Cod Almighty - Diary - December 2004

Waterfall my arse

Diary - December 2004

Friday 31 December
It's 11:54 on New Year's Eve and, so far, Grimsby Town news this morning seems to be as rare as a first-time Sestanovich pass. Your Guest Diarist has suffered a frustrating morning attempting to sign up to a no-limits broadband service. Apparently, although BT has been kind enough to finally upgrade my telephone exchange (which is our second closest neighbour across the road), the likes of Tesco don't support 'that kind' of broadband. So I'll just have to be socially mobile enough to gravitate upwards to Waitrose as my provider. Much more goujons et rosti than fish fingers and chips, and three quid a month dearer. But wait, it's now noon and Town's official site has, just this minute, published team news for the big game at Rochdale tomorrow.

We are told that the virus affecting Terrell Forbes has dissipated sufficiently to allow him to train today, so one would assume that he will be back to replace the injured Justin Whittle. Although the Evening Telegraph is not so sure, telling us that Slade is sweating over the readiness to play of his precious defender. Whittle's ankle ligaments will take some time to heal, we are told.

Meantime, the ever garrulous Mr Rodger has been sharing extracts from his opposition scouting dossier with interweb-enabled Town fans thus: "They've got a lad called Bertos � he's a threat. He can cause you problems if you don't look after him." He has obviously re-read Miles Moss' excellent rough guide to the Spotlanders, which identified Kiwi boy Bertos as a right-wing-based threat alongside 18-goal striker Grant Holt. Always one to have a laugh, Rodger reminds us of the set-piece menace provided by one Tony Gallimore: "He's got a good delivery and is decent from free kicks." The Town player occupying second from left in the wall will be duly issued with a cricket box. If Galli even gets picked, that is � he's been on the bench lately, I see.

Bloody good atmosphere at Sincil Bank the other night, and a further example to strengthen my theory that the best games are often nil-nillers. This wasn't a great game for the purists, but one that was both exciting and intriguing on several levels. It was easy to detect the creeping exasperation in Slade's reactions to the fans' call for Pinault and Reddy during his post-match interview on Humberside. He described Reddy as "a runner", implying that he is only effective when the game opens up in the dying minutes. And his appreciation of the away turnout and vocal support was muted.

Pinault, on the other hand, was reluctant to leave the pitch at the end, preferring to milk the deserved adulation from the away fans. I have to say that his first-time half-volleyed reverse pass down the line was pretty damn fine. I pay to watch skills like that, not to watch the manager pick sides to grind out draws against technically inferior opponents. Slade was right to resist calls earlier in the season for the lad Hockless. But Pinault is a man, and should be strutting the field as the Town playmaker. As for the truculent Sestanovich, I really couldn't give a toss whether he plays or not. Play Pinault and Reddy, and stick Parky on the wing for a change, I reckon. Rochdale are an in-form side, so let's play passing football Mr Slade, and either get revenge, or go down in a blaze of glory. See yer.

Thursday 30 December
Now, who were the two players highlighted in yesterday's Diary as having the potential to give Town the edge in last night's game at Lincoln? Well, they were the two players Russell Slade left on the bench again and then, when they belatedly saw a bit of action, combined in the last minute to force the ball into a net for the first time all night. Unfortunately for the Mariners' increasingly distant hopes of making this season's play-offs, Michael Reddy's goal � from a Thomas Pinault set piece � was contentiously disallowed for handball, and the dominance Town had assumed since the substitutions were made was wasted on another goalless draw. Still, as long as you pick a team to win, eh. I don't know where this leaves GTFC in the table because I haven't been bothered to look since before Boxing Day.

Bad news: Terrell Forbes had the flu or something and couldn't play last night. Good news: Simon Ramsden came back to replace him, and did rather well too. Bad news: Justin Whittle damaged his ankle ligaments. Even worse news: Russ prefers Rob Jones to Greg Young.

The Mariners, as you know, have not found it easy in recent times to attract players, what with 98 per cent of all recorded murders in England and Wales taking place in the Grimsby area and the football club tumbling down the divisions like a habitual non-drinker after four gin and tonics on a work Christmas do attempting to negotiate Isaac's Hill in freezing weather. New signing Martin Gritton, however, appears to have hit on Town's unique selling point! In an interview with south-western newspaper the Herald Express, the player says he is selling his flat in Torquay. "For what I get for that down there," estimates Mart, "you can get a decent house up here!" The Diary trusts that Mr Slade will already be explaining to the fringe players of Fulham and Chelsea that they can buy most of North East Lincolnshire with the equity on their broom cupboards and still have change to employ the Earl of Yarborough as a shoe polisher.

Since the Diary went interactive in February 2003, and set up an email address by which readers could share GTFC news, constructive feedback and random abuse, you and I have discussed many things: the worst Town kits in history, our favourite lines from the Roly and John videos, conspiracy theories about mysterious disappearing trialists, and much more. In these last 22 months, though, no subject has generated as much correspondence as the Radio Times Christmas crossword has in the last 24 hours, and so I would like to give public thanks firstly to Dave the Engineer for suggesting that there is a kind of porcelain called nemesis, and then to Richard Bedwell, Pat Bell (won't see you at Rochdale, Pat, as I plan to be too hung over to travel), Keith Collins, Liz Collins, Sue Firth, Ed Fleet, Jon Fleming, Emma Gillingham, Andy Holt, Chris Howes, Rich Mills, Tim Mosey's other half ("Town & Werder Bremen fan stranded in football-free north Germany"), Miles Moss, Mike Robbo, Phil Shorter, Mike Worden and Simon Wilson for proving Diary readers' healthy sense of priorities. I couldn't have done it all by meissen.

Wednesday 29 December
Dean Gordon has attempted, and failed, to make his walk-out on the Mariners appear slightly less contemptible by giving a carefully measured interview to the Grimsby Telegraph which makes all the necessary "ooh, thanks Russell, ooh, I'll miss the fans" noises but collapses spectacularly on the player's assertion that "I heard from a friend that there was speculation on the radio that I may be released anyway and that made my mind up." The Diary is unable to decide which possible interpretation is the more laughable: that Gordon expects anyone to believe that he based a major career decision on a third-hand fragment of hearsay, or that he is telling the truth and actually did base a major career decision on a third-hand fragment of hearsay.

Without an apparently decent left-back in the squad, then, Ronnie Bull is set to continue his first-team duties for tonight's visit to Lincoln. He That Is Macca has been suffering with a virus � not that you'd have known it from his perfectly healthy performance on Boxing Day � but should be OK to face the Imps, apparently, while speculation is abroad that the instant clickage that occurred when Monday's substitute Michael Reddy joined Martin Gritton in Town's frontline will prompt Mr Russell Slade to field the two forwards from the start of this evening's match. Oh, and Russ, on the off-chance that you read the Diary, a final word of advice: it begins with 'P' and rhymes with 'inault'.

Finally, the Diary is just three Radio Times Christmas crossword answers away from the chance to win a plasma screen TV that is bigger than Tony Crane's arse, and seeing as I've spent most of the year looking at badly phrased websites, teletext pages and newspapers in order to bring you this column � and even making the odd phone call to tiny non-League clubs in the north-west of England � I reckon it's only fair to ask you lot for a bit of help. So...

52 across: Porcelain made by Siemens (7): _E_S_E_
62 across: Set of teams reaching three miles (6): L_A_U_
8 down: Brown entrance to one clay oven for this cooking (8): _A_D_O_I

The first one is clearly an anagram of 'Siemens', and I'm sure I'll slap my forehead with my palm when I find out what 8 down is. If you can help then please email diary@codalmighty.com, and if I win then you can come round and watch the 6-1 win against Barnsley on DVD. Cheers.

Tuesday 28 December
Leave me alone, I'm watching the Royal Institution Christmas Lectures (which have been poached by Channel 4 as a fig leaf of intellectual respectability). This year a Brummie academic is telling a load of posh kids about how enormous life forms, such as the three-ton elephant seal, thrive in freezing conditions. Which may also go some way to explaining Russell Slade's shall we say interesting preference for Rob Jones over Dean Gordon in the Boxing Day stalemate against Macclesfield. While we're on the subject of Noddy's curious selection policy, Father Christmas was good enough to bring the Diary a DVD player but neglected to include the necessary leadage to make the bloody thing work. What has this to do with the two points dropped on Sunday? Well, reader, it's like signing a decent-looking new striker and then dropping your playmaker.

All of which is easy for me to say � indeed, in Lennie Lawrence's day the Diary was sometimes known to attain 80 furious words per minute � but I'm not "in the game", you see. Russ seems to be losing patience quickly with the likes of you and me wondering which planet some of his teamsheets are faxed over from, and has muttered testily to the Grimsby Telegraph: "Fans have a right to shout for their favourite players, but I pick a side to win a game." A perfect response, with just the one minor flaw.

You will probably have seen by now that Deano Gordo has seen his arse and done one in response to Sunday's idiosyncratic team selection � if that's his fucking attitude then Town are better off without him � and that Colin 'More Clubs Than Quid' Cramb is also likely to be on his way in the not-too-distant, to an unknown Scandinavian destination, where a longer-term contract and sanctuary from the creditors doubtless await. Graham 'Laboratoires Garnier' Hockless and Tony Crane, interestingly, could be the next two on their way out of BP, according to that renowned source of rumours, er, Town's official website � though Crane's departure will be contingent upon the Norwegian Gate being widened sufficiently to facilitate egress for his great big humungous arse.

GTFC may still be the best supported club in Lincolnshire but this is scant consolation to those who are spending the festive period gazing wistfully at the tables and wondering just how the team came to be looking up the fourth division at all three of its county neighbours. Which is me. The next chance Mr Slade's ragtag band of desperados has to restore the natural balance of the potato county comes tomorrow night, when their team coach totters hopefully down the A46 to Sincil Bank, and Lincoln officials are hoping the weather holds up. Town aren't allowed to have bank holiday derbies any more, but the Imps were due to play at Boston on Boxing Day until the climate intervened. Some feared a repeat tomorrow night; however, City's stadium manager Nigel Dennis has told the Lincolnshire Echo: "Temperatures are not expected to drop below three degrees, so that would be more than OK. There is no need for supporters to panic." Not until we see Rob Jones lining up in Town's defence again, anyway.

Friday 24 December
For those of you who rabidly tune into the diary, Unspecial Guest Diary will make this brief so we can all get off to enjoying the festivities, WHICH IS WHERE YOU SHOULD BE, YOU BLOODY FOOLS!

Yesterday's news that Town's white-hot hit-man Colin Cramb ain't looking like being pop-picked on Boxing Day is alleviated by the news that Town have found a replacement for their Pete Waterman. After differences over the transfer fee were resolved, Martin Gritton has signed on, for a fee straight outta 1977: "�5k plus another �5k if we go up this season or next," according to one source. Expect the players to be growing monster sideys, getting perms (there's a Colin Cramb gambling joke there) and supping jars in Meggies wearing bell bottoms and tight-fitting shirts. And not just for a night in Flares. Uncle John Fenty croons: "Hopefully he can score a few goals for us. If only I could get some black and white ribbon so I can finish wrapping him for wee Russ."

A Chrimbo cracker left over from the GTFC Xmas bash is yanked open and while there isn't a groan-inducing joke to be found, there are some wise words from Santa Slade. Frankly he says his team of players on short-term deals are underachieving and he reckons we're going to have to rely on promising youngsters from the area. While Russ's optimism that Town can still make the play-offs is as heart-warming as Scrooge realising that being a miserable tight bastard isn't the way to a life endeared with happiness, your diary writer for today doesn't agree. And the Chrimbo period is just going to consign this thought to a wasteful daydream. Bah humbug. Which if is the case then maybe Slade should do as my father-in-law suggested last weekend and look at giving some of the home-grown talent a chance instead of the "Jekyll and Hyde" wasters. And he doesn't even bloody support Town!

Can anyone tell us which market research revealed to the Champion of the Community that there are a few Crystal Palace fans in the North East Lincolnshire region and, oh yes, they shall be given team news?

On which trivial note, it is time for the Cod Almighty team to wish you all a groovy day tomorrow. You can leave us to go and scoff mince pies, do your last-minute present wrapping, and enjoy the warm embraces which only your close ones can provide. The misery and hangover will hit you at 4:50pm on Sunday. Merry Christmas!

What, you're still here? Go. Go on! Go!

Thursday 23 December
If Town want to sign Torquay's Martin Gritton then they will be paid fifty thousand quid for doing so. That, at least, is what the BBC Humber website manages to suggest by moronically headlining its story on the Mariners' latest transfer target Grimsby have �50000 payout, though a more plausible scenario appears to be that the transfer of the aforementioned cash would actually proceed in the opposite direction � despite the Devon club apparently having asked only 15 big ones from Blackpool for Gritton's services before the player's proposed move to Bloomfield Road broke down earlier this month. The Diary posits two theories: either the Torques have got wind of all this money sloshing around BP, or somebody somewhere should have just said down the phone: "No... fif-teen... one-five..."

Another theory that has recently been offered to explain a GTFC-related phenomenon is that the three-fingered salute thing Terrell Forbes did when he came out of Kingston Crown Court means "read between the lines" � the lines in question being his second and fourth fingers, which, when read between, reveal his middle digit. Intelligent as well as charming, I am sure you will agree. While we are reading between the lines, though, it looks like Town have made Colin Cramb train even though he was injured, and it's just knackered him up even more (see also: Ramsden, Simon). The extent of the Mariners' woes is signified by the fact that even their fitness coach John Gray is unfit, having fallen prey to a virus which is also making free with the cells of Sir John McDermott and Ashley 'I'm Fucking Brilliant, Me' Sestanovich.

Town and Lincoln are teaming up to raise money for a charitable foundation named after a local teenager who was stabbed to death at his North Somercotes school last year. The Luke Walmsley Sports Foundation, which will help provide sporting facilities in Lincolnshire, is set to benefit from funds collected by the two clubs at their matches on 29 December and 22 January from activities including a fans' penalty shoot-out. An item on the Imps' website provides more information.

Earlier this week the Diary wondered aloud what you readers wanted for Christmas, and Richard Lord has "informed Father Chrimbo that I'd really like a new baking tray," apparently. Tell us more, sir. "My Mum sent me off to university with one back in September, which was nice of her, and basically it's a non-stick baking tray but food keeps sticking to it. Anyway, scraping singed sausages off non-stick baking trays is an arduous task, and can only be carried out successfully if you take the black bits with it. It ultimately results in me eating my food whilst simultaneously picking out the black bits that have peeled off the baking tray which, I'm sure you can imagine, is very embarrassing in front of my flatmates." Indeed, Rich, though times have clearly changed since the last time the Diary ate student food, when the little black flakes of baking tray were the best bits.

"While I'm on the subject of embarrassments," adds Mr Lord, "my very cool flatmate Nadia once kissed Harry Haddock after she came last in a spelling competition. I swear Harry's facial expression has changed." Whether the latter is a direct consequence of the smooch with Nadia, Richard tantalisingly fails to explain; but on the other hand Harry would not be alone among Town fans if the recent slump of his facial expression is in direct proportion to the Mariners' position in the Football League.

"All I want for Christmas is for you to wake me up from this nightmare and tell me that I was really born in Barcelona and that I have a season ticket at The Camp Nou," writes Mark Wilson. Well, Mark, you might have more fun that way, but you just wouldn't feel so special, now, would you? "Oh, and if you have the time, that Kylie is waiting outside to give me an extra present," concludes MW, presumably meaning a half season ticket for the Lower Stones.

Merry Christmas to the lot on yers!

Wednesday 22 December
Cobblers! The game against Northampton has been rearranged for Tuesday 11 January.

Toddlers! The squad have been doing that annual festive visiting nippers in hospital thang, including a confirmed sighting of Glen Downey. He looks about two foot tall.

Hobblers! There doesn't seem to be any injury news!

Nobbers! "Logon to the Official Website on Christmas Day for the Chairman's Speech," urges the OS. Look, even JK Rowling realised people have other things to do that day. Like watching a James Bond film or half of Albert Square get totalled or stuffing yourself with mince pies or worrying about how Town will lose to Macclesfield or... anything. It'll be a million times better than being overworked.

Tuesday 21 December
The media of northern Lincolnshire have imposed a moratorium on the use of the word 'unnamed' after Grimsby Town FC team manager Russell Slade this morning sensationally revealed the identity of a footballer he wishes to sign. Sports writers from Cleethorpes to Caistor have pledged to refrain from referring to unnamed players who might be joining the Mariners on loan from unnamed clubs in unnamed divisions, pending discussions between Slade and unnamed managers, following the Town boss's shock decision to place his cards on the table regarding his latest transfer target. "We'll have to come up with a whole new page template," lamented a spokesman for the club's official website, as Slade chuckled: "Their thesauruses will need an improved work ethic!"

What's that? Oh. Yeah. Martin Gritton. Torquay. No, me neither.

GTFC directors emerged from yesterday's AGM/EGM combo with, for what must be the first time in decades, no resignations or people getting voted off the board or massive upheaval of any kind. The key points of interest for supporters are that supporters are a bunch of perverse buggers, as gate receipts this season � the Mariners' first in the bottom division for about 15 years � are 35 per cent above the figure budgeted for by the club, and that we could be only weeks away from an announcement about Fenty's Folly, aka Town's proposed new stadium. Word reaches the Diary that the announcement will reveal carefully guarded and startling new information about the date of the next announcement after that.

In far more important news, GTFC bosses could be set to halt the sale of small foam balls which attach to car radio aerials, reports the Grimsby Telegraph, after some were thrown onto the pitch during Friday night's lousy stinking 1-1 draw with Oxford. And there we were thinking the only aerial balls people objected to at Blundell Park were the ones Justin Whittle and Terrell Forbes hoof up towards Andy Parkinson.

I thank you.

On the subject of Friday night's lousy stinking 1-1 draw with Oxford, Cod Almighty's resident tipster Mat Hare has belatedly emailed with an attempt to calculate how much Guest Diary and I could have won with our correct joint prediction of the result and the Us' goalscorer. I can't possibly run Mat's email in its entirety, as Fenty's Folly would be built by the time we'd reach the end, but it begins: "I saw your plea last night for someone to work out the odds on the game being 1-1 with Mooney scoring. I was going to set about working out the odds for you when I remembered one crucial fact: I had no idea what the odds were on Mooney scoring or on the game ending 1-1." Continuing in similar vein for several gigabytes, it ends: "1-1 draws usually come in at about 6/1 with Mooney to be an anytime scorer at about 2/1, maybe 9/4 I reckon. You may have got 13/2 or thereabouts for Mooney to be last scorer so you'd have been looking for odds of about 20/1 for the 1-1 with Mooney scoring at anytime and 50/1 for 1-1 with Mooney bagging the last goal." I wish I hadn't asked now.

And that'll do for today, because the Diary has to nip to Sainsbury's and buy lots of food for Chrimbo. What are you lot asking Father Claus for? Email diary@codalmighty.com with your Xmas lists, and let's find out whether the red-coated, Football League-sponsoring, Ken Bates-imitating reindeer worrier reads the Diary.

Monday 20 December
As a loyal supporter not only of Grimsby Town Football Club but also of all the highly capable individuals involved in running the organisation, the Diary would like to begin today by asserting that the club's AGM taking place right now, at the same time as a Muppets film is on the telly, can only be seen as the cruellest of coincidences.

Well, none of you have worked out what odds Guest Diary and I could have got on a 1-1 draw against Oxford with Tommy Mooney scoring for the visitors, but I'll bet you any money that they'd have been longer than any available price on Finnish striker Ville Vaisanen returning to Scandinavia after his trial at Blundell Park ended without including a reserve match. If Vaisanen is true to the form of other strikers deemed inadequate by Mr Russell Slade then he will now become a leading candidate for European Footballer of the Year 2005, as Amadou Konte scored his second goal in four starts for rubbish Cambridge at the weekend and his fellow failed GTFC trialist Marvin Robinson made it three goals in just 92 minutes of football for Walsall. Hey ho.

The cranberry sauce of good news spooned by Town's official website over the bland turkey of striking failure is that Sort It's widely reported interest in the less than indispensable Peterborough forward Richard Logan "doesn't look like" it will be going any further. Instead the Mariners boss is now supposed to be "tracking a striker from an unnamed League 1 club", who is expected to turn down a permanent transfer to GTFC in favour of a loan to Bedford Town in time for the big Boxing Day derby against Hemel Hempstead.

In recent games he may have been blowing hot and cold like a dodgy Babyliss, but Colin Cramb's goal on Friday night was his third in 13 full and substitute appearances for the Mariners: nothing upon which to compose an epistle to one's place of origin but still a sight better strike rate than Messrs Reddy and Parkinson can boast. Sadly for Town's hopes of finishing higher than 17th in the fourth division, though, the skint striker was carried off injured not longer after his goal and, if it turns out to be ankle ligaments, could miss some forthcoming games which I am obliged, by a tradition practised by football journalists since time immemorial, to call "the crucial Christmas programme". I don't think they mean the Queen's Speech, anyway.

Speaking of which, if you're too stuffed with bland turkey and cynicism this Saturday to listen to Her Satanic Majesty reel off a sequence of anodyne reassurances, then why not hit Town's official website for an alternative Christmas message from the monarch of Blundell Park, HRH John Fenty? Well, he's nearly as rich as Liz, and he's less likely to try and persuade you that if you don't agree with government ID cards and install CCTV in your bathroom then your head will get blown up by foreign folk.

I think Greg Downey [sic.] has finally earned some corn," writes Dave the Engineer in an email to the Diary. "Pretty sure he was the Santa at the game on Friday giving away presents along with our defence." They'll have to send him out on loan along with Glen Young, eh, Dave?

Sunday 19 December
So Guest Diary predicted on Friday that Mooney would score for Oxford, and your regular Diary - that's me! - anticipated back on Wednesday that the result would be 1-1. Perhaps the betting experts among you could calculate what sort of return we might have had on a fiver for that.

Any old how, it looks like the game provided yet another example of Town failing to press home an early advantage (Tony B's match report having just reached the Cod Almighty editorial team), and Russ was in a mournful frame of mind afterwards, reflecting that his side's 16th place in the fourth division was quite possibly fair enough and dragging his players in for extra training on Saturday. So much for Kidderminster and Southend being the season's turning point, eh.

Well, your faithful Diary is starving hungry now, so it'll be something more hefty than soup this afternoon. Wishing you a pleasant and fulfilling rest of your Sunday, I retire to the kitchen. Oh, and Town are 17th after yesterday's games, I think.

Friday 17 December
Tommy Mooney hasn't scored away from home this season. Yet. Yes, gentle reader, your Guest Diarist has returned feeling queasy at the thought of Mr Mooney returning to haunt Town fans at Blundell Park tonight. But hope springs eternal, and the combination of a plainly daft new Argentinian management team, and an inhospitably cold and dank December night match, may yet conspire to preserve Town's half-decent home record. That is to say it is Oxford who have the Argies in charge; Town remain under the control of Russell Slade whom, the official site tells us, is almost spoilt for choice up front tonight with Manasaram, Sestanovich and Cramb all in contention to play. More on that topic in a minute.

Not that Mr Diaz is apparently daft per se. He won lots of titles during his tenure as manager at River Plate, and has brought half the population with him as backroom staff. Including someone to pick the team for him called Horacio Rodriguez. According to Ardiles Junior, Diaz is "the Alex Ferguson in that country", while Diaz has gone on record as saying that England is the only country he wanted to work in. The ever-sceptical Guest Diary gives him about six weeks before he legs it clutching his Knightsbridge shopping bags.

So Town, the club 'in desperate need of a striker', have Cramb, Parkinson, Reddy, Sestanovich, Mansaram and Soames from which to permutate a potent attacking force. Given that the club is completely and utterly skint, and that new players are rarely even half as good as you want them to be, we may as well put up with what we've got, don't you think? If they are not good enough, take decisions, and get rid of at least half of 'em. "Is Stan the man?" asks the official site, bringing back memories to your ageing Guest Diarist of Stan Webb, a decent British blues guitarist who shares the nickname. But that Stan wasn't quite the man either in my opinion.

One man who thinks he is the man is an enthusiastic-sounding Colin Cramb. In the Grimsby Telegraph today he gushes forth about feeling fit and ready to preserve Town's record in Friday night home matches. Meanwhile Rodger has been babbling to the same paper about how excited he gets when Town play at home in the dark � you know, twinkly lights, zippy pitches, smelly old jumpers and steamy breath.

Church notices for today include Santa Claus in the open corner 'twixt Pontoon and Smiths (I hope he doesn't sport jeans and trainers underneath, like most modern-day grotto grots), kids' free match tickets with a paying adult, and me buying a round in the Rutland beforehand to celebrate my return to gainful unemployment. See yer.

Thursday 16 December
In other striker news today, the Grimsby Telegraph rocks the football world with the news of Noddy's contingency plan for when Allsopp and Jon Walters say no to his face and those Scandinavians have returned to Humberside Airport after everyone has forgotten about them. Mr Slade has agreed a loan with fat southern vowel-mangler Barry Fry for Peterborough's Richard Logan but has yet to speak to the player himself about the move: a matter of the supremest indifference to Town fans who have seen Logan play for Posh and Boston and believe the player's usefulness to be on a par with that of the proverbial chocolate fireguard.

Hang on there, Mr Diary, you're saying, what do you mean 'other striker news'? And come to think of it, you're adding, haven't I read that entire paragraph somewhere before? Yes, reader � exactly a week ago, to be precise, on 9 December. Well remembered. But Town's worrying interest in the less than lavishly talented Logan is being reported elsewhere as an entirely new development, and if there's one thing the Diary has in common with Ashley Sestanovich it's that neither of us like to feel left out.

In the only real striker news today, then, young David Soames is telling Mariners World, now that he has returned to fitness, how he hopes to prove to Russell Slade that he can do more than run very quickly in straight lines across the width of the pitch. The Mariners are also hoping to sign Australian u20 international Adam Kwasnik and former Dunfermline hotshot Stewart Petrie, but because the Mariners in question are the Central Coast Mariners, newly arrived in the Australian A-League, I doubt very much that you will be overcome with a morbid fascination to know more.

The Diary is not just a daily news digest with a sceptical and occasionally witty twist, you know. This column also serves as a tourist information guide, broker of peace talks and personal messenger service, and it is in the latter capacity that I now bring you this tiresomely introduced paragraph. A Cod Almighty reader recently emailed us, after viewing the site's absolutely fascinating and in no way anally retentive T-shirt sales information page, to ask where the 'average location' of all our T-shirt buyers might be. We've lost the email, but CA stats supremo Andy 'The Anorak' Holt has asked the Diary to announce that "following bucket-loads of time-consuming analysis yesterday I can reveal that the global heartbeat of Cod Almighty fashionware/wear is about five miles north of Saffron Walden in Essex, just outside Little Walden." Thanks, Andy. You can get back to your Excel spreadsheet of cost/benefit analysis on your 2005 Christmas shopping list now.

And that is just about that from me for another week, but that doesn't mean there's no reason to point your adorable little browser in this direction once again at the same time tomorrow, because Friday's GTFC news, views and personal abuse will be brought to you, as ever, by one of Cod Almighty's squadron of workshy guest diarists. I won't see you at the match tomorrow, of course, so thanks for reading, and have yourselves all splendid weekends, however you plan to spend them. Byesie-bye.

Wednesday 15 December
We like to think we have free will; to believe we are fully able to make choices and control the future course of our lives. The Diary, for one, has elected to go out dancing this Friday night rather than watch the Mariners play Oxford: a decision informed by my passionate belief that Saturday afternoons are for football and Friday nights are for dancing. But when the pleasant vibration in the pocket of my best dancing trousers alerts me to a text message saying Town remain mired in the middle of the League's bottom division after only drawing 1-1, I will be overtaken by despair and slump to my knees, beating the floor in frustration � as a result of circumstances and events that are utterly beyond my control. The people around me might dig my funky moves and all join in with the new floor-beating craze, but that's neither here nor there.

And so it is that Russell Slade continues to believe he has the free will to deny Darren Mansaram a start in Town's first team, wholly unaware that the Fates have already ordained that Flash will line up against the Us. The latest cosmic signal that destiny has guaranteed Mansaram's place on Friday is that Gary Birch, a striker with third-flight Walsall, is about to brush aside interest from Sort It in order to join the League's bottom club Kidderminster. On his way home from work this evening, the Mariners boss will pass a photographic supplies shop with an offer on flash bulbs, a cinema offering a special 24th anniversary screening of Flash Gordon, a computer software retailer displaying a poster for the newest version of Macromedia Flash, and a man in an overcoat indecently exposing himself, and then phone the chairman of Scarborough to ask if he can loan a striker because Town don't have any.

Despite its precipitate downmarket plunge of recent years, The Times is a newspaper that prides itself on the quality of its sports coverage. Are we to take at face value its assertion, then, that Grimsby reserves will be facing Hull in the group stage of the Pontins Holidays League Cup this afternoon? Particularly when it's only 48 hours since the stiffs played Boston, and Town's own ever-reliable website does not list such a fixture? I think we should be told. Don't you?

Like an evil, ruthless conman posing as Santa Claus, Steve Croudson is a man who promised much but has delivered little, and the former GTFC goalkeeper is back in the job market after being released by Conference side Stevenage Borough. The 24-year-old stopper briefly looked likely to live up to his Chammy Manager counterpart by becoming a future England international after an awesome clean-sheet debut for Town against Wolves in May 1999, but made only two appearances for the Hertfordshire club since joining them in the summer, conceding five goals and receiving one yellow card. It'll be in the Grimsby Telegraph tomorrow.

Tuesday 14 December
Flash! Woh-oh! Saviour of the Universe! If Freddie Mercury were alive today and supporting Grimsby Town Football Club, though, he might well be altering that last bit to "Potential saviour of Russell Slade's ass!", as Darren 'Flash' Mansaram's hat-trick for the reserves yesterday afternoon could signal that the answer to the Mariners' goalscoring woes has been under Mr Slade's nose all along. Mansaram bagged his triple in a scary-sounding 6-4 win over Boston which also saw goals for Stacy Coldicott, Rob Jones and Graham 'The Hair' Hockless, together with a few for the Pilgrims' new striking sensation Mr Daryl Clare. Despite the exploits of Daz the Maz, however, Hockless is expected to retain the hero worship of sections of the Pontoon by virtue of the fact that "We want Mansaram on" would have one too many syllables.

Town's opponents this Friday night, Oxford, have taken great exception to the late notice they have received from Blundell Park about the 'two free kids' offer in operation at the game. "We have belatedly been told by Grimsby Town that Friday night's match is part of a special deal which allows kids to watch for free," reads an announcement on the official website of the Oxford-based club. "Apologies for the lateness in making this announcement," adds the site, glaring bitchily in a north-north-easterly bearing. If you ask this daily news summariser, Oxford ought to be thankful; Mrs Diary only had five minutes' notice that I was making her poached egg and beans on toast for breakfast, and she didn't seem to mind too much. Honestly, some people.

The Us aren't the only ones with Town's offer on their minds (I thought that was Cambridge's nickname, but hey, if they can share a elitist academic power base then I guess they can share a nickname), as our new friend Sibbo has been moved to compose a new email on the very same subject. "My daughter Nic thought the Oxford game was kid free. 'We'll be able to get a seat, Dad, if there are no kids!' Tell her to wise up, Diary." Wise up, Diary. Tell you what, though � if they put a ball pool at the bottom of the Pontoon then I might just be tempted along. Having a go in a ball pool, you see, is in the Diary's list of things to do before I die � somewhere in between being allowed into McMenemy's and a spot of energetic whoopie with Eliza Dushku.

Finally, today's final word goes finally to Miles 'The Finalist' Moss, who writes: "You entertain in today's Diary" � it was yesterday's Diary, because he wrote it yesterday � "the possibility of Finnish finisher Villi Vaselene's trial being conducted over the internet. You might have stumbled on something here. What better way to try out unknown players than to set up a session of Championship � sorry, Football Manager, as it is now, with your current squad, then introduce another virtual player and play out the rest of the season. If he's brilliant, you phone the real-life player and get him to come over and sign up. There is a flaw, of course � last time I was manager of Grimsby, I signed Michael Reddy, and he banged in 30 a season. And Alan Pouton was in the England squad."

Monday 13 December
Mindful of the urgent medical need for me to consume less silly juice, the Diary stayed at home last night, cracked open a four-pack of TV, and watched Bring It On, a film that is admirable not only for its unnecessarily numerous scenes of Kirsten Dunst and Eliza Dushku flouncing around in short skirts but also for its heartwarmingly un-American suggestion that finishing second, while not as good as finishing first, is still quite good really. Today the Diary wonders whether Russell Slade had this likeable tale of Californian cheerleading in mind when giving his initial reactions to Town's 2-1 defeat at Yeovil at the weekend, as the eternally optimistic Town boss seemed quite pleased with the world on Saturday night. Notwithstanding the Mariners' recent slight improvement in form, one is compelled to ask where it all might end, and whether Slade would chucklingly describe relegation to the Conference as "a bit unfortunate, really".

Sort It's equanimity in the face of another three points lost has found its way into the wider media, where Sporting Life's headline Slade philosophical in defeat sadly does not prefigure a series of quotes from the Town boss along the lines of: "At the end of the day, Man's position in the Universe can only be understood as a construct mediated through the senses and intellect and reintepreted via an essentially adaptable framework of morality and social relations, really, Burnsy."

Meanwhile, the redoubtable Teamtalk may be cashing in on the fact that nobody actually reads it by placing a hideous series of text-obscuring fizzy drink adverts all over its pages, but the site proves it can still get the laughs by headlining its copy of the story Slade philoshopical in defeat. Remember, readers � there are only ten philoshopping days left until Christmas. I spend, therefore I am.

Enough with that already. A new day is dawning � but nothing much changes, as the teamsheet for today's reserves game demonstrates. Town's Finnish trialist � I bet you don't know where this is going, do you? � Town's Finnish trialist Ville Vaisanen � brace yourself, because this may come as a shock � Town's Finnish trialist Ville Vaisanen won't be playing. Cuh, eh? Something about he couldn't get a flight over from Finland, which begs the question of in what sense, exactly, he has actually been on trial with Town - perhaps some sort of e-trial, conducted via the internet - but the ways of football people are not for non-football people such as you and I to know, my dear. Simon Ramsden, Stacy Coldicott, Michael Reddy, Ashley Sestanovich and Darren Mansaram, however, are all named in a strong-looking squad to face Boston's seconds at home in, ooh, just a few minutes' time.

In other news this day, GTFC are hoping for more bloody stupid Mexican waves for the visit of Oxford this Friday, as the club has decided to do the two free kids offer again; we seem to have let a future Welsh international slip through the net; Colin Cramb's financial situation � originally reported in this column on 8 October � has nothing to do with the courts, as it is the responsibility of the Official Receiver to advertise bankruptcy and issue a notice to creditors within a statutory time limit of 12 weeks; and some former Town players scored at the weekend. Bah.

Finally, then, an email from Chris Howes, who observed in the run-up to the weekend's proceedings at Huish Park some team news from the BBC which reported: "Kevin Gall, Adrian Caceres, Andrejs Stolcers or Michael Rose could fill the void created by winger Gavin Williams' move to West Ham." Chris asks simply: "How big was that bloke?" Not sure, but if the hole is still there then Rob Jones might be able to step in.

Sunday 12 December
Mrs Diary is dyeing her hair and I'm supposed to be making soup, but I thought I would make time for a quick Sunday Diary - chiefly because Cod Almighty is unlikely to be running a report on yesterday's 2-1 defeat at Yeovil and I've just received this email about the game from a shadowy Town supporter calling themselves only MFB.

"We really didn't deserve to lose this game to one of the division's leaders. Town dominated the first half and played quite well throughout. Yeovil's first goal was unstoppable, but the second should have been cleared before the cross. Stan's goal was brilliant but it should be noted that his first five minutes on the pitch consisted of giving the ball away.

"Mr Slade is correct to continue his endless search for a striker. In this match Town did everything in the first half but score. All through the game our best efforts were by midfielders. Parkinson is again the worst offender - tons of effort but no result apart from being continually offside. MOM Pinault. Town will play a lot worse and win, but they really do need an attacker who simply attacks the opponent's goal."

Thanks, MFB. From the sounds of that, Town did play a lot worse when they beat Kidderminster and Notts County recently, so I guess there's cause for optimism. Maybe Russ should see if all those strikers he checked out over the summer are fixed up yet; some of them surely couldn't be much worse than Parky in front of goal, and unless the Diary's Scotch-addled memory has taken a sudden nosedive in form, even the technically challenged Marvin Robinson popped one in for Walsall yesterday. Anyway, time to chop onions and dust down the liquidiser. Until tomorrow, armchair Britain.

Friday 10 December
A shivering welcome from the duchy of West Yorkshire for today's lunchtime sift through the self-raising flour of Town news.

The long, tiring and daunting trip for our first ever meeting with Yeovil - which probably isn't quite as arduous a journey if you floor your Lexus RX300 all the way there - has the Russ pondering over two selection problems from Tuesday night's team: Colin Cramb's been poorly sick and not trained for the past few days, while Stacy has pulled his groin (their words not our's). Simon Ramsden and Mansarama are looking to get drafted into the squad, although the former is some way off match fit. Slade, sounding like Richard Krenna in First Blood, gives Simon Ramsden a hint in the (seemingly - and pleasing so - Trevor Green-free) Grimmo Telegraph that he'd better hurry his match fitness up or face being mercilessly killed by an extravagantly muscled ex-soldier: "Rambo is getting closer."

Over at the OS "a player who definitely won't be travelling is Nick Heggarty"; we think he definitely wasn't travelling, broken toe or not. And, yes, you did read that right a few sentences back - Manasarama is travelling with the squad after Russ's requests to borrow one of the Tahgahs' many surplus strikers were greeted somewhat tersely by Peter Taylor: "We're not interested - Grimsby are wasting their time." Well, fuck off and stop wasting our time as well then, you minge-teasing tosser.

Goal machine Sir John McDermott won't fear a former Mariners striker, so reckons a piece on the BBC Humber site cunningly titled "McDermott won't fear former Mariners striker". But who is the sexy full-back referring to? Mendonca? Rees? McGarvey? Alas, Macca is on about that talented slacker Phil Jevons. Those who thought Jevvo was a bit of a plank during his time at Town have their just rewards with Macca telling us about Jevons's new-found position under a window. Unless BBC Humbo have been bloody useless and mistyped 'still'. Carrying on that theme, the Beeb's North Bank branch goes on the FACT! trail: "Jevons is one of the leading scorers in League Two this season with 14 goals". I think you'll find he is actually the top scorer, but nice try.

It's all yet more talk of Jevvo at Mariners World. The wonky cap wearing Russter (do you think he supports the Yankees or is it a style thing?) and Dale Ladson remark that Jevons is "a former striker". Still, he is one of the leading scorers in League Two I hear - not bad for an ex-striker. Terrell Forbes says he "doesn't know much about him," before suddenly getting all philosophical: "In the end we're all human." Quite. Interestingly, Terrell's interview contains some jolly little tit-bits. He's happy to be back in Grimsby (which must be a first for anyone ever), feels he's blessed, is playing footie which he enjoys, thinks what Grimsby did for him given all that "nonsense" was - to quote the man - "quality", he just wants to get promotion with Grimsby Town, "we're just like a big family" and is concetrating on the football ("what I'm good at"). Bless. Welcome back, Terrell! And what a happy camper, eh?

As is, it seems, a perky Andy Parkinson who inexplicably raises the hopes of Town fans by reckoning the Mariners are play-off material. Better start scoring some goals then, boyo, instead of claiming blatant own-goals as your own then. And talking of claims - Cramb, intelligent player? Compared to who? And can he do the crossword in the new Heat, let alone the Guardian?

Mariners Bet are offering 7/2 on a Town win, but you'd probably be best off settling for 5/2 on the draw if Mr Ronnie Bull's place in the team assures Town of non-defeat. "Since I've come into the side we have gone on a bit of a run." He's so modest. Other odds of note: bench boy Michael Reddy is 7/1 as a first goal scorer, Cramb's 9/1, as is one Jon Daly. Town's goalscoring full-backs, Macca and Bull are at 12s and 14s respectively to score at any point in the game. Hmmmm... Time for another online betting account.

A quick rustle in the postbag and - hello! - it's big friend of the Diary, Pat Bell, who writes in about yesterday's call for Hockless to be given a starting berth (supposedly). "Do you think next June there will be a speight of failed GCSE papers in the NE Lincs area?" asks Pat before offering the following examples:

Maths: solve these equations:
x2 - y(1/3z)= 42
Answer: Start with Graham Hockless

History: The shooting of Archduke Ferdinand was merely the last domino in a chain that led to Word War One. Discuss.
Answer: Start with Graham Hockless

You know, you might be onto something here, Pat. Maybe the club should link up with an exam board, in some sort of sponsorship deal...

And, finally, the club also wants to remind its fans that "we've still got places left on various nights in December for groups to enjoy our very competitive 4 course Christmas Carvery - just �16.95 per person." It's good job it's lunchtime, as typing that out has made me furthermore hungry. Although I'll be making my two course meal of sandwiches and a yoghurt without resorting to jostling with my wife at the bread board. All in a totally casual dress code. Talking of which, thanks to the cold my thumbs have gone weird. Just time for me to ask if anyone's going to the game tomorrow would they mind writing us a report? Drop the diary a line using the link on the left. And now, to retreat to the warmth of the kitchen. Ciao!

Thursday 9 December
Hull striker Danny Allsopp would sooner stay at Boothferry Park and fight for his place in Peter Taylor's first team than go out on loan to Grimsby, or anywhere else, for that matter. A report from BBC Humber quotes the player as follows: "Hopefully, maybe today's the day. I just have to wait and see and take it hopefully from today. My wife's heard the rumours and someone told me and that's as far as anything's happened." A setback for Russell Slade's interminable quest to sign a new centre-forward, it would appear, but for the Diary to be anything approaching disappointed at this news, I would need to be convinced that Allsopp is considerably better at scoring goals than he is at speaking intelligible English.

In other striker news today, the Grimsby Telegraph rocks the football world with the news of Noddy's contingency plan for when Allsopp and Jon Walters say no to his face and those Scandinavians have returned to Humberside Airport after everyone has forgotten about them. Mr Slade has agreed a loan with fat southern vowel-mangler Barry Fry for Peterborough's Richard Logan but has yet to speak to the player himself about the move: a matter of the supremest indifference to Town fans who have seen Logan play for Posh and Boston and believe the player's usefulness to be on a par with that of the proverbial chocolate fireguard.

What else? One of the Blundell Park suits has got a new car, Reading and Forest fancy a bit of Jogging Danny B, and what do you know, if Rusle Slades had selected failed Leigh RMI loanee Graham Hockless against Notts County the other night then Town would have won the match! Eh? Oh.

And that is all from your regular Diary for another week, but tune in again tomorrow for bite-sized chunks of regurgitated Mariners news from one of Cod Almighty's team of guest diarists. I'm going off now for my work Christmas do, which means that in roughly ten hours from now I will most likely be creating a scale model of the Millennium Falcon from a coriander naan bread. Cheerio!

Wednesday 8 December
Town fans everywhere are today enjoying the temporary sensation of being only the second worst League side in Lincolnshire, as last night's knife-edge 3-2 win over Notts County has elevated the side to 15th place in the fourth division table and, incredibly, to within three points of a play-off place. In the Diary's considered view the Mariners just about deserved it, despite unconvincing (for which read: rubbish) performances from Ronnie Bull and Anthony Williams, and a sponsors' man-of-the-match award to Jason Crowe which can only be said to have repositioned the very boundaries of irony. So lap up those A16 boasting rights while you can, readers, because a win for Boston tonight at home to struggling Rushden would push GTFC back down to the arse end of the Lincs pecking order. And the Diary, for one, is fed up of having a pecked arse.

Jon Walters, Danny Allsopp, Richard Logan, Lee Thorpe. Four strikers Mr Russell Slade is casting his beady eye over for when his latest pair of pointless foreign trialists return to Scandinavia without having played for Town reserves. Cuddly Noddy checked out Walters and Allsopp in action for ambitious east Yorkshire side Kingston-upon-Hull City at the weekend, or rather he would have done had Allsopp been named in the starting XI or on the bench, but Walters came on as a 51st-minute sub. The Town manager's journey largely having been wasted, then, he now knows how several hundred of his team's supporters felt on the 6th of November.

Logan plays for Peterborough, and has the same name as a former Scunthorpe player, which seems not to be distracting Mr Russ from his crazed obsession to bring the Suffolk-born, six-foot-one, former Ipswich and Boston, previously-loaned-out-to-Shrewsbury frontman up to Blundell Park for what Town's official site describes as "a run out". Which, by breathtaking coincidence, is exactly what Thorpe did when his loan with the Mariners ended in March of this year � all the way to Bristol Rovers, for whom he started and scored last night in a 4-1 win over Chester, so unless Sort It knows something we don't he could be in for a bit of trouble on that front.

The name of another striker now: Paul Robinson. A name to strike fear into the hearts of Grimsby fans. Not so much fear of a repeat of the hat-trick he scored against their team about a year ago as his then Hartlepool side romped to a notorious 8-1 victory over the Mariners which arguably precipitated the latter's slump to a second successive relegation and buried forever their hopes of returning to the top division of the Football League, but fear of looking silly for forgetting which Paul Robinson is being discussed. For both the former Pools man and a Tranmere forward of the same name have served stunningly unsuccessful periods on loan with the Mariners. And now they're both going to be at York with Paul Groves and various other ex-Town types of the 1997�98 vintage, as Tranmere have released their Paul Robinson and York want to make it a pair. Trial, loan, can't quite tell. OK, bit boring really.

Any old how, I have in my hand a piece of email from Dan Lynch, who wishes simply to know whether Cod Almighty is still selling We Piss on Your Fish T-shirts. To which the answer is, yes, Dan, I believe we are. I have forwarded your mail to the chief executive of CA's rapaciously profitable apparel subdivision, Mr Andrew Holt, who will contact you shortly. You need to send Sue your address as well, Andy, OK?

Today's final word goes to the new manager of Wolverhampton Wanderers, Glenneth Hoddle. "I have a number of alternatives," the Mystic of the Home Counties once said, "and each one gives me something different." Read and learn, Mr Slade; read and learn.

Tuesday 7 December
Attention, consumers! Your duty to the British economy calls. Now that you are freed from the unnecessary and socially unproductive obligation to watch association football on Saturday afternoons, your presence is required in the nation's retail outlets, where you are obliged to place the generous share of wealth that your labour helps to create back into our glorious system of commerce and industry, so that it can keep going round and round in endless circles and we can call it economic growth and you will feel happy. Northampton's unexpected progress in the FA Cup means they will now be unavailable to face the Mariners on 8 January, as originally scheduled, and so when Lincoln head up the A46 two weeks later it will be Town's first home game on a Saturday for two months. When the Diary said I wondered how it feels to support a Premiership club, this is not what I had in mind.

Because it is more important to bring you the news about GTFC than to appease the ruling class, the Cod Almighty team spent yesterday afternoon skiving off work to try and find out about these Scandinavians on trial at BP, and I hope you jolly well appreciate it. Ville Vaisanen was the easy one, as he has half a dozen Finland caps to his name, and even scored a goal once, against Oman in 2002, though not without missing several sitters as well. Sci-fi baddie Tope Arojogun proved a little harder to pin down, though he seems to have played on the right wing for the renowned St George's (Eltham) FC the season before last and managed seven minutes as a substitute for the mighty Welling United six weeks ago.

All the news that's fit to print about tonight's visit of Notts County to Cleethorpes is that Terrell Forbes could replace Rob Jones in the centre of the Mariners' defence, on the proviso that Russell Slade has been better able than the Diary to blot out the memory of that horrible picture of Forbes celebrating outside the courtroom the other week; and that if the Lincs Footy website is to be believed then Mr Russ could be turning Tinkerman and going for a third different formation in four games by switching to a 4-3-3 set-up, which never, ever works for Grimsby, ever. Oh well.

Monday 6 December
Hello! Hello! It's good to be back. Except in the sense that I still have a load of work to do and write the Diary. But hey, at least my magnificent Ivano Bonetti T-shirt arrived, and I managed to get out at the weekend and celebrate Cod Almighty making it into the When Saturday Comes 'festive twenty', and given the sterling efforts of last week's tag team of substitute diarists, you can't have missed me all that much. Can you?

So, as I flex my typing fingers and launch myself headlong back into the daily torrent of news that envelops Grimsby Town Football Club, what are the big stories that will today shake North East Lincolnshire to its very mantle? Well, our thirst for Town-flavoured tea is unlikely to be slaked this afternoon. Russ is still after a loan striker, who still doesn't have a name; Terrell Forbes has still signed a new contract that will keep him at Blundell Park until the end of the season; and Nicky Law is still both ugly and unemployed.

Ooh, hang on! Stop press! Well, stop upload. Whatever! The Grimsby Telegraph has some news about strikers! Finnish international Ville Vaisanen... coming on trial... ooh... mortal enemy of Doctor Who, Tope Arojogon... also coming on trial... cor... West Ham's Greg Pearson... going back to Upton Park after failing trial... "he had very little experience," says Slade... cos, like, you needed to bring the poor lad all the way up from London for a week and make him play for the reserves to find that out...

Northwich Victoria's epic quest to avoid relegation from the Conference armed only with Greg Young and a 10-point penalty for going into administration continues � but all the Town reject-laden Cheshire strugglers picked up from Saturday's visit to Glenn Cockerill's Woking was a 2-0 defeat. And a yellow card for Greg. The Vics remain ten points downstream of safety but are swimming hard towards Forest Green with a dagger clenched between their teeth.

Serious-minded readers may now be feeling grave doubts about the Diary's sense of priorities, given that I stand exposed as the kind of shallow-minded fool who sees fit to dwell upon the Conference relegation struggle while there is so much else going on in the world that is far more serious and worthy of our attention. Emails from Dave the Engineer, for example, who has been reflecting upon Keith Alexander being named fourth division manager of the month ahead of Brian Laws. "Nice that Keith got the award," remarks Dave. Does his generosity extend to Glanford Park? Let's find out. "TYE was on Lincs FM last week when they were speculating he would win it again. Let's hope at the season end they have won fuck all." I thought not.

Lastly today, then, a second email to the Diary, also on the subject of Town's Lincolnshire neighbours, but this time from Manchester Mariner Miles Moss. "Many Town fans will no doubt be extremely jealous of Scunthorpe's glamour tie at Chelsea," writes MM, "but the one which made me go 'Ooh, yer bastards!' out loud at the telly was Exeter's forthcoming trip to Old Trafford. That should have been our tie. And it's just round the corner from me, so it would have been dead handy and that. Buggerit." Well, that's one way of seeing it; but where Miles' cup is half full, the Diary's has been knocked off the table by Doncaster Rovers and lies shattered on the floor.

Friday 3 December
Ah, hello again, everyone. Miles here. I wasn't expecting to have to do this, so I feel a bit like I've just answered the door half way through getting dressed for work. Give me a nudge if you notice my flies are undone, won't you.

I've got that Crunchie feeling, so I guess it must be Friday. Either that or I forgot to change my grundies this week. If it's Friday, that means I can rattle on about team news for a bit for tomorrow's match against... hang on... what? There's no league match tomorrow? Oh, right, it's the FA Cup, I see. So who have we got in this round...? Did we...? Oh yeah - Exeter. Damn. Um... excuse me while I drum my fingers on the desk for a while.

Ah - here's something: with Forbes free and Rambo recovering, young Greg Young is once again putting 31 clean pairs of pants and white ankle socks into his suitcase and jumping on the next train to Northwich to begin another one-month loan with the Vics.

There won't be an empty bit of bench for long, though, if the Sladester has got anything to do with it, as he is currently talking to an unnamed manager about bringing an unnamed striker on loan to Cleethorpes. So, if they're both unnamed, I can presume that they're related. In which case, it must be Harry Redknapp about Jamie. Or Frank Lampard about Frank junior. Or Alan Buckley about Adam. Except none of them are strikers. And they all have names. What's that? Shut up, Miles? OK.

Very much not unnamed at the moment is Terrell Forbes. A postscript to the above vague teaser of a story tells us that today is the day the extremely named player is expected to put his much-used name on a contract for an as yet unnamed length of time.

In other news from other clubs, good old Keith Alexander has been not un-not unnamed manager of the month for November. Well done Keefer.

Finally, in my googlescrape of the interweb, comes this from a Grimsby news site: "Public education is required to control these animals and co-existence is a better alternative than trapping and killing them." It's about urban coyotes in Grimsby, Ontario, of course, and not Burberry wearers in Grimsby, Lincolnshire. Of whom the opposite view is held. Well, that's it for now. Have a good weekend, everyone, and I hope that the strange empty feeling tomorrow at 4:45pm isn't too unbearable. Bye!

Thursday 2 December
Hello readers, and elcome to Thursday's diary, ritten by me, Miles Moss. Yes, I kno there are to letters missing there - ooh, and another one just no... ooh, there's one more. There's a good reason for this - ant to kno hat it is? Ell, I spent my lunch hour at ork on Tuesday hizzing off thirty of those onderful ne 'Ivano' t-shirts to some ise and discerning Cod Almighty readers. I thought that a compliment slip ould be in order, so I quickly hipped one up using Microsoft Ord for Indos. Yesterday, our very on Pete Green mailed to say ho good the shirt as, but ho rubbish I as for not being able to type the ebsite's URL properly, to it: 'orld ide' instead of 'orld ide eb'. hoops. hat a silly anker I am.

Right, that's enough of that. I just can't keep it up any longer. Stop sniggering at the back. Anyway, for those of you who ordered one of these smashing shirts, I hope your enjoyment hasn't been impaired by my dodgy stationery. But hey, hang on to them - they're collector's items, like those copies of albums that were accidentally pressed on only one side, or those copies of 'Total Cult' magazine that went on sale with a big spelling error on the cover.

Once you've had a bit of the old Grimsby magic, there's no going back, it seems. Having sold prolific scorer (for other teams, anyway) Daryl Clare, Chester City are now emptying the piggy bank and looking down the back of the sofa in order to buy another bit-disappointing-for-us-and-good-for-others striker: Phil Jevons. Chester have a shortage of front men which won't be resolved until the injury to Branch is better, the loan of Stamp is over, and the suspension of Belle ends. Ooh. Has that made anyone else's eyes water?

There was an article in the Telegraph yesterday about finances and administration and stuff, which just smacks of petty politics rather than facts, and bored me rigid within seconds. Read it yourself if you like, but quite frankly I found the most interesting bit to be "Continued on Page 51".

My eyes fair popped out of my head cartoon-style when I read that Grimsby's under-17 team had won a friendly 40-0, but then I realised it was about bloody rugby. It's one of them slow news days, I guess, which is why the Telegraph are running a 49-word story on how Notts County have loaned a goalie from Aston Villa; and why I'm bothering telling you about it.

By the way, incidentally, and apropos of nothing, did anyone see the BBC website's videprinter page last night? German side Schalke 04 only scored one goal, but were credited with having scored four because of some confusion with their name. They were 4-0 up, 4-1 up, and then 4-2 up, but still lost 2-1, apparently. Well, it amused me, anyhow.

And finally: it's never nice when a promising young footballer suffers a horrific injury, and so it is with great sadness that I bring you news that Sheffield Wednesday's Adam Proudlock has broken his leg in training. No, really, it's horrible. I know he refused to come on loan to Grimsby cos we weren't good enough for him and we smelled of lobsters, but it must have really hurt him, so please stop laughing. Oh come on now, stop it.

Wednesday 1 December
Afternoon. Andy Holt here, stepping in today for the Diary in his week off. It's been a while since I've done one of these, so forgive me if it's pants. Also I'm all over-exerted, word-wise, at the moment after throwing together a match report at the weekend and this week's results from our tipping competition, not fifteen minutes hence.

So, what news from NE Lincs? Well, firstly I find myself having to comment on the Derby County youth team's much deserved, and wholly expected, comprehensive thrashing of their lowly Grimbsy Someone counterparts. The match ended 4-0 to the team with the sparkly, plastic stadium. They won the Football League twice in the seventies, you know. How rude of the Mariners to even bother turning up.

Some good news for those of you who believe that Rob Jones's height a quality defender does not him make. Terrell Forbes will be back up north tonight. According to the OS he will put pen to paper tomorrow, keeping him in black and white "until the end of the season at least". "At least", eh? Those two words in regards to TJ and his contract with us are news to me. You don't reckon Russ can persuade him to sign until the end of 2005-06, do you?

In the same article the OS casually drops in a comment about Mr Slade enquiring about an unnamed striker from an unnamed club for an unnamed period of time. He hopes to have him in place, wherever that may be, before the match against Notts County on Tuesday. I was going to ask what was wrong with getting him, assuming it's a him, before Saturday, but it's FA Cup second round week innit? Which I guess will give Terrell Forbes an extra few days to try and regain some fitness too. Nice.

And speaking of fitness and defenders, the more-reliable-than-it-used-to-be Teamtalk postulates that Simon Rambo may be fit for the match against the Magpies too. From 70 minutes against York reserves to a league match would be a big step up after no footy for three months, but he's got to be better than Jones, hasn't he? I mean, give me a pair of boots and a stepladder and I'd be at least as good as Jones.

And that's about it from me. Not sure who's in the driving seat tomorrow, but whoever it is, you'll be in capable hands. Laters.

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