Cod Almighty - Diary

daily independent coverage of Grimsby Town FC

Diary - March 2007

Friday 30 March
Deviant Diary was right yesterday lunch time when he said that the Town camp was quiet. He was right – it was quiet. Too quiet.

By tea time the redoubtable Lord Buckley had got one of his Myspace gang to write an explosive text message to the Town hordes, hinting that certain players had the temerity to seemingly ignore his contract renewal overtures. And that means if they don't want to be in his plans for next season they might as well not bother turning out for at least some of the remaining games, which will determine whether Town finish tenth, eighteenth or somewhere in-between. Asked about it on Mariners World Lord Buckley looked quizzical. His eyes were raised, his neck craned and then he eventually caught sight of his youthful interviewer who had apparently chosen this week to stand on the top rung of the club step ladder – one hopes in a coquettish posture. Having got over the momentary shock his reply was as forthright as you would expect, but your Guest Diarist detected that he will only play the Town youngsters in some of the games. And almost certainly not on Saturday against a direct and physical side like the Magpies. Perhaps young Master Bennett is not quite ready to be introduced to Mr Lee just yet? We shall see.

Town have about eleven players out of contract at the end of the season, reports the official site, although they retain a one year option on Jones the Lump. But wait that figure has already decreased by one with the welcome news that Danny 'Bosh' Boshell has almost signed a new two year deal. Lord Buckley was kind enough to explain why this contract renewal stuff takes so long in his Mariners Word interview: "Talking to that lot about this stuff just does yer head in". So he will pick and choose his times to speak with his squad – probably starting with Macca of whom he explains that "this will be just a general conversation because he's retiring". Possibly along the lines of "thanks for all you've done, mate and, by the way, do you reckon it's time to feed and weed the lawn yet?" So fans will be anxiously scanning the team sheet for absences that can be put down to contract renewal syndrome.

Meanwhile there is glad tidings to do with all things Croftian. Not only has Mr Croft trained all week and put himself in to contention for a place tomorrow, his missus has had a baby girl. Which I hope is not a cue for daft Premiership-style baby rocking dances if Town are good enough to score tomorrow. Stick with the cigars, Gary.

Sadly the saga of Fenton's knee continues with a precautionary and totally non-illuminating midweek scan followed by Lord Buckley's personal assessment – it's a bit swollen and I think there is still bruising in the joint. At which point I rather hoped that he would break in to that old Alex Harvey classic ("The Faith healer: let me put my hands on you"). It's 50-50 whether he plays, and Sergeant Whittle has been paired with both Grand and Bennett in training. Buckley remains pointed in his comments regarding Peter Bore's sore back. It is sore, "so he says", and apparently he is 'incapable of playing through as little bit of pain". There is a chance that Danny North may be granted a bit of a rest after his hard-working performances of late. Or at least a bit of company up front from Jones. But as ever with AB the job of picking the team does not have a deadline until Saturday dinner so we'll have to wait and see.

Picture the scene. Blundell Park, Saturday, five to three.

"Hey up mate, are you alright? Is Boshell playing? Oh, I see Mighty's had one too many shandies again..."
[long pause]
"...Pitch looks well, doesn't it?"

All over the ground conversations like this happen every home game, and it is great news to read on the official site that the ground staff headed by Mike Phillips have made the final three for best pitch in our division. Alan Buckley made mention in despatches, fondly recalling writing a letter to Mike from his exile in West Bromwich the last time he won it. And acidly pointing out that the judges should take due account of 'what the grounds man has to work with which in Town's case is apparently an old hosepipe like the one AB uses in his garden. Good point, and maybe Mr Phillips is a better bet for advice than Macca, Alan.

Before I go I should mention how pleased I am that the Winter Gardens is hanging on in there after the developers got as far as gutting the inside before deciding it was too much like hard work to actually knock the place down. This place should have listed building status. And while we're at it, so should Blundell Park. Luckily, I don't see either property being demolished any time soon, do you? See yer.

Thursday 29 March
After yesterday's special Guest Diary, the big black hole created by Mr Diary's unexpected walk from the tent will be dug even deeper by me, that is I, Deviant Diary and my three little droogs: speculation, made-up facts, and a mouse called Gerald

Mmm, special Guest Diary curry sauce and chips. I'm hungry.

With just 50 English hours to go before the big showdown for 13th place, each camp is quiet. It's probably down to interbreeding. With no news and no idea, we'll waste your employers' time and ours with idle speculation concerning Ciaran Toner's possible post-summer perambulations. The recently adequate midfielder is claimed to have already promised our cousins Notts County that he wants their babies or something. He must have a thing for empty seats; now that we're filling them it's messing with his mind, and he needs the comfort of a backdrop of black plastic and moaning. Given that the propagator of these thoughts claims that Toner has recently had "a prominent role behind the strikers" while playing on the left of a five-man midfield, you can make your own mind up about its veracity, verisimilitude or vermicelli. You're not getting a link, 'cos it's a rubbish site of made-up nonsense and old hats. Our hats are new.

From something that hasn't happened to something that always does: the Pontins Hellhole Subterranean Homesick Blues League (eastern) league leaders. Yes, leaders of a league. The mixed-up Myspace Men and Motors Mariners stripped two layers of skin off alleged local rivals Happy-Slappy Scunny yesterday with goals from Grand and Hegggggggggggggarty. The lovable OS mangles-a-long like Livvo on a tightrope. It's fascinating, horrific and beautiful all at the same time. "Baraclough almost equalised," reports the site, at a point during the match where the score was 0-0. They forget that Baraclough was actually, factually a Town player once but remember Butler's loan in the dark ages and some bloke called Lycett. Someone could write a thesis on Town trialists, real and imagined.

No-one would write a thesis on Jermaine Palmer's Grimsby Town career, cos there wasn't one. He's now a gas fitter in Halesowen, having resigned from his job knitting cardigans. He fitted three boilers on his first day. Well done Jermaine! And Luton's Michael O'Really is injured again, like we care, or remember.

So then, last night – do anything interesting? Or did you watch our representatives of the national game? Whose idea was it to put Malcolm McClaren in charge? Guest Diary was moved to muse that the wrong Macca's random platitude generator unexpectedly stopped working about a minute into his press conference last night, forcing him to leave the room abruptly, thus proving he's a smiling robot. Personally I think one of the journalists hit on that 1960s sci-fi wheeze to befuddle evil androids and computers.

"Steve, Steve – one question... W.H.Y.?"

At which point eyes roll, machines shake and steam inexplicably shoots out of every orifice. Much like Wayne Rooney in an England shirt.

Let's get back to real football for real people. That reminds me, where's that pledge got to? And will Blyth Spartans fans outnumber us on our own site and petition? Greek Town fan Nicktmesis Meaney is a man who, like the wrong Macca, demands quality balls. "Not to be nit-flippin'-picking, but a short journey "eastwards to Meadow Lane", as mentioned in Monday's Diary, would entail an abso-bleedin'-lutely huge detour via Yerp, Russia, China etc. My recommendation? Go west young man, or south-ish west-ish for the shortest route to Notts." We can assure all our stakeholders that executive action had already been taken. Mr Normal Diary has been sent on a directional reorientation course and will not return until he works out Nicky Law from his elbow.

There's so much more you need to know, but you'll just have to tune in tomorrow to see what happens. The Diary is a jigsaw and this is just a curly bit between the sky and the land, near a bush and boat.

Wednesday 28 March
To prove that he has a life outside the confines of the pixellated screen the Diary is off gallivanting today, so I get the chance to point you in the direction of the rest of your sorry lives. Whither, then? Well if you are a slacker, and by definition if you are reading this column then you must be one at least a bit, then why not head down to the dentists stand at Blundell Park for a dose of hot reserve team action?

The official site has the scoop about the tie against Scunny and reports that it will be a strongish reserve side to face the Iron. In fact to pad out the column inches on a slow news day here is the team news claimed by the OS: Murray; Bloomer; Croft; Harkins; Bennett; Grand; Taylor; Gill; Reddy; Thorpe; Heggaarty. Subs: Heggaarty; Foulkes; Britteon; Davis; Burge; Quinn. Yes, a double dose of action for the young master Heggaarty it would seem. If Town win, and they mostly do nowadays, then they will enjoy a (possibly brief but enjoy it while it lasts) sojourn as table-toppers in the ten team league. Let's hope so and kick off is at 2pm – so hurry up.

The Grimsby Telewag has a comprehensive and illuminating article for once about Nick Fenton's knee. It traces in chronological order the number of knocks, bangs and seemingly innocuous challenges to and on it of late, which all conspired to culminate in him making the mistake that led to the first goal last Saturday. It would be great actually if Cod Almighty statistician and part time T shirt man Andy Holt could construct a pseudo three dimensional graphical time line to chart its condition. If only to outdo the paper that claims nowadays to be at the heart of all things local. Mr Fenton says he is having a rest this week and hopes to be better for the match against Notts on Saturday. Danny North, meanwhile, is under strict instructions to maintain a wide berth and avoid all innocuous activities until further notice.

On a mainly non-footballing note, your Guest Diarist is a casual collector of all words tmetic. You know, like abso-bloody-lutely and Man U-fucking-nited. The latest addition, courtesy of that fabulous sit-com Dinnerladies is Spyro-flipping-Gyra. Please send any good ones you might know to my email address. The pedants among you will no doubt cry in unison that the examples I give are not of tmesis but of expletive infixation, but who gives a shit, eh? Time to go I think. See yer.

Tuesday 27 March
omg wtf m8 lol top8 u thx 4 da add!!! The Myspace Mariners, also known as Town's youth team, will face Colchester in the national final of the Youth Alliance Cup if they can overcome Stockport in the northern area final first. The Essex adolescents beat Swansea 5-1 in the equivalent southern tie at the weekend, says Town's official website, and will next meet the winners of the northern face-off, which will take place at Stockport on the afternoon of Wednesday !!11! April.

Former youth team captain Ben Higgins is following in the footsteps of several local players who never quite made it for the Mariners by trying his luck in the USA. Oh, and that Beckham fella, I suppose. After his release from Blundell Park last November Higgins signed for Eastwood Town but has since been given a chance at semi-pro soccerball, reports today's Grimsby Telegraph, and flew to New York last weekend. The Telegraph website may have had a minimalist makeover, meanwhile, but it's still struggling to reformat printed text for publication online:

"I have been to America before – ironically with Town when former Youth coach Ian Knight arranged to take us over as 12-year-olds to 41

California to play games.

And there's just no way he said "ironically with Town when former youth coach Ian Knight", is there? Anyhow, the Diary's best wishes go with Ben; although I never saw him play (unless he turned out in that weird Macca benefit match against Hull the other year), I quite liked him in the Mariners World interview he gave after he captained the youth team to their cup win the other season. Now, does anyone know whether Graham Hockless has captained Richmond SC to 14 Australian league titles yet?

David Bentley (Blackburn Rovers), Jermaine Defoe (Spurs), Ryan Giggs (Manchester United), Thierry Henry (Arsenal), David James (Portsmouth), Gary Neville (Manchester United), Kevin Nolan (Bolton), Nigel Reo Coker (West Ham), Micah Richards (Manchester City), Paul Robinson (Spurs), Alan Stubbs (Everton), Ashley Young (Aston Villa), Arjan de Zeeuw (Wigan). No, it isn't the Diary's fantasy England team – it's the 13 Premiership footballers who have pledged to donate a day's wages to a hardship fund for nurses at the end of the season. Fans, too, can sign up to support the May Day For Nurses campaign and, although its website seems almost befuddled by the notion that people might support clubs outside the Premiership, you might want to give it a look. That's all for today – t'ra for now.

Monday 26 March
Alan Buckley and a few thousand Town fans will have been sorely frustrated when the team just about waved cheerio to any hopes of making this season's fourth division play-offs by losing at home to Peterborough on Saturday. It's not all bad news, though, because the Mariners' renowned administration team will have been breathing an almighty sigh of relief. If the club had still been in with a chance of making seventh place come the last game of the season, Town's backroom staff could have faced a huge backlash for their decision last week to refuse 1,500 standing tickets at Shrewsbury, leaving travelling Mariners with just 500 seats for the game. Thanks to the errors that handed the Posh their two decisive goals, though, a play-off place would now seem to be beyond Lord Buckley's side – who will now be playing only for the small matter of pride and their professional futures when they head to Shropshire on 5 May – and Town fans' demand for tickets should be considerably lower as a result. Don't you just love a happy ending?

There are, of course, another six games to play before we cram into that shrivelled allocation at Shrewsbury to bid farewell to Sir John McDermott. The first of these is away at Notts County this Saturday, and Town's official website has today published its regular travel guide for those making the short journey eastwards to Meadow Lane. Standard adult tickets will cost £16 each, the OS informs us. Concessions are available, it seems, but only for over-65s who are in full-time higher education, as the £9 "senior citizen" tickets come with the proviso "proof of age and student card required". I've heard of lifelong learning but this is ridiculous.

Friday 23 March
Notorious Grimsby heterosexual Peter Bore has jibbed out of training all week complaining of a sore back. And Lord Buckley was quick to set the record straighter than his teenage 'prodigy' on Mariners World when pointing out that the lad had not complained of a problem before being substituted last Saturday. So Peter Till it is then, whom I'm sure will win a very well-earned start against Peterborough tomorrow. Thank your lucky stars, gentle reader, for that switch will surely minimise the chances of local headline writers attempting to conjoin the name of the sulky young teenager with the name of the opposition in a most unedifying way.

Our esteemed manager was also quick to point out to the young chap interviewing him that he would have preferred it to be eight wins out of eight, rather than the actual paltry return of twenty one points from the last available twenty four. Nonetheless his conversation continues to be lightly peppered with the word fantastic and he has apparently told the Telegraph that there is a target of sixty points for the season. In the event that this is attained a new target will, of course, be set although I think that the word seventy was used in lightly ribald jestery by the great man.

To return to yesterday's news, Paul Ince was goaded in to signing prolific striker Isaiaiah Rankin on loan. The aerobically-challenged Rankin may have to get up and run about as early as tonight when Macclesfield play at Mansfield. Thanks for the goal Mr Rankin. Luton's Michael Reddy will continue to play up to seventy three minutes of reserve team football for Grimsby about once a fortnight I suppose.

The effect of defeat by the likes of Grimsby has hit Swindon's manager Sturrock hard. As he promised he would he went out and signed a whole new team this week. This batch included Kevin James from Forest who looked a decent player for us until he first dislocated his shoulder, and then threw up his own pelvis because of the pain last back end. As you may just have detected I can't be arsed to write any more about 'emergency loan deadline day' or whatever it is called. Just leave me alone and click this link if you really want to know how desperate Leeds are, or where Nicky Rizzo ended up.

So, will we win tomorrow? And can we possibly keep another clean sheet with the possible prospect of the Posh sticking the beanstalk Futcher up front for the last ten minutes? One thing is for sure they will play a different way now that Alexander has gone. Resident Town monotone Mr Watkiss has been to see them and confirms that they do indeed play differently to the sides we have faced lately. But no indication is given as to how, so we must do as AB does. Wait and see that is, for Buckley still resolutely professes to ignore the opposition. Don't you just love him? See yer.

Thursday 22 March
What was yesterday's Diary on? A small toadstool near Grainthorpe? I think it was about this, but you never can tell these days with this bunch of abnormal diarists that drift down the Humber.

I'm Deviant Diary, you're not. Got a problem with that?

What's the big world news? The budget? Nah. The international crisis over North Korea's nuclear programme? Don't be silly. It's emergency-loans that-are-not-emergencies loans-not-transfers that's-something-else-entirely deadline day, and Isaiah Rankin is still here. The Galactic Emperor hath decreed there shall be no incoming missiles, so Town have until 5 o'clock to get rid of the undead. The de-lovely, de-lightful official site claims that there is interest in Rankin from an unnamed club, thus breaking up the promising strike force that has terrorised the Eastern Pontins Floodbarrier Reserve League. Ah, but which unnamed club? Brentford? Perhaps. Torquay? Could be. ITV's fat club? Gotta be.

Aye yes, things have only got better since that glorious day in November on the South Bank when 18 matches of misrule were ended. The reserves (aka Graham Rodger's first team and some kids) are as unstoppable as the Real Thing we see every Saturday afternoon, winning away at Hartlepool.

It's tenuous, or as some emergency diarists have sometimes called tetanus, link time. Oh thank you oh magnificent ones, we are blessed and are not worthy. How did we get this shower of stale golden breadcrumbs? Mr Neil Woods' nephew is in the Chelsea first-team squad. As Rowan – or was it Martin? – said: "I didn't know that." I do know, and the world feels a safer place already.

Town are back to normal, where nothing really happens between games, so a young man's fancy turns to thoughts of cotton imprints of ancient Mariners. Where's that T-shirt eh? Here's the answer. Flying in from Rio, or whichever foreign clime he's jaunting in today, comes an abject apology from Cod Almighty's tame capitalist and T-shirt impresario Mr Andy Holt. I quote, so his crack team of litigation specialists don't batter down my e-door: "Sorry to all those who ordered T-shirts in the last month but have not seen anything or had a reply if they've chased them. I'm in parts foreign and have been pretty much for most of the past forever and will get round to all the orders on my return". So he's sorry, he's out of the country, he has your money, he promises to come back one day and sort it out. Maybe he's not so tame after all. You can buy an awful lot of curare for £12.57.

If there was a Cyril in the room he would, for the second day running, have a final Diary paragraph addressed just to him. Enraged by the latest cackling evil being spewed out by Ponceyship employees your own, your very own, Cod Almighty has created a safe haven for dissent. You are urged to sign the pledge to save the planet. Say yes to draws and tomorrow the world, Pinky!

Wednesday 21 March
"I say Jeeves"
"Sir?"
"Do you remember PG Wodehouse?"
"PG Sir?"
"Yes Jeeves. 'Post Grimsby'. Well it seems there's a bit of an imbroglio – if that's the word I want – with his players licence. You see he can't decide if he wants to be an association footballer or not."
"That was rather the impression I got watching the gentleman play last season Sir."
"Exactly Jeeves. Seems Gussy Fenty Nottle is holding his football licence at arms length while standing on an enormous chair, and the pug faced pugilist just can't reach it. So, before he can play for the mighty Chester Town Rovers the whole bally mess needs sorting out. Worse still, if PG doesn't return to league football I'll be forced to marry that soppy Madeleine Bassett creature."
"Why Sir?"
"Well his next fight is against Madeleine's fiancée Bingo Little. He's bound to beat Bingo to a pulp and then yours truly will be next in line for the vicar and the fish slice!"
"Most disturbing Sir"

In other news Luton's Michael Reddy has been doing his bit for Comic Relief sporting a red nose in Asda. Quite apt as he has been having a good laugh at the club's expense for over a year now.

And finally Cyril, Super-Messiah-God-still-disliked-by-some-fans-for-no obvious-reason-Buckley has been giving his thoughts on Rafael Benitez' idea of allowing poncey Premiership reserve players to play in the Man's Leagues. He's against it, basically, as any sane person would be. We don't want to be xenophobic at all but the paella munching, afternoon snoozing, bull stabbing manager can get on the first orange boat back to Spain as far as we are concerned.

And it's goodbye from me.
And it's goodbye from him.
Goodbye!

Tuesday 20 March
A month after Martin Paterson departed Blundell Park, Town's chairman has urged fans "not to be confused" about the end of the Stoke striker's loan. Fans were not so much confused as annoyed when it emerged in mid-February that Paterson could have stayed longer had the club informed the Football League during the January transfer window of an extension to the player's loan. In today's Grimsby Telegraph, though, John Fenty seems to suggest that the club took a deliberate decision to send Paterson back to the Potteries rather than let him slip away through administrative neglect. "When you have good players, why would you want to try and keep hold of those that you can't keep long term?" is the chairman's rhetorical question. "Because they might be even better than the good players you have, and in the short term they might help you escape relegation from the Football League," is the Diary's equally rhetorical response. In the event, Lord Buckley's faith in Danny North has been fully justified – but does Mr Fenty expect us to believe firstly that North, as well as he has played in the last month, is already every bit as good as Paterson; and secondly that, given the chance, Buckley really wouldn't have wanted to keep Paterson for the rest of the season? We're not meant to be confused, remember.

Many Diary readers will remember seeing Kevin and Dave Moore playing for the Mariners. Some might even have been there when their brother Andy made an appearance. Few will be of such seniority, though, to have been at Blundell Park to watch their uncle Norman Moore, who has died aged 87. The Grimsby Telegraph seems the best place to read more about his time with GTFC during the turbulent years of the early 1940s and to take in the reminiscences of nephew and current Town physio Dave. It might take a lot to unite the peoples of Grimsby and Hull, but it seems that Norman Moore will be mourned by both.

Opinions about Radio Humberside continue to vary wildly. There are those who insist that David Burns is single-mindedly dedicated to a fiendish plan for the total annihilation of Grimsby Town Football Club. And then there are those who aren't certifiably paranoid. Dan Humphrey, for his part, is convinced that the station is unjustifiably neglecting the Mariners in terms of live coverage, emailed Humberside to complain, and then emailed the Diary about the response he received: rather mystifyingly, it seems to be a copy-and-paste job about the recent broadcasting rights dispute between GTFC and the BBC, which I thought ended in about November. "What's the point of complaining if they misunderstand your complaint?" he asks. "Or should I complain about mishandling my complaint via a separate second complaint!??!?" Incontinent punctuation helps nobody's cause, Dan, but regardless of the substance of your original complaint you are quite within your rights to be dissatisfied with the Corporation's response. Mind you, at least we've still got public service broadcasting. Once News International is allowed to buy the BBC, your complaints about the total lack of fourth division football coverage anywhere on the airwaves will be met by a visit from your friendly local Murdoch death squad. That's not paranoid: that's The Truth!

Al Wilkinson got one. David Wilkinson got one. But the Diary was refused one by a girl on the turnstiles with an extraordinarily big mouth. We are talking, lest you dunno, about the vouchers promised to season ticket holders attending last Saturday's Town match, which would save five quid on the price of their next season ticket. "And I didn't need to ask," writes Al. "It was thrust into my hand by a funny-looking fella who has now saved me a fiver." David's was similarly thrust upon him – "after an argument when I tried to give it back. A steward pounced on me as I approached the turnstile and shoved a voucher into my hand. I protested that I didn't have a black and white shirt on and, therefore, was unworthy of the honour. I handed it back – only to have it put firmly into my coat pocket by said steward. She had such an engaging smile that I didn't want to disappoint her by refusing – perhaps she was on some sort of commission? So I accepted. Getting to my seat I remembered it was in my pocket and threw it away and then related the story to another season ticket holder. On being told that it was also a discount voucher for season ticket renewals there followed an undignified sifting of the various detritus at my feet to retrieve the now precious document – found just in time not to disturb the 30-second applause. Phew!"

Well, as long as you lot are happy. And despite Town failing me on their promise of a discount voucher, I am too, because it's a short week for your regular Diary. Now, over to the guest diarists' bench, and I'll see you next Monday. T'ra!

Monday 19 March
Other than the brilliant Paul Bolland and the wonderful Justin Whittle making the fourth division team of the weak thing, there has been very little in the way of news since Town turned in their best all-round performance of the season in overcoming Swindon on Saturday. It's a good job, then, not only that the Diary can titter at the Grimsby Telegraph's assertion that under a 4-5-1 system "the lack of support for the hard-working Danny North is noticeable by its absence" but also that you readers have been quick to email the Diary with your impressions. Of the match, I mean; you haven't been going on a 12-hour bender, falling into Cleethorpes Boating Lake, and saying: "Look – I'm Andy Flintoff!"

The first of you to have dispatched your thoughts along the worldwide intermailwebnet is Guest Diary, who ended his work here on Friday by reflecting that despite Town's excellent recent results there was still "a certain, er, fragility about it all". GD has been moved to repent his faithlessness by the rock-solid performance of the team captain against Swindon. "Justin Whittle," he writes, "there are many words to describe thee, but none of them is 'fragile'. A commendable performance, and Fenton too got better as the match wore on. I missed the goal for the same reason as Lord Buckley – our eyes were locked on the flagging linesman. And a final word for the Deadman – an excellent match you had, sir." The unexpected competence of the referee is also raised by John Ide, who writes: "I was very peeved on Saturday as the Deadman didn't live up to my lowly expectations. He even played an advantage for us to score. That is not the delightful deadhead we know and love. Please can we have the normally awful refs that we in the basement deserve?" Don't worry, John – bad refs are like waiting for a bus. Nigel Miller and Carl Boyeson are sure to be just around the next corner.

"Being a staunch trade unionist I am not renowned as a dobber," writes Dave the Engineer, as a prelude to dobbing his good friend Sibbo right in it. "One startling fact I wish to share with you: on Saturday Sibbo chose not to attend the Swindon match, thus missing signs that spring has come (Tony Butcher had shed his winter coat) – perhaps a trifle early, some might say. Is there a song in there? Instead he crossed the border and watched the Owls take on his ex-love, Wolves. Cast aside for a Yorkie. This will never do, especially when managed by a thrusting not-so-young executive. I chose to wear my Ivano T-shirt and stand alone in the Rutland. The reason unknown. Another song perhaps?" Yes – The Bravery's 'Honest Mistake', perhaps. Or Deacon Blue's 'I Was Right And You Were Wrong'. Alternatively, if we want to focus exclusively on Saturday's proceedings at Blundell Park, Chris Isaak may have the answer in 'Wicked Game'.

We will finish today with a dialogue that took place at 3pm on Saturday between the Diary and a turnstile-operating lass with a voice like a foghorn and a penchant for interruption.

Diary: "Have you got one of them vouche..."
Lass: "YOU ONNY GEDDEM IF YER WEEERIN A TOWN SHERT!"
Diary: "Er, but they said season ticket holders coul..."
Lass: "I ANT GOT NUN LEFT!"
Diary: "Ah right... so... whe..."
Lass: "YULL AVE TER GUTTERVER CLUB SHOP!"
Diary: "Is it o..."
Lass: "YER CAN GO AFTERVER MATCH!"
Diary: [runs away into BP, whimpering]

So, did any season ticket holders manage to get one of the vouchers we were promised for five quid off the price of next season's? Email and tell the Diary – preferably speaking in your turn with the softest, gentlest words you can find.

Friday 16 March
It's the kind of Friday when you wake up to the sound of being castigated for throwing away your tatie peelings and used tea bags. And when you have got over that you end up listening to Yesterday in Parliament and discover that the contingency fund for the London Olympics is now bigger than the original flippin' budget! When they were all shrieking and hugging on the day 'we' got the Olympics we had a competition in our house to guess how much they'd spend to allow us the privilege of hosting a games populated by a bunch of drug-pumped primadonnas. At the time our consensus was fourteen billion quid. So with five years to go we are on track, don't you reckon? Seb Coe was grilled by Peter Levy on Look North the other night and was reduced to trying to justify the whole thing by saying: "Don't worry, I don't come from London. I know what is beyond the M25." He was in Boston at the time, so full marks for turning right off the A1, I suppose. But these east midland centres of excellence are not going to be in Lincolnshire, are they? Geoff Capes never needed 'em, anyroad, and if arm wrestling had got the funding it deserved where would it be now, eh? Eh?

Having used up my Cod Almighty quota of exclamation marks, it is time for your Guest Diarist to move on and discuss weightier matters – like what are the top two Town goalless draws ever? All I can say is they would not have benefited from a scoring competition after the end, would they? And also what are the chances of having Boshell as part of a five-man midfield to fend off the Swindon tide tomorrow? Bosh, as I can't resist calling him, although we are by no means well met, is in possession of the Town ice pack after going over on his ankle in training on Thursday. The Grimsby Telegraph told me this, and also let me in to the great Tony Thorpe secret. It has finally been revealed that the 'veteran frontman' (copyright GT) has had a hamstring injury all this while. And now he has got gastroenteritis. So now we know. Which is a good job because the official site, running the same story about a month late, made a right pig's ear of it as usual.

Lord Buckley has also demonstrated his telepathic powers by knowing that Swindon are third, despite denying he ever reads the league table. But if you believe that tosh from the Telegraph then you are not a Mariners World subscriber. For what the great man actually said is that he looks at the table, but doesn't study it in any detail. It takes a thousand games in managership to get that good. And he will have to be good this week when he writes the teamsheet because the Bore/Till decision 'just gets harder' (copyright Masterchef). Gary Croft has trained all week (no doubt due to an unseasonal downturn in the Grimsby housing market), as has Mr Fenton, whose achilles must have settled down again. Town were on Ceefax twice last night – once with the Reddy fable and the other time to report that Jimmy Hunt has signed up for another month at Town. The Telewag runs the same story, I see, but didn't bother to get a quote from the man about why he won't kiss and make up with his own team.

So an so an in-form team will meet a fairly in-form good team. Are we really in form though? There is a certain, er, fragility about it all, don't you think? And that's why we love 'em. And that's why you should get yersens down to Blundell Park to see what happens after the clapathon. See yer.

Thursday 15 March
Football League sponsor Coca-Cola could find itself with egg all over its sticky face this afternoon if chairmen and managers chuck out proposals to 'decide' all drawn matches with penalty shootouts. The new official names given to the league's three divisions in 2004 – when the global fizzy drink corporation began its commercial partnership with the league – still sound stupid today, and in the week when Coke extended its sponsorship deal, representatives of the 72 clubs have been forced to consider the preposterous notion of abolishing draws. The early signs, thank God, are that the idea will be laughed out of court, with officials of several clubs already queueing up to condemn it. Not that the rule change would have made a great difference to the Mariners recently, with the side having drawn only once in Lord Buckley's 20 league games back in charge, but it would be good to hear some confirmation from Blundell Park that Town's own crack football administrator John 'Fentydome' Fenty will be doing his bit to protect our sport from crackpot American brainstorming. Real football for real fans, remember.

Stoke manager Tony Pulis may be insisting that they play "men's football" at Grimsby, but much attention around Blundell Park has turned recently to the activities of Town's boys. So it is that an interview with youth team midfielder Josh Burge finds its way into today's Grimsby Telegraph. Young Josh, who has been on trial at Aston Villa recently, gives the paper a glimpse into the average day of a Myspace Mariner, revealing that his first job of the day is to clean the boots of Town's heroic but kinetically challenged forward Gary Jones. Any chance you could equip them with tiny jet engines on Saturday mornings, Josh?

That's nearly it for another week from your regular Diary, but before I hand over for tomorrow to one of Cod Almighty's team of redoubtable guest diarists there's an email – from one of Cod Almighty's team of redoubtable guest diarists. "At the risk of being arrested for harassment with all these persistent emails," writes Durham Diary, who only two days ago was using this page to plead his case as a poverty-stricken student, "I just wanted to point out the auction on the OS for spending a match day in the boardroom. It all looks very nice and sounds like a good day out, but if you actually follow the link to the eBay page (which I did, purely in the interests of extended procrastination), the item is listed as 'used'. Thought you might find some funny comment to pass on this in your Diary if you're bored one day this week." Thanks, DD – very thoughtful. But you don't think they're going to buy new chairs and plates and stuff, just for you, do you? Cuh! Anyone would think you were at a really posh university full of people who weren't quite clever enough for Oxbridge.

Wednesday 14 March
Luton's Michael Reddy may have taken his last embarrassing dive in a Grimsby Town shirt. A newspaper interview with John Fenty reveals today that talks to extend the knackered player's contract beyond this summer have ended with no sign of imminent resumption, and Reddy could be allowed to leave the club on a free transfer in a couple of months' time. Though not ruling out a new deal for the perma-crocked Hatters frontman should his perennial hip problems be miraculously resolved at some point soonish, Fenty makes clear that Town will no longer pay his wages otherwise. "Michael did turn down some contract offers that were put to him several months ago now," the Mariners chairman has told the Grimsby Telegraph. "They were finally removed from the table when it became very clear about his injury status," Fenty adds, suggesting a thorough reversal of the transfer policy that brought about the 68-minute GTFC career of injured Australian Nicky Rizzo earlier this season.

With Danny North having scored some goals recently and Straight Peter Bore having held down a first-team place for a good few weeks now, all eyes are on the Mariners' youth set-up in the hope of further home-grown gems being unearthed from the agricultural diamond production line. This is how come we actually know that the Myspace Mariners have reached the Football League Youth Alliance League Cup Northern Final, as Town's official website calls it today, and it is also to the OS that we are indebted for the revelations that their opponents in this game will be Stockport, who overcame the youth of Scunthorpe in the other semi-final, and that the winners will face either Colchester or Swansea, who are contesting the southern regional final. Cor, it's just like the Auto Windscreens again. Except without Wembley. Unless the toilets overflow at the England u21 game and they need an extra 'ramp-up' event before the FA Cup final.

Ever feel like football supporters are treated like idiots? Well, that's why websites like Teamtalk can run a story about Graham Rodger being happy to return to his old job as Town's football in the community person, headline it Rodger glad to be back at Magpies, and still expect you to visit all their sponsors and earn them loads of money.

And don't expect anything better from the people who run your game, as the Football League has recently extended its sponsorship deal with the fizzy pop people who are running a competition to emotionally blackmail us "real fans" who watch "real football" into drinking far more of the "real thing" than is good for us. John Ide, meanwhile, has emailed the Diary to warn: "Just seen on the fizzy pop website that the idiot in the middle on Saturday is the delirious, delightful Darren 'The Deadhead' Deadman." Ah, yes – the referee who sent off Paul Bolland at Wrexham for, er, receiving one yellow card; who all but caused a riot against Hartlepool; and who gave up and walked off the pitch last summer because he couldn't even get the substitutions right in a pre-season friendly between Luton and St Albans City. Hold on tight, kids!

Tuesday 13 March
The passing of Bernard Morley is to be marked before this Saturday's match not with a minute's silence but with one of those formal periods of clapping which have very recently become the done thing. The Grimsby Telegraph reports a club statement that "30 seconds of rapturous applause" will precede the game against Swindon to honour both the former supporters' club chairman and GTFC employee Nikki Roberts, who worked in the players' lounge at Blundell Park and died two weeks ago following a lengthy illness. "Instead of having a minute's silence, we are going to have a period of applause," John Fenty has told the local paper. "I am pretty sure [Bernard] will be looking down and smiling on us. I think he would appreciate that. Hopefully we will get a win on the back of it, too, in his memory."

Inexplicably pluralised former Mariners boss Grahams Rodgerses, who returned to the Blundell Park payroll a month ago, still wants the best for the club and hopefully can help that in his role at the Football in the Community. "I still want the best for the club and hopefully I can help that in my role at the Football in the Community," he has told the Grimsby Telegraph. Good luck with that, Grezza.

Professional footballer? Professional boxer? Or just a full-time ditherer? It must be at least five minutes since the twists and turns of Curtis Woodhouse's sporting career last made the headlines, so let's check on what the former GTFC playmaker is up to these days. Curt signed an 18-month contract with the Mariners in January 2006, you may recall, with the intention to swap the pitch for the ring six months later. Within three months, however, he twatted a copper in Bridlington, and was sentenced in November to 120 hours of community service – which had to be completed before the British Boxing Board of Control would renew his licence. Whether that has happened the Diary knows not, but when Woody went back to football in the autumn to sign for Rushden & Diamonds of the Conference it seemed that his pugilistic days could be numbered, and this week it looks like the player/fighter's second U-turn in a year could soon be complete as Town's thuggish fourth division rivals Chester have expressed an interest in signing him. "I spoke to his boxing agent on Friday night and he told me he's available," said comedy Deviants chairman Stephen Vaughan, though there is no word yet from Hollywood on the bidding for rights to produce the Woodhouse biopic.

Last up today, our higher education correspondent Durham Diary has taken time out from his hectic schedule of living it up with the Oxbridge rejects to comment upon yesterday's raging controversy surrounding the funding of university education. "They have loans and grants you know, you don't even have to be able to pay yourself," writes DD. "I can't count, can't punctuate my own sentences and can't get out of bed, yet here I am." The hour still being before 2pm, I am compelled to point out to any readers experiencing feelings of dizziness and confusion at this point that Durham's email was sent last night, not this morning.

Monday 12 March
Are Town going to be relegated? No! Are Town going to make the play-offs? No! Is the Diary happy about this? You bet your fishy Grimsby ass I am. Following the side's sixth win in seven games at Hereford on Saturday Lord Buckley's men appear to be in danger of nothing more cardiac-straining come the end of the season than a battle for 12th place, and with a mid-table finish on the cards for only the second time since, I dunno, John Major was prime minister or something, the Diary's heart and nervous system will be more than grateful for the break. And no, during the final game of the season when a lackadaisical Mariners side enjoying a 90-minute warming-down session slumps to an anticlimactic 2-0 defeat against a Shrewsbury team pushing for the final play-off place in front of a capacity home crowd bidding farewell to Gay Meadow, you may not quote me on that.

In all our intense excitement about not being thrown out of the Football League for the first time in 97 years, let us not overlook the efforts of Town's youth team to promise a happy tomorrow. The Myspace Mariners were in action on Saturday in the semi-final of their regional Youth Alliance Cup thingummy, and overcame Chester by two goals to nil to set up a final against Stockport or Scunthorpe. So if this crop of young local players can live up to its promise, GTFC could have a Grimsby Nation team to be proud of by the time the club moves in to the Fentydome, assuming that the bourgeois politicians manage to address carbon emissions by just enough to stop the east of England vanishing under water by the middle of the century. Fans of awesome footballer names, meanwhile, who are already hoping Ellis Humble, Mackenzie De Vries, Robson Burnett, Cole Mills and William Mumby-Croft graduate from the Mariners' youth system, will now be overjoyed to be able to add Caine Winfarrah to the list. Are all the parents in North East Lincolnshire on drugs? Actually, don't answer that.

Another name to look out for in the future will be Ryan Bennett. It's a bit less of a weird name, admittedly, but by all accounts the player to whom it refers could turn out to be a wonderful new Peter Handyside or something. In case you haven't heard, Ryan is a 17-year-old central defender from Great Yarmouth snapped up by the Mariners when Ipswich let him go the other year, and was given a first-team squad number a month or two ago when Town were so severely short of personnel at the heart of the defence that poor Danny Boshell had to play left-back so that Tom Newey could fill in at the middle. Oh yeah – and he's signed a two-year pro contract. Bennett, not Boshell. Although I'd like Boshell to sign one as well, now you come to mention it.

"I am not sure it was wise of the Diary on Thursday to include the word 'neologism' without reference to Wikipedia or similar," writes Clav Divs in an email to the Diary. "However, this is based on my assumption that CA readers are a typical cross-section of GTFC fans, and not just a bunch of university undergraduates who are probably more likely to come across the word in the lecture they attend every sixth day. Or is my assumption wrong? Are those that Sing When They are Fishing actually English language scholars, taking to the high seas with the Concise Oxford Dictionary to read in between hauling up nets? Or am I the only thick twat?" You don't seem like a div to me, Clav, but the Diary's impression is that universities these days will take in any thick twat who can pay the bloody tuition fees. This excludes Diary readers, naturally, who are indeed the keenest-minded, most literary and discerning group of football supporters anywhere in the world, by definition, and the rest of the Cod Almighty team, who can sometimes be heard chanting: "The sole occasions on which we vocalise melodically coincide with those upon which we forage for piscean life forms!"

Nick Meaney brings today's Diary to a close with an email asking: "Is it just me or is Nigel Gobshite Adkins at Scunthorpe the most annoying King of Cliche, or what? Live the dream? Process goals? Do what?" After the last few months of listening in vain for an Alan Buckley interview on Radio Humberside after matches, Nick, and hearing Adkins' soporific monotone instead, no, it's not just you. "It's bad enough that his team keeps winning, it's bad enough seeing little daytripping Iron-ites wearing their nasty claret SUFC shirts down Cleethorpes prom on a Sunday (never used to happen), but bloody heck, suffering Nige's stream of conscious/pseudo-management-speak warblings on Sky this lunchtime put me off my peanut butter on toast." Well, the CA team are actually delighted for Scunny and their cute little run of success but yes, Adkins is indeed the most tedious man in football. And yes, we are almightily jealous.

Friday 9 March
Mr Michael Reddy, the man who dreams that he gets as much ass as a toilet seat, remains too unfit to play first-team football. The Grimsby Telegraph tells us that he played a bit for the reserves on Monday, but that's his lot for the minute according to Lord Buckley – although the great man appeared to be slightly amazed to report that the 'mercurial' Irishman had turned up for training the next day after his big comeback match. This is the end of the Reddy bulletin – which was sponsored this week by Toilet Duck. Remember, gentle reader, the liver is evil and must be regularly punished...

Of more pressing concern to your Guest Diarist is the other news in the same article that Nick Fenton limped out of training yesterday with a sore achilles. Now this is an injury that I know something about, having had a dodgy achilles for ten years or more. I have it on record from none other than the bloke who used to be physio for Wimbledon in the early nineties that you can't really make 'em better – you just have to wait for them to get better on their own. He then proceeded to prescribe six expensive weekly visits to him so he could, presumably, watch nature take its course. Oh what tales he told, though, of derring-do with the Crazy Gang, and watching Linford Christie improve dramatically after a course of 'special' injections. Any road, Fenton had ice applied to his sore bit and is hoping it goes off. Young Mr Grand is on standby to deputise.

The wires have been singing clear up from Hereford county about how well those bullocks are doing this season. Lord Buckley has relied a bit on reports from his assistant to know this, but his opinion is more entrenched by the fact that their manager (Graham Turner) has done nearly as many games as he has. Hereford managed to get another loan of striker Steve Guinan who scored a load of goals in the Conference for them. This will be a tough match to get anything out of, methinks. In fact that rating system which Cod Almighty tipster Mat Hare uses (which is about as complex to decipher as working out when Easter is gonna be without access to a calendar) says we are going to lose. Mat, being a Town fan, resorts to saying Rateform is probably crap anyway and predicts a point. Let's hope that blind hope wins the day over the quadratic equation, shall we? And anyway that idiot Lovejoy says they are the "best team in the world" because the team hit the crossbar three times from the halfway line, so that has to count in our favour, surely, says the straw-clutching diarist.

Bernard Morley was a cracking bloke. He always said hello to me at matches, even though I only went on his buses about twice and that over 20 years ago. He was that sort of bloke, wasn't he? When I heard he'd died my first thought was "thank God he didn't go towards the end of that horrible sequence of defeats". At least he can rest knowing Town are in mid-table obscurity in the fourth division. I don't believe we have an imaginary friend in the sky, so this eulogy will stop now, but Blundell Park will be the poorer without Bernard. See yer.

Thursday 8 March
Think of Town's 2005–06 campaign and you will think of a number of things. Steve Mildenhall. The amazing cup win over Spurs. The awful 5-0 thrashing at Lincoln. Jones the Stick. The appalling letdown of the play-off final. Gary Cohen being played in about 18 different positions, trying really hard, seemingly being singled out for 'attention' by the opposition and then receiving yellow cards for the crime of being kicked six feet up in the air. You're not going to see any of these again this time around, as Mildenhall and Jones have moved onwards and upwards, and Town only lost 2-0 at Lincoln, can't trouble the play-offs, and got knocked out of all three cups before the leaves blew off the trees. Oh, and Gary Cohen won't play this side of the summer. That's the reckoning of today's Grimsby Telegraph, which reports that after seven months on the sidelines, two weeks at Lilleshall and a trip to a specialist in Leeds, the ex-Gretna frontman is still nowhere near knowing when he might shake off the knee injury he picked up in pre-season. "Now he fears it may even be next season before he pulls on the black and white shirt again," sobs the Telegraph, overlooking the even sadder possibility that Cohen will follow Luton's Michael Reddy through the door marked 'injury rejects – this way out' when both their contracts expire at the end of the current campaign.

Not a week goes by without the Mariners' shrewd team of backroom staff conceiving of some cunning new ruse to bring in much-needed money for the club. The current week is no exception, as the club is to auction off places in a fans' team to line up against a GTFC XI in the 'Chairman's Challenge' match scheduled for Thursday 1 May. "The game will be played on the hollowed Blundell Park turf," promises Town's official website, suggesting that further funds are to be raised by renting out space below the pitch for storage or car parking.

Lastly from me before I hand you all over individually wrapped to tomorrow's guest diarist is an email from CA's very own Mark Stilton. Mark is delighted with the neologism 'Myspace Mariners', coined in yesterday's Diary to refer to Town's excellent current youth team, who would be even better if they spent less time on teh interwebz and more time honing their ballskillz, or something. "Brilliant," he writes. "Did you know their motto is: OMG!!! WTF!! Lol!!!111!!!!!? Gaz Cohen sorts them out." And may he continue to sort them out after the current season is over.

Wednesday 7 March
Put Your Shirt On Town is how the club's official website has it. Put Your Shirt On Mariners is the Grimsby Telegraph's take on the same story. The clue, as they don't say, is in the headline and, sure enough, it turns out that if you wear a GTFC shirt to the home game against Swindon on 17 March then you will be entitled, by virtue of the latest offer in the 'Be Town's 12th Man' promotion, to a voucher for five quid off a ticket when Peterborough come to Blundell Park a week later. "Grimsby Town are calling on fans to show their allegiance at the next home match" is how the Telegraph's story begins. The Diary would have thought just turning up and not sitting in the away end, strictly speaking, would suffice to demonstrate which team it is that you are supporting on the day, though it is to be hoped that the offer might later extend to imposing a £5 surcharge for all spectators wishing to wear Liverpool, Manchester United, Arsenal or Chelsea shirts in home areas of the ground.

Speaking of Liverpool, Town will receive a few crumbs from the top table when Ronnie Whelan does an after-dinner speaking thing at McMenemy's this Friday and a couple of hundred locals who compensate for their social inadequacies and being bullied at school by choosing to support a rich football club to which they have no geographical, cultural or emotional ties whatsoever pay £35 each for a ticket. The former Whining Reds legend is expected to regale guests with humorous tales of his club's 1980s exploits in the FA Cup and European competition and how they conspired in the early 1990s to remove the lower divisions' historic apportionment of television revenues by creating the Premiership, institutionalising divisions between wealthy and poor clubs, and thus forever destroying the internal competitiveness that had made English league football uniquely varied and exciting for more than a century.

If all of that leaves you despairing for the future, and you can't make Town's away date at Hereford this Saturday, pop along to BP and have your spirits lifted by the semi-final of the Youth Alliance Cup, in which the Myspace Mariners will be taking on their young counterparts from Chester City. Admission is just two quid (or one quid for a kid), kick-off is 12 noon, and most importantly of all the bar is open from 11. If the scores are level after 90 minutes then the two teams of adolescents will settle the tie with a happy slapping shootout.

Tuesday 6 March
A sombre beginning for today's Diary with the news that the long-time chairman of Town's official supporters' club, Bernard Morley, died yesterday at the age of 80. When you consider that Bernard ran those coaches to away games for more than two decades, it adds up to a huge amount of support at a huge number of games, which would clearly have made a huge overall difference to many individual fans and the club as a whole. So a sad loss for the Mariners community, but one that follows a lot of good work. Bernard was widely described as a nice bloke – and he was quite clearly a great supporter as well.

The good form of Town's young-ish reserve side continues to suggest better days ahead for the club, the second string having extended their current unbeaten run with a straightforward 3-0 win over Lincoln at Blundell Park yesterday afternoon. "Hegarty should have made it three," reports the club's official website shortly after describing how Peter Till had already made it three. Till also opened the scoring, and between his two strikes the aerobically developmental Isaiah Rankin lashed one in from 25 yards. Trialists Ben Gill and Scott Lycett played the full 90, and the Diary has received notes on the latter from a watcher of Leicester's youth academy. "Scott's a smashing player in many ways. Focused, brave, determined, a forceful cajoler of team-mates in a constructive way, always involved, a decent footballer who can support and use the ball well, reasonable reader of the game and an altogether good guy to have around. Scott's problem is that, for a centre-back or defensive midfield player, he is not the tallest, biggest or strongest and that can cause him problems at times, not only at the back but because he's not likely to add to your goals tally at set pieces and these things all count." As we know, though, Alan Buckley's teams were always noted for topping the fair play league, and hence the current Mariners side would never do anything so unsportsmanlike as score from a set piece.

Town have published travel and ticket information for this weekend's trip to Hereford, which reveals that the Bulls' official email is a Hotmail address. Aw, bless! Details of the nearest McDonalds to Edgar Street are conspicuous by their welcome absence – though the Mariners are still encouraging you to quaff fizzy pop by the bucketload, promising a great prize and the title 'Superfan' to the supporter who necks the unhealthiest quantity of Coca-Cola between now and whenever. And until the Fentydome's fitness facilities arrive, of course, the people of North East Lincolnshire have no way to get themselves healthy. It's something or other gone mad, probably.

Last up today it's an email from Ben Gresswell. "Just wanted to say how delighted I was to hear that Sharon Codd is actually a real person," he writes. "I was even more delighted to read that she is double D. Let's hope we see a lot more of Sharon on Cod Almighty in the future!" Uh-oh.

Monday 5 March
Is it just me or do Town keep winning without actually moving up the league table? Hello, welcome to Monday's Diary, and a big shout out to the reader I met on Friday afternoon in the Southwark Tavern. Was your mate a Town fan as well? A big shout out to you both, if he was. Sorry for not getting your name – I may have been just a little overcome with the shock of rockstar-style public recognition while strolling the streets of London – but it was dead nice talking to you and that. You don't really think I'm pedantic, do you?

From the glories of a fabulous, spectacular, league status-preserving victory march against high-flying Bury to the more downbeat, workaday business of a reserve game in the Hi-De-Hi Holidays League, and Town's second string are at home to Lincoln this afternoon. Included in the starting line-up are two trialists: Leicester defender Scott Lycett, who captained the Foxes' under-18 side earlier this season and has made it to the reserves but not the first team; and Watford midfielder Ben Gill, who the Diary's Hornets-supporting mate says "might have squeezed in a place on the subs bench in a League Cup tie, but I couldn't be sure". The same Hornets-supporting mate, by the by, texted the Diary from Vicarage Road on Saturday with the news that Jimmy Floyd Hasselbaink was being barracked with chants of "You're just a fat Eddie Murphy". Well, it tickled me.

And that's about it news-wise for today, unless you count Ciaran Toner not being named fourth division player of the month for February, but then neither were Danny Boshell, Jimmy Floyd Hasselbaink or Andy Love. Let us turn, then, to the Diary's inbox, where an email awaits from the production team of Town's estimable matchday programme. "We at The Mariner were browsing through our extensive archive of photos from this season, and came across this little beauty (right). Do our eyes deceive us, or is that a well-respected Cod Almighty match reporter snuggling up to Mighty Santa Mariner in the BP Grotto? If this doesn't make the News of the World on Sunday then I'm Michael Essien's decidedly Jammie Dodger." It's what Mighty Santa was giving to Tony B that intrigues the Diary. A new overcoat catalogue, perhaps, or an original vinyl copy of Rush's third album Caress of Steel? Enquiring minds need to know.

Cast back your mind to last Thursday's Diary, and an email in which Joe Mooney questioned the authenticity of the signatories to the 'MBE for Macca' petition, citing the name of one Sharon Codd as particularly, heh, fishy. Well, Sharon is alive and well and has emailed the Diary to prove it. "Just to confirm I do exist and I am an original 'cod head', albeit double D. And as a Brucie bonus I also work for Young's. Hope this clears any doubts about my name! And yes, it was me who signed the petition, having been a Town supporter since Cod, errrr, God was a lad. Macca for a knighthood! Perhaps not, but we'll settle for the MBE!" Thanks, Sharon – great to hear from you. I'd like to finish this paragraph with a bad fish pun now, but I have to consider the Diary's reputation for insightful wit, and this would leave people just queueing up to knock me off my perch.

Last up it's John Pakey, who is also concerned with the MBE thing, and when I say concerned I mean, you know, apoplectic. "CHRIS KAMARA? MBE? Joking? But no, sadly not. The bloke who has done nothing for sport but become famous for a catchphrase of 'unbelievable' and shouting has an online petition at 10 Downing Street to make him an MBE. Bloody joke. I got so angry when I heard this at work on Saturday I got up and shouted at Jeff Stelling on Soccer Saturday. It's a bloody disgrace. Once again actual achievement is overlooked for fucking celebrity. Cocks. Maybe this should be where the John McDermott campaign for recognition should go. The guy is a legend, someone who is a true example of loyalty in a rotten sport such as football. I'm off to kick the cat." That's the trouble with democracy, though, John. Next thing they'll be giving the vote to people from Hull.

Friday 2 March
There is a whiff of spring in the Lincolnshire air and your Guest Diarist has been tramping a fen this morning in search of inspiration and spring greens. When I got back I discovered that the meaning of life had been neatly bottled by none other than Luton's Michael Reddy who has told the official site that he 'has been to see leading Irish groin specialist Mr Gerry McEntee but his diagnosis is much the same as the specialists in England.' Reddy explains that Mr McEntee is a specialist 'who my family has dealt with before.' Weird hip/groin injuries obviously run in the family then. I hate sterotyping as much as anyone but Gerry McEntee sounds like a character from a flipping Val Doonican song. I wonder if he has a goat?

I listened to that long Stuart Watkiss interview recommended to you by yesterdays diary and discovered a piece of news of bombshell proportions buried in the last third – Town will not make the playoffs this season! Yes, it is official from the lugubrious yet faintly melodic mouth of our assistant manager. Both Watkiss and Lord Buckley find tomorrow's home match against Bury a slightly suspicous looking package given the wildly erratic form of both teams. Bury have lost four on the bounce without scoring so it goes without saying they are due a win sometime, but "flippin' heck Dale, we're OK!" remonstrates our great leader. Buckley also muses, in his weekly mariners world preview, about what it would be like if he were a basketball coach but more on that story later.

As for team news Lord Buckley is poised on the horns of a dilemma. It is fairly obvious that he wants to play both fit-again Boshell and Jones the lump but is struggling to fit them both in to his preferred 4-4-2 formation. Croft has pulled his groin so we may well get a chance to hail Sir John of McDermott whom I'm told played well when he came on last week. Buckley made no mention of Mr Rankin who has become somewhat a forgotten figure. Remind me why I thought he was a decent signing when he has more the appearance of a broken-down one-trick pony these days. Recent memories that pop up in my mind are, he rolls 'em and then... nowt happens. And as for Mr Thorpe – well who knows? Is he still with us?

Do you remember all that pipe-dreaming fuss about a new stadium? It's all gone very quiet thank god. But lest ye forget, gentle reader, if by some faint chance Mr Fenty gets the finance together, and the fentydome gets half built, and Town abandon Blundell Park, then it will be the final straw on the back of the collapsing camel of civilisation. There – I've said it. But even if you don't believe me and like the prospect of driving in to the middle of nowhere to sit in an empty soul less plastic monstrosity, think hard about what you will be leaving behind. For you will miss it more than you could know. In the meantime – and the meantime is probably about twelvety seven years – why don't the club do a few things on the cheap to make BP a better place – like moving the away fans out of the Osmond so we have vocal support at both ends? I'm sick of sitting in the Pontoon facing rows and rows of empty seats – most away teams this season have brought under 250 fans – so stick 'em in with the dentists or summat. Just a thought – see yer.

Thursday 1 March
Town's reserve side has gone from strength to strength since the arrival last summer of Stuart Watkiss as assistant manager. When the former Mansfield boss took charge of the second XI they had failed to register a win since 1934, but this season the team has suddenly become quite good. Yesterday was a case in point, as the stiffs fought back from a 2-0 deficit away at Darlington to draw 3-3, courtesy of goals from Isaiah Rankin, Nick Hegarty and Gary Harkins – the latter a spectacular Beckhamesque free kick – and the team is currently I don't know where in the Hi-De-Hi League table because nobody seems to want to publish an up-to-date version of it online. Watkiss has given a Mariners World interview which is lengthy, interesting and audible, as long as you can handle the west midlands monotone. Despite the sound of Stu's accent, the Diary is impressed by the sound of his long-term thinking aloud for the future of the youth and reserve set-up at Blundell Park. It's reassuring to know there's a man with a plan.

Back to the present, and GTFC are expecting another attendance in excess of 5,000 for the visit of Bury to Blundell Park this weekend. The club's 'Be Town's 12th Man' campaign has proved a roaring success so far, having significantly boosted the support for the Mariners' recent wins over Bristol Rovers, Wrexham and Mansfield, and Saturday's game has been designated a 'kid for a quid' fixture – possibly in tribute to Chris Casper, who became the Football League's first teenage manager when he took up the Shakers' hotseat at the tender age of 13.

Joe Mooney has emailed the Diary on the subject of the petition to give Sir John McDermott an MBE. "Danny North has signed it," he writes (Joe, not Sir John). "Don't know if this is really worth a mention but while bored at work I was scrolling through the names and noticed there was one Danny North there on the list. Which Danny North it is is of course purely speculative, but I thought that was nice to see... if true... and if not some other Danny North. The presence of one 'SHARON CODD' made me doubt the authenticity of all the names on the list; no offence meant if Sharon is real. There doesn't seem to be too many odd ones. It would be perhaps too depressing to consider only 391 (at my last count) had signed if that included all the comedy names the John McDermott faithful could muster as well as the genuine. The presence of Danny North of course made me notice the absence of one Straight Peter Bore, but perhaps I judge him too harshly – he is an Arsenal fan after all." I dunno – as if homophobia were not bad enough, he turns out to be a plastic Premiership supporter as well. I reckon SPB will need a few more goals to work his way back into the Diary's good books.

Ben Gresswell's email, meanwhile, addresses both the Sir Mac petition and the full name of Luton's Michael Reddy, as raised in yesterday's Diary. "How about Michael Never-Reddy?" he asks. "Or Michael Reddy-Steady-Oops-false start-Injured again-Never play again-Get him off the pay-roll-Useless Git? P.S. Why don't we slip Tony Blair a few quid? I'm sure he could make Macca a Lord in no time. Lord John of Macca. Might not be as glam as being a knight of the realm but it's got to be quicker and easier to get hold of?" A good point, Ben, as long as Town can scrape the cash together, and one that brings us to another Lord – Richard Lord, who writes: "What with all this confusion surrounding the true identity of our very own Luton's Michael Reddy recently, I would like to put it to you, if you wish to accept it, that he is neither a footballer nor a very injured person impersonating a footballer. He is, in fact, a radical linguistic theorist, who suggested something called the conduit metaphor (1979) when he was at the cute little age of minus one. It's cited in Lakoff and Johnson's 'Metaphors We Live By' book. I've been reading it, and it's been crap. Here's a sneaky link." Thanks for that, Rich. Incidentally, the Diary would be interested to hear from any linguistic theorist who can explicate the fascinating vernacular utterance from the GTFC 1997-98 season highlights video, when the commentator says: "McDermott won't keep that in... oh! He does do!"

Before I hand you over tomorrow, bound and gagged, to one of CA's guest diarists, there's one more email – from one of CA's guest diarists. "Oi!" writes mathematics undergraduate Durham Diary, in response to my description of him here yesterday. "I resent the implication that I am capable." Don't worry, DD – your reputation isn't at stake. It's not like I implied you were capable, specifically, of getting out of bed before 2pm.

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