Cod Almighty - Diary - January 2005

"How come I only ever get on the telly when we play Cheltenham?"

Diary - January 2005

Monday 31 January
"That Diary chap is a complete fruitcake!" If this is what you think then you're wrong, but you might also, by way of psychoanalysis, attempt to engage me in some word association. "Town," you might say. "Misery," I might reply. "Music," you could then utter. "Happiness," I would doubtless retort. "Nicky Law," you may declare. At which point a great flood of traumatic associations would course relentlessly through my brain: "Relegation... ugly... Mickael Antoine-Curier... panic late-season signings... gibber, gibber... please - just kill me now! KILL ME NOW!"

Sorry. Anyway, it looks very much like Mr Russell Slade's predecessor – who, the Grimsby Telegraph has just discovered, has found his level and been managing Buxton FC in the Northern Counties East League for the last six games – will be the last manager of Grimsby Town Football Club to be remembered for panic late-season signings, since the Football League has at last capitulated to FIFA's insistence that it adopt the transfer window system as of next season, meaning all panic signings from now on will have to be made in the summer and in January. Many observers expect the ruling to deal a potentially fatal blow to many small clubs which, like GTFC, are still reeling from the financial chaos wrought by ITV Digital, increasing the domination of football by rich clubs and leaving communities across the country without a professional side to support, but these disadvantages are surely outweighed by the many obvious benefits of the transfer window system, namely... er... oh.

You remember Kevin Donovan, don't you? The hero of Town's 1997–98 promotion season who couldn't cut it in the second flight and left for Barnsley because of their "Premiership ambitions", only for his new side to drop to the third division and Tykes fans to brand him their worst player ever? And you remember Darren Barnard? The former Premiership left-back who saw Town through two relegations and then, because it would be "a problem" for him to play in the fourth division, left the club to join Aldershot in the Conference? Well, no such fun can be poked at Dean Gordon, another former Premiership left-back, who saw his omission from Town's team to face Macclesfield last Boxing Day as the perfect excuse to do one. Deano Gordo has, according to some reports, brushed aside interest from Dundee and Darlington in favour of Apoel Nicosia of Cyprus, where he will apparently be handed a two-year contract and a place in the Champions League, together, one imagines, with penalty-taking duties, a tax-free luxury apartment and all the sunshine he can eat. Bah.

Elsewhere today, Richard Pacquette won't be turning up for his trial with the Mariners any time soon, or probably ever, as he picked up a thigh strain playing for Stevenage against Canvey Island, I think; Kirk Wheeler, released by GTFC after, well, nothing, has signed terms at AFC Barrow, where he spent some time on loan a bit ago; and Town are running a fundraising auction to spend a match day in the boardroom lording it up with the chairman – or, if Positive John is unavailable, with the "Duty Director" – which the Diary won't be bidding on because to hang out with Mr Fenty you have to dress like Mr Fenty and I am a debauched crazy-ass rock 'n' roll mutha who nobody tells what to wear. Which is probably why nobody ever gives me a job. But hey, that's their loss. And Town's.

I have in my hand a piece of email from Cod Almighty's ace match reporter Tony Butcher, who, unfortunately for Cod Almighty, wasn't quite ace enough to haul his ass to Cheltenham on Friday night, but God knows we all need a break from it all sometimes. TB has given much thought instead to the issue of how Paul Moran's girlfriend Liz's friend Selina could do the black bits without liquorice if she makes her dad a Watford birthday cake. And if you asked me two weeks ago whether that was a sentence I expected to be typing any time soon, candour would have compelled me to answer in the negative. "Can't she just burn the sponge?" writes Tony, who clearly doesn't watch enough food TV to have picked up the word 'chargrilled', and adds with a wickedly satirical twist: "I am allowed to say burn aren't I? Not too close to Burns?" They'll ban you as well if you carry on like that, Tone.

Friday 28 January
After I had finished my early morning contemplation on the increasing likelihood of my being incarcerated under house arrest by the Government in the not too distant future for illegal pheasant possession and harbouring nasty thoughts about Tony Blair, your Guest Diarist's thoughts turned to Town's chances of getting a point at Cheltenham tonight. A mighty tussle between two inconsistent sides, each locked in mid-table obscurity, beckons.

The official site tells us that Mr Slade is very likely to obsessively pursue his zany experiment by continuing to pick centre-half Greg Young, as a wing-back deputy, for the injured Crowe and the suspended Bull. John McDermott will grit his teeth and pretend that sore knee has gone away, and Justin Whittle is back 'on the bus', although it is doubtful whether he will do more than rub knees with Thom Pinault on the bench. Unless Slade goes completely crazy, says "I'm mad, I am", and goes all 4-4-2 on us, of course. The Grimsby Telegraph thinks he just might be daft enough to play a midfield of Fleming, Coldicott, Pinault, and Parky on the left. That, with a flat back four and Reddy and Gritton foraging up front, reads to me liking making the most of what's available. The Telegraph goes on to ruminate what it would be like to see young Danny North in action. A bit like I fantasise about those monochrome people who inhabit the opening credits of Emmerdale every night.

Can Town win? Of course they can. Will Town win? I have no bloody idea. But just for once I'm relieved that I live a mile outside the Humberside reception area so that I will be spared the huffing and puffing of the no doubt duly indignant David Burns. "Give us your thoughts on that media ban, Burnsy," to reprise the screamingly repetitive Radio Humberside vernacular. That will teach him to accuse the Town board of 'woolly thinking'. Cue the 15-minute George Kerr interview, David.

Tony Butcher will not be shifting his smart shiny hatchback into interstellar overdrive to make the journey to the Cheltenham racecourse park 'n' ride tonight, so Cod Almighty is calling for a substitute match reporter. Any old rubbish will do, as long as it's half decent. C'mon, you know you can do it. Send your copy in to diary@codalmighty.com. And we'll be dead grateful.

I took a butcher's at the supporters' trust site this morning to check the progress of the appeal fund. The grand total of £5,527.90 is reported to have come in so far. So the good news is that the fund is comfortably outpacing the daily interest charges levied by the Revenue on the debt. But with over four hundred grand to go, the chairman must be a mite anxious about the desire in the town to keep the club afloat. The people's faith is being tested here. It is being tested by the only rich man in the village. Which Town fan will cancel his Sky subscription and give the proceeds to the club? Who will knock that Friday night bevvy on the head and bung the dosh every week to the fund? Mr Fenty, you are about to find out.

Ex-Town starlet John Oster got the sack this week. Any excuse for a bit of schadenfreude, eh? Hee hee. See yer.

Thursday 27 January
Well, the campaign about Town's Tax Thing got off to a positive start, with the supporters' trust attracting new members and thousands of pounds in early donations, thanks largely to an unusually high degree of press and broadcast interest surrounding the launch of the appeal. Does this mean Positive John Fenty will be abandoning the club's uncompromising recent attitude towards the media, then, and bending over backwards to keep them onside? Er, no - and in fact GTFC has banned its players and manager from talking to Radio Humberside in response to what it says was the station's "destructive and negative" coverage of the Tax Thing, adding: "The club trusts that Mariners' fans agree with them on this and that supporters will understand the club's stance." Yes, of course we do. Meanwhile the Mariners have also announced details of a new scheme of firearms training programmes to raise awareness of the club within the local community. The first of these is taking place at Blundell Park tonight, where the club's instructors are giving lessons in SHOOTING YOURSELF IN THE SODDING FOOT.

Maybe he was supping Guinness or playing a traditional folk jig on the shillelagh, but nobody seems to have told Michael Reddy that he's not allowed to play with that nasty Tondeur boy any more, with the devastating consequence that Town's rejuvenated Irish forward has given an extremely damaging interview about his side's prospects of claiming three points at Cheltenham tomorrow night. "Away from home hasn't been great," the tousle-haired 24-year-old admits carelessly. "Obviously we had a long run without winning games, but we put that to bed against Leyton Orient in the last away game and hopefully we can build on that." Tut-tut, Michael. Loose lips sink ships, not keep them afloat.

Details continue to emerge regarding the fans' forum held at Blundell Park on Tuesday night. Besides hailing the successful launch of the Tax Thing campaign, Positive John has addressed the fanciful possibility that the Mariners may one day leave BP for a new purpose-built stadium on the edge of town. In a summary on the club's official website the chairman is quoted: "It may be a few years yet, but I'm still optimistic that can still happen one day." The Diary, meanwhile, is still optimistic that it won't.

On the Hartlepool part of one of those network site things today there's a very good piece about Town and the state of football in general, and it seems that those wishing to donate to the club's fighting fund can now do so via eBay. Elsewhere on the auction site, incidentally, the Diary has been humbled to discover a Scunny fan selling GTFC programmes from the 1970s to raise cash for the Tax Thing and delighted to find for sale a "WIERD JAM JAR FULL OF PICKLED PEOPLE FROM GRIMSBY!", then a little disappointed to discover that the latter was not, in fact, offering me the chance to buy Swigs.

Before I bid thee adieu for the week and hand over to Guest Diary (I hope) for tomorrow, there's just time for two more of your emails. Paulo di Moranio/Paul Moran is clearly a man who wants to have his cake and eat it, as he has passed on to us an email to his wonderful girlfriend Liz from her mate Selina, which continues the theme: "By some bizarre coincidence, I am about to embark on a football-related cake-making exercise... I am making a cake in the shape of a Watford hat for Dad's 60th birthday next weekend. If you have any suggestions for the black stripes (other than liquorice), I'd be pleased to hear them." So, readers, can you help Selina? Email your suggestions to diary@codalmighty.com, and remember - they don't have black pudding down south.

Today's last word goes to Miles Moss, who seems to have tried out the Trivial Pursuit tactic advocated in yesterday's Diary, but to little effect. "It turns out that Winston Churchill did not duet with Kylie Minogue. Nor was he invented by Humphry Davey. Furthermore, he was not the voice of Bugs Bunny, he is not a tropical island off the coast of Mozambique, did not have a 1970s hit with 'Devil Woman', and it has not been illegal to advertise him at bus stops since 1994. Thanks for nothing."

Wednesday 26 January
You know times are getting tough when Town can't raise a team for a reserve game at Lincoln - and with that, I've given you a massive early clue as to what today's lead story is about. Here's another: it's nothing to do with Darren Mansaram scoring for Halifax last night. That's right, folks - GTFC asked the Imps if they wouldn't mind putting off this afternoon's scheduled second-string fixture, just until such time as enough fringe players are fit, some trialists actually bother turning up, and some of the regular reserve team finish revising for their SATs. Luckily for Town, their Lincolnshire neighbours have very magnanimously said, yes, that's fine, why don't you come back on Wednesday 23 February instead, perhaps in a bid to repay some of the boundless generosity shown towards them by the Mariners' back three last Saturday.

It is doubtful whether this largesse will extend to using some of their astonishing record profit to help out Town with the Tax Thing, but it is probably the least Lincoln can do to donate a proportion of the proceeds from their hastily released DVD of their 4-2 triumph at Blundell Park. Shall we start a campaign? It's not as if they'd have managed it without us.

Lots of people went to the fans' forum at BP last night to ask John Fenty lots of questions about the Tax Thing and Russell Slade lots of questions about formations. The Grim Tel reckons Russ might finally do right by Andy Parkinson and put him on the wing, but the Diary cannot yet tell you what Positive John said because the club's official site says it's not going to be publishing details until later, and I didn't need to go because I am dead clever and know everything in the world.

Speaking of the OS, it's a shame it hasn't followed the example of more than 70 other official club sites and run anything about this Saturday's Clubs in Crisis day at the Racecourse Ground. It may still be uncertain whether we are meant to consider the Mariners as officially in crisis or not, but Wrexham certainly are, and fans from dozens of clubs are to descend on north Wales this weekend to show their support for the Red Dragons in what Fans United organiser Nic Outterside estimates "could be the biggest display of football fan unity this country has ever seen". The Clubs in Crisis website gives more details.

With that we return to the Diary's bulging postbag and the issue of footballers who have blown on the windy side of the law. "Seeing your alleged criminal record of Mr Love in the Diary," writes Mike Dunderdale, "it reminded me of something my wife said to me the other day - it's not often my wife gives me footy intelligence. Her friend's son plays for a local pub team (no she didn't know the name) in the Rutland area, who recently lost 5-0 to the HMP Ashwell prison team, with the hat-trick hero being a Mr Lee Hughes. Nice to know his talents didn't drive off into the sunset then."

Dan Humphrey, meanwhile, has emailed to ask: "Hey guys, continuing on your recent theme, is it about time for a pro-Pinault banner? Is it fair to say most Town fans are self-confessed Pinault-philes?" Well, Dan, as recently as the Lincoln match the CA team were discussing whether stubborn Mr Russell Slade's determination to leave the Professor on the bench actually grows in proportion to the supporters' vehemence in insisting that he should start. We are beginning to wonder whether some reverse psychology might not be in order, and that only a 'Pinault out' campaign would see Tom restored to the first XI.

"And what is happening with Wheeler?" Dan asks. "A successful loan spell or not? Soames: injured or out of favour? The GET are silent on these matters..." These are the questions on everyone's lips, and the answers are: (a) they want rid of Wheeler but he's still under contract; (b) still injured, probably, not sure though; and (c) Winston Churchill. If you don't know the answer when you're playing Trivial Pursuit, just say Winston Churchill, and you have a 12 per cent chance of being right.

Finally, we discover today that Paolo di Moranio - he of the top cake-baking girlfriend - has the somewhat disappointing but altogether more plausible real name of Paul Moran. The beans have been spilled, and hopefully not on the cake, by Paul's mate Rob Stones, who has emailed to say he actually tasted the Mariners-themed dessert item in question. "Bloody tasty it was too," he writes. "And so it should have been, given that I'd been forced to make the long journey up from London to Nottingham in order to taste it, therefore missing out on the Mariners' only London game of the season. The cake wasn't the only reason for making the trip of course, although as it happened it turned out to be one of the highlights. Having already been mugged of 18 quid for the privilege of watching a truly dire performance at Wycombe earlier this season, I dread to think how much they were charging to watch division 4 football at Brisbane Road. Typically, the Mariners went and pulled off what will probably be the highlight of their season. Nuff said...

"Anyway," concludes Rob, "my thanks go to Paul's girlfriend Liz - the Mariners' very own Delia Smith - albeit about 30 years younger and a hell of a lot nicer looking. (And, unfortunately for us, lacking an estimated personal fortune of 24 million quid to pump into the club.)" It's these cute little flaws that keep a guy interested, though, eh.

Tuesday 25 January
Mariners legend John McDermott turns 36 next month and has been, along with Thomas Pinault, the club's best player this season. You knew all that already, I expect, but what you might not yet have noticed is that Sir John has been taking training sessions and stuff like that with a view to assuming a player-coach role. Mr Russell Slade has explained to BBC Humber that "for John to be taking more responsibility for coaching, it's something we're certainly looking at". Macca has long made plain his wish to move into coaching (not least in the interview he gave Cod Almighty two years ago) and this development results in part from the exit of Town's fitness coach John Gray, whose existence was unknown to anybody outside Blundell Park until he became unfit with a virus three weeks ago. I hope it didn't turn out to be a career-threatening virus and that's why he left.

There is, at the time of writing, no sign of Richard Pacquette, despite yesterday's announcement that the player was about to arrive for a trial with GTFC. It is unclear whether the former QPR forward has realised that his presence at BP would have been no guarantee of a kickabout with the reserves, or has decided that the journey up from Stevenage wasn't justified given Noddy's strange insistence that "we are not in a position to offer [trialists] anything". Either way, Pacquette's fellow trialist who won't be offered anything, the former Cambridge midfielder Kingsley Mbome, has made it to Meggies safe and sound and will hopefully be offered at least a cup of tea and a sit down before Russ phones him a taxi.

Ashley Sestanovich. Spurned by Russell Slade. Prevented by season-long loan conditions from playing for Sheffield United until August. In limbo. Can escape limbo only by accepting offer to sign permanently for another club. Is currently subject of such an offer from Weymouth of the Conference South. Source of considerable merriment for Diary.

Injury victims Justin Whittle and Jason Crowe are running round and round the rugged rock of recuperation, reports Town's official website. The former is training with the first team today for the first time since his ankle was injured back in the days when the Mariners knew how to defend against Lincoln; while Crowe will be seeking to make a decisive contribution to his side's match at Bristol Rovers on 5 February.

"Welcome back Diary," writes Sibbo in, unsurprisingly, an email to the Diary, which continues: "Have been trying to get on the supporters trust website, but without success. Wanted to help the cause as a Town fan. Is there a phone number for new membership?" Well, in a kind of unfortunate reprise of the thigh injury Isaiah Rankin suffered late on last season, at exactly the point GTFC needed him the most, it seems that the trust's website is down for about three days. All this is revealed by a page on the OS, which also gives the phone number you need, Sib. Glad to be of assistance.

Mark Stilton, meanwhile, has news of Town's one-time alleged goalkeeper Andy Love, whose destiny was enquired after on this page yesterday. "I'm sure after several appalling displays (away at Bradford springs to mind) where he made Williams look like, well, look like a slightly better goalkeeper than he is, Andy Love was released from the club. If the rumours are right, I think he then joined a, ahem, prison team. I think he may have nicked a car or something. He was at Ilkeston Town with Paul Reece and Mark Lever after that - don't know if he's still there." Stilts, thank you for that, and remember, readers: all criminal records alleged in the Diary are the views of individual contributors.

And Mark Wilson, finally, has emailed to ask of the cake-boasting star of yesterday's Diary: "How does a bloke called Paolo di Moranio end up supporting Town? Was there a small Italian enclave off Hainton Ave that I didn't know about? Have I spent valuable time bemoaning the lack of decent places to eat in Grimsby and Cleethorpes (that aren't fried fish-related) when there's a little Sicily that's escaped me?" Dunno, Mark - maybe it's the same place they unearthed Giovanni Carchedi. "God bless his missus though," adds MW, "she knows the way to a bloke's heart." I'll say. The stilton and courgette risotto Mrs Diary had on the table when I got home from the Lincoln game was all very tasty but absolutely useless for shaping into the words WE WANT PINAULT ON.

Monday 24 January
Put down your weapons. The Diary is back, and I haven't had my dinner.

North East Lincolnshire, as you know, is a repository of folk wisdom, and the Grimsby area in particular is famed for its wise old sayings. One example is: "Garlic? Urrgh! I'm not eating any of that foreign muck!" Another is: "If it's Monday then there'll be a former QPR striker and a former Cameroon under-21 international on trial at Blundell Park." And how true the latter rings today, as Richard Pacquette and Kingsley Mbome report for duty in DN35. The latter is being released by Town's fourth division rivals Cambridge as they bid to avoid dropping into the Conference, which hardly bodes well; on the other hand, Halifax were bottom of the league when Town signed Paul Futcher from them. Pacquette, who is described as "an absolute top bloke" by a mate of CA's Andy Holt who used to play alongside him in non-League, seems to have been registered with Stevenage Borough for all of five minutes - then again, have you ever been there? - and was apparently an unstoppable goal machine in one early version of Champ Manager. Mind you, so was Andy Parkinson.

This Tax Thing seems to have been the object of some discussion while the Diary has been away, and Chairman John is demonstrating his willingness to enter into the spirit of things by sitting at a fans' forum organised jointly by the club and the supporters' trust. Mr Fenty, who has recently been copying the Diary's mum by advising people that if they can't say anything nice then they shouldn't say anything at all, is to appear at McMenememenmy's tomorrow night to answer fans' questions about said Tax Thing in his best shirt and shoes. Tickets cost two of your Earth pounds.

Sorry to everyone who emailed last week, while I was away, since it is only now that we can turn our attention to your musings. It's nice to hear from Dan 'Same Initials And Number Of Letters In His Names As Des Hamilton' Humphrey again after a long absence, but Paolo di Moranio is certain to become the envy many a Town fan after sending us this lovely picture of a cake his girlfriend iced to celebrate the Mariners' win over Orient the other Saturday. If you fancy bringing her along to meet the CA team for a pre- or post-match drink any time, Paolo, do feel free. It's either that or setting up a cake stand at the back of the Pontoon to raise money for the Inland Revenue.

Roast A, meanwhile, has a question of the 'where are they now?' variety. "After seeing Tony 'Anthony' Williams look even more uncomfortable then me in the exam hall," writes Roast enigmatically, "my question is: whatever happened to Andy 'Where Is The' Love? I've heard some rumours that he actually works for our beloved North East Lincs council (cheers for reducing my mum's pay, council). Surely this is not the case? Will you be able to find out please Diary?" Only by asking the readers, Roast. Readers, is it true? Is Town's former skinhead goalkeeping legend now on the public payroll? Enquiring minds need to know.

Oh yeah - Town lost 4-2 to Lincoln the other day, didn't they? Nearly forgot. Pinault is God, et cetera, et cetera.

Friday 21 January
All the staff at Cod Almighty are hiding so your diary today is brought to you by Last Resort Diary. Hello there.

Let's start with the team news for tomorrow's home derby with Lincoln City. As you will know, Ronnie Bull has got a few weeks off to buy some better studs for his boots after finally managing to get sent off for being an idiot in last week's match with Leyton Orient. The Grimsby Telegraph fancies that Greg Young will replace Bull in an otherwise unchanged side. Macca is expected to be fit after returning to full training yesterday and Thomas Pinault will again be on the bench along with anybody else who happens to be fit, not suspended and still at the club. In other news, Michael Reddy likes playing alongside Martin Gritton and the club are expecting a gate of around 7,500 tomorrow.

Dave Otter has emailed the Diary to let us know that the Rumble Band have been booked for Blundell Park on 8 February. Doors open at 7.30. Tickets cost £10 including buffet, with proceeds going to the Grimsby Town Supporters Trust fighting fund, and are available from the club shop or the trust.

Finally, can I just take this opportunity to say how well the Grimsby team are doing in Radio 4's Masterteam (1.30 pm on Mondays). Enjoy your weekend, especially if you're going to the match. Wrap up warm though, like.

Thursday 20 January
Life throws some harsh lessons at you. Last week today's diary writer was deciphering the finer legal points of gaining access to see his daughter. No sooner had I signed a tidy sum over to a solicitor to sort it out (he wasn't called Slade sadly), then this week I have to get my head round the crisis concerning one of the other loves of my life; namely Town. So it is that the gauntlet is thrown down to the people of Grimsby to prove that they still want their football club with the launch of the "Keep The Mariners Afloat" campaign (as it has been, ahem, 'branded'). The aim: raise £420,000 to pay off the outstanding tax bill, with the club and the directors stumping up the/an additional £300,000. In true Powerpoint presentation stylee, six bulletpoints are laid down: the promotion of the club's profile by local dignatories, the council and various media; higher attendances; increased use of the facilities at Blundell Park on non-match days; more shares purchased in Grimsby Town Football Club; increasing the membership of the Grimsby Town Supporters Trust; and a protected trustee loan account.

Your everyday not-exactly-rich supporter is asked to convince/bribe/drug Mr T style all manner of friends, family and enemies to Blundell Park on matchdays. If you want a slice of the club there is the option of purchasing a minimum of £50 of shares, rather than the £100 minimum as was the case previously. Legends Matt Tees and Lawrie Mac (who can't be short of the odd bob himself) contribute soundbites. All of it sounds like good stuff, but one can't stop hankering that shouldn't these sort of initiatives been spelled out years ago before the majority of the NE Lincs area stopped giving a toss about the club? Anyway, until Mark Stilton finally perfects his time machine, let that be water under the bridge. Now if we could be told how long we have to raise this cash, that might add a little more urgency to the matter...

Cod Almighty's resident think tank has rumbled into action for cash-raising ideas with Messers Metcalf and Hare brainstorming the idea of one of Sam's legendary gigs at BP. Their wishlist consists The Rumble Band, The Hamsters, Pisces, Anal Beard, "that Marti Pellow (?) lookalike from Grimmo who used to be on Stars In That Eyes", Verity of X-Factor, "that bloke who's in Charlie Busted's new band is from Grimsby. Fightstar. I'm sure they'd be up for it", and Rodge Sings Rod as MC. Don't hold your breath.

And don't hold your breath about Ashley Sestanovich appearing at Blundell Park again in the near future. Poor Russell is angered over Stan's tizzy fit at the ref last Tuesday, in addition to his refusal to be a benchwarmer against Swansea. "I've spoken to Stan and I have told him that he can leave." Stan spent yesterday talking to Neil Warnock, who sent the Incredible Sulk for a season in Meggies so he could see if the lad could have a future at his own club. One departure that is confirmed is Darren Mansaram who has sealed a permanent move to Halifax Town for a nominal fee. The Mansarama's move was inevitable once Russ brought in fellow-frontman Martin Gritton.

And here ends the third day of your Leeds-penned diaries for this week. Tomorrow we'll be hoping to give a debut to a promising player plucked from the lower leagues. Remember the days when Town used to do that? The days of Action 88, full houses at BP...

Wednesday 19 January
When times turn bad, your guest diarist is something of a creature of habit. All this talk of Town’s big debts, mounting interest charges, and so on, has led me, unerringly, to the left hand side of the lower shelf of my vinyl collection where music, made for these times, is filed. To some, Patti Smith with the morning muesli is a bit much to take. That’s why I had to pause it, and wait until they’d buggered off to work and school, before cranking it up to eleven. But pissing in a river is most definitely the track for today. I could write you a Nick Hornbyesque paragraph or two, to explain why, but, suffice to say, there’s a song out there that provides an explanation for every tragedy; every emotion; every rock; every hard place. And this is my one for Town. I’d better disengage the auto-repeat button on the dansette now, and move on, leaving you, gentle reader, to decide whether to join me.

I keep re-reading the Fenty Q&A published by the Supporters Trust, as reported in yesterday’s diary. Mr Fenty told them, apparently, that ‘the Club is a community asset belonging to the public’. I hope the Inland Revenue take that view when they assess the ‘public interest’ factor in determining how to extract their pound of flesh: via a couple of murderous hacks without anaesthetic; or by a long series of liposuction procedures with lots of laughing gas to make it all seem rather painless and worthwhile. But whichever way, drain Town’s cash the Inland Revenue will, because the debt is owed. And what goes around, comes around. With the benefit of twenty:twenty hindsight one can argue that costs should have been pruned more ruthlessly – that the squad should not have been supplemented by so many loan players over the last two seasons. Instead we could have thrown in to the first team inadequate and inexperienced squad players. Hell, we went down twice anyway, and the three or four thousand hard-core Town fans would watch almost any team wearing the Town strip, wouldn’t they? But there’s not much point in backwards looking recrimination. Not much point remembering Mr Furneaux telling us at one point something along the lines that the loss of the TV money was OK, because they had already taken it out of the budget. No, now is the time for us all to stop pissing at each other, and to start pissing in the river. Let’s hope it rises quickly enough.

The board, small enough these days to travel together in an average family saloon, went to talk about their problems to that jolly council leader chap Mr de Freitas yesterday. ‘Iron man’ Chief Council Executive George Krawiec, the man the council is praying will stop them from being bullied by the audit commission for being totally crap at just about everything, tagged along. No doubt he said “Problems? I’ll show you flipping problems!” They should have waited until Friday, and got Austin Mitchell in on it. At least he knows the art of seeking publicity, and how to laugh.

Back to the football I hear you plead. Well the Official Site has done a good job in finding out the reserves line up for their Pontins Holidays League Cup fixture at Hull this afternoon. Lots of the names on the teamsheet provoke a reaction of one sort or another: Fraser, Hyam, Downey, Lamb, Crane, Parker, Carchedi, Hildred, Lewsham, Sestanovich, Hockless. Subs: Mansaram, Ashton, Chamberlain, North. No doubt the Downey twitchers will be scurrying over the bridge desperate to be able to brag that they have seen this perverse figment of Russell Slade’s imagination. Sestanovich has had his suspension doubled by the FA to four matches (as reported by BBC Humber). Presumably they really stuck the knife in by also insisting that one of them wasn’t a stupid away reserve cup match in which he would be forced to play!

It’s Lincoln at home this Saturday, and the Official Site, has wheeled out the talkative Mr Fenty to plead with fans to drag along ‘everyone they know’ to the match to swell what promises already to be a very decent crowd. Further down the piece it is explained that the average crowd this season thus far is 4,819. And that, if you take the Grimsby home game out of the Scunthorpe average, the Iron are only averaging 4,778. That brings to mind what dear old Groves said about Town having a decent run (if you take the two defeats out). It’s going to be a cracking game, daft statistical manipulation notwithstanding, and I can’t wait for it. Especially after the injustice of our last minute disallowed goal at the away match. The Grimsby Telegraph tells us that Russell Slade is bothered about Macca’s knee. With Bull and Sestanovich suspended, and Crowe and Whittle definitely out through injury, he really needs the Maccmeister back in training by Thursday. Somehow, I think he will be – he wouldn’t miss this one for the world. And neither would I. See yer.

Tuesday 18 January
No sooner do I come back from making yesterday's post-diary posting cuppa, when I stumbled across a News Story: Chairman Fenty talking about the tax problem, in a nicely thought out question and answer style piece. I won't reprint it, suffice to say it summises just about everything the club is willing to tell you.

No sooner do I come back from making this morning's post-dump cuppa, when I stumble across another News Story: Chairman Fenty seemingly doing something this diary writer learnt to not do after ten pints of bitter and a couple of chasers - fire up the old email when you stumble in at midnight. Look love, take a deep breath and count to ten. And remember to start breathing again. I will surmise this one. Basically, anyone watching Exeter against Man United in the Cup this week will realise it is the fault of our very own players we're in the shit: "With a strategy to balance the books, a decent Cup run alone could well have solved the tax debt." I think that was a very postive observation, apportioning blame to someone other than the board. According to the supporters' trust site, the fighting fund stands at £959 and 20 pence. Good work. Only another £719040.80 to go...

"WHAT NOW FOR BIG STAN?" asks an image of the back page of today's Grimsby Lunchtime Telegraph. If we knew the answer, then we'd have a printed copy of the paper instead of having to rely on the internet, which doesn't seem to carry the story. Also, "pictured on these pages are a few of the great scenes from just the last few years." Yeah, cheers for those as well... It's not like we have the option of buying a copy of the paper in somewhere that is about 70 miles away from Grimmo. And while we're busy dissing the Riby Square Rabble Rouser, the spellchecker alert is buzzing. Define "contribing" Mr Sport Editor.

Over to the mail bag where Michael Shaw has written in to continue today's pulling apart the much maligned local rag. "Does David Pye of the Grimmo Telegraph have any idea how a rollercoaster works? 'If Pleasure Island in Cleethorpes ever want to devise a new roller-coaster ride they could definitely consider calling it 'The Grimsby Town Experience'!'" Without wanting to sound like KITT, please explain, Michael. "Sure, a rollercoaster has ups and downs, just like Town, but at some point in the ride the highs and lows have to meet again, usually where the passengers get off and on. This season has had more dips so far. And a rollercoaster ride that goes uphill for the last third of the ride? Sounds a bit shit to me." Well, Michael, at least the imagery is better than anything Trevor Green would ever attempt or could think of.

Yes! Didn't use any brackets!

Monday 17 January
The Diary is not about until further notice so in absentia the CA team will be spreading the love around. Today, our Leeds-based office runs through the news.

Kiss kiss, bang bang! Russell Slade lets his team's performance in Saturday's deserved defeat of high-flying Leyton Orient do the talking: "Despite what one or two might say, I do believe and my players believe that we are going in the right direction and we are improving." Wooooo, get you Russy! And good on you, man, your brave adherance to fielding Terry Fleming and Stacy Coldicott finally reaping impressive dividends. The joy in Ronnie Bull surprisingly taking to the field for that game seems shortlived though, with an impending suspension due. Russ is going to be sniping for "more bodies".

And with Bull's non-injury, we'd thought the repercussions from last Tuesday's defeat to Northampton were over. Sadly not so as Ashley Ser-stan-o-vich has been slapped with a misconduct charge for "breaching FA rules". No, not for having a moustache that a 13-year-old boy would be proud of, but having "made aggressive and highly charged moves towards [the referee] and had to be restrained by two of his team-mates". 'Highly charged moves' - sounds like what happens when you hold down the fire button on a beat 'em up computer game. Do I need to point out the aptness of that?

OS screen grab

Other miscellanea on this rather news-striken day? Town's youth team notched up a 1-0 win over Boston, bright young hope Joe Lightowler netting. A couple of weeks ago, an eagle-eyed member of the CA team spotted an unfortunate fault with the club's official site: when you rolled over an advertising banner for the Nationwide Building Society you were greeted with the not very flattering message "relegate your fans to the subs bench". Someone is bound to have spotted that, we thought. As the screen grab hanging round the top-right of this paragraph - taken about fifteen minutes ago - testifies, this doesn't seem to have been the case. Colin Cramb, said to be destined for some quality time amongst those liberal minded Danes, has actually washed up at Hamilton Academical.

And, finally, with Town's players looking heartedly impressed at the final whistle with their efforts at Brisbane Road, spare a thought for Peter Taylor. The England u-21 manager - who you might remember didn't want to lend Town one of his legions of strikers - is a bit miffed (we think that must be the first BBC Humber piece that appears to be spellchecked) because a small element of Hull supporters were booing their own players at the weekend. Now with Mariners fans a little more chipper, do we have it in us not to descend to that level?

Saturday 15 January
At the start of today, Town were 16th facing a Leyton Orient side who lay just outside the play-offs on goal difference and had chalked up two home defeats all season. The chances of the Mariners notching their third away win were slender to say the least. And the chances of the game being lively were just as slim. But the only win for an away side in "League Two" was the outcome this afternoon at Brisbane Road as Town ran out 2-1 winners.

Russell Slade's team took the lead after 19 minutes, with Stacy Coldicott and Michael Reddy setting up Andy Parkinson. Reddy was also involved in the second goal, creating room with John McDermott for Andy Parkinson to set up Martin Gritton - his second goal in five appearances for Town. Orient's goal came in the 81st minute from the lively Efe Echanomi, heading home off the post from a free-kick conceded by Thomas Pinault just outside the Town box. The resultant celebrations saw Ronnie Bull shown a straight red card and the home side's Scott Fitzgerald also followed. Our crack team of reporters will report back in due course.

Town have risen to 14th in the table, five points off the play-offs if you're still grasping at a cyclindrical piece of plastic used to suck drinkable liquids through.

Friday 14 January
Due to an unfortunate mix-up in the carrier pigeons Cod Almighty uses to communicate we have two diaries today. Like a choose your own adventure book we'll give you a choice. If you want to read the first diary from a mystery writer go to the next paragraph. If you want to read the second diary penned by Guest Diary, click here. The Diary will probably complain about the cack-handed way we're doing this but it'd be a shame to let either of these go to waste.

Diary #1: written by A N Other
It seems Guest Diary has taken his Reggie Perrin moment to heart, his quill pen and titfer have just been found at the edge of Chapmans Pond.

In his place a mystery guest, special fried rice and chips diarist who refuses to take off his mask. It's Mr E to you.

In a packed programme tonight we shall be talking to ladies who like Nicholas Parsons and parsons who like knicker-less ladies. Or alternatively clicking the mouse in vain search for some sense and sensibility down Blundell Park way. After Tuesday's abject surrender to a, for once, competent opposition Bagruss has leapt to the defence of his under fire playmaker. "I will never drop Thom, he's the first, the last, my everything," he didn't say. Yard Dog Stace will replace him.

Yard Dog? Who said that first? Ah yes, we remember it well. Official messageboard scapegoat Graham Rodger after Stace's return from having three legs amputated. Otherwise known as Nicky Law according to today's haphazard ramblings in the increasingly shonky GET. They needs lessons in spelling, or Spalding.

Yes, yes, but what news of tomorrow? It is Saturday, Town are in that London doing the Leyton walk, oi! No Bull. That's right, no Ronnie Bull and who's crowing now that Mr Versatile Jason Crowe is out until he isn't? We're supposed to be overjoyed by the possible placement of Tony Crane backside on the substitute's bench. And Hockless will be flipped like a toad into the Home Stand.

Elsewhere Town future continues to be Town's past. Ashley Hildred being the 675th ex-Town player to try his luck at York, joining the two Pauls Robinsons and the Lee Nogan in a pear tree.

Ticket news! I've got one, so I can get in. If you haven't it's pot luck whether you can blag your way in as all official channels are claiming Gordon loves Tony and the game is all-ticket for Townies. We've heard that one before. Are they crying wolf? Argue with a burly copper tomorrow to find out."

Diary #2: written by Guest Diary
It's been a John Cooper Clarke of a morning here, in deepest Lincolnshire, as your Guest Diarist moped about, trying to get his head around the fact that Terry Fleming must be better than he actually is. A combative midfield presence was sorely missed during the second half against a decent Northampton side, who out-thought and out-fought Town. Fleming might have remedied the latter, but the former is firmly in the province of Mr Russell Slade who has been disappointing of late, in my view. His doziness, in failing to react quickly to Bull's injury, may, or may not, have cost us a goal. But it definitely raised the collective blood pressure of the Blundell Park faithful as they howled for a very dilatory substitution. Bull has spent the next few days trying to work out which ankle hurts the most, and will definitely be propping them both up on soft cushions during the bus ride this Saturday when the Mariners take on Leyton Orient down the smoke.

The official site has published a preview, which confirms that Bull is 'on the bus'. Fleming also travels, and is bound to be back in the side as Crowe is out with damaged ankle ligaments. The entire back seat of the coach has been reserved for the ample frame of Mr Tony Crane who is going along (just for the ride I predict), to replace Slade's imaginary friend Glen Downey whom, we are told, took a knock in the reserve game midweek. So that's the team news folks, and I'm pleased that London based Town fans have a sporting chance of seeing Thomas Pinault strut his stuff. Long may he swagger. Sestanovich, of course, starts his two-match ban, and there's no news of a club fine for the fucking daft outburst that caused it.

Orient are re-developing two of their stands, so away clubs only get 500 tickets. Scunny managed to sell all of theirs when they went, but my guess is Town will only have two or three hundred fans at the match. If I could be arsed I'd ring the club to ask how many have been sold. But I can't – sorry. Whether the unsold tickets can be bought on the day is another question. Try ringing the Orient ticket office on 020 8926 1010. Allow about two days for this, and expect to hear "I'm sorry there's no-one here to take your call at the moment..." at very regular intervals.

Following the mass hysteria whipped up by those headline loving chaps at the Electronic Fishcake, Town chairman John Fenty will be fending off questions at a fans' forum on Tuesday. Cleverer chaps than me have worked out that the interest penalty on Town's overdue tax bill is likely to be in the region of three hundred quid a day, so this is like having at least three extra Glen Downeys on the payroll. The fighting fund will struggle to keep pace with the interest charges I reckon, never mind the pesky £700k debt. But you have to start somewhere, I suppose. Maybe we should gamble the fund on a Town draw tomorrow at 9/4. Nice price. See yer.

Thursday 13 January
Anyone who has slogged their guts out as a factory temp on the minimum wage or less, while watching their 'recruitment consultant' cream off an extra three quid or more for every hour of slog, will tell you that agents and agencies are nothing more than parasitic slime who make a big wodge out of other people's work. So it is with the, ahem, beautiful game, and a report issued today by the Football League reveals that its 72 clubs paid a total of £5m to agents between July and December 2004. Now with all this kerfuffle about Town's tax debt, you're wondering if any of the hard-earned you stumped up on the turnstile was siphoned off by these sleazebags, aren't you? Don't go to the Mariners' official website, then, because it won't tell you. Go to the Football League website instead, where you can download a pdf file which reveals that GTFC were not one of the 16 league clubs that paid no money to agents in the second half of last year, and in fact shelled out to the men with cigars the tidy sum of £24,020 - or, to put it another way, roughly the equivalent of one season ticket every two days.

Another organisation that enjoys chucking your money about is the BBC, and while the Diary remains adamantly in support of public service broadcasting and the licence fee, it is difficult not to conclude that the spondoolicks Auntie expends upon its Humber area website could be better spent on employees with a basic understanding of the English language. Employees who could report the utterances of Grimsby Town FC chairman John Fenty, for example, without feeling the need to use words that do not exist. Insubmantible my arse.

Town didn't just lose three points in Tuesday night's defeat against Northampton; three players are unavailable as a result of the match. One is Ashley '*%£*£!$!!' Sestanovich, who faces a two-match ban after his sending-off for telling the referee what everyone else in the ground was also telling the referee, while two others are injured. The OS reports today that Russell Slade is "down to the bare bones", informing the world that Jason Crowe and Ronnie Bull are likely to miss this Saturday's visit to Leyton Orient rather than meaning to suggest that the Mariners boss resembles a big, hungry lion that has ravenously chewed all edible flesh, sinew and internal organs from the corpse of a recently killed wildebeest.

In today's super fun bite-sized round-up, the reserves lost 2-1 to Huddersfield yesterday, the consolation goal issuing from the foot of non-existent defender Glen Downey; Hull are slinging 100 big ones Chester's way for that Kevin Ellison, who failed a trial with Town the other year; and USA international John Thorrington has recovered from the trauma of playing for GTFC under Nicky Law and finally resumed his professional career at the amusingly titled Chicago Fire. It's all a far cry from the 1992 Booker prize.

Tomorrow, as is my wont on Fridays, I will leave you in the more than capable hands of Guest Diary, who I hope will be telling you all about his new-found employment as a pigman. Until next time, peace be with you.

Wednesday 12 January
The Futureheads – purveyors of brilliantly structured, short, sharp guitar pop songs or a bunch of third-rate Jam revivalists? Withnail and I – effortlessly superior, superbly scripted dark British comedy or a painfully unfunny dirge of a film pretended to be enjoyed by dope-addled male freshmen? Johnny Vaughan – annoying twat or really annoying twat? All of the above, in the Diary's experience, tend to polarise opinions toward one extreme or the other – as, for that matter, does Jason Crowe, Town's jack of all trades who has most recently made himself invaluable to Russell Slade in central midfield but now faces a spell on the sidelines after picking up some injury or other at the end of last night's home defeat by Northampton. I can't remember what it was and I can't find anything about it online cos I'm in a hurry, but they were on about it on Radio Humberside after the game and it sounded like he'd be out for a few weeks, which is either very bad or very good news depending on which extreme your opinion is polarised towards.

In other news today, Tony 'Arse The Size Of Lancashire' Crane appears in the line-up for a reserve match at Huddersfield this afternoon; BBC Humber can't spell Northampton; and Russ is probably very disappointed with Town's second-half display last night. Me, I thought the referee was awful, yes, and the weather was a bit nasty, but we still deserved to lose. Less a case of tactics – the Mariners were the better side in the first half – more that you don't know what you've got until you lose Terry Fleming with the flu, and, well, the Cobblers looked half decent for once. The one thing guaranteed to take Town into a 53rd successive relegation struggle at this point would be a change of management, so pack it in with all that sort of talk, make yourself a nice cup of tea, and go and watch Ready Steady Cook. It will all be better in the morning.

Tuesday 11 January
Thanks for yesterday, Si.

Brent Sancho may sound like the black-stetsoned, cigar-chewing bad guy in a slow-moving spaghetti western ("Ya shouldn't oughta have done it, Brent Sancho!"), but he is in truth a 27-year-old defender who plays for Dundee and Trinidad & Tobago – and who has apparently been "linked with" Grimsby Town Football Club. Sancho has been at Dens Park for a year and a half, having joined from Portland Timbers, which Diary readers with pachydermic powers of recollection may recall is the USA club responsible for the production line of GTFC talent that provided, er, Jake Sagare. The player is out of contract with Dundee this summer and a report from the BBC alleges that he is in no hurry to sign a new one given interest from West Ham, Coventry and, yes, Grimsby. Hmmmm.

The first man named in Sheriff Russell Slade's posse, Terry Fleming, has come down with that flu thing and may be missing from tonight's shoot-out at the BP Corral with them varmints from Northampton (OK, I'll stop now), and so semi-forgotten midfield enforcer Stacy Coldicott may be given the chance to resume yard-dog duties. A preview on Town's official website reveals that Graham Hockless may also be missing from the squad. Oh, no! Previous influenza victims Michael 'The Full Five Yards' Reddy and Ashley 'Ego The Size Of Grimsby Auditorium' Sestanovich have reaped the benefits of plenty of cuddles and Lucozade, though, and will give Slade plenty of options should he be sufficiently foolhardy to be considering the omission of Thomas Pinault once again.

Town's chance to avenge their one league defeat at Fortress Blundell this season will come on Tuesday 1 March, since this is the date for which the abandoned New Year's Day fixture at Rochdale – who won by the only goal of an absolutely bloody awful game in Cleethorpes back in September – has been rescheduled.

Finally today, Keith Collins has emailed the Diary to pick fault publicly with BBC Radio Humberside. "Radio Hull this morning said tonight's match will be the first opportunity for Town to do the double over a team this season," writes Keef, who is clearly mindful of the six points the Mariners have already taken off Cambridge this season. "WRONG," he shouts, by way of conclusion. Thank you, KC, and wouldn't it be ironic if there's somebody with the initials BP who likes pointing out the mistakes Radio Humberside makes in its coverage of Hull City.

Monday 10 January
Good Lord. The old Sony Ericsson flashed a couple of hours ago with an emergency message from the Diary. "I can't do the diary as I'm moving house. Can we sort a replacement out if you haven't got one already." Uh, we haven't. And it is 12:26pm and I'm just off to the hospital! Sort it out Slade? Sort it out Mr Diary, more like! So, not-so-fresh from a check up at Leeds General Infirmary (a lesson I've learnt over the past month: don't let yourself get run down, as diseases see this as the spur to leap into your body) comes your a-little-later-than-usual diary. Argh, shit, this means looking on the interweb... I was only planning on buying these shoes before I went to bed and organising a couple of drinks in Headingley on Wednesday night with a fellow Town supporter (if any other Leeds-based fans fancy a tipple after work that day, we'll be in Arcadia)...

A scoot to the Grimsby Telegraph site has a piece littered with some Viz-like subheadings, just not as funny. The most notable quote is from Graham Rodger, still humming with a hankering Depeche Mode's Master And Servant: "There have been times when we have dominated teams and not got the result by failing to score." The apparently newly-installed door at Blundell Park marked EXIT (in green) is going to get its full use in the coming month as well. The Slade master decrees "I will listen to any offers for some of the squad players, be it on loan or a permanent move. I am prepared to let some of my players go at any given time, if the situation arises."

Over at the official site, there's an interview with Kevin Drinkell and it was only a matter of time before Dean Gordon's shirt was auctioned off. An all-too-rare fans forum has also been announced for Tuesday 25 January, apparently in light of queries "raised as a result of the news about the Club's tax problem". Quite what light Russell Slade and some players will shed on this issue I do not know; the person best versed in financial poverty left the club for a longer term deal in Denmark I thought.

Desperation... desperation... A quick check in the email inbox finds an email from Andy 'Tips' Holt. "For whoever does today's diary: Terry Fleming and Hockless have got the old virus and are doubtful for tomorrow. Rob Jones is also doubtful. with an ankle injury." Tomorrow? Tomorrow?... Ah, yes! In case you - like Andy last week - have forgotten, Town are playing host to high-flying Northampton tomorrow evening. I forgot too, Ands. At least they won't have to worry about playing Portsmouth in the cup after their weekend defeat to Southampton. Which might not be so good. Anyway, should be a belter.

In "comical connections that we should have made" corner, Jostein Jensen has made a rather deft discovery regarding Slade and song titles. "Glam Rock heroes Slade, that was big in UK in the 70's, had a number 2 hit in 1973 named 'My friend Stan'!" says our excited Norwegian counterpart. Hee hee! By the way Jos, I was watching Ski Sunday yesterday - while making a rather lovely Sunday dinner - and was wondering how does a man discover he is any good at the ski jump? And if you gallant readers might know the answer, why not email the diary using the link on the left and let him know. Until tomorrow...

Friday 7 January
Hello. Return of Special Guest Diary today as our Guest Diary has seeds to sow or something like that. Although I think that GD has seen the lack of news on offer today and done a runner. I guess without a match this weekend there's not a lot to report. There's an article in the GET about the Supporters' Trust teaming up with the board to raise cash for the club, but you knew about that from yesterday anyway.

The OS opts to run with a story that there'll be a penalty shoot-out before the Lincoln game between the opposing sets of fans. Sponsorship is needed to take part and all money raised goes to the Luke Walmsley Sports Foundation. £500k has been raised already it seems, if I've read the report correctly. I wonder if they'd be prepared to loan it to a sports foundation in Grimsby with a slight tax problem?

So, on to your letters and Keith Collins asks us, hypothetically like, "If, with 2 games to play, we find ourselves 7 points away from the play-offs and 17 points away from relegation could we go into administration and have the 10 points penalty deducted from this seasons tally?". It's a good question Keith and who knows? What are the pitfalls of administration? Would it really be that bad? I'm in absolutely no position to second guess of course, but if any of our learned readers have first hand knowledge of this kind of thing then let the diary know what you think via the usual means.

Meanwhile, Will Douglas writes in to say "Happy New Year". Happy New Year to you to Will. But that's not all you want to say is it? "re: Diary for Wed 5th January, " adds Will, "Leyton Orient game is indeed all ticket and tickets should be purchased in advance, but the official site says that stubs are required for the Lincoln game at home, not for the Orient game as the diary seems to suggest." Let me just re-read what the Diary said... I've not been paying attention. Ah right, yes, he must have got a bit muddled. "Might be worth clarifying as there may be others without stubs who have put off plans to travel to the game, as I did until I checked with the club." Cheers Will, consider it clarified.

And that is it really. Sorry, bit rubbish but I've been to the pub and I'm a bit tired. Have a nice weekend all.

Thursday 6 January
Though still smarting from the humiliation of seeing his team's star player inspire a 3-0 win over Cambridge on Monday, Mr Russell Slade has finally poked his head above the parapet to express his hope that Ashley Sestanovich and Michael Reddy will recover from the flu in time to give him the option of dropping Thomas Pinault again for next Tuesday's visit of Northampton. Sort It's brief interview in today's Grimsby Telegraph also reveals that Andy Parkinson's appearance against the Us was made in spite of the fact that he, too, was affected by the virus – and it is surely to the player's credit that none of the four thousand spectators at the game would have guessed from his performance that Parkinson was any less than usually healthy.

A joint statement has been issued by GTFC and Grimsby Town Supporters Trust regarding the club's 700 grand tax debt, in which Mariners chairman Five Star Fenty confirms that there is no imminent danger of the bailiffs squabbling over Town's best crockery but announces the establishment of a 'fighting fund' which "will raise money through donations, promotions and events". No target figure is given for this fundraising exercise, to which fans may contribute, as we discovered yesterday, via the GTST website.

And that is just about that for today, guys and gals, so I'm going to listen to the Annie Proulx interview on the radio. T'ra.

Wednesday 5 January
After about 18 months of relatively balanced reporting on Grimsby Town Football Club, the Grimsby Telegraph today sensationally launches into a furious outburst of sensational frenzy outrage snub fury soccer shame astonishing outburst sensation. The issue is Town's tax bill, and the fact that there is no grave concern among observers with some understanding of the way the Inland Revenue works seems to be no impediment to professional and amateur media that are desperate for a bit of attention. Hence the Revenue's rejection of John Fenty's most recent proposal for settling the debt being represented as a "snub" and a "huge blow" when it is in fact an entirely ordinary aspect of its standard negotiations with companies that owe back tax. While not surprised to have seen the situation exaggerated elsewhere, the Diary is a little disappointed to witness the GT returning to Ambulancegate standards of journalism.

The Telegraph adds that Chairman Fenty is meeting representatives of Town's supporters' trust this Friday. Whether he will be holding out an inverted item of headgear or is just offering reassurance is not stated, and there seems to be no mention of this forthcoming encounter on the GTST website, but there is a page there inviting fans to "donate to the GTFC tax problem". Which reminds me: if any of you have been meaning to give money to the tsunami relief fund but haven't got round to it yet then the website of the Disasters Emergency Committee is the best place to do so.

Ticket news today, and it is alleged by no less authoritative a source than Town's official website that those wishing to enter the Brisbane Road stadium for the Mariners' destiny-shaking clash with Leyton Orient a week on Saturday will need advance tickets. No, really. The OS proceeds to mention that tickets are now on sale to people with stubs from last Monday's game against Cambridge and next Tuesday's against Northampton – in the latter case, presumably, it will be acceptable if the ticket is still attached to the stub – and adds mysteriously: "Season ticket holders can also secure their place." If anyone from the club is reading, then, could they please tighten the bolts around the bottom of my seat.

"Has anyone noticed how Forbes is reluctant or incapable of heading now?" writes the indefatigable Dave the Engineer in an email to the Diary. Yes, Dave – he seems quick enough to recover from mistakes but somehow not the player he was before the court case. "He's still quick enough to recover from mistakes but not the player he was before the court case." Glad you agree. "Jones deserves some praise for the last two games, but star man is Rambo. Welcome back." Well, thanks – it's good to be back, and it's always nice to be missed. Oh, you meant Rambo, didn't you. Damn.

Paul Moran has also emailed the Diary, and he "just wanted to say that for some reason I'm feeling reassured by the fact we've got Martin Gritton in our team. I haven't seen Town play this season so far so can't comment on how he compares to our other options, nor have I ever laid eyes on him, but the facts that (a) we've signed him and he's not on a short-term loan or younger and less experienced than our 'young loaned-out players who need experience'; (b) he's scored 16 goals in a recent season (not in his career); and (c) he chose to come here instead of go somewhere else make me feel quite warm inside." The Diary also experienced a strange feeling of bodily warmth at half-time on Monday, Paul, although this may have been due less to Gritton than to the effects of several pints of Old Mill bitter combined with the length of the toilet queues in the Pontoon.

Tuesday 4 January
Mindful that Russell Slade included a certain French midfielder in the side that beat Cambridge 3-0 yesterday only because of injuries to Michael Reddy and Ashley Sestanovich, and that the GTFC manager then ducked out of a post-match Radio Humberside interview after said French midfielder opened the scoring and created the third goal, the Diary has no wish today to further embarrass our esteemed leader by mentioning Thomas Pinault any more than is strictly necessary.

As we have already seen, Slade was in no mood to face questioning about Thomas Pinault's decisive contribution to yesterday's match and sent Graham Rodger to face the gathered hordes of John Tondeur after the game. And you would think knowing the name of the assistant manager at one of the three senior clubs it covers would be a fairly basic requirement for BBC Humber, wouldn't you? You'd be disappointed, though, as the website of the Hull-based news source today carries a short summary of Radio Humberside's post-match interviews featuring a mysterious figure referred to only as Graham Rodgers. To be fair, Gary, this was precisely the moniker affixed to GTFC's number two by messageboard nesbits as recently as 2003, but I bet Thomas Pinault would have spelt it correctly.

The Diary, I readily admit, has felt no compunction about heaping criticism on some of the Mariners' performances of late. If being out-passed in October by an Ian Atkins team were not bad enough, it was not the happiest feeling possible, the following month, to watch Town players defending a 2-1 lead, at home, against the worst team in the league, by trying and failing to run down the clock by keeping the ball in the corner of the pitch. But let's see some credit where it's due: the second and third goals on Monday were marvellous events to behold, and the big hoof tactics of recent months were notable by their absence. Well, relative absence. How sad, then, that yesterday's Blundell Park crowd is described by Cambridge's official website as giving "very little actual support for their side". And this with Thomas Pinault on the pitch.

Rumours that GTFC are to trim the squad by removing fringe players have come to fruition with the release of young reserve team midfielder Ashley Hildred, who never really looked capable of developing into a player of the quality of Thomas Pinault. Hildred was given a six-month contract when his old deal expired last summer, and went out on loan to Northwich Victoria earlier this season but after failing to impress at the Drill Field slipped even further down the BP midfield pecking order than Thomas Pinault.

"Rambo was excellent at Lincoln," writes Sibbo in an email to the Diary. "By far Town's best player and Rob Jones had a good game. Credit where credit's due." My thoughts exactly, Sib, so tell it to those bastards who won't give the Diary a Visa card. What were your thoughts on the team selection at Sincil Bank, Sibbo? "We were something like 86 mins late in seeing our Thomas take the field." I rather thought that might be the case. "Oh and happy new year to all at Cod Almighty. Let's hope Town get a winning run together very soon in 2005." Thank you very much, and the same to you. I think it's fairly clear what Russ needs to do to to make our hope into reality, isn't it?

Well, that's all for today. I have to drive my nephew Thomas to his friend's birthday party, so let's hope my little Pinault 5 stays on the road in all this windy weather, and Tom can enjoy a game of Pinault the tail on the donkey before he and his friends head out for some ten-Pinault bowling.

Sunday 2 January
Russell Slade's determination to ensure that his best player leaves GTFC on a free transfer at the end of the current season saw him field another Pinault-free XI for the New Year's Day game at Rochdale, but the match became one of three League and Conference fixtures abandoned in the north-west of England yesterday afternoon as the region was pounded by intensely heavy rain. Referee Phil Prosser took the decision to call off the game at half time after consulting with both referees.

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