Cod Almighty - Diary - February 2005

daily independent coverage of Grimsby Town FC

Diary - February 2005

Monday 28 February
Yes, all right, then � happy birthday Paul Groves and Dan Humphrey.

Forty-eight hours afterwards, it still looks like Town beat Yeovil on Saturday, and in attempting to explain the admittedly rather surprising decision of referee Darren Drysdale to refuse Phil Jevons' (or if you read the Sun, Bill Jevons') last-minute penalty appeal, the West Country press are lamely pointing out the official's Lincolnshire origins. And after their manager had been so generous too. Somerset conspiracy theorists are first of all overlooking the fact that Lincolnshire is a very big place, Mr Shadrack, and hence that Drysdale could equally have grown up supporting the Mariners' so-called deadly rivals Scunthorpe United (a theory that would certainly be buttressed by the succession of fouls he had already called against Town for seemingly clean tackles). Secondly, given even the proportion of Grimbarians who actually support Grimsby Town Football Club, you could put a man from Clee Road in charge of a game at BP and confidently expect any bias to favour the visitors.

Mr Russell Slade has, significantly, agreed with his Yeovil counterpart that the clue is in the title, and it helps when supporters actually support. The smooth-headed GTFC boss has told the Grimsby Telegraph: "I don't think it was just coincidence that we got the win after the fans got right behind us today. It was terrific to have that and it helped us sustain the pressure." Yes, that means you, Purple Pontoon Bloke. No more "what a load of rubbish", please, eh?

So they have to try and do it all again tomorrow night at Rochdale. Given that Martin Gritton � whose partnership with Michael Reddy goes from strength to strength � is likely to be unavailable with one of those suspicious unspecific 'illnesses' to which footballers are more than usually prone, we can only hope that it continues to snow in Lancashire and they don't get as far as 45 minutes this time before deciding to try again later. Should the elements be braved, he that is Sir John McDermott is likely to begin no closer to the action than the substitutes' bench, as Sorted It is "keen not to rush the veteran defender back into action" after hamstring stuff.

A Monday wooden spoon to Steven Sawyer, who reckons luscious Linsey is strutting her unsavoury stuff at Hainton Square, as David Jagger, Miles Moss and BaWB have all identified the location of the lass's naturist perambulations as the junction of Victoria Street South and Ellis Way, where that 'parkway' thing starts. David offers a link to some altogether more wholesome local photography; BaWB wonders why they couldn't have used a nice young girl with large firm breasts instead; and Miles, bless his heart, reckons "poor Linsey could do with a big plate of fish and chips." He fails to add, however, where's she gonna hold the ketchup.

Sunday 27 February
Well, if Town remembering yesterday how to pass a football doesn't warrant a quick Sunday Diary then I don't know what does.

If you didn't see the game and you've not read a report yet then you will be astonished to note not only the players' aforesaid recollection of the correct manner in which to convey an inflated sphere between themselves, but also the unexpected return of Terrell Forbes to his best pre-exoneration form, and... [pause for dramatic effect] ...Andy Parkinson brilliantly taking the ball past about five Yeovil players, without running into a single one of them, and hitting the thing into the goal and past the keeper, like on target and everything!

And here's a thing. Yeovil manager Gary Johnson apparently spoke at the post-match press conference about the palpable lift in the confidence of the Town players when the home support started, well, supporting them instead of booing when Terry Fleming fails to complete a pass. They may not have been his exact words, but that was the meaning all right. And what a meaning. Is there any chance we can keep it in mind up to and beyond the next home game, when Darlington come down on 19 March?

Speaking of, um, that part of the world, there's just about time for an email from Michael Shelton, currently exiled at the University of Durham, which "makes getting to home games not really an option," he reckons. Thank goodness for the internet, though, eh? "Luckily Mariners World means I can usually get commentary of the game (was it a penalty?)." You couldn't tell from the Ponny, Mikey... anyway... "Anyway, I went on the OS tonight to read the statistics from the game. According to the figures Town were caught offside 4 times, and committed 12 fouls, yet Yeovil had 18 free kicks. Now admittedly this isn't covered in my maths degree course, but I reckon something isn't right there." You're right, mate; Town only really committed about four fouls...

Get yer asses back here tomorrow lunchtime, then, when we will summarise your speculation as to the precise whereabouts of that unhealthy-looking nekkid lass in Grimsby and, now that the Mariners have remembered how to be any good, maybe even talk about football a bit as well. T'ra.

Friday 25 February
Leeds branch of Cod Almighty here to perform guest Diary duties today.

It seems that Positive John's meeting to plan next season (as revealed to Paul Thundercliffe) might have been a little too early: Tony Blair is promising to shift Town's budget goalposts for next season by declaring he will raise the minimum wage if he gets re-elected this year. Good news for any Town players next season: two games in seven days (or three hours of 'work') will reap them an extra 60 pence. Cor! More reason to remember the wise words of MJ Hibbett: pay day is the best day.

But less of the far future. What of tomorrow? Yeovil strut into town, fresh from beating Scunny 4-3. According to Russ Yeovil are confident, flying and full of energy: attributes you wouldn't associate with Town if you'd sat through the crap win over Chester on Tuesday. Macca and Jason Crowe are doubts for the game, although the Pope has passed a late fitness test this lunchtime.

Looking slightly further into local news? Ashley Sestanovich was driving very, very quickly and got caught, but he's not with us any more, who cares, etc etc. The Mariners Afloat campaign seems to have been ignored by the Grimmo Telegraph since its launch. North East Lincs council looking after Sure Start schemes by April 2008? Decentralising the control to the local council sounds a surefire case for negligence. And apparently the cost of Grimsby's Maxine Carr's anonymity is �50 million. See today's Grimmo Telegraph for plenty of OUTRAGED soundbites.

Ah well. At least the odds of Town beating Yeovil are 2/1 (or 3.00 if you prefer decimal odds; or +200 for our American cousins) on MarinersBet. Maybe a fiver on the win will bring a little joy to the Leeds office of Cod Almighty at 4:50 tomorrow.

Thursday 24 February
You don't get owt for nowt in this life, as Cynical Granny Diary used to say as she forced me at the point of a rolling pin to wash up after eight relatives in exchange for 10p to spend on Refreshers at the corner shop. How right she was, for it seems that watching Ronnie Bull for the rest of the season is the price Grimsby Town fans will have to pay for Russell Slade's latest addition to the squad, whoever that may turn out to be. As reported yesterday, Greg Young � the only left-sided defender on the books who isn't Ronnie Bull � is off to Halifax, and in confirming the news today Town's official site chooses wording that suggests his departure is a precondition to Sort It bringing in a new midfielder. Yeovil left-footer Adrian Caceres was rumoured the other day to be the man in the frame, but, y'know, he probably isn't.

Don't open this link if you're at work or your mum is looking over your shoulder or anything. Or, indeed, if you're having your dinner, for it will show you a not especially attractive young person who, for reasons best known to herself, is walking around Grimsby in the nud. But whereabouts in Grimsby? This is the concern � nay, obsession � of Diary reader Matt, who sent the link (perhaps wisely omitting his surname) with the question: "Can you identify the actual location? Is this (the more than appropriate) Riby Square?" Readers with looser morals and/or stronger constitutions are invited to email their speculations to diary@codalmighty.com. Well, as entertainment goes, it's slightly less ugly than watching Anthony Williams walloping a bag of wind 40 foot up in the air for an hour and a half. And believe me, I know.

I think it's Thursday but I'm not entirely sure. If it is then I'll bid you cheerio for the week. Cheerio.

Wednesday 23 February

53:13
Defending throw-in by Ben Davies (Chester).

52:31
Attacking throw-in by Jason Crowe (Grimsby).

52:20
Defending throw-in by Justin Whittle (Grimsby).

51:43
Attacking throw-in by Sean Hessey (Chester).

50:06
Goal kick taken long by Wayne Brown (Chester).

49:29
Goal kick taken long by Wayne Brown (Chester).

48:52
Defending throw-in by Jason Crowe (Grimsby).

48:33
Attacking throw-in by Sean Hessey (Chester).

48:16
Attacking throw-in by Sean Hessey (Chester).

48:03
Defending throw-in by Sean Hessey (Chester).

47:32
Attacking throw-in by Jason Crowe (Grimsby).

47:07
Defending throw-in by Sean Hessey (Chester).

If you didn't make it to the Town's game against Chester last night, and you're casting around on the internet to find out what it was like, then bear in mind that the above excerpt from the BBC's online text commentary grossly misrepresents the match. It was really much, much less interesting than that.

Before last night's game I believed it, and now I believe it even more. "What's that?" you're wondering. So I'll tell you: that as left-sided defenders go, the greatest use imaginable for Ronnie Bull would to make Tony Gallimore look adequate. "Ah, but we have a promising young left-sided defender on the books in the shape of Greg Young," you're thinking. "Surely Russ will realise now that to leave Bull in the side at Young's expense is folly of the highest order!" Oh, my poor, innocent reader; you reckon without today's news that Young has been told he can leave GTFC and is all set to join Darren Mansaram in the Halifax branch of the Unwisely Released Ex-Mariners Club.

One Town player recently set free to roam the Conference with much less regret than DazMaz is obscure midfielder Ashley Hildred, who has apparently played there for Hereford since his release by the Mariners last month. Hildo, as nobody ever called him to the best of the Diary's knowledge, is now on trial with Mr Russell Slade's former employers at Scarborough FC. It is my fond hope that in some small way, of which you may even remain unaware for many years, your life will be improved by this knowledge.

Tuesday 22 February
"It is a fine day in Cleethorpes with no lying snow at the moment," reported the front page of Town's official website this morning, next to a picture of Blundell Park covered in lying snow. Perhaps the snow was lying to the OS and told them it was actually cocaine, or bits of polystyrene; either way, it looks from this and the BBC Humber weather map like Town's home fixture against Chester this evening may go ahead despite white wintry precipitation affecting much of the rest of the UK.

Whether this is a good thing depends largely upon the two sides' injury lists, though also partly upon which side of bed the referee got out of, whether you actually like football, and quite possibly the price of fish as well. Jason Crowe, says the official site, is "struggling with score thighs", while the participation of John McDermott, Ronnie Bull, Graham Hockless and Justin Whittle is also uncertain. Ian Rush's fantastically brutal Chester side are also carrying a few knocks, and presumably looking to inflict one or two as well. "Grimsby can be a phsyical [sic.] side, so we will have to match them in that department," Rush has told his local paper the Daily Post, placing him in pole position for the 2005 Cheshire and North Wales Brass Neck Championship.

In summary, then, the Diary has a very strong suspicion that in around eight hours from now I will be wishing to high Heaven that I could be magically transported in an instant back to my lovely comfy sofa in my lovely warm house with Mrs Diary snuggling agreeably at my side, though not so energetically as to disturb the ample mug of steaming tea that she has just mashed and milked to perfection before placing in my hand. Oh God. Does anyone want a ticket?

Monday 21 February
Away with your trialist strikers from Stevenage and Hainton Avenue! It's time for a real signing! Mr Russell Slade and his boss Positive John Fenty may have all but given up on the current season for Grimsby Town FC � after all, there's only so positive you can be without looking silly � but this is the last season in which they'll be able to sign players when they actually need to, and so they might as well make the most of it. Accordingly, the Mariners' official website is trailing transfer activity in terms that are optimistic enough to suggest that you ought to subscribe to the club's text message news service but cautious enough to avoid you bringing action under the Trade Descriptions Act when Russ comes back from the market empty-handed. And any suggestion that the Diary opposes the transfer window system simply because it will deprive me of content for most of the season is as wide of the mark as a 40-yard free kick taken by Alan Pouton in a blindfold.

What does the whipround for Town's Tax Thing have in common with grievous bodily harm inflicted with a fork? I'll tell you: they are both multi-pronged assaults, and the Mariners' financial woes will not be alleviated by share purchases and Rumble Band gigs alone, as the club's official site has revealed that an equally crucial role will also be played by wristbands. They cost two quid, and if you want one then you can pre-order it now to beat the rush and receive one in two weeks' time when they're delivered from the factory. There aren't any photographs of them yet, and so the club is having to woo prospective wristband purchasers with a dazzling piece of marketing copy instead. "Up The Mariners Wristbands (UTM)," it says. Righto. Anything else? "They are Black and will have text UTM on them." Right. Well, ban me from Blundell Park and call me Mr Negative, but I think I'll wait for the photo.

As for the weekend, well, an away draw against a side that looks odds-on for automatic promotion is never a bad result � the contrast with Town's recent home form perhaps offering a message to the "what a load of rubbish" vocalists of the Pontoon � and it can be no coincidence that the Mariners' first clean sheet since 1978 coincided with the return to the team of Justin Whittle. Fresh from interviewing John Fenty last week, Paul Thundercliffe made it to the Vetch, and "managed to fit in the game around the Mumbles Mile and serious drinking games in Swansea on Saturday night. Took a load of non-Town fans. Luckily, the big Welsh fan who was a cross between Harry Secombe and Barry White (Barry Secombe?) ensured laughter whilst the shit game passed us by. His singing retorts were by far the most entertaining thing on offer. 'Bottom half? It's where we belong. Bottom half? It's where we belong.'" And there I was trying to see the cup as half full.

Ooh yeah � nearly forgot � they're doing two free kids again, against Chester tomorrow night. This may or may not be because the visitors will be bringing along a petulant brat of their own.

Sunday 20 February
Cod Almighty's Leeds office here for a quick Sunday update. The Diary is probably still in bed.

The continuation of the (baffling) reverse in Town's home and away form since the halfway point of the season continued yesterday as the Mariners won a deserved point at Swansea. With Town now being - game at Bristol Rovers aside - dead ace on the road and dead shit at home, this isn't going to help John Fenty's plea to swell the coffers from games at Blundell Park, is it?

Sir John of McDermott failed a fitness test meaning a further reshuffle of Russ's pack of Grimsby Town cards, setting them into onto the table - maybe a bit like the saucy Solitaire in Live And Let Die - in a 3-4-3 formation on the table. Stacy Coldicott, Justin Whittle and Jason Crowe returned to the team. Graham Hockless surprisingly retained his place, probably in place of the 'rested' Andy Parkinson or Thomas Pinault. The first half sounded quite end to end, but the second half? I must admit I wasn't getting far into the ironing listening to the match so turned the radio off and watched the excellent Election. Apparently the Lumbering Arse made a return to first team action as a sub in that half so maybe I spared myself. If you were there though, drop the Diary a line and tell him, and his readers, how it was. The result was, however, much like the vegetable spring rolls I found in the fridge last night: an unexpected pleasure.

Any other news? Only an email from Dave Otter of the supporters' trust. "Any chance of some publicity for An Evening with Frank Worthington at the Etherington Arms, Holton-le-Clay that we are putting on? It's on Thursday 28th April at 7.30pm. Tickets are �12 including buffet. Proceeds to the Keep The Mariners Afloat campaign." Consider it done, Dave. Do we get a discount if we come wearing a cowboy hat, the piece of clothing most loved by Frank?

Friday 18 February
Did you know that these days spring arrives three weeks earlier than it used to 30 years ago? Hello, Miss Guest Diary here to inject some cheer into the gloom and doom currently surrounding Town. Of course, if you're a true Grimsby pessimist you won't take my opening statement to mean that winter is now three weeks shorter; rather that the seasons are shifting and that in another 30 years we'll be having snow for August bank holiday. But I'm not from round North East Lincolnshire, so I prefer to look on the positive side of things.

Did you know that if you go bankrupt you can receive an automatic discharge in less than 12 months? This is part of a number of measures introduced by the Government last year to reduce the stigma of bankruptcy. Perhaps the Cod Almighty team should launch a campaign for the Government to introduce measures to reduce the stigma of being a Town fan. Well they got the red stockings back with the Camred campaign, didn't they.

More good news: those 'legendary rockers' Cream have reformed and are going to perform four sell-out concerts at the Albert Hall in May � which must surely indicate that age discrimination is a thing of the past. This takes me back to the fourth form, where a boy I fancied used to carry a briefcase with "Clapton is God" painted on the side. Maybe this is a brilliant marketing opportunity for Cod Almighty. They could have a rest from producing T-shirts of Town icons and introduce a funky line in wristbands with "What Would Eric Do?" printed on them. Just a thought.

I'm not going to bother giving you any news about Town's game tomorrow with Swansea. Partly because I'm writing this at 8 o'clock in the morning and the usual suspects haven't updated their websites yet, but mostly because it would only introduce a negative note into the day. There'd just be something about some big striker who always scores against Town miraculously returning to fitness or a new 4-3-2-1 formation Russ will be trying out with Andy Parkinson as the lynchpin of Town's hopes.

I'm off now to learn about things like setting smart objectives and understanding the importance of giving and receiving feedback. If I pick up any good tips, I might pass them on to Russ. I'll leave you with the news that asteroid MN4 will just miss the Earth on Friday 13 April 2029. That's lucky, isn't it. Have a nice day.

Thursday 17 February
Rumours that Mr Russell Slade may be nearing the end of his tenure at Blundell Park have been scotched by Town chairman Positive John Fenty, reports BBC Humber (the Diary is not responsible for the typographical accuracy of external websites). The local news types refer to an interview given by the Mariners' big cheese to obscure GTFC fan site Cod Almighty, in which he restates his belief that Russ is the right dude for the gig and his hope that the good times aren't too far away.

Fents also speaks at some length about the club's spat with Radio Humberside, and in the Diary's view � which, admittedly, may have suffered from the Diary consuming eight pints of Guinness yesterday � he seems to be taking David Burns' fun-making about the Tax Thing a bit too seriously and a bit too personally. The chairman insists that he can't "see any alternative" to blacklisting the leading local radio station, when one very good and quite obvious alternative would surely be just to make his case about Humberside's coverage and then rise above it all with dignity. This degree of sensitivity is an unaffordable luxury to a man in Positive John's position, isn't it? That said, he was nice enough to give CA the interview despite me calling him Positive John every day, so it's not that clear cut. Maybe our man Thundercliffe just makes a better cup of tea than Burnsy.

Town reserves lost 2-1 to Doncaster yesterday afternoon, damn your eyes, with the consolation prize generously provided by Greg 'Better Than Ronnie Bull' Young. Richard Pacquette played, and it's probably not such a bad thing that the Mariners are "in no position" to offer him a contract, remember, because the Diary has heard that he was rubbish. That Bobby Lewsam lad played again and is the subject of an excellent piece in the Grimsby Telegraph, just the sort of thing we could do with more of, telling us he's 27, a big Town fan, lives on Hainton Avenue, and plays amateur for Market Deeping, for whom he bagged a two-minute-57-second hat-trick the other week. Are we looking at the new Jack Lester? Or can Bobby stay on his feet for more than twelve seconds at a time?

Former GTFC loanee Ashley Sestanovich, whose sense of self-worth and length of temper are inversely proportional, has found the perfect place to indulge his aggression after being released by Sheffield United last week. The strapping forward has signed a short-term contract with Ian Rush's spectacularly violent Chester City side � an outfit that makes even bloodthirsty Mansfield look like a team of eleven Florence Nightingales. The move comes just in time to give Mariners supporters a chance to make Ashley fully aware of their feelings towards him, as his new side is scheduled to visit Blundell Park on the evening of Tuesday next.

From one easily riled egomaniac former Town loan forward to another, and David Nielsen has apparently been sacked by his club Aalborg for sticking one on a team-mate during training. The self-styled Golden Dude briefly set Grimsby alight with some stirring performances in a three-month loan from Copenhagen, I think it was, about five years ago before ceasing to be arsed on account of GTFC's refusal to pay him twelve grand a week and provide helicopter rides to and from training, a jacuzzi filled with champagne, and a bevvy of Blundell Babes to feed him freshly peeled grapes.

Right, that's yer lot. I'm knackered, me. Guest Diary is off building walls for a month � or knocking them down; I can't quite remember now � and Special Guest Diary is similarly hamstrung by the evils of work, so your lovingly digested GTFC news will be lovingly digested tomorrow by Somebody Else Entirely, I think. Until next week, then, readers: don't scowl like Johnny Ramone, smile like Joey Ramone.

Wednesday 16 February
The Diary always used to be tickled by an advert placed at Doncaster station by some local development organisation, which said: "Can they make Doncaster what they made Carlisle?" It's not there any more, so presumably they have either made Doncaster what they made Carlisle or decided the answer was no and given up. Neither of which answers the question begged: "Er, what did they make Carlisle, exactly?" And all of which bears only the slightest relevance to the fact that Town reserves are hosting Doncaster this afternoon and are, according to the club's official website, "hoping" to include trial forward Richard Pacquette in the line-up, but you never know � they might surprise us all and actually play him.

Maybe it wasn't by some local development organisation at all; maybe it was specifically to do with racecourses, because they have them at Doncaster and Carlisle, don't they? That would make more sense. It really doesn't matter now, anyway.

Prawn cocktail? Pardon me while I snigger loudly as Lincolnshire continues to languish 30 years behind the rest of the civilised world.

And that's about it as far as the Mariners go, which isn't very far at all, but the Diary is equally amused and unsurprised to note today that part-time Hull City manager Peter Taylor, presumably because it's Wednesday, is trying to sign two more forwards. Well, you can't seriously expect him to sustain a proper challenge for promotion with just the 34 strikers on the books, can you? And speaking of such challenges, one can only wonder whether the other teams around the top of the fourth division will be up to taking advantage of the wheels falling off Brian Laws' bandwagon. Scunthorpe's defeat by Wycombe last night leaves them with only two unconvincing wins in their last ten league games and ten points from a possible 30, yet in this weirdly static division they retain second place despite even worse recent form than Town's.

Rich Mills has emailed again in response to my assertion yesterday that the Football Manager 2005 version of Andy Parkinson is alarmingly true to his real-life counterpart. "Does he jump in vain for every ball that Justin Whittle punts over his head to the opposing full-backs?" asks Rich cruelly. More his uncanny ability to squander possession in the final third by running into defenders, but the effect is much the same. Incidentally, it's early February in my first season and after a shaky start my Mariners side has found some form and ascended to ninth place. Thomas Pinault is my playmaker in a 3-1-3-3 system, given creative freedom in the centre of the park, and the statistics show him to be the best player in the fourth division by some margin. Brian Laws and Keith Alexander have both tried the mind games and been soundly beaten by the Diary's black and white army. Life is sweet in my CPU, and I don't want to come back out.

Tuesday 15 February
February. The evenings begin slowly but inexorably to lengthen; winter offers a final flourish of biting Arctic wind; footballers whose teams don't stand a chance of either promotion or relegation start to wind down for the summer; and club chairmen respond to impatient supporters by sacking or backing their manager. Happily for Mr Russell Slade, his immediate superior, Positive John Fenty, has opted for the latter; probably a good job all round, as Grimsby Town supporters saw only a year ago what an ill-considered change of personnel can achieve at this point in the season. The Diary wishes we'd got Brian Horton instead, but such was the disarray at Blundell Park last May that any man who succeeded Nasty Nick would need to be given two full seasons to, as it were, sort it.

Anyway, there seems to be some sort of talk going round of a clause in Russ's contract which, if I've got this right, would allow him to be sent forth from BP with a P45 and no compo should things look sufficiently bleak come the end of the current campaign. It's rumour, and as such the Diary is neither able nor willing to add further comment � other than to point out that the BBC Humber website has somehow contrived to run a piece about Fenty speaking up in support of Slade without actually including a single word of direct speech. The spelling is quite good though.

Yesterday's unusually blunt Diary has provoked reaction from prolific reader-emailer person Dave the Engineer and his best buddy Sibbo. "Full marks for the short but very accurate Monday Diary," writes the latter. "Ronnie Bull should be very ashamed of that excuse for a tackle. It was probably the only time he got near an opponent all game." Dave develops variations in the key of Bull, opining: "How the hell he got man of the match on Saturday I don't know." Irony is so tired in 2005, isn't it? Mariners fan and ska trumpet ace Rich Mills is another who has been moved to compose email, asking simply: "Was it really that bad?" To be honest, Rich, Town have occasionally been a bit worse this season than they were on Saturday, but I wanted to get back to my game of Football Manager 2005. I tell you, though: the FM05 version of Andy Parkinson is frighteningly realistic.

The Tax Thing whipround has so far raised �7518.32, reports Town's official website, or, to put it another way, about a third of what GTFC paid to agents in the second half of 2004. Any old how, there'll be a bit more cash jangling in Positive John's pocket now that he doesn't have to pay Ashley Sestanovich's wages any more. Transit Stan has been released by his club Sheffield United, formally bringing to an end his ill-starred loan to the Mariners, though it remains to be seen whether the cash freed up will be entrusted to Russ for more players or diverted directly to the Inland Revenue oojummy-wotsit.

Hang on a minute! We're saved! Sir Brian Mawhinney, the failed Secretary of State for Northern Ireland bizarrely appointed as chairman of the Football League, has announced a new seven-figure three-year sponsorship deal with DIY giant Wickes for the� oh. For the second division. Right. Phoenix league/Premiership II by the back door, anyone?

Monday 14 February
On the off-chance that any Shrewsbury Town fans are reading, the sole purpose of today's Diary is to offer a public apology for Ronnie Bull's monstrous assault on your lad the other day; although while we're at it, I might as well also say sorry for the most recent of Michael Reddy's many disgraceful attempts to deceive match referees and cheat paying audiences of a fair outcome. Shrews, you deserved your three points.

Friday 11 February
It was late on last night, and I was half asleep, to be honest. The reporter quoted her as having said something like: "We are not looking at that today. We are interested in other, more important things." Since her retirement, and descent into complete and utter full-blown bloody madness, your Guest Diarist is worried that he is finding himself increasingly fond of the sayings of Maggie Thatcher. The lady is right � who gives a flying fuck about the self-absorbed tax-dodging royal family when Town have a match tomorrow? That is a more important thing, although she may have been referring to her ne'er-do-well son, or where she has mislaid Denis, or what's left of him. Home to Shrewsbury; a side with a decent striker who hasn't scored for ages. You know what that means, gentle reader. I am rarely wrong on these matters.

Having successfully convinced Mr Slade to play his best available players all at the same time, and in roughly the right positions, last week, Martin Gritton is no doubt slightly relieved to read the official website today and learn that the rumours of Tony Crane returning as emergency striker are unfounded. Martin's ankle is still playing up, so he does remain a doubt, although it is odds-on he will make it to start tomorrow. Ronnie Bull is available again after suspension, but the match sponsors will be denied the chance to nominate Jason Crowe as the man of the match, as he is still injured.

Coldicott and Whittle are suspended, so the Hockless-to-start rumours are abounding. Given that the average height of the crowd tomorrow will be much reduced due to the kids-go-free day, maybe Mr Slade will think that it's time to do the same with the team. Oh, and Rob Jones is still rubbing his back and grimacing. The Telegraph says he is definitely out tomorrow. Pass him the fiery jack, somebody.

Cod Almighty bigwig Pete Green is planning a spot of armed robbery this weekend � or so he tells the Grimsby Telegraph. Which is really weird, because I was daydreaming about serious crime myself, this very morning. I figured the only way for me to make a meaningful dent in Town's bloody great tax bill was to rob a bank and then donate the proceeds by buying a huge quantity of match tickets every week. If anyone fancies joining my gang, drop me a line.

Si Wilson has been on again. This time he's guilty of reading articles about Carshalton Athletic. Right down at the bottom it mentions that famous ex-Town luminary, er, Topy Arojogon. A winger, or an anagram? The best entry will receive a smashing prize.

I'm signing off now, for a few weeks, you will be perhaps relieved to read, as a man has asked me to knock down some buildings brick by brick. I'll be back when I've finished. Enjoy the game tomorrow � I will. See yer.

Thursday 10 February
There's some injury news, and it's good news. Well, it's quite good � I mean it's not like Freddy Shepherd has broken his neck or anything. Town's opponents this Saturday, Shrewsbury, will be two players light as they bear north-east, as their goalless draw at Bury on Tuesday night came at the cost of physical damage to captain and OK defender Darren Tinson and Red Dwarf soundalike centre-forward Duane Darby. "I think they're both struggling for Saturday," Shrews boss Gary Peters has told the Shropshire Star newspaper. Which sort of balances out the absence of Stacy Coldicott and Justin Whittle, though if Martin Gritton fails to come through as well then somebody might have to infiltrate the Shropshire nightclub circuit and give Luke Rodgers a good shoeing on Friday night.

Town fans who enjoy a laugh or two will be delighted by the news that the former Kidderminster forward Youssou Diop could be playing fourth division football again soon. At Blundell Park back in November, in what predictably turned out to be Diop's swansong for the Worcestershire side, his row with his own physio caused more mirth than had been heard from the Mariners faithful since Tony Gallimore missed that penalty at Oakwell last season, and the stroppy Senegalese frontman has now been offered a trial at Town's basement rivals Notts County. Sadly the Pies have already visited BP this season but GTFC travel to Meadow Lane on Saturday 16 April. The Diary is crossing fingers, toes and whatever else will cross in the hope that Diop earns a contract and marks the occasion of Town's visit by launching an almighty spat with the entire home crowd.

Richard Dawson has emailed on the subject of the Rumble Band's Tax Thing benefit gig being rescheduled from the Tuesday just gone to the second week of July. "I assume that the Inland Revenue has been informed that they will just have to wait a bit longer before their debt is recovered," he writes. "Isn't this postponement indicative of the whole campaign? Is this really a 'save our beloved club' situation or just a storm whipped up by a tabloid website that has kicked off a half-hearted fundraiser? According to the supporters' trust website the amount raised is only up about a thousand quid in the last two weeks; the Grimsby Telegraph has never updated its 'Keep the Mariners Afloat' website section since 20 January � the day the campaign was launched. On this basis how can we take it seriously?"

Well, Rich, since you're asking, I hardly think the trust can be blamed for the half-arsed approach of the Telegraph web monkeys; it's been made fairly clear that the campaign is a long-term thing (two years, I think); and Positive John said the other day that the Revenue was all for KTMA. There are unanswered questions, sure � will Fenty revoke his outrageous diktat regarding Radio Humberside, and if the Fishy had given up guessing at the situation before it got close, would the club have carried on keeping schtum? � but it's all better than doing nothing. That said, the Diary does believe more would be achieved by Mr Russell Slade winning the fans back by getting the team to play the sort of gloriously fluent attacking football that we enjoyed so much in the first two months of the season. It's no good taking our mates if Town play rubbish, after all�

Today's last word is 'demands', because we're ending with an email from Pat Bell that says: "Is a pacquette a small packet? Does that reflect his wage demands?"

Actually, that's not true; today's last word is 'cheerio', because it's Thursday and before I hand you over to Guest Diary for the week, I would just like say cheerio. Cheerio!

Wednesday 9 February
...well, I said to her, it might be a slow news day but you should see the size of my bookmarks folder! Oh, hello there. All that has awaited us this chilly Wednesday is a sorry solitary revelation unlikely to dislodge major planets from their orbits: that Town's eventual new trial forward Richard Pacquette has given an interview to the Grimsby Telegraph in which he enthuses wildly about getting back into League football in a bid to convince world-weary Mariners fans that he is capable of becoming more than just the English Mickael Antoine-Curier. Turns out, as well, young Rich is mates with Terrell Forbes and Simon Ford. Cor, remember him? Promising and pacy young central defender brought up to Blundell Park from down south, quickly raised expectations with a string of excellent performances and then just as quickly failed to live up to them by spending most of each game asleep. But enough about Terrell Forbes, eh.

It might be because they're having a good run in a couple of cups, or it might just be because the GTFC accounts department is increasingly desperate for the new John Oster to pop up from behind a dandelion, but at the moment people seem to be more than usually interested in Town's youth team. A good thing, then, that the club's official website is on hand to give us the lowdown on their season in the Football League Youth Rebel Alliance, as it isn't called. First of all, all the youth teams play in a 'Conference phase', apparently, and then at this time of year they get sorted out into 'Merit Divisions' according to how well they've done, and the Mariners' bright young things, it emerges, are in Merit Division Two North. As league structures go it all seems a bit complicated for the Diary, but I'm sure the Scottish Football Association will give it a try for a year at some point.

Tuesday 8 February
As the great Roly Godfrey would have put it: BLIMEY! Richard Pacquette has at last found his way to Blundell Park from Stevenage for a trial (join the A1(M) at junction 7, head north all the way to Lincoln, then join the A46, turning left onto Gallamore Lane; turn left in Cleethorpes at the Memorial Hall). The former QPR striker was originally due up Meggies way a couple of weeks ago but failed to show up after losing the directions he printed off from Multimap, realising he wouldn't get a run-out for the reserves, or hearing Mr Russell Slade say he couldn't sign any new players. I didn't realise he was only 22; did you? Pacquette, I mean, not Slade. With no reserve games scheduled until 2033, though, and that nasty Mr Taxman still holding his palm out and tapping his foot, one fears that Ricky P's voyage up the east of England will bear about as much fruit as an Antarctic orange tree.

Oh, and Jon Daly has signed for Hartlepool. Who? Exactly.

Veteran performers the Rumble Band will not now be appearing at McMenemy's tonight, pop pickers. The Grimsby entertainers, who have been performing live for 300 years now, were due to play this evening in a fundraising event for the Tax Thing, but the gig has been rescheduled for Friday 8 July, possibly following a dispute over permissible stage wear. Tickets for tonight remain valid for the rearranged date, without a 50 per cent surcharge, so it's a good job it's McMenemy's and not Spotland.

Peter Hopgood has emailed to inform the world that his son has split up with Andy Impey's stepsister. Wouldn't it be ironic if Town ended up signing him now after all, eh. James Booth, meanwhile, writes: "I am back in Toronto, I could not remember the band you liked here, but thought it may be the Hidden Cameras? Please remind me if it is as they have some kind of release party this month for an album and if I am in town will endeavour to source any vinyl you should desire." It was indeed the HCs, James, but unless there's a follow-up to Mississauga Goddamn already I ended up buying it on CD last summer. Thanks all the same. You should go to the do anyway though.

Monday 7 February
If that Luke Rodgers lad still plays for Shrewsbury then his lips will today be overly moist from excessive licking following the news that Justin Whittle will be missing from the Grimsby defence he comes up against at Blundell Park this Saturday. Town's skipper came off the bench at half time during Saturday's 3-0 defeat at Bristol Rovers in a move that at least prevented the Gas extending their, er, 3-0 lead at the interval but, before the world had turned very much further, managed to acquire his fifth yellow card of the season, incurring an immediate one-match ban. Funnily enough, exactly the same thing happened to reborn yard dog Stacy Coldicott. The Mariners' Whittle-less defence has now conceded nine times in the last three games and has failed to keep a clean sheet in five. GTFC manager Mr Russell Slade was quick to issue a statement upon learning of the players' suspension, announcing: "Oh, bugger."

Coverage of the match has been mixed, with most reports giving credit to the Mariners' all-round performance and pointing out the outstanding display by Rovers keeper Ryan Clarke, and the statistics confirm that Town enjoyed more possession and as many shots on target as their hosts. Most reports are written by people who saw the match, and Cod Almighty's will be with you later this afternoon, written by our man in the south-west, guest reporter Sean Carr. Keep 'em peeled.

And thank you to those of you who have emailed to congratulate CA on our write-up in the new When Saturday Comes, which waxes very lyrical indeed about Tony Butcher's match reports. You'll have to excuse me for not reproducing your emails; it's just that we need Tony back to report on Town's next match after his absence at Bristol and Cheltenham, and if we go on much more about the WSC piece then we'll never fit his head through the Pontoon turnstiles.

Friday 4 February
Your Guest Diarist suffered a caecothian moment this morning. An almost irresistible urge to predict a Town away win at Bristol Rovers tomorrow. For Christ's sake, the Gasheads can't beat anyone these days, having taken a paltry ten from the last thirty points available to them. And Town keep winning away at the moment. But, as any well-respecting head knows, caecothes is heavy shit, man, and best avoided, so I'll draw back from the brink and reserve judgment on the outcome.

Needless to say, I hope that Mr Slade perseveres with the novel idea of picking all his best players at once tomorrow. Ronnie Bull is still suspended, and Jason Crowe still injured. Whether Crowe would fall into that best player category anyway remains, of course, a point for debate among the Mariners faithful. The official website tells us that Sir John of McDermott and Jones were due to be galumphing up and down the car park before getting on the bus this morning to test their knees and backs respectively. The returning Whittle and Crane stand by, as fans weigh up whether a half-fit Whittle matches a back-rubbing Jones. Of course it does, Malcolm. In midfield there should be no arguing against the Fleming, Coldicott, Pinault and Parkinson quartet though. Flair, tackling, aggression and comedy value. All the classic GTFC virtues represented in one line of four. Reddy and Gritton will continue their increasingly successful partnership up front.

In fact young Mr Gritton says everything I have been thinking all season in his interview with the Grimsby Telegraph today: "With players like Parky and Reds in the side, you know we have the pace to punish teams and I think that's been on show away from home, particularly. Last week at Cheltenham saw Parky play a bit deeper on the left, but I think that 4-4-2 shape worked well. Personally I think that both Parky and Reds are better on the deck than when the ball is lumped up to them." Are you listening Mr Slade?

CA received a nice email from Hazel at Gasheads.com this morning: "Just to let you know that we've just put a Grimsby preview up on gasheads.com and we've linked to this site. Got to say we loved Cod Almighty, just what an independent site should be, and the Harry the Haddock pictures are quality." Thanks Haze � let's hope you don't drop too far down the table; just far enough to enable the sacking of that nasty, shouty manager of yorn.

Stuart Campbell hopes he gets randomly picked out to play from the truly enormous Rovers squad on Saturday. He has been caught rambling to the Bristol Evening Post, and seems to be under the illusion that Town fans used to sing his praises at Blundell Park, saying "he will be shocked if those fans who once chanted his name decide to turn on him when Rovers do battle with the Mariners at The Memorial Stadium tomorrow". "I don't anticipate anything too bad," said Campbell. No, nothing worse than the deserved stick intelligent fans gave you every week at Grimsby, Stu, as, no doubt, you reprise your 'missing in action' role for the Rovers. Lee Thorpe, on whom your Guest Diarist doted during his all-too-brief loan spell at Town, is suspended tomorrow. So it's up to Mr Agogo, he of the infamous wanker gesture at his manager, to do the business for the home team.

Mr Slade has been doling out the pearls of wisdom to the Grimsby Telegraph, saying things like: "We need to be tight early on and take our chances. If we can do that then we can quieten the crowd down. The first half hour is crucial in my opinion. Whoever starts the brighter will have the initiative." And, presumably, "if we score more goals than them, we can win".

That intrepid trawler of the provincial press, Si Wilson, has spotted in the Bracknell Wotsit that young Berkshire striker Luke Ramos "has also been celebrating this week after securing a place in Grimsby Town's youth set-up. The talented striker recently spent a month with the Mariners and has now been offered a place in their academy." Let's hope he grows up big and strong with an eye for goal.

Sorry this column is late � blame the following: a rat, a burst pipe, a talkative plumber and a bouncing broadband circuit. What a fucking morning. See yer.

Thursday 3 February
Steam. Mud. Cup-a-Soup. Natural gas. Bacardi Breezer. Town's defence. The Diary's chances of writing an unlaboured introduction. All of these things can, at the time of writing, safely be described as less than solid, but for the penultimate item in the list this may not be the case for very much longer. This is because GTFC centre-half Justin Whittle, whose days in the army have very clearly bestowed rock-like qualities upon him, could return to the side for this Saturday's trip to Bristol Rovers after recovering from the ankle injury that has precluded his kicking a ball thus far in 2005. Rob Jones and Sir John McDermott may not be fit to play, though. "Whits is getting fitter and could be in contention again for Saturday," Mr Russell Slade has told the Grimsby Telegraph. "We'll see how he is after his run out for the reserves." This was before his run-out for the reserves.

Which brings us almost too neatly to the reserve game in which Whittle had his run-out. This, in case you've forgotten already, was scheduled to take place at Blundell Park yesterday afternoon, and, unremarkably, it did. The home side scored two goals, while their opponents, Notts County, scored none. The first came after just two minutes from Bobby Lewsam, or Lewsham, who is one of those players who turn up from places like Spalding United for trials which seem to go on for months and months on end, while young Michael Smith achieved the tremendous feat of scoring the second despite not having been named in Town's squad for the game.

Hopes are high that the Mariners' youth system might soon end its recent barren spell and throw up another Gary Croft or John Oster, and the youth team's progress in this season's cup competitions is sure to make them higher and higher, baby. It's a living thing; it's a terrible thing to lose. It has come to the attention of the world, thanks to an item on Town's official website, that the young 'uns have reached the semi-finals of the Midlands Youth Cup by anticipating the feat of their slightly elders in the reserves and beating Notts County 2-0 on Tuesday night. The semi is against Port Vale and they don't know when yet. It won't be on 12 March, I'll tell you that much, because that's when they're playing Oldham in another knockout tourney, the Football League Youth Alliance Cup, after beating Chesterfield 4-0 in the previous round last Saturday. And they say the youth of today don't know what hard work is. They're always saying stupid things like that, though, aren't they.

The Diary's inbox has been so busy this week that if I'm not careful it'll fall off. Today brings yet more email correspondence from you readery types, the first item of which was sent by Peter Hopgood. "Just my luck Russell looks like he won't be signing Mr Impey," he writes. "My one chance of a claim to fame is just jumping out of the nearest window. 'What's that?' you may ask." What's that, Peter? "Well, my son is only stepping out with Master Impey's stepsister. Haa, how cool is that?" Reasonably cool, sir, I must admit, though Charlotte Hatherley would have been cooler. "Mind you, knowing how fickle young love is by the time you read these words he will probably have moved on through a further four or five relationships. Rather like Mr Slade and his trialists." Ah, but before he sends them packing, Peter, does your lad actually give his paramours a 'run-out'?

"So imagine my surprise when someone phoned me and asked for a kos lettuce!" It's not every week the Diary is told that, but then it's not every week I publish the phone number of the marketing manager at Fresh Cut Salads, so we shouldn't be too surprised. Alan Richardson, the accidental hero of yesterday's Diary, has sent us another email � intentionally this time � to explain that "my lack of IT skills meant I sent a blank email while looking at Monday's Diary � that'll teach me to slack at work! Enough explanation and time for a bit of grovelling � CA is without doubt the finest read on the old internet thingy and keeps us exiles well informed (not that living in Gy helps much with the lack of info and shocking journalism in the GET!)." Thanks very much, Alan, very kind of you; though remember that if nobody ever slacked at work then there wouldn't be a CA to keep you thus updated�

Finally, shocking GET journalist Pete Green has been in touch after Richard Dawson accused him in yesterday's Diary of having promised Cod Almighty some book reviews, and suggested that if he couldn't be arsed to write them then perhaps he could just lend Richard the books. "Well, I wrote one," explains Pete, "a review, not a book. I haven't got anything else to review though, and I can't lend what I've not got. I reckon Si Wilson is your man. He is, after all, the man." Si�?

That is all from me for another week, then; tomorrow will find you, as is normal for a Friday, in the kind and gentle hands of Guest Diary. Thank you all for reading, and, I dunno, stay beautiful. Cheers.

Wednesday 2 February
Pontins League historians are today frantically thumbing the archives in search of the previous record score for a reserves match after Town's second string drew Manchester United in the competition's league cup. The likes of Glen Downey will be attempting damage limitation against a team of Scottish internationals you've never heard of at the ground of Hyde United on Saturday 19 March at the same time as their seniors will be back at Blundell Park attempting to avenge their opening-day defeat by ambitious Darlington.

Back in the present day, the Mariners' stiffs will have to turn their minds to the more modest challenge that is likely to be offered by Notts County at Blundell Park this afternoon: a fixture that has not altered at all since this time yesterday. They're letting you in free if you've nothing better to do, and why would you have? Justin Whittle might be getting a game, and if you really, honestly, truly have got anything better to do then you could do it while you frantically click your F5 key in search of updates from Town's redoubtable official website.

Albert Einstein was a genius, and he did very badly at school. The Diary is a complete waster who will never achieve anything in life, and I did really well at school. Perhaps I ought to have followed Albie's noble example and failed a few more exams. And if my note-making skills had been as limited during my adolescence as they seem to be now, then perhaps that's exactly what would have happened. My preparatory jottings for today's Diary include the line: "Shrew kds, 2 free", from which I am somehow expected to extrapolate the fact that adult individuals wishing to attend the game of association football that is scheduled to take place between teams representing Grimsby and Shrewsbury on 12 February in the year of our Lord two thousand and five will be entitled to be accompanied at no extra charge by two minors. It's a miracle that I get through the day at all.

Fed up of all those QXL auctions in which GTFC flog off the barely muddied sock of a 33-year-old midfielder brought in on a short-term contract by Nicky Law on transfer deadline day last season who then made two full appearances and one as a substitute in which he patently failed to contribute anything noteworthy to the doomed cause of Town's relegation avoidance and whose name you'd forgotten before the fourth division fixture list came out? Well, be fed up no more, as the club's latest fundraising wheeze is to auction the shirt of no less a figure than Paul Groves. And it's not just any old shirt; it's the one he wore at Wembley in 1998! Twice! I hope he washed it in between! Check it out.

Speaking of old Nick, we were all delighted to learn earlier this week that the game of football was to be denied his services no longer, and that supporters of Buxton FC in the Northern Counties East League are the latest to be enjoying his unique combination of successful motivational skills and stylish football, weren't we? But did we know that the ground at which Mr Law is now plying his trade is the highest in England at more than 1,000 feet above sea level? I'll wager we did not. Better send him some breathing apparatus, eh.

Diary reader Felix Oliver-Tasker, the poshest-named Town fan in the multiverse, has emailed again to explain his inability to find a report on the Mariners' victory at Cheltenham last Friday. "Sorry to say old chap that Tossedoff Towers is closed for the rainy season, Mumsie and Daddo are wintering in the Med and have taken Scrotum the wrinkled retainer along with them to minster their every need [sic]. As for me, the Royal Berkshire Hospital never sleeps, the cat's got piles and the parrot's got a sore throat, could be thrush." I think that's quite enough, thank you� ooh, no, hang on � what's this? "Thanks for a brilliant site. It's the first thing I look at when I log on in the morning." No, no � thank you, Felix. Any chance Daddy could keep the Mariners afloat?

Two further emails suggest ways to tie up Felix's loose ends, as it were. The first comes from MFB, who writes: "There is a reasonably unbiased report on the Cheltenham official site. Not of the standing of Mr Butcher's efforts, however." That'll be this one then� oh, dear � how few people saw Cheltenham win 3-0 at the Deva last night? Looks like the good people of Chester are no more enamoured than we are of their team's style of play... Richard Dawson, meanwhile, writes: "In the absence of a match report perhaps we CA readers could while away the lonely hours by digesting the football book reviews promised us by Pete Green about a year ago. Or maybe Pete could just lend me the books?" Um... Pete...?

Finally today, the Diary is both delighted and intrigued to hear from Alan Richardson, despite the fact that his email is completely empty. Apart from his signature file, that is, which tells us that Alan is the marketing manager of Fresh Cut Salads � hope that's working out well for you, Al � and very thoughtfully mentions, presumably in case any Diary readers could just murder a lovely plate of kos lettuce, that his telephone number is 01778 392943.

Tuesday 1 February
Russell Slade has denied that he wants to sign Andy Impey, and nobody believed it in the first place. The Grimsby Telegraph, at the time of writing, hasn't updated its local sport index since yesterday, and even then they were forced to run stories about rugby and horses and John Oster. Such is the dearth of news emanating from Fortress Blundell today that even Town's own official website has resorted to running a very short item indeed about the second string playing Notts County tomorrow, when they usually leave it until the morning of a reserves match before mentioning it.

A good thing, then, that Felix Oliver-Tasker has emailed to give us all something to read. Unfortunately, the subject of his email is having nothing to read. "I know Town won but how did they do it?" begs FOT. "I'm desperate for a report. I hate the official site and the Telegraph is awful. Please get a desperate fan stuck in darkest Reading, far away from Willy's and Ernie Beckett's fabulous fish shop, a match report." Could you not get there from Reading, then, Felix? Or could you not have asked Daddy to put down his caviar and send one of his servants along? Guest Diary asked for a report last Friday, I believe, but nobody yet seems to have chanced placing their arm into the mighty mitten of Tony Butcher. Final call, then: if anyone out there made it along to Cheltenham and has at least a vague recollection of the events that catapulted the Mariners into the top ten for 20 hours or so, then speak up, prithee.

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