds lately.

No such problems are in evidence at Town's official website, despite warnings of a "decline in the technical standards of the site". The keeper of the OS, Mr Dale Ladson, "has had a 'happy event' and will be away from his desk for a few days", explains the site. Well, the Diary fully understands that these are dark times for all of us associated with Grimsby Town Football Club, but is it really necessary to give their staff the week off just because the team has won a match?

Saturday 17 April
Town decide to distinguish this season's relegation from last by doing that whole keeping your hopes alive a bit longer thing, though it takes a late penalty to break the deadlock against a defence-minded Rushden side. This afternoon's visitors to Blundell Park, who had taken only one point from their previous six games, manage to keep the Mariners at bay until the 80th minute, despite the return of Isaiah Rankin, when a challenge on Stuart Campbell by Diamonds player-manager Barry Hunter (or, if you're Town's official website, Rodney Jack) results in a spot-kick, duly despatched by Phil Jevons for his first goal in 10 appearances. Chesterfield and Stockport claim unlikely points with 1-1s at Port Vale and QPR respectively, while rubbish Barnsley roll over at home for Brentford, whose resurgent form under Martin Allen looks like preserving their second division status. Rushden are now right down in the brown stuff, level on 48 points with Stockport and Peterborough: one ahead of Town, who remain in the final relegation slot at 21st place.

Down in the dungeon Hull somehow contrive to postpone their promotion party by stuttering to a poor draw at Macclesfield, while Lincoln maintain their charge to join the Tigers in the automatic slots with a 2-0 win at Carlisle. Boston's decent run of form comes to an end as Mansfield run out 2-1 victors at York Street, while the re-Lawsed Scunny hilariously go down 3-2 against nine-man Huddersfield after leading with just three minutes of normal time to play; and despite a favour from Lee Nogan, who puts through his own net to instigate York's 2-0 home defeat by Cheltenham, the Iron remain just three points above the Conference trapdoor. C'mon guys – hang in there and guarantee Town one genuine derby match next season...

That's all for another week with the Diary; thanks for reading, and if you're after a bit of light relief from the woes of the Mariners then Mrs Diary and I can strongly recommend a visit to the flicks to see the excellent Shaun of the Dead. Rumours that the film gave Town's back four a chance to supplement their miserly incomes by moonlighting as background zombies are yet to be started.

Friday 16 April
I woke up this morning feeling sorry for myself again. Another day dawning in the Law regime. A hefty dose of Elmore James and Eddie Boyd later, and I was on the brink of bringing you today's Diary in the manner of a Mississippi bluesman. Thank your lucky stars, gentle reader(s), that your recurring Guest Diarist was pulled back from that particular brink. But if I had possession over Judgement Day then there would be swift retribution for perverse acts committed in the name of football management by that martinet Law. Law, in fact, shall forthwith be known as Fester/Kurtz/Nosferatu (aka F/K/N): a name coined, as you may have suspected, by Cod Almighty correspondent Mr Tony Butcher. Tony writes to the Diary recounting a conversation with a Burnley fan who asked him recently "if we are going to stick with Fester until the end of the season? I assured him that Town fans would take a stick to Fester/Kurtz/Nosferatu until the end of the season."

This correspondent will also be a hellhound on F/K/N's trail until he is driven out of Town at the end of the season by the relegated hordes (all two thousand or so of us). Is there anyone out there who remotely respects or likes this man? If so please write in and try to convince me. As you can judge by the tenor of these opening paragraphs, it will be possibly not the easiest of tasks.

Paul Thundercliffe – who had the decency to elegantly encapsulate in a despairing article the other week what every right-thinking Town fan has been thinking about this season – has been in touch as well, saying: "Couldn't bring myself to write until now, but what the hey, it might be therapeutic. Some word of advice for anybody contemplating going on Saturday. No, not 'Don't, you stupid fucker', but don't watch a compilation video that you taped off Goals on Sunday in the early nineties half an hour before going. This is what I did on Monday, and it wasn't funny. Even Kevin Jobling looked magnificent. Can you believe we actually used to berate Rees for his 'holding up the ball and back-heeling it' shenanigans?!" Yes, I'm afraid that I did sometimes, Paul, and no I can't.

This week's excellent Refwatch takes pride of place on Town's official site this morning so I'd better emulate that and let you read all about tomorrow's hairy-armed man in black:

The referee for Saturday's encounter with Rushden & Diamonds will be Mr David Pugh. And the signs are good: Mr Pugh has presided over 19 games so far this season, with the home team only losing in four of those games. With a moderate average of 3.26 bookings per game, Mr Pugh is an exclusively Nationwide league-based official.

Now in his seventh season as a referee, Mr Pugh has taken charge of five Town games during that time. The most recent was a 2-0 defeat at Barnsley way back in September 2000. Town's overall record under Mr Pugh is won two, drawn one, lost two.

The official site also posts some encouraging increases in the number of choices available to N/F/K when he picks the teams for training this morning, saying: "Town boss Nicky Law has received a welcome boost with the news that Darren Barnard, Stuart Campbell, Isaiah Rankin and Craig Armstrong might join in training on Friday. Darren Mansaram, who has just completed a two match suspension after his sending off at Chesterfield, is set to return and could partner Isaiah up front. Jonny Rowan has also shook off a medial ligament injury and is already back in training." That must mean the tea lady is no longer required in her makeshift striker role during practice matches. I imagine that she will be disappointed though, as her place was merited on form compared to the Mansaram brothers. N/F/K rattles on predictably about 'battling qualities' and ends by declaring that "We now have to win games. We have to beat Rushden, we have to beat Brentford and we have to beat Stockport." I've tried repeating this several times, latterly in Churchillian manner, but our 'easy' run-in sounds less and less likely to produce points with each repetition. Still, hope springs eternal, they tell me.

Our opponents tomorrow, Rushden & Diamonds, have similar straitened circumstances to Town: best players 'sold', loads of injuries, and suspensions. But, taking a leaf out of Mr Tondeur's book, I will refrain from rabbiting on about the strengths and weaknesses of the opposition. There's no need anyway – if I tell you that Rodney Jack is playing it should be enough for you to know that we are doomed. If you want the full monty inside track, read Northampton Today and their nostalgically named goalie, Bill Turley, will tell you all.

By the way, the BBC has announced that local radio stations will get streamed on the internet soonish. Whether they will block footie commentaries like Radio Five does, I have no idea. Whether that applies to Conference games (always looking to the future, aren't I?)... see yer, and keep hoping – you got to, haven't yer.

Thursday 15 April
Probably not even Nicky Law himself believes in his heart of hearts that Town will still have anything to play for in his final game as GTFC manager, but in the unlikely event that the Mariners are still in with a shout of second division survival when they head to Tranmere on 8 May, Brian Little might end up helping them more than Law ever could. The not-Scousers' manager has accepted what the rest of the second division has known all season: that his team won't make the play-offs – and Little could be set to do a Wenger for the last couple of games and field players whose squad numbers are double their age. "There are lads like Steven Jennings, Chris Dagnall and others I would like to see play in the first team," the former Leicester and Aston Villa boss tells the Liverpool Daily Post, but adds: "However, we owe it to ourselves and the other clubs in the division to try and win our remaining games." The Diary is tempted to joke that Town have been fielding under-strength teams all season, but I did that one last April.

Troubled GTFC sponsor Jarvis – whose relationship with the club is not expected to outlast the latter's second division status – is back in the headlines. Before you go jumping to conclusions about fatal rail crashes or government contracts won after donations to the Labour Party, though, the ailing engineering group has woken up to find its share price tumbling by around 20 per cent after issuing its second profit warning within the space of 12 weeks. In an uncanny echo of the financial situation at Blundell Park, an expected £5m profit in the firm's 'accommodation services' division has become a £5m loss. Jarvis shares are now worth half their value of a year ago, and finance director Robert Kendall has resigned in the wake of the company's latest wobble. "The loss for the division has primarily been caused by overruns on construction costs for a number of refurbishment contracts," says chief executive Kevin Hyde, "and that bloody idiot who got us into this football sponsorship thing wants a good kick in the knackers."

Scunny have only been and gone and done it! Just when you thought it was safe to quite like them again in a condescending sort of way, Brian Laws is back in charge at Glanford Park, three weeks after being sacked, after a GTFC-style game of boardroom musical chairs restored former head prefect Steve Wharton to the top job. "Mr Wharton pledged himself to work hard to try and reverse the recent poor results of the football team," reads a statement on the club's official site, adding with no apparent irony: "To that end he will be asking Brian Laws to return as manager." Peter Furneaux, meanwhile, has called a press conference for 10am tomorrow, at which he is expected to wear a blond wig, false moustache and dark glasses and announce the reappointment of Graham Rodger as Mariners boss while speaking with a lisp.

Wednesday 14 April
If supporting the Mariners seems like all tunnel and no light, then you may care to consider for a moment the exploits of Joe Lightowler. After marking his promotion to the reserves for last week's meeting with Lincoln with a tremendous long-range goal, the talented teenager returned to the youth team last Saturday but continued where he'd left off in midweek – with two more spectacular strikes in his side's 2-2 draw with their counterparts from Bradford. With Town's relegation to Division Three likely to be sealed with at least a game to spare, speculation is bound to arise that one of the meaningless and entirely depressing run-outs against Tranmere or Brentford could be used to give Lightowler a taste of some hot first-team action. The club's official website, for its part, is so excited that it devotes 54 words to the player's most recent goalscoring adventures, and only three days after they occurred.

Back to bleak reality, then, and the Blundell Park treatment room, where the Mariners' sole flickering hope of second division salvation – also known as Isaiah Rankin – languishes with the thigh strain that reduced his role at Loftus Road last Saturday to that of a great despairing prophet gazing in silence and torment upon the follies of his kinsmen as he hopes to resume light training within a day or two with a vision of leading his people to victory over Rushden & Diamonds. Darren Barnard and Craig Armstrong could miss out against the funny rural folk this weekend, while Jonny Rowan could come back, but none of it's very certain yet, so I wouldn't go putting your mortgage on a 7-6 win for Town with the soon-to-be-released Tetney-born forward as the first goalscorer.

The Grimsby Telegraph may be investing £2m in a state-of-the-art Ferag Rollstream JetFeeder inserting machine – which offers hi-tech stacking, strapping and bundling, with low repair and maintenance requirements – but it is as vulnerable to GTFC news dearth as the lowest-budget of parish newsletters, and today resorts to Glanford Park strife to fill those column inches. I don't think anyone really still talks about column inches in the newsrooms, but it's what you understand. The exclamation mark-addicted local rag reacts to the departure of Scunny chairman Chris Holland with the news that Brian Laws' successor in the managerial hotseat could be, er, Brian Laws. Such an appointment would be considerably less popular among Iron supporters than with their Grimbarian counterparts, whose recent nightmares of third division football have been worsened considerably by the prospect of the Mariners getting whupped next season by a Scunthorpe side deftly managed by a Buckley–Groves dream team.

Tuesday 13 April
Well, that's just about the end now, isn't it. After the finest teams Nicky Law could muster made it a bank holiday double-header of no goals scored and five conceded, and of course no points, the Cod Almighty editorial team is already planning this summer's Rough Guide to Division Three, and there is not a Town fan in the world who believes their side will be spending next season anywhere other than the basement. The only issue seemingly open to debate is whether the drop to the bottom division will turn out to be one of those unpleasant but necessary detox-clinic visits that the Mariners have to make every decade or so – or whether the club's two and a half decades of punching above its weight are over, and GTFC will now be condemned for the next generation to the joyless third division mire and murk that the town of Grimsby, with its obdurate lack of interest in professional football, surely deserves.

In such circumstances as these, fans of most teams might expect to find their club's official website a last bastion of crazed optimism. Town, however, are not most teams; and true to form, Town's official website – which is far from typical in so many ways – can seemingly only echo the supporters' despair. Its report on yesterday's conveyor-belt home defeat by a moderate team with nothing to play for begins with a badly misjudged attempt at levity in the headline Blackpool Illuminate Way To Division 3 and then lurches into brutal realism: "If there was any doubt that Town are heading for Division 3, this game ended that." Before very much longer, with even the OS failing to offer comforting, bland reassurance, Grimsby fans will find themselves with no choice but to eat rice pudding and watch hour-long Sunday night drama series on ITV1.

Keith Alexander's Lincoln look increasingly like leapfrogging the Mariners into Division Two after their four-point Easter haul strengthened their hand in the third division promotion race. Doncaster made certain of their elevation to the second over the weekend and Hull look, at last, like following them, despite their continuing best efforts to dob it all up; while Scunny threw away the lead given by another Paul Groves goal yesterday to lose at Cheltenham, and remain in real danger of starting next season in the Conference. So just when you were thinking one redeeming feature of life in the bottom division could be a genuine league derby match for the first time in about 15 years, Town could be denied even that parochial pleasure.

As much as football has been completely fucked up by men in suits, we still have music to make our lives worthwhile, and the Diary is intrigued to note a subtle change to the scheduled entertainment for Town's forthcoming player of the year awards ceremony. When the club's official website last week announced the arrangements for the evening, it stated that live music would be performed – as was the case at the corresponding 2003 event – by "the superb Y'Abba D'Abba". This week, however, it appears that the tunes will instead be played by "the superb GrooveNation". One's immediate suspicion is that they just copied the page from last year's ceremony and changed the date but forgot to change the band name; though the possibility cannot be discounted that GrooveNation's services were considerably less expensive to secure than Y'Abba D'Abba's. Why, after all, should booking a band be any different from appointing a team manager?

Saturday 10 April
I don't know who Dean Smith is and before today, quite frankly, I didn't much care, but his last-gasp equaliser for Sheffield Wednesday this afternoon – which denied Town's fellow strugglers Brentford all three points at Hillsborough – has kept the Mariners' heads above water for another two days at least. As for Nicky Law's team, a Paul Furlong goal, which should have been disallowed for fouls on both Phil Jevons and Alan Fettis, gives QPR an undeserved half-time advantage, but in the second half Town's lack of firepower is matched only by their dearth of willpower and the Shepherd's Bush side trebles its lead with no reply. Stockport clamber several places with a 3-0 win at Chesterfield but the Mariners hang on to Division Two's final safety position by a single point after Smith's act of mercy.

Big thanks, meanwhile, to Cod Almighty's Andy Holt and his wife Joanne for providing both the PC for tonight's Diary and sumptuous London accommodation for Mrs Diary and me this weekend. You guys like totally rule. Birthday messages for Mrs D can be sent to the usual email address.

Friday 9 April
Welcome to the worst day of the year. At least your Guest Diarist remembers it thus from his wild youth in Caistor. A day when you're off work but there's no football, and the pubs open Sunday hours on a Friday. Oh, and the off-licence is closed. Just 12–2 and then 7–10:30 were Sunday hours, for the benefit of younger readers. Nowadays I spend a lot more time thinking about strong drink than actually getting kaylied. Apologies for the probable spelling error but it's a word I've never seen written down, and Google just fills my screen with tales of young females whose mothers have hijacked this lovely word as a bloody christian name. It is, of course, also the nickname for fizzy sherbet, as someone called Jerry Woolner mentioned in the Postbag the other day. Your mate's right Jerry, but I don't know the background on why. Just believe, and keep words like this alive, matey.

I'm feeling belatedly miffed that I elected not to get down to the Smoke for the QPR game tomorrow. Last time I went we had a right laugh at the buffoon in the Mexican hat serenading us from the upper tier of the home stand. Never did "you're going back to your bedsit" ring truer. My excuse is the feeble "never go far from home on a bank holiday". So I'll be 'watching' the match courtesy of the reliably curious text commentary provided by the BBC web page dedicated to Grimsby Town. It will no doubt be full of incidents worthy of note like "defending throw-in taken by Jason Crowe". Worse than being stuck on the A1 actually, but no more than I deserve for being such a lightweight, I hear you mutter.

The Town enthusiasts who pen the stuff on the official site have exclaimed that they have the "real team news!" this morning. Apparently Isiaahahah Rankin's ankle is still dodgy, and Mr Law is undecided whether to play him in just one of the Easter games or both and "risk burn out". I'll refrain from further comment, save to selfishly say if he plays in just one then let it be Monday when I'm at Blundell Park to watch him. Both the English and the French Mansarams are out tomorrow with suspension and sore neck respectively. Barnard is also suspended, but Armstrong is back (to fill the left-back slot, I expect and hope). Apparently Mr Law is hinting that it would be unwise to break up a winning team, so Warhurst is likely to be kept out by 'player of the season in waiting', Mike Edwards. Hoo-bloody-ray, but I'll only believe it when I see it.

Si Wilson has overcome some NTL-related connection problems to bring you this week's Refwatch, and here it is:

Saturday's game at Loftus Road will be officiated by Suffolk's Mike Thorpe, his 31st game of the season. So far Mr Thorpe has dished out 88 yellow cards and six reds: just under three bookings per game. Five of Mr Thorpe's games this season have seen over six cards shown in each of them.

Now in his second year as a Nationwide League ref, Mr Thorpe has taken charge of only one previous Town game - midway during last season for a 3-3 draw at Wimbledon. Cod Almighty's esteemed reporter Mr Tony Butcher was moved to award Mr Thorpe a score of 0 for his (non-)performance that day. Let's hope Mikey doesn't follow suit from that game and blow for full time at Loftus Road with Town looking like they are about to nick three points with a dangerous attack in the opposition's six-yard box...

QPR are a good team, but one we have beaten this season in one of the few decent performances from Town. They also have been dropping points lately. If they'd give us one tomorrow I'd be ecstatic. We, erm, haven't won away lately but the illogical fan in me says the last time we did was in west London, and the boring-but-true stats say there are loads of previous draws between the two clubs. So there we are then: 1-1 would do very nicely, don't you reckon? Gareth Ainsworth, QPR's wide right man thinks differently, though, as he looks forward to continuing his comeback from an eight-week lay-off. He says on the QPR official site: "It's brilliant to be back. It's been a long wait, eight weeks, but now I'm back – smashing in to full-backs and chasing a few balls. It's a great feeling." Yeah, well, after that some obaceration is called for. Let's just hope someone does it for him. Up the bleedin' Mariners. See yer.

Thursday 8 April
Young prodigy Joe Lightowler may have provided a tasty glimpse into the future in yesterday's reserves fixture against Lincoln. The 17-year-old striker, who GTFC and the Grimsby Telegraph never tire of reminding us declined some kind of approaches from Manchester United and Aston Villa to play for Town, was promoted from the youth team to the second string for Wednesday's game and responded with a tremendous long-range strike that gave his side a half-time advantage. Goalkeeper Brett Chittock, playing his third game on trial for the Mariners' reserves, was beaten 10 minutes from time to make the final score one-all, but Lightowler's goal is already thought by the critics to put his celebrated 1992 victory over Garry Kasparov and the series of piano concertos he composed a year earlier very much in the shade.

The slightly less youthful Aidan Davison, meanwhile, has pulled on his best slippers and Stannah stairlifted his way to an interview with Town's official website, in which he recalls February's win over Luton, when he sustained the young cow injury that keeps him on the sidelines to this very day. Aido believes that had the Luton management realised the extent of his difficulties and the Mariners defence been less resolute (er...) then the Hatters would have been scoring for fun: "It might have been telephone numbers," he reckons. "So, what, like 8,622,633 goals?" responds Miles Moss in an email to the Diary. "Even my phone number when I lived in Ludford was a quaintly rural 376, but come on, they didn't have time in just the second half to score three hundred and seventy six goals. The man's talking out of his arse."

And that's about it for another week with the Diary, unless you're interested enough in obscure former GTFC reserves to care that Halifax forward Jake Sagare is off back home to play for Portland Timbers over the summer. No, thought not. I never even knew how to pronounce his surname. Tomorrow your daily news summary needs will be lovingly tended to by the soft hands of Guest Diary; after that, I might see some of you at QPR on Saturday, and then it's Mrs Diary's birthday, so heaven only knows what will happen. T'ra for now.

Wednesday 7 April
Now is a slightly odd time to be reporting football news, because the transfer deadline has passed and yet there's another month or so before the cup competitions, play-offs and promotion and relegation issues reach orgasm. Click your way through the websites or have a rummage through Ceefax, and beyond the ersatz glamour of that chaaaaaaaaaaamp–yons thing there is a hollow lull-before-the-storm feeling, like when you're ready for the pub on Christmas Eve afternoon but all your mates are still at work. The Grimsby Telegraph is so desperate that its main story in today's sports pages goes into unnecessary detail about a knee injury sustained by Huddersfield striker Iffy Onuora, who it wrongly asserts to have "spent five months on loan" with the Mariners this season.

Correspondents on the latest CA letters page are even beginning to detect this motorcycle emptiness on the pages of Cod Almighty, this moment of silence before the guillotine blade descends. Today, accordingly, the Diary can report only that Town reserves are "in action" this afternoon, kicking off at 2pm at Blundell Park, where the visitors are their counterpart stiffs from Lincoln City; the club is flogging another load of plates; and there's another 'free kids' offer on the Easter bank holiday next Monday, when Blackpool are the visitors to BP. "Tickets must be obtained from the ticket office, before kick off," advises the GTFC website helpfully, adding that one callow youth of 15 years or fewer will be admitted to the match at no charge provided that "they are accompanied by at least one full paying Adult." So if you're a young person hoping to get in free just by waving a severed limb or head at the turnstile man, forget it.

You know what? I'm off for a sandwich.

Tuesday 6 April
Possibly wishing to cash in on today's news of a possible Abba reunion, GTFC announce details of the 2004 player of the year awards. This season's jolly takes place on Tuesday 11 May at its usual venue, Cleethorpes Winter Gardens, with its usual musical entertainment, the fabulous Y'Abba D'Abba (it is actually the law that cheesy cover acts must have their name preceded by "the fabulous"), and tickets are now on sale from the club shop for just two of your English pounds. Over 30 awards will be presented on the night, announces Town's official website, which might seem to some to devalue the whole exercise somewhat, and because text messaging now appears to be the only way to vote (cost: 50p plus your usual charge), the Diary will be sitting this one out. For the record, I would concur with Guest Diary's verdict of Mike Edwards, but by the time the awards are announced it will be much too late for Nicky Law to realise that Edwards is by some way the best defender at the club.

Apologies are due to the bloody-minded among you, who would have been disappointed by the Diary's omitting to mention Alan Pouton's weekend penalty miss. The former Town midfielder, who left the sinking ship for another sinking ship way back in January, was entrusted with a last-minute spot-kick last Saturday, which could have brought Gillingham back on level terms with Lennie Lawrence's Cardiff, but followed up his recent own goal for the Gills by drilling the pen well wide and condemning his side to a fourth defeat in five games. Andy Todd scored an own goal on Sunday as well, but we still like him.

A big "sorry!", too, to any Diary readers who have recently ordered a Cod Almighty T-shirt and are beginning to wonder whether it will arrive this side of Town's new stadium. Since the shirts featured on the telly and radio and in local and national press the other week, the CA team have been snowed under with orders and have had to send for more stock. Responsibility for despatching the goods has passed from Si Wilson – who, to be honest, has his hands more than full writing his match previews in between feeding his daughter and cat – to CA's foul-mouthed betting writer extraordinaire Mat Hare, who says: "I'd like to reassure everyone who has ordered a t-shirt that they will be sent out soon. I have 27 orders awaiting my attention and will be dealing with them ASAP." In the meantime you'll just all have to go bare-chested.

As the rain and hail continue to ping down the Diary's chimney, let us turn for enlightenment to some of your emails. "As you reported in today's Diary," writes Michael Shelton (well, he wrote it yesterday actually, so it's yesterday's Diary), "Tony Crane said the referee's reasoning for booking him was that he went off the pitch, but I've just watched the highlights on Mariners World and at no point did he cross the touchline, he stayed on the pitch throughout." I guess it was just a reflex, then. "Having said that, Whatshisname Thingy-Thingy's sending off looked a bit harsh on second viewing as well," concludes Michael. Hush, child – no more o' that!

"I have to confess that the use of the word 'continuating' was a feeble attempt at a joke," writes Guest Diary, in response to Paul Wright's pedantry. "Suffering from an overdose of presidential press conferences, words like this have slipped into my everyday, laconic but ironic, vocabulary. Sorry everyone, but please don't misunderestimate my real grammatical capabilities. They try to be like my uncle, Les Dawson, on the piano. Les knew his neighbour loved his piano playing because he broke his windows (in order to be able to hear the piano playing better)." Come to think of it, Guest, old Les would probably have made a far superior world leader to Dangerous Dubya as well.

Monday 5 April
Nicky Law's first win as Town manager does not spell the end of his campaign to lower Grimsby fans' expectations of half-decent football, as the Bouncer has been quick to tell the club's official website: "The result was important, not the performance." Given that the Mariners were observed to pass the ball about a bit for the first time since Law took charge during Saturday's 2-0 win over Sheffield Wednesday, this may strike some observers as a little odd, but the manager continues his Blue Meanie mission to crush the flowers regardless, adding further post-match comments to the effect that "it did not have to be pretty" and "it was ugly but I'd settle for a few more of those this season." If it keeps us up then we will as well, but only this season; be ye ever mindful, Nicky, that we Grimbarians have come to expect more from our footballers than a long kick and a big jump.

You don't get owt for nowt, unless you're Mrs Diary, who won a tenner down the pub yesterday playing chase the ace; but you're not, and neither are Town, and Saturday's three points were purchased with the blood of both the French and English Darren Mansarams. The Doncaster-born version was subbed off in the first half after suffering a groin strain and replaced by his Gallic counterpart, who in turn lasted only until the 67th minute before a neck injury curtailed his exertions for the afternoon. Mazza is suspended for the next two games anyway, though, and Mickael "more clubs than Peter Stringfellow" Antoine-Curier is expected to recover in time for this weekend's visit to QPR. Allez!

Saturday's hero Tony Crane is anxious that the yellow card he received for his exuberant goal celebration may tarnish his otherwise unblemished disciplinary record. After his first-half header put the Mariners 2-0 up against his former club, the Lineker-like angel of fair play picked up a rare booking for letting his excitement get the better of him, and is considering a barefoot pilgrimage to seven of the world's holiest shrines by way of penance, such is his shame. "I thought it was harsh," a deeply humbled St Tony tells Town's official website. "I asked the referee after the game why he had booked me and he said it was because I'd gone off the pitch. I've seen players do it all the time, I've seen players do it to our fans down here – they never seem to get booked." Fans are believed to be already preparing their auction bids for Crane's Original Mariners Legend Hairshirt.

"Is 'continuating' a word?" ponders Paul Wright in today's reader email, presumably in response to Friday's neologistic Guest Diary. To which the answer is: "probably not, Paul," or at least no less so than 'trabunding' or 'bumblage', two of Tony Butcher's latest coinages. In other words, Cod Almighty lies at the very cutting edge of lexical innovation in the world of independent football internet fanzines, and long may it continuate.

Saturday 3 April
A sixth-minute strike from Darren Mansaram followed by a close-range Tony Crane header just after the half-hour give the Mariners a heart-warming win over Sheffield Wednesday before a non-capacity Blundell Park crowd of 6,639. The points are all but sealed on the stroke of half-time when the wondrously named Owls forward Guylain Ndumbu-Nsungu is dismissed for a violent foul on Phil Jevons (restored, significantly, to the left of midfield, whence he put Flash through for the opener). Nicky Law's first win as GTFC manager coincides with the side's first clean sheet in 15 games, stretching back to the goalless draw with Plymouth on 10 January. With typical Town ill fortune, however, they are one of six sides in the bottom eight to record victories this afternoon, and so the points gained take them above only the other two, Brentford and Colchester, who drew 1-1 at Griffin Park. Looking slightly higher up the league table, the Diary notes Rushden's poor run of form since the departure of manager Brian Talbot in March and the exodus of several players on transfer deadline day, and anticipates that the Northamptonshire minnows' visit to BP in two weeks' time could turn out to be a decisive six-pointer.

Finally this week, after some recent cynical comments about Jamie Lawrence's appointment as Town captain, the Diary feels compelled to acknowledge the revelation on the club's official website that he "turned down a chance to play for Jamaica midweek, instead opting to stay and train with the Mariners in the fight against relegation." Good on you, sir!

Friday 2 April
Grimsby Town, the club that has signed more players than Chelsea this season, preoccupies your Guest Diarist's thoughts this morning. Mr Law's continuating feeble impersonation of the Chelsea 'tinker man' is particularly depressing. With over a tonne of pretty rancid centre-half, about seventeen legs of midfield (counting Lawrence as seven of those), and a pair of daft daddy long-leg strikers available, it must be difficult for Law to know where to start. Simon Wilson will bring you another one of his fine match previews later, but personally, I would pick the subs first, as Town are bound to suffer a dismissal before half time in an important relegation derby such as this one against Sheffield Wednesday. Much better to plan the resulting defensive reshuffle ahead of time; don't you agree?

Given that the 'resurgent' Owls have reportedly started to play some decent football down the right-hand side, and Town's paucity of choice in the left-back position (as I predicted in last Friday's diary), the Town fans need to practice their rendition of 'Always Look on the Bright Side of Life' at the earliest opportunity. Following that maxim though, for the briefest of moments, it will be nice to see the home return of Rankin, whom your diarist rates as the most decent front man to play for Town this season. History is against him scoring, of course, as these games are almost invariably described afterwards as 0-0 stalemates. Somehow, I think the estimated 6–7,000 crowd will be seeing goals tomorrow, though. Don't you reckon?

Hurray! My inbox reveals the return of the Refwatch report – the first one in oooh, ages. It's quite long, so if your attention threshold is short the précis is: "The one who sent Pouton off against the Blades last season." Here's the full thing:

This weekend's derby (if you can call the game a derby when the opponents will travel about 71 miles to get to Blundell Park) will be officiated by Mr Paul Dowd, one of Stoke-in-Trent's two referees. So far this season the Premiership-listed ref has dished out 93 yellows and 4 reds in 24 games. To break that down a bit more, that's 3.875 bookings per game. That figure is higher for Mr Dowd's six Football League games with nearly a third of his bookings dished out in those games. Tony Crane will have to be more careful than usual.

Coincidentally, the last time Mr Dowd was in charge of a game involving the Mariners it was against today's opponents. The game? The 0-0 snore-a-thon at Hillsborough last April that more or less consigned both teams to second division footie. Dowd also took charge of last season's home game against Sheffield's other (and proper) team, with Alan Pouton getting his marching orders for a debatable challenge on Rob Kuzluk in the 4-1 reverse. During the five years Town have been under this official's watchful eye they haven't won a game, losing six times and drawing three matches. Draw your own conclusions from that.

My breath is also well and truly bated as I await the outcome of my application to join the Grimsby Town Supporters Trust, thus honouring my pledge to make amends for being allegedly rude about that GTST bloke's waistline when he was on the telly. I urge you all to support the GTST Race Night in the Imp following tomorrow's game, which aims to raise even more cash for the Mariners. As for the Trust membership itself, it costs £15 a year for a fully grown man like me. A portion of that goes to buy shares in the club. I'm not sure if that's a fiver, or a tenner; confusingly, both figures are mentioned during the application process. I hope it's the latter as Town need every penny they can get.

Segueing neatly in to my next topic, Town director and Market Rasen-based racehorse trainer Michael Chapman has penned a natty guide to the Grand National for the official site. It's not half as good as our one though. And completing my mad, racing/betting-themed medley, the Mariners betting site shows the remarkably juicy odds of 13/8 against the Owls beating Town. Town are ludicrously short at 11/8, with 12/5 the draw. Dip your bread in, betting readers, and make a total day of it, why don't you? The club is enticing fans through the turnstiles 'early doors' with the promise of free pie and peas and the chance to have a gleg at the first of the FA Cup semi-finals. Be there before 12:30, and 'there' is the teutonically named Bier Kellar in the Lower Smiths.

Avid Look North viewers like myself can hardly wait for tonight's edition, which is rumoured to be featuring the very large and very expensive flag that is the latest wheeze to cover the empty seats in Blundell Park. Just so worth staying in for. And don't use that "I don't live in the right region" excuse – just twiddle that digital thingy, and everyone can get it. Apparently Sky viewers worldwide have rated Peter Levy et al as the best new cult comedy programme of the year. They use words like 'zany' and 'bonkers!' Their exclamation mark, not mine. See yer...

Thursday 1 April
Both halves of Town's international duo saw wins in yesterday's friendlies – from the bench. In the afternoon the Mariners' on-loan keeper Alan Fettis made the subs' bench but not the pitch in Estonia as Northern Ireland notched up a first win in 16 games, by one goal to nil, in front of a crowd of Blundell Park-like sparsity. Darren Barnard, likewise, was an unused substitute as his squadmates recorded a respectable 2-1 victory in Hungary last night, and may never add to his 20-odd Welsh caps after losing his place to Leicester defender Ben Thatcher, who recently became eligible to play for the principality despite being neither Welsh nor any good. One of Fettis' goalkeeping predecessors at GTFC, Danny Coyne, made a rare appearance for Wales in the match, though, as a second-half substitute for Paul Jones. Finally, former Town loanee Richard Hughes made it a bench-warming hat-trick by not getting a run-out in Scotland's 2-1 home defeat to Romania. OK, I'm scraping the barrel now.

Perchance the Diary speaks too soon in characterising Blundell Park as a desolate mausoleum of despair, as this weekend's opponents Sheffield Wednesday brashly proclaim to the world that they have shifted a veritable shedload of tickets, and the Telegraph is rife with crazy talk of a sell-out crowd. What they really mean, though – given that the capacity at BP is 10,033, if you count the beanbags and deckchairs, and that 5,000 counts as a big crowd this season – is simply that the South Yorkists will most likely clear their allocation of 2,400. Should Saturday's gate actually top 7k, this jaded and depressed daily news summariser will be most mightily and happily surprised.

The sigh of relief from Blackpool and Queen's Park Rangers defenders is almost audible from Lincolnshire as Town announce that Darren Mansaram has been banned for two games following his sending-off against Chesterfield last weekend and will miss the Easter encounters with said second division rivals. You learn something new every day, and today the Diary has learned that there is such a thing as a two-match ban. Well well. See you Saturday.

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