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Diary

Sunday 29 February
What a bloody marvellous weekend. Yes, it's me back, and I am flipping knackered. See you tomorrow.

Friday 27 February
Afternoon. This is your guest guest diary speaking. I have a bad hangover, so if you'd like to keep your voices down, that'll be lovely.

The revolving door at Blundell Park must be creaking like a tortoise with arthritis after more comings and goings today � well, goings, anyway � with the news that both Iffy and Paul Groves have packed their satchels and buggered off to Tranmere and Scunthorpe respectively. The official site gets all phallic on us and misspells Glanford Park as "Glandford Park," which has me giggling at the back of a classroom like a schoolboy watching a video of two dogs rut during a sex 'education' lesson.

Err... anyway. My friend and yours Mr Brian Laws wants the ageing midfield lothario to help stop Scunny's nosedive down the league, but Paul, ever eloquent, seems a bit embarrassed about the whole thing, spluttering into his handkerchief: "I have come to Scunthorpe United to play football and help out manager Brian Laws and that is all I want to say at the current time." A glittering career on the after-dinner speaking circuit clearly awaits.

Meanwhile, Laws is relatively orgasmic about Groves' month-long loan, dribbling on about how he needs a calm head in midfield or something. They don't come much calmer than old Paul... Iffy, of course, has slipped down that thing called the pecking order after the arrival of Thorpe and Rankin, and he looks like he's knobbing off to Tranmere to "do a job" there. That might mean he's after robbing a Birkenhead bank, it might not. You decide.

As I write this, we're all still waiting to hear whether or not Town are gonna go out and get a keeper for tomorrow's game or not, or maybe they'll just rely on little Andy Pettinger. Why do clubs have reserve goalies if they're not gonna use them? What kind of dead-end job has Pettinger got, eh? Cuh, you wouldn't catch me wanting to be a footballer. Nah, I'd rather just sit here all day doing the absolutely vital job I do, keeping the wheels of industry turning. Reserve goalkeeping? Bunch of arse, more like.

Oh yeah, and Blundell Park looks and wintry and pretty on the front page of the OS, so the game'll probably be off tomorrow or something. I feel a bit sick. Bye then.

Thursday 26 February
If you're in a rush, there's nothing of consequence today, except the news that young Pettinger's broken finger is definitely mended now. Which is his way of throwing his gloves into the ring, I suppose. So you busy types go off and keep the wheels of industry turning, or go to bingo or something. But if you're a slacker, settle down for a few minutes with your Guest Diary. I'm sure nothing's spoiling.

The Town win on Tuesday night obviously had a bigger effect on me than I had realised. I went to the doctor to get my head examined yesterday: something I do periodically, at his insistence. Any road, for some reason he decided to take my blood pressure, which he then declared to be 170 over 130. Apparently that's a tad on the high side. I tried to explain about the Mariners' plight(s) but he was more interested in my smoking and alcohol consumption. "I don't smoke tobacco!" was my exultant response. But then he dragged me down into the murky world of units. By the time I had finished explaining my weekly drinking pattern things looked grim. Apparently just one daily measure of my favourite Woods' 100 navy rum is equivalent to the entire weekly recommended alcohol intake of a grown woman. I never drink and drive, but now I'm banned from drinking whilst watching six to eight hours' telly a day. So no more watching under the influence for a bit, and the prospect of a 24-hour BP monitor strapped to my arm to look forward to. I'd better start reading for a living instead.

It's past time to poke through this week's Diary mailbag. The inbox reveals that Michael 'Genius' Shelton wrote in days ago chortling about the Daws/Laws official site fiasco: "Have you seen on the official site the article about Nicky
Daws signing for another month, cleverly entitled 'Laws Signs For Another Month'?? Is this an innocent typo, or something entirely more sinister in the form of a spill-the-beans moment revealing the new Town manager? If this is the case lets just hope it's another Nicky and not a Brian." They fixed the Freudian slip eventually, by the way.

Mat Hare, he of the 'betting with chimps' column, is driving us to distraction with emails pleading for publicity for his work. Don't be paranoid, mate; if it's any good the world is bound to realise what they've been missing sooner or later. In a postscript to his last email Mat suggests a cunning plan to avoid us denying receipt of his pleadings: "PS This is the second time I have sent this e-mail. You really should get dairy@codalmighty.com set up so that even when I fcuk up the address you still get the mail."

The 'Paul Groves to Scunny' daftness has subsided of late. I think he should be playing for Grimsby Town, myself, but that's another story. Tony Butcher's never-forgive-'em, never-forget-'em acerbicism resulted in this note: "Oh c'mon, behave yourself. We all know why Groves to be managed by Laws is most unlikely to happen. 'One of my players cheated me out of three points.' Inaccurate then and now." Laws was at it again after their defeat the other other night. He obviously believes 'naming and shaming' is the best way to manage and motivate his squad.

On the same theme, Stuart Rowson wrote in after the Diary highlighted the discrepancy between the Grimsby and Scunny Telegraph's headlines regarding Groves' potential transfer to the Iron. "Re Groves and Scunny. Not to mention the fact that the Scunny Tel were just about to send their back page to the press when Rozzer chirped in with 'well, actually, he's said he's not' but newspapers being newspapers, it stayed the same. After all, they can play it down tomorrow can't they, and fill a few more column inches. Tsk tsk." An honest reporter? It makes your day doesn't it. Keep your emails coming, and we promise to reply a bit quicker next time. But this week's been busy with loanees, trialists, a mid-week game, and daft fundraising campaigns, so it's the first chance we've had to draw breath.

Oh, before I go I forgot to mention yesterday the daft outburst from Rodger about the congested fixture list (Town have seven games in three weeks). "Whoever organised this..." he spluttered. The trouble is, Graham, the club needs the home gate monies to pay the 'leccy, so it was their idea. I've got to go and save the planet tomorrow by managing the scrubland in Ancaster valley (where that funny T-shirt picture was taken; you know, the one with the sheep). If you like bonfires, come down and join me. So somebody else will be guesting for the guest. See yer at the Barnsley game if you can make it.

Wednesday 25 February
An early diary today, as I can't wait to tell you how 'good' Town were last night as they confounded expectations with a winner three minutes into injury time. The good news is that Town's goals were really good ones. A spectacular mixture actually. For the first Armstrong slung a delightful crossfield ball; Jevons' first touch was sublime, and his finish was as cool as you like. The second was a penalty. Rankin was 'dragged back', so dived forward between two defenders. The ref bought it, hook, line and sinker. Of course, Rankin learnt that trick at Barnsley. A proper Grimsby player would never stoop so low. Jevons took a good penalty, low in to the corner. And then, finally (and I mean finally) the space cadet himself launched himself upwards to steer a header into the top corner, from a delightful Barnard free kick. And all three at the Pontoon end. What a lovely bonus for your failing-sighted guest diarist.

The bad news is that Town were abso-bloody-lutely awful. Too awful for me to tell you, so I'll leave it to Tony Butcher, whose match report will be published here later in the day. Read it, and weep.

So, we have 36 points with 14 games left. Applying the time-honoured formula results in us needing to average about a point a game from hereon. One thing last night's game definitely shows is that this year's crop of Division Two sides are almost universally crap. Luton were rubbish, like all the rest of the play-off challenging sides I've seen. Only Bristol City really stand out. And why? Because Wilson has got them disciplined and organised. Town are neither disciplined nor organised.

Davison played the whole of the second half with a very debilitating leg injury, which contributed directly to Luton's second goal. Our sub goalie was Anderson, who had gone off injured earlier in the first half. Our other sub goalkeeper is Hamilton, who was a mysterious omission from the sixteen. After the match Rodger babbled and gurgled about the result, likening his team to soldiers going over the top or something. Maybe he was alluding to a Blackadder episode. Tony Robinson has, sadly not applied for the managership vacancy. Maybe we should email him and ask for a cunning plan. Rodger also has some convincing to do 'upstairs' if he is to get permission to sign a loan keeper to cover the four to six weeks he claims it will take Aidan to recover. He hinted that he'd been told to sort it out within his existing squad resources. I vote for Hamilton, who was signed for his comedy value, so needs to earn his corn somehow now that he is out of favour in midfield.

Buckets were shyly shaken at the match last night, but the club itself seems to be promoting only the flag appeal (tannoy, scoreboard, and official website). The girls raised �288 out of the �500 they need, apparently. But there is no sign at all that the GTST Grab-a-Goalie campaign has taken off. So it will be interesting to see what happens next.

Life is never boring as a Town fan, and that is reason number 153 why I support them. Until tomorrow then, gentle readers...

Tuesday 24 February
When the Diary mentioned last week that I would be filling in for him, I think he said something about my "cheerful shed philosophising". Well, I feel more like Jock Frazer this morning, to be honest. To put that statement into perspective, my post this morning contained the slacker's dream � a big wodge of tax rebate. So why do I still keep muttering that "we're doomed", even on a day when I'm unexpectedly flush? Well, first and foremost, we have a match tonight against an unfashionable side, desperate to win to keep their play-off dreams alive. More on that later, but second, and even further foremost, the board's admission that the club debt has reached �2m, and the fact that it keeps rising (due to our ever-growing squad of ne'er-do-wells, suspendees, trialists and other slackers), must mean that we are perilously close to going under. Not waving, but drowning.

Comparing where we are today to the first day of the season, is more than a bit sad. Remember we started off by flying (flying, like swearing in print, is always exciting, remember) our newly signed squad down to Plymouth, and earning a point with a decent performance. The sun was shining, we didn't have any loan players, and there was the prospect of Pouton and Coldicott returning to fitness 'soon'. Having dropped a division we felt we had a squad that would be up there with the best of 'em. Now we are 20th, fielding a patched-up team, and are about to start juggling even that (to avoid having too many loanees on the field at any one time). Come the weekend we'll have played 30 players in the first team this season. Oh, and the stop-gap manager is operating on a match-to-match basis. No wonder I struggle to recognise who's who on a dark, rainy Tuesday night.

As I mentioned yesterday, we need a big whip-round to pay for a borrowed goalie. Surely Davison's fine of two weeks' wages would pay half of that? Assuming they have given him one, that is. I've just had a peek at the GTST page and there is no mention of 'grab a goalie' donations yet. So, to get the ball rolling Cod Almighty will accept donations. We'll set up a proper page shortly, but in the meantime, email me if you want to make a donation online and I'll tell you how you can do it. Every penny will go to the club. Of course the other way to do it is to turn up for the match tonight, where there will be donation-accepting receptacles (buckets, for the older readers among you). Beware, though: a rival gang will be waving different buckets under your nose to raise money for a 30-foot flag for the Pontoon. Rumours that this will be taped over the Mariners' goal in lieu of a keeper on Saturday are, so far, unfounded.

So, given my despondent state, I'm making sure that I witness tonight's performance on a full stomach, dining at Ernie Beckett's fish and chip emporium beforehand, with no less a Town luminary than Mr Tony Butcher. If you have a question to ask Cod Almighty's ace match reporter, send it through. But be quick: I have to leave home at 3:30 cos I live 70 miles from Grimsby in deepest joskin land. Replies cannot be guaranteed, of course, as Tony works in the insolvency bit of the DTI or whatever so he could lose his job if he starts sounding off about Town's financial situation. Ask him about the foul throw law, the state of the opposition's hairstyles, how he remembers so much stuff without taking any notes at the game. Prog rock questions are also welcomed (I am a Van de Graaf Generator expert � not many people know that).

So what news, today? Well, our French correspondent did us proud, giving us a dandy overview of the weirdly named trialist. By the way, Stu, Mr Friiiio is a dashing, flair-laden, French midfield player who has scored lots of goals this season. Except when he came up against a certain Paul Groves at Blundell Park, who made him virtually anonymous all game. Simon Wilson has also given us a spiffing mini-preview of tonight's game. Luton can't lose at home (except, perversely to Grimsby Town), and always seem to draw away.

As for Town's starting line-up then your guess is probably better than mine, or Rodger's, come to that. Stacy has a late fitness test on his groin; Armstrong and Daws are signed, and re-signed respectively; Edwards is suspended; Crowe and Macca are out for deffo. That means we have loads of strikers to choose from, but no right-back. Every time I think of Wes Parker I remember his man-marking performance against Kinkladze at Derby on Boxing Day in the 2002-03 season. If Stacy is our yard dog, could Wes be our Jack Russell? As for centre-half, new signing Armstrong has been talking to the Grimsby Telegraph and thinks he might be playing at centre-half with old colleague Crane: a prospect, apparently, he does not relish. Yeah, I know what you mean Craig. Here's hoping for as good a win as we got with that patched-up side against Derby. See yer.

Monday 23 February
If, like me, you're feeling the teensiest bit paranoid after a weekend where you drank too much booze, then I'd like to reassure you that Cod Almighty has no interest in logging your IP number. What's the worst you're gonna do � use really dirty swear words about me? Insult my mum? You can probably tell that I passed through a rival message board this morning. Christ knows why I bothered.

Anyway the news of the day so far is that Town have signed one of those fangled utility players on loan from the Owls. His name is Craig Armstrong, and Chris Turner has made it plain that he wants rid of him for good. As to why we would want him, I haven't actually got a clue. We are cluttered up with players like that, aren't we? Let me know if I'm wrong, but so far the only reasons I can come up with are Edwards' upcoming suspension, and the fact that all our central midfield players are either injured, or playing crap. Yes, stand up Messrs Daws and Hamilton, I mean you.

Actually, Cod Almighty stalwart Pete Green emailed me over the weekend with the news that Armstrong was coming to Town. But, in true CA style, I couldn't be arsed to tell anyone. Another semi-exclusive missed. Oh well�

If anyone is hanging around waiting for Tony Butcher's match report from the Colchester game, I suggest that you put up with this substitute report from the Colchester official site, or read Alistair Wilkinson's epic poem from this site. Both sources will tell you most of what you want to know, or rather most of what you didn't want to know, about the continuation of Town's predictable, painful demise.

I've just received sight of a very long press release from those Grimsby Town Supporters Trust people. I'll look in a minute to see if there's a web link to it, but here are the juiciest bits. The trust claims to have a membership equivalent to 3.75 per cent of the home gate. It has also already raised enough money to pay off approximately 0.125 per cent of the club's debts. That's �2,500 of the �2m the club now says it owes. Hey, real progress, says your ever-sceptical Guest Diarist. The trust and the board are continuing to exchange pleasantries, and Dave Smith has been co-opted on to the trust's board. The club's articles of association don't permit the reciprocal act, so no trust member can become a director of the club as things stand. Cue silent sighs of relief from certain quarters (and yeah, I have to admit it, one of those quarters is mine).

What the Trust should be doing at this stage is not puffing its self important chest out, and demanding to run the club. It should be raising cash. And the press release announces a start in this direction by launching the 'Grab a Goalie' campaign. I know a load of you, like me, have been wondering what will happen during Aidan's upcoming three-match suspension. Rodger went on record, the night he was sent off (for that innocent, nay playful, headbutt), as saying a loan keeper had to be signed. The news via the trust press release is that the fans will have to stump up to pay for one. Errrm, it's Monday now, and we need him when? Saturday you say? Are you sure?

So how come we could afford to sign Armstrong when we have all manner of cover for the positions in which he plays (even if you have to factor in the likes of Parker, Ward, Bolder and Young), when we don't have the ackers to get a loan keeper for a month? I'll be chucking cash into the bucket, don't get me wrong, but I'm a mighty confused guest diarist. As for the Grab a Goalie strapline, it sounds to me like someone thought of that about half eleven last Wednesday night at the Winter Gardens. But more on my past exploits at Grab a Granny night later in the week.

Oh God, and there's more. The official site has announced that a French defender is coming on trial. Here it is in full so I don't have to type the bloody foreign names: French defender Eugene Kangulungu has arrived at Blundell Park for a trial with the club. Kangulungu has previously played for French third division side Louhans-Cuiseaux. Our, ahem, French correspondent, Stu Morton, will report on this tomorrow. Stu, STU! Are yer there?

Saturday 21 February
Colchester record their first league win for two and a half months as four changes to the GTFC line-up fail to produce the desired effect in a game watched by just 2,922 fans. Lee Thorpe makes a second start up front, while Darren Barnard and Mike Edwards return at the back, but Town's midfield has to suffice without canine influence after Stacy 'Yard Dog' Coldicott fails a late fitness test. The Mariners keep the home side at bay for 64 minutes - albeit at the cost of Tony Crane's 109th booking of the season - but Craig Fagan, on loan from Premiership Birmingham, puts the home side ahead, and Kemal Izzet pops up with a header deep into injury time to wrap up a 2-0 victory for the Us and deprive the Diary of eight points in our second division prediction league. Peterborough's unlikely 1-1 draw at Bristol City last night has brought them to within three points of the Mariners in Division Two's final safety spot.

It is with these gloomy tidings that the Diary bids you adieu for a week and hands over this column to the cheerful shed philosophising of Guest Diary, who will be the one to provide your daily digest of Mariners nonsense from Monday to Friday. May he live in interesting times. I'll be back next Saturday, so until then, take care of yourselves, don't let it get to you, and defy the forces of darkness by being nice to an asylum seeker. T'ra.

Friday 20 February
Instead of handing over to Guest Diary, as is semi-usual on Fridays, I have decided to stick around today, because GD will be bringing you this column all next week (some of us have to work for a living, you see). Having said that, I wish I hadn't said that, because I woke up this morning with a killer hangover � after just three pints and a short. If the Diary continues ageing at the current rate, then my pre-match drinking in the Rutland will soon be restricted to the Old Mill mild instead of the bitter.

Why do we have to have hangovers, anyway? There are those who argue that they function as a necessary brake on overindulgence and that without them the world as we know it would descend into alcoholic chaos and become nothing more than a larger-scale version of Cleethorpes seafront on a Saturday night. But this is like those scientists who tell you that feeling pain is necessary to the survival of our species, because without it our ancient ancestors would have gone around jumping off mountains with gay abandon and blithely indulged sabre-toothed tigers to chew their legs off. This is so much bollocks, as the human brain is clearly advanced enough to understand the concept of harm and danger without necessarily having to experience the sensation of pain. I know full well, for instance, that if I allow Mrs Diary to carry out all that she threatens then I will never again be able to type this column, and so the price of a daily GTFC news summary is eternal vigilance.

That said, the intense psychological pain of watching Town play never seems to deter me from supporting them; and with Darren Barnard and Stacy Coldicott looking unlikely to figure in this weekend's game at Colchester, we could be looking at more of the same. Until tomorrow, comrades... now where did I put those black and white striped furry handcuffs?

Thursday 19 February
Grimsby supporters watching in envy as the likes of Manchester Telegenic rack up billions of dollars from selling duvet covers to the Japanese, while most Grimbarians have never even heard of Blundell Park, are quick to bemoan the low media profile of their club. "We never get any coverage!" they will cry, like distressed crows at a key party when the really minging crow reaches for the bowl. But today the club's search for a manager has penetrated deeper into the global consciousness than they could ever have dreamed possible, as the mighty Chobham News & Mail has scooped an exclusive Glenn Cockerill interview in which the Woking manager declares: "There's been no interest as far as I know and I've not spoken to anybody at Grimsby Town Football Club." The greatest locally born footballer never to play for the Mariners was linked with the Blundell Park vacancy by the Grimsby Telegraph last week, when they were bored one day, and is flattered by the 'interest' but insists: "I want to see this job off first." So that's that sorted out, then.

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Just as deflections are always "wicked" and poor clearances are always "only as far as" the other team's best striker, so Town are always "rocked" by an injury crisis. It's been a while since they had one, actually, so we shouldn't be too surprised. "Stacy Coldicott, Darren Barnard, Lee Thorpe and Jason Crowe are all major doubts," reports today's Grimsby Telegraph, "while Simon Ford and Iain Anderson are struggling." Hmmm. That's quite bad actually � although it could at least mean Mike Edwards back in the side in Ford's place and another chance for the excellent Graham Hockless. Goodness only knows what we'll do for full backs, though. Anyway, I'm not going to cut and paste a list of what the injuries actually are, because I still don't even know what a hamstring is.

Rachael Pullen, if you're still reading, the 'Groves to Scunny' thing has taken another twist or two. Probably as a result of the subject being examined in yesterday's Diary, Town's previous manager has spoken out on the issue in today's Grimsby Telegraph, describing talk of a move to Glanford Park as "pure speculation." It's not the sort of thing you'd shout about, really, though, is it. And interestingly, while the GT headlines its piece GROVES PLAYS DOWN IRON LINK, its little brother paper the Scunthorpe Telegraph is running one entitled GROVES DEAL ON CARDS?, which begins by stating: "Former Grimsby Town boss Paul Groves could be a Scunthorpe United player within the next 24 hours." As ever, the Diary is inclined to believe what comes out of Riby Square, where they have at least squeezed a quote from Grovesie. "Someone has put two and two together and made five," explains yer man, undoubtedly casting a glance towards the GTFC accounts department.

Wednesday 18 February
If I were to tell you that the Telegraph has given Town a good write-up, you'd probably laugh in my face and cry: "Ha! Yeah, and Channel 4 make some really intelligent television programmes!" But if I were then to reply: "No, not the Grimsby Telegraph � the Daily Telegraph!" you would doubtless respond: "Oh, really? Let's have a look. Sorry for laughing at you. I'll never do it again." For 'tis true: the right-wing broadsheet beloved of retired colonels and country landowners has words of consolation for the Mariners after last night's 2-1 defeat to Bristol City, which is nice, because when there are hardly any games and a reporter has to go to Grimsby, they're normally dead sarky about it. "Despite lapses in defence Grimsby had played magnificently," writes the Telegraph's Peter Keeling, who also quotes Robins boss Danny Wilson: "Grimsby may be desperately close to the relegation zone, but we will not have many tougher games than this all season." So that's something, isn't it? And hey, what did you expect? City had won nine on the trot and in any case birds fly, fish swim, Graham Taylor says: "Very much so," and Town lose games in hand.

If you haven't already seen, then, a 31st-minute Iain Anderson penalty equalised Lee Miller's early strike for the visitors from a poorly defended corner, and Town came within an ace of snatching the lead as Stuart Campbell hit the post before Bristol nabbed it through Aaron Brown with just two minutes of normal time remaining, breaking the hearts of most of the 5,272 in attendance (a big crowd in the context of this season, swollen by the massed ranks of free children). Look out for Tony Butcher's match report here on Cod Almighty later today. Grezz will have to keep Mark Hughes' champagne on ice, as Darren Barnard didn't pull through � and remains a doubt for this Saturday's trip to Colchester, along with Stacy Coldicott, Jason Crowe, Simon Ford and Iain Anderson. Fan-bleedin'-tastic. BBC Humber, meanwhile, runs a picture of Aidan Davison alongside Rodge's post-match comments, with the caption "Aiden Davison: Sent off in the last minute". Wrong spelling, wrong match, otherwise excellent.

Peter Furneaux and the directors appear to be giving the caretaker management team of Greonardo La Rodgiste and Neil Woods the green light to carry on for a little bit, posting a statement on their website, don't you know, that says they haven't actually advertised for a new team boss. "We are extremely pleased with Graham and Neil," quoth the GTFC chairdude. "Let's now give them a go and see what they can achieve." The precise duration of their "go" is not specified, as in they're not being given the job until the end of the season or anything like that, but the much improved performances in the two games of their tenure thus far have clearly tempted the powers that be to see if they can keep it going.

"As the font of all wisdom," writes Rachael Pullen flatteringly to the Diary, "is it true that Groves is in 'talks' with Scunthorpe? My sad sister who is deluded into thinking SUFC are a good team rang to say that she thought Scunthorpe are on the verge of signing him!" Well, Rach, that eejit of a manager who is somehow still clinging to a job at Fortress Glanford has gone public with his belief that PG would be just the man to shore up his midfield in the struggle to preserve league status, but as far as the Diary is aware, it is yet to go any further than that. So no talks, although the Town board would doubtless jump at the chance to get their fallen idol off the payroll and away from the club. Sad, isn't it.

Tuesday 17 February
"Boulding released by Wales," reads the first of the notes I have made in preparation for today's Diary, so what a good job I've got my head screwed on and realised my mistake before making a complete arse of myself. It is, of course, Darren Barnard who has been allowed by the Welsh manager Mark Hughes to return to Blundell Park for tonight's encounter with Bristol City, which is excellent news for Mariner types because (a) Bristol City are quite good; and (b) Town haven't got any other left-backs. I dunno who this Boulding character might be. The entirely predictable bad news is that Daz the Baz is a fitness doubt, according to the club's official site, along with Stacy Coldicott and Lee Thorpe.

What of the visitors? If you're quick enough you can get a look at Simon Wilson's preview before it gets edited (you'll know from whether the word 'rhetorical' is spelt correctly in the fourth line), and as for team news the BBC reports that "Clayton Fortune remains their only injury doubt with an ankle problem." The Grimsby Telegraph begs to differ, averring that "Danny Wilson's side could be without left-back Matthew Hill, who picked up a knock in the 1-0 win over Peterborough at the weekend." Who to believe? Well, Stuart Rowson wasn't mentioned in the Hutton Report last time I looked.

If the answer is Glenn Cockerill then the question must surely be: "Who is the man named in today's instalment of the Telegraph's 'guess the new Town manager' project?" The popular local newspaper, after kicking off with Keith Alexander and then pondering Graham Rodger, is today talking Cockers senior, probably because everyone else had forgotten about him until now. The Grimsby-born former Southampton midfielder is currently cutting his managerial teeth � urrgh! � at Woking, who are mid-table in the Conference but three places above Nigel Clough's Burton Albion. "Rodger is refusing to comment on his obvious desires for the full-time manager's job," adds the Telegraph in its preview of tonight's match, though, so presumably his head glows maroon when you mention it, or something.

Speaking of Rodger, which we seem to be, Town's unreasonably maligned caretaker manager has taken a step downwards in the Diary's estimation since earning a gold star for the weekend's Coldicott/canine metaphor. His predecessor Mr Paul Groves may have suffered from a curious aversion to personal pronouns ("Chris Thompson has done Chris Thompson's chances no harm out there and if Chris Thompson wants a regular place then Chris Thompson will have to keep playing like Chris Thompson did today") but at least knew his limitations, whereas Golden Graham today attempts a little metalinguistic analysis only to fall flat on his arse. "There was a lot of commitment, a lot of desire and a lot more of those adjectives spring to mind," he says of last Saturday's win over Brighton, and he can win all the games he likes but the Diary won't support him until he's done some revision.

In other news, BBC Humber has Grezbo Rodge musing over what to do about Aidan Davison's red card the other day (three match-ban ahoy; no chance of appeal being upheld); the Telegraph is saying Alan Pouton has "hit out at the Grimsby Town bosses" but if you read the piece he has done no such thing; and Loughborough Mariner has emailed the Diary to ask: "What about Tony Ford for manager? What's he doing now after Steve Parkin got sacked from Barnsley?" He's back at Rochdale with Parkin, LM, and we have to have an experienced Lennie Lawrence type this time, anyway � it's the law � although I can't help wondering whether he could do a job as an emergency left-back.

Finally, if you're struggling to get pregnant, then remember that every responsible adult attending tonight's match gets a free child.

Monday 16 February
Graham "Rodgers" Rodger's stock has risen in the Grimsby Telegraph's manager prediction game after Saturday's 2-1 win over Brighton. Keith Alexander's name was the one on Riby Square lips last week, but after the Lincoln board moved quickly to wave a new contract at him and Town overcame official ineptitude at the weekend to record a first victory for two and a bit months (as opposed to the four months claimed in today's Telegraph), the paper is today discussing the possibility of Grezza's caretakership extending to a permanent appointment. Chairman Pete has declared that 30 applications have so far been received, including CVs from former Oldham and Huddersfield manager Mick Wadsworth and one-time Mariners hero Kevin Drinkell, who always applies for it, and once got Stirling Albion promoted but never quite cracked it with Montrose. Alan Buckley's pride has so far prevented him from applying, and the Telegraph says Nicky Law was sighted in the Upper Stones on Saturday. Cod Almighty would oppose the appointment of the latter on the grounds that the entire population of North East Lincolnshire would call him "Laws," bringing back far too many very bad memories.

After frequently lamenting the blandness of Paul Groves' pre- and post-match interviews, the Diary is encouraged to note the more enlightening nature of Rodger's utterances either side of Saturday's game. "We told the players that football is not a job, it is your life," says the arbitrarily disliked Town coach by way of explanation for his players' improved performance, "and we wanted them to play for their lives." Almost Shanklyesque, that one. The fledgling GTFC manager displays a useful grasp of metaphor, furthermore, in justifying the inclusion of a less than fit Stacy Coldicott. "We needed to keep the game tight and I wanted my yard dog out there," says Grezza, perhaps inspired by the canine kidnap antics that recently propelled the midfielder into the Redditch media spotlight. "If you come into Stacy's yard then he's going to bite you." I like this!

What else? By now you have probably read the sad news of Bill Carr's death last week, and the altogether cheerier tidings that Mr Furneaux has administered a valedictory slagging-off to the treacherous Michael Boulding, who left the Mariners for Barnsley last week only a week after pledging his immediate future to the club. "Michael was part of the side that underperformed," points out the chairman in the weekend's Sports Telegraph. "No-one has pointed the finger at any one player but everyone has to take responsibility for Paul Groves's going." Quite right too. Town and the Grimbo Telegraph are doing their bit to combat child obesity by offering kids cheap hot dogs at tomorrow night's "child free game" against Bristol City (I know there's no hyphen there, but calling it that could still be misleading), and, er, here are some plates.

"Painstaking research on t'internet has led me to the conclusion that the new manager may almost possibly be one of the following: John Barnes, John Cockerill, Glenn Cockerill, Roy Evans, Steve Cotterill, Ron Atkinson, Lou Macari, Trevor Francis, Ray Mathias, John Ward, Nigel Clough, Paul Wilkinson, Bruce Rioch, Nigel Spackman, Lawrie McMenemy, Roland Nilsson, John Beck, Chris Nicholl, Kevin Wilson, Alan Buckley, Keith Alexander, Alan Smith, Alan Cork, Brian Laws, Nicky Law, Steve Wignall, David Batty, Ray Graydon, John Aldridge, Terry Dolan, Paul Hart, Brian Horton, Andy Ritchie, Bill Dearden, Ivano Bonetti, Graham Rix, Steve Kember, Paul Brush, Kenny Swain, Martin Wilkinson, Carlton Palmer, Graham Rodger, Tony Cottee or Kevin Drinkell," writes Mark Stilton in an email to the Diary. "You heard it here first." Word on the streets is that he will also have two eyes. Which at least rules out Arsene Wenger.

Saturday 14 February
Steve Livingstone and Paul Raven can rest assured in the knowledge that they left Grimsby for a bigger club after Carlisle United, sitting pretty at the very bottom of the Football League, draw a crowd almost twice the size of Town's. The Cumbrians' 1-1 draw with Hull is watched by 7,176 fans, while Mariners supporters display that famous old indomitable spirit and commitment to their club as 3,673 shuffle into Blundell Park for a 2-1 win over Brighton. A much altered Town side takes an early lead as debutant Isaiah Rankin converts a Darren Mansaram cross only for Trevor Benjamin to equalise on 18 minutes. Apparent midfield talisman Stacy Coldicott is taken off at half time but Phil Jevons, on as a 67th-minute substitute, barges Seagulls keeper Stuart Jones over the line for the winner - or gets to the ball first, depending on your point of view - with 15 minutes remaining. A last-minute fracas sees Aidan Davison sent off for an alleged headbutt but emergency replacement Des Hamilton is untroubled for the dying seconds. Other results keep Town in 20th place but the brown trouser margin is extended to four points. Paul Groves is not among the matchday 16; nor, interestingly, is Lee Thorpe.

Friday 13 February
"One hundred thousand lemmings can't be wrong". Or so the urban legend says, and the average Town fan seems to be thinking more about a drive out to the Humber Bridge, than a visit to Blundell Park this Saturday. But, just think, there's still well over a season left before we start having to consider life in the Conference. So your Guest Diarist's advice is to keep smiling, and spend the rest of the day practicing "GrahamRodgersblackandwhitearmy". Hmm...the first thing you notice is that his name has the right number of syllables: an omen perhaps? Well it will be if he gets a result tomorrow, you mark my words.

In more normal times I'd be thinking that prospects for points on Saturday were looking optimistic. The Seagulls have an even worse away record than Town this season overall, and have only won 5 out of a possible 21 away since Mr. McGhee took over. They have also got a few injuries, the latest cry-off being influential defensive midfielder (and set piece expert) Paul Watson who has a poorly groin. And jeepers, creepers, keepers Kuipers and Ben Roberts are still definite non-starters. So third choice keeper Stuart Jones will be attracting the Pontoon catcalls. From what I hear the Seagulls fans aren't too keen on him either. John Piercey though is expected back in the side after missing a couple of games. Typically Leon Knight will miss the game after this one following his dismissal in the 2-0 defeat at Luton the other night.

And when you think Brighton this season, you automatically think about Knight. In a sentence, a pint-sized diver who scores goals. Lately he has been forging a partnership up front with Trevor Benjamin on loan from Leicester. Given our defensive frailty (Town have conceded three or more goals on no less than ten occasions this season) the choice of centre halves tomorrow will be crucial. If Crane plays then Knight will get a penalty. Having said that, the ref rumbled our Leon on Tuesday night, as he got his first booking for a dive in the box. If Edwards and Ford play together I think it will be equally scary. Good job I'm not the manager, eh? Still, it could be worse - look at the problems Man Utd are having sorting out their centre-backs!

As for our new strike force, we shall have to see, won't we? I just feel a bit sorry for all the Town kids who are looking for a hero. But I won't go on at you about that today - needs must I suppose. The one thing I do know is that, although Boulding's finishing has been better this season, his electrifying pace has gone, and I reckon the Tykes will be as pleased with him as they were with Kevin Donovan. It won't be long, at this rate, before the hacks refer to him as 'the much-traveled Michael Boulding'.

Thanks to all who proffered advice ahead of our Whitby excursion. However with the benefit of experience I can now give you the real scoop on eating and drinking in that town. The local fishermen drink Sam Smiths at �1.27 a pint in the Jolly Sailors, the Tap and Spile don't keep their ale very well, but there's a good atmosphere with local singers in the Black Horse. The best and cheapest haddock and chips are to be had at Alexander's, and Partner's kippers are bloody lovely. Smashing all round and a thoroughly recommended place for a break. I love the seaside out of season.

If you'd logged in to this page looking for breaking news, well there doesn't really seem to be any. I won't speculate on the manager hunt, because I don't know anything. Someone said Ceefax had reported Carlton Palmer as admitting he'd applied, but I can't find it this morning. The Premiership player signing as promised the other day on the official site hasn't happened yet. Anyway, it's probably only Danny Coyne, so don't get your hopes up too high. It's already half twelve and I can't be arsed to wait for the Telegraph any longer, so you'll have to look yourselves. Keep the faith, see yer.

Thursday 12 February
"The lunatics are taking over the asylum," writes Keith Collins in an email to the Diary: in the subject line of his email, to be precise, and because there is no body text we can assume that he is either satirising spam or referring to the sale of Michael Boulding. For Mick has gone to Barnsley after all, for an undisclosed fee (�50,000, presumably), after lodging a transfer request following the sacking of Paul Groves. Blimey, it's like Pandora's Box, innit. Or summat. So, er, that's that then. The Grimsby Telegraph is doing the requisite "crisis deepens... string of hammer blows" type stuff (those pesky strings of hammer blows, eh) but is the Diary alone in suggesting that this doesn't necessarily guarantee relegation given the player's patchy recent form? Ow! Pack it in! That hurts!

Meanwhile another quick striker, Isiaiaiaiah Rankin, has switched the other way, by which I mean he has joined Town on a month's loan from the Tykes, not that he's just come out or anything like that. Rankin began his career with Arsenal � so he must be good, right? � before a �1.3m move to Bradford in 1998, but let's not hold that against him. Loans to Bolton and Birmingham preceded his transfer to Barnsley for �350,000 of the money that wasn't theirs to spend and that they don't even have to pay back now. The player is expected to line up alongside Lee Thorpe in a new-look frontline for Saturday's meeting with Brighton, and if you can tell the Diary how many strikers the Mariners will have used this season after that, then I might buy you a chocolate biscuit. Town reckon they're about to bring in a Premiership player as well, but I shall have to leave that to Guest Diary tomorrow, who I hope has returned from Whitby with feet and neck intact.

TOWN RULE OUT ANDERSON, reads a headline on BBC Humber Sport, which, needless to say, refers to a story that the Mariners might not be bringing in Keith Alexander as the new manager. For fuck's sake. The Diary understands, in any case, that big Keith is on the brink of signing a new contract with Lincoln. There, I've saved you the bother.

With strikers turning up at Blundell Park like impoverished ne'er-do-wells around the Mercedes that just parked on their estate, the chances of Jonny Rowan � remember him? � making a first-team comeback look increasingly slim. His case has not been harmed, however, by both goals for the reserves in yesterday's 2-2 draw at Darlington, in which Stacy Coldicott returned to action, of a sort, and Des Hamilton appears from the teamsheet to have played in defence. Like, what-ev-er. Oh, and Wes Parker was playing his first game, says the Telegraph, since apparently collapsing in training in December with a kidney problem. Don't you just love the way the club keeps us informed with these things? Mr and Mrs Parker, if you're reading, I'm sure it's nothing to worry about.

Good news for, well, everyone with a functional soul and mind and something of a feeling for football. Town's trip south to face Colchester, which had been switched from Saturday 21 to Friday 20 February for no reason at all, has now been put back to the Saturday, for the rather good reason that Colchester are still in the FA Cup, apparently. And jolly good for them.

And that is all from your regular reprobate regurgitator of GTFC-flavoured news cocktails until Saturday night. I'm going to get drunk with my brothers, one of whose bedroom today's Diary is brought to you from. Bye!

Wednesday 11 February
Paul Groves is unlikely to add to his total of, er, bloody loads of appearances for the Mariners after asking the PFA to negotiate a release from the remaining 18 months of his playing contract, reports BBC Humber. It was announced after Groves's removal from his management job on Monday that he would remain on the playing staff at Blundell Park, under his erstwhile assistant boss Graham Rodger, but with PG having decided, as did many fans, that this was an idea downloaded from the Ludicrous Notions section of the website risible-initiatives.com, it looks like the end of the end. The Grimsby Telegraph takes this cue to mischievously speculate that the outgoing Town manager could follow that well-trodden path from Cleethorpes to the elephants' graveyard of Glanford Park and turn out for our little friends at Scunny. And who knows? Perhaps he might. That's 'outgoing' as in he isn't Town manager any more, not as in his personality. Which was part of the problem, really.

The only man to have played for Grimsby more times than Groves, John McDermott, has been "handed a boost by surgeons", who have told him that his hernia will not need an operation after all, the words 'after all' sufficing to imply that an operation had earlier been deemed necessary and rendering this entire clause redundant. Oh well. Town's long-serving right-back, who is thought unlikely to succeed Groves as the club's management requirements pendulum swings back to 'experience' for this appointment, will still have to take it easy for a bit but "is determined to be back in the Mariners' side soon", says the club's official site. Yay.

Keith Alexander's prospects continue to be talked up by the Telegraph. "I haven't spoken to anyone at Grimsby but I've been in football long enough to know that things can change quickly," says the Lincoln boss, not exactly playing down the possibility of a fire/frying pan job change. "Alan Buckley is out of a job," continues Big Keef, though, as if suddenly remembering that the financial situation at BP scarcely betters his straitened circumstances at Sincil Bank. "He'll probably get it. He'll work for nothing, and he's really nice and everything. Never forgets your birthday. Not like me. I'm a right rotten sod. Ooh, is that the time? I have to go and, er, stand over there."

"It's all well and good everyone calling for Alexander to get the manager's job," writes Mark Stilton, "but do you think Gretna will be willing to let him go with their current form? What? Oh, Keith, right, sorry..." And your emails continue to pour in, if you can imagine a quantity of non-verbal communication encoded as a sequence of electronic pulses pouring; if not, then it's just a crap metaphor. "Surely if Groves plays on Saturday with Rodger in the dugout then NOTHING HAS CHANGED," thunders Paul Thundercliffe. "When he was the manager but played didn't Grezzer manage anyway? Very badly? Fucking dickheads. The lot of 'em. Including those advocating such managerial brilliance as Nicky Law. And including any deluded fool that actually wants the job. As the annoying bloke in the Findus shouts � WEK UP!" Blimey, is he still there? Keith Collins, finally, points up an error in the Gy Telegraph's account of Groves' valedictory drubbing at Boundary Park. "Town re-jigged to a 3-4-3 after the break," he quotes. "Does that mean we had no goalie as at the time we only had ten 'boys'. 0 out of ten for counting!" Well, it would explain a lot, Keith.

Tuesday 10 February
"The decision wasn't up for discussion before and it came about because we needed a way forward and we weren't getting a way forward that would turn it around." Is it just me, or does it sound like Peter Furneaux and the GTFC directors were sitting around the table at their emergency board meeting yesterday morning, wondering what it is that football clubs do when the team is playing like they've bet against themselves and the coaching staff have clearly run out of ideas, and one of them said: "Well... no, this is going to sound crazy... but we could always... maybe... try a new manager...?" and all the rest of them started up sharply, shocked expressions slowly but inevitably being replaced by looks of approval, as if they d point in all that old versus new technology comparison lark was, but there you go. One player who might not turn out for the Latics is Calvin Zola who is hamstrung.

Oldham manager John Sheridan tells the Manchester Evening News that he wants his players to start taking their chances and pull away from the relegation zone. As is the norm for opposition managers, Sheridan casts jealous eyes over Town's squad, before noting "Grimsby...like to play football, which should suit us." Yes, playing another football team sometimes helps, John. Incidentally, the bottom of the MEN's preview carries the line "Last season: Different divisions" which is an album title if ever I've seen one. And if you've seen any more potential album titles you might fancy dropping them the Diary's way.

Closer to home, Town manager Paul 'Grovesie' Groves says his boys want to win for the 1,500 Town fans who will be at Boundary Park on Sunday. The club, you see, have shifted theg sacked him just as a kind of wild, spur-ofhave all gone to Town fans, and all of those Town fans are going to turn up aren't they? In what should be a cutting jibe at the other-worldly atmosphere at Blundell Park these days (that other world being Pluto), Groves comments "it's always good to play in front of a full house wherever it is. So it's one to look forward to." He continues: "Hopefully we can get a positive result from it as well." Could be an idea, Paul, otherwise I can see elements of the Town support imagining the front page of Monday's Grimsby Telegraph carrying a picture of your face under the headline THE FACE OF EVIL. Maybe.

The Riby Square hacks also decide to extend a warm, welcoming hand to Town's new loan signing Lee Thorpe with a story titled IT'S WELCOME TO (C)LEE THORPE!. A story which bears an uncanny resemblance to another story from 30 January called IT'S WELCOME TO (C)LEE THORPE!... Good to see the boys and girls at the GET are taking their rno contact with Gillingham over Alan Pouton'pare minute you might want to check out Marcel Cas's replacement in the paper's Matchday supplement. And, no, they haven't given Cod Almighty's Pete Green a whole page to fill with his ramblings.

Over at an Oldham fans message board one Town fan claims "we have a lot of half time supporters here at Grimsby". We'll see if these people are still fans of a fifteen-minute break after they have suffered at the hands of Pop Idol's Jodie Connor on Sunday. Note to the club's commercial department: forget Atomic Kitten; isn't it time we unleashed Kim Gee at Blundell Park? Anyway, if you want more on Sunday's game there's a thorough preview here.

In other news, Kenny Dalglish has chosen Ernie Cooksey's rasping goal - Oldham's second - in the thrilling 3-3 draw with Town on Boxing Day as his goal of December for Granada TV's Soccer Sunday. Talking of Dalglish, how the hell did that miserable git spawn something as lovely as his daughter Kelly?

If there's anyone in Grimsby who still likes to spend their afternoon supporting their local team tickets are now on sale for Grimsby Town's next home against Brighton, a week on Saturday. At least turn up to support the Cod Almighty Blundell Babes who will be mascots for the game. And there's a reminder that the game against Bristol City has been rearranged for February 17 and tickets for that are also on sale, with two kids getting in for free with a full paying adult in any stand.

Righty ho. Time for me to clear off. If you're going to the game, maybe I'll see you there or even in the Old Grey or your deepest wishes, in case they come trf="mailto:simon@codalmighty.com">drop me an email if you fancy a pre-match chin-wag. Ciao.

Thursday 5 February
Date: Wed, 4 Feb 2004 15:49:46 -0500 (EST)
From: "secretelizabeth2003"
To: diary@codalmighty.com
Subject: Fw:look,my beautiful girl friend

And that's it. No "beautiful girl friend"; no saucy link; not even any body text at all, in fact. Honestly � there's just no quality control on spam these days, is there.

As you've probably gathered by now, news concerning Grimsby Town Mariners Soccer Society is a bit thin on the ground again, today's lead story being that the ticket office has managed to give away all 1,500 free tickets for Sunday's visit to Oldham, who are letting everyone in gratis just to celebrate being alive, and I think there's a message there for all of us. The Telegraph hasn't updated its sports headlines yet, the sun has gone back in, and I need to finish the lyrics for a new song before tonight's gig.

With the club's official website revealing only the bare fact of Groves' dismissal, it falls to the Telegraph to announce Graham Rodger's appointment as caretaker manager until a 'permanent' replacement can be found. One name bound to be in the frame is Alan "Shake hands with that Grimsby lot? You must be joking!" Buckley, widely held to be the most successful manager in GTFC history, but not universally admired by fans, probably because most of them are secretly happiest when Town are doing badly, so they can have a bloody good moan. Although Al is out of a job after leaving/being sacked by Rochdale in December (delete according to who you believe), the irascible midlander is thought to have burned his bridges with the Mariners when his Lincoln side visited BP in an ill-humoured 2001 League Cup tie. Speaking of the Imps, Big Keef has just returned to health and work after the life-threatening aneurysm he suffered last year, and a switch up the A46 for him would put a smile as wide as the Humber estuary on the Diary's pretty little face, but it is a moot point whether Alexander's frail constitution could withstand the strain of managing Grimsby.

And Macca would just be like Groves again, wouldn't he? Readers, it is vital at this time of upheaval and tumult that we remain close and able to offer mutual support. Email diary@codalmighty.com with your thoughts on Groves' departure and his potential replacement, and in particular, be sure to keep your eyes peeled for the most stupidly over-ambitious irony-free messageboard suggestion you can find: Peter Reid, Glenn Hoddle, that sort of thing. Today's Diary was brought to you by Belle and Sebastian, Interpol, Galaxie 500, The Radio Dept, Jeffrey Lewis and We've Got A Fuzzbox And We're Gonna Use It. Queueing up your whole mp3 collection in Winamp and putting it on random play is bloody great. I'm off out for a walk. Keep watching the skies.

Sunday 8 February
Paul Groves' career as Grimsby manager looks about as secure as Town's second division status after another outrageous shafting leaves the side one point and one place above the relegation zone. Oldham whizz to a 5-0 lead by half time, aided by the 44th-minute sending off of Michael Edwards, and any thoughts of a Man City-style comeback dissipate as the only goal of the second half comes from the Latics' not-hamstrung Calvin Zola five minutes from time. Lee Thorpe will now presumably be checking the traffic news as he prepares to leg it back down the A1, and the Diary is wondering why in the name of all that is holy I had to be born in Grimsby.

Oh, and thanks to whoever wrote Friday's Diary.

Friday 6 February
And a very good afternoon to you, dear reader. Are you sitting comfortably? Then we shall begin.

The olde world of the printed press carries news that Oldham's Les Pogliacomi and Paul Murray are on their way to Crystal Palace, but only after they've taken part in Sunday's game. Meanwhile, Oldham, taking advantage of the latest InterWeb technology, have let it be be known that Pogliacomi has rejected the move. Whichever way you look at it, the two players will be turning out for Oldham on Sunday, so, er, I'm not quite sure what the point in all that old versus new technology comparison lark was, but there you go. One player who might not turn out for the Latics is Calvin Zola who is hamstrung.

Oldham manager John Sheridan tells the Manchester Evening News that he wants his players to start taking their chances and pull away from the relegation zone. As is the norm for opposition managers, Sheridan casts jealous eyes over Town's squad, before noting "Grimsby...like to play football, which should suit us." Yes, playing another football team sometimes helps, John. Incidentally, the bottom of the MEN's preview carries the line "Last season: Different divisions" which is an album title if ever I've seen one. And if you've seen any more potential album titles you might fancy dropping them the Diary's way.

Closer to home, Town manager Paul 'Grovesie' Groves says his boys want to win for the 1,500 Town fans who will be at Boundary Park on Sunday. The club, you see, have shifted their full allocation of tickets, so they must have all gone to Town fans, and all of those Town fans are going to turn up aren't they? In what should be a cutting jibe at the other-worldly atmosphere at Blundell Park these days (that other world being Pluto), Groves comments "it's always good to play in front of a full house wherever it is. So it's one to look forward to." He continues: "Hopefully we can get a positive result from it as well." Could be an idea, Paul, otherwise I can see elements of the Town support imagining the front page of Monday's Grimsby Telegraph carrying a picture of your face under the headline THE FACE OF EVIL. Maybe.

The Riby Square hacks also decide to extend a warm, welcoming hand to Town's new loan signing Lee Thorpe with a story titled IT'S WELCOME TO (C)LEE THORPE!. A story which bears an uncanny resemblance to another story from 30 January called IT'S WELCOME TO (C)LEE THORPE!... Good to see the boys and girls at the GET are taking their recycling policy seriously. If you've got a sr>
"This thing about 'Lee Thorpe' becoming 'Cleethorpes' with a letter at either side of his name," writes a Diary reader. "Coincidentally, I noticed the same thing at the weekend regarding electropoppy composer Vangelis and the word 'evangelist'. Not as apposite or exciting as the one about Town's striker, but it still works. Have any Diary readers got such names? I have. Yours, Mr Ucking Cun."

On a less profane but ultimately more wholesome final note, John Arrand has emailed with a series of pub 'n' grub (heh heh, that rhymes!) recommendations for Guest Diary, who is this week hauling his progeny around Whitby. "I read last night in the Rough Guide to England that the Tap and Spile (near Trenchers and the train station) is a popular real ale haunt in Whitby. Middle Earth, which is on the same street as the Duke of York but down the other way, is also supposed to be good. For eating I can recommend the White Horse and Griffin � fantastic gourmet fish dishes � and the Magpie Caf� is great for fish and chips. Trenchers is also supposed to be good." Marvellous stuff, John; I will thank you on Guest Diary's behalf, and only hope the information superhighway extends to the North Yorkshire coast so that he can actually read all this stuff.elsewhere on thisebruary
Having just got absolutely trolleyed in three different cities in three nights, my body is telling me today that you can have too much of a good thing. And Paul Groves seems to agree with it: after stating last week that not having to play football very much was a good way for his football players to get better at playing football, his team has today been hosting a behind-closed-doors friendly against third division neighbours Boston, lest they forget what that round white thing lying on the grass is for. The 'under-fire' Town boss contacted his Pilgrims counterpart Neil Thompson over the weekend to suggest the practice match after both clubs saw fixtures rained off. "Their pitch is supposed to be OK after the downpour," says Thompson in the Lincolnshire Echo, "and it is a decent surface to play on anyway." I dunno the result or owt, cos there's nothing about it on Town's website yet, but the Grimbo Tello says this Thorpe character was "making his unofficial Town debut". Oh, and hiMare beforehand. In fact,
In other news today, John McDermott's return to action has been put back by a week to the middle of March because the surgeon is going away on holiday and Macca didn't like the look of the kid from Pertemps; the final few weeks of Jarvis' sponsorship before Young's takes over are heralded by the club shop doing a two-for-one deal on replica shirts; and Nick Daws apparently calls fans "speccies". Without the Telegraph explaining that last one, the Diary would have assumed that Town's experienced loan midfielder was referring to all the opticians in the Main Stand.

Warmest thanks go to my guest/substitute/apprentice diarist for filling in here last Friday in the alarmingly efficient manner of a Mike Edwards to my Simon Ford. Wor22http://www.grimsby-townfc.premiumtv.coably, slung us a vitriolic email taking issue with Guest Diary for describing the languid scouser's new role as "non-scoring midfielder" � five goals in eight games are all very well, but the white boots still look like a hand-me-down from Don Johnson in Miami Vice � and Miles Moss has come forward with a Whitby pub recommendation. The Duke of York, he says, is "a great pub... it's on the Abbey side of the bridge, and some seats look out onto the harbour (although you have to get in pretty early to nab one of those). The ale is real (they do a wonderful pint of draught Black Sheep), and the food's pretty damn tasty too." Thoughtful Mr Moss even provides a Multimap link for Guest Diary's convenience. While we're at it, then, can anyone recommend a good B&B in Cleethorpes for the forthcoming Cod Almighty editorial board meeting? We would appreciate vegetarian breakfast options and scant regard for alcohol licensing regulations.

Dentists. Sorry.hospice is. Turning in desperation to TeAmTAlktet@we find an unsourced Paul Groves quote denying the suggestion in yesterday's Diary that Kevin Donovan would come back to BP now that Marcel Cas has gone. Ha, joking! Got you! Oh, and it's Wednesday, so Hull are signing a new striker.

Guest Diary has emailed to say: "Please pass on thanks to everyone. We arrive in Whitby on Wednesday so the advice came nicely in time. I am taking my drinking trousers, and a spanky new pair of shoes bought in Lidl this very morning." Which, if you haven't been reading the Diary since last Friday, would seem almost as peculiar as today's other arrival in my inbox, to wit: "To: 'Stevens, Jan' My name is Ernie, I may not have the right email address, if not please excuse my intrusion. I understand that you may be interested in some web design work for your company. If so here are some samples, click the link below to see my portfolio." Given that diary@codalmighty.com has existed only for a matter of days, Ern, one must pay tribute to your promptness while lamenting your judgement.

Tuesday 3 February
When the top bods at FIFA aren't inventing ludicrous new cup competitions or fixing up lucrative football sponsorship deals for their own companies, there's nothing they enjoy better than pointless tinkering with eligibility regulations, and Darren Barnard's international career could be over now that one such alteration has allowed Wales to call up Leicester left-back Ben Thatcher � a former captain of the England under-21 side. The Welsh FA has announced its squad for the friendly with Scotland on 18 February, and the Town defender retains his place, but with all those recent "hey, they have to use a Grimsby player, but they're still quite good" angles fresh in Mark Hughes's mind Barnard may well be denied the chance to add to his 19 caps. "We need as many Premiership players as possible," says Hughes, disappointingly appearing to buy into the bullshit that surrounds England's top division. I mean it's not like Thatcher's any good, is it. Wales will discover this afternoon, meanwhile, that UEFA will still allow Russia to play in Euro 2004 instead of them, despite midfielder Igor Titov failing a drugs test after the first leg of November's play-off between the two nations. Well, have you seen the size of Russia and the size of Wales?

The GTFC directors' wish for Paul Groves to play less and manage more may soon be granted, their fairy godmother being Stacy Coldicott, who is reported by BBC Humber to be ready for some kind of run-out for the reserves (and receives the obligatory extra 'e' in his first name into the bargain). "He's getting to the stage where he's wanting to play in some sort of competitive game, or practice game," says the Town boss. "It's not one we want to rush, but if we can get him back that'll be a bonus. How much are those new Predators, by the way?"

Stacy's return from that busted leg has come too late for an appearance in yesterday's hastily arranged friendly with Lincolnshire neighbours Boston, but promising Premiership youngster Lee Thorpe made his Mariners debut in a (presumably dour) goalless draw. Town's best chance fell to Phil Jevons, who ought to have put it away from close range but instead strengthened his claim on the old 'scorer of great goals not a great goalscorer' tag by dobbing it up a right treat. Fondly remembered Blundell Park alumni Ben Chapman and Steve Croudson returned to their venue of former stomps, while the Grimsby Telegraph hails Thorpe as looking "like a striker from the Alan Buckley school with his ability on the ball." That'll be one goal every 29.3 matches then.

The postponement without which yesterday's kickabout would not have been possible has been resolved, with Bristol City now scheduled to make the daunting long journey north on a weeknight (and east, but that doesn't sound quite as daunting): Tuesday 17 February, to be precise. The club is still allowing two kids in free with every 'responsible' adult, as was planned for the original match, "and with it being half term, the club are expecting larger than average crowd," announces Town's eternally optimistic official website. With any luck, Mark Hughes will release Barnard from the Wales squad too.

Kevin Donovan is to follow Wayne Burnett back into footballing limbo after Rochdale decided not to retain the services of the former Town jellyfish. The player moved to Spotland on non-contract terms on 24 December, only for Alan Buckley to be ushered out of Lancashire while Father Christmas was still getting his breath back. Donovan made seven appearances for Dale but could now face a struggle to remain in the full-time game; although, thinking about it, Marcel Cas was still on Town's books when Kev left Barnsley.

"This thing about 'Lee Thorpe' becoming 'Cleethorpes' with a letter at either side of his name," writes a Diary reader. "Coincidentally, I noticed the same thing at the weekend regarding electropoppy composer Vangelis and the word 'evangelist'. Not as apposite or exciting as the one about Town's striker, but it still works. Have any Diary readers got such names? I have. Yours, Mr Ucking Cun."

On a less profane but ultimately more wholesome final note, John Arrand has emailed with a series of pub 'n' grub (heh heh, that rhymes!) recommendations for Guest Diary, who is this week hauling his progeny around Whitby. "I read last night in the Rough Guide to England that the Tap and Spile (near Trenchers and the train station) is a popular real ale haunt in Whitby. Middle Earth, which is on the same street as the Duke of York but down the other way, is also supposed to be good. For eating I can recommend the White Horse and Griffin � fantastic gourmet fish dishes � and the Magpie Caf� is great for fish and chips. Trenchers is also supposed to be good." Marvellous stuff, John; I will thank you on Guest Diary's behalf, and only hope the information superhighway extends to the North Yorkshire coast so that he can actually read all this stuff.

Monday 2 February
Having just got absolutely trolleyed in three different cities in three nights, my body is telling me today that you can have too much of a good thing. And Paul Groves seems to agree with it: after stating last week that not having to play football very much was a good way for his football players to get better at playing football, his team has today been hosting a behind-closed-doors friendly against third division neighbours Boston, lest they forget what that round white thing lying on the grass is for. The 'under-fire' Town boss contacted his Pilgrims counterpart Neil Thompson over the weekend to suggest the practice match after both clubs saw fixtures rained off. "Their pitch is supposed to be OK after the downpour," says Thompson in the Lincolnshire Echo, "and it is a decent surface to play on anyway." I dunno the result or owt, cos there's nothing about it on Town's website yet, but the Grimbo Tello says this Thorpe character was "making his unofficial Town debut". Oh, and his loan won't start properly until this Friday now, so that he can get an extra game in. I didn't realise you could do that. And, hey, if you put some letters either side of his name it spells 'Cleethorpes'.

In other news today, John McDermott's return to action has been put back by a week to the middle of March because the surgeon is going away on holiday and Macca didn't like the look of the kid from Pertemps; the final few weeks of Jarvis' sponsorship before Young's takes over are heralded by the club shop doing a two-for-one deal on replica shirts; and Nick Daws apparently calls fans "speccies". Without the Telegraph explaining that last one, the Diary would have assumed that Town's experienced loan midfielder was referring to all the opticians in the Main Stand.

Warmest thanks go to my guest/substitute/apprentice diarist for filling in here last Friday in the alarmingly efficient manner of a Mike Edwards to my Simon Ford. World-renowned Jevvophile Matt Winn has, inevitably, slung us a vitriolic email taking issue with Guest Diary for describing the languid scouser's new role as "non-scoring midfielder" � five goals in eight games are all very well, but the white boots still look like a hand-me-down from Don Johnson in Miami Vice � and Miles Moss has come forward with a Whitby pub recommendation. The Duke of York, he says, is "a great pub... it's on the Abbey side of the bridge, and some seats look out onto the harbour (although you have to get in pretty early to nab one of those). The ale is real (they do a wonderful pint of draught Black Sheep), and the food's pretty damn tasty too." Thoughtful Mr Moss even provides a Multimap link for Guest Diary's convenience. While we're at it, then, can anyone recommend a good B&B in Cleethorpes for the forthcoming Cod Almighty editorial board meeting? We would appreciate vegetarian breakfast options and scant regard for alcohol licensing regulations.

Dentists. Sorry.

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