Cod Almighty - Diary - September 2007

daily independent coverage of Grimsby Town FC

Diary - September 2007

Friday 28 September
Town will be missing James Hunt tomorrow at home to Hereford, as the injury he sustained in that almost comical collision with Fenton last Saturday has left him with a very sore and bruised hamstring. The good news is that young Ryan Bennett trained with the team yesterday, and came through it OK. Lord Buckley, who passed on this information in his weekly pre-match interview with Mariners World, considered the latter fact a big plus. More concerning to him was the fact that Mr Bolland had limped out of training that morning with a sore shin. Alan considers Bolland's input 'vital' although your Guest Diarist has to say, for me, he had a poorish game last Saturday at Lincoln. But then you always notice players' failings more after they have made a defensive cock-up and missed chances at the other end, don't you? We will miss his energy and commitment if he doesn't play, that's for sure.

Speaking to the Grimsby Telegraph, Lord Buckley admitted that he had been planning an unchanged team for the match tomorrow, and Hunt's absence resurrects the old dilemma about formation. Jamie Clarke could deputise for Hunt, having looked quietly authoritative when coming on against Lincoln and passing the ball nicely. Mulligan is another option in midfield with Bennett resuming duties at right-back. But then there is the temptation to go with two strikers in a 4-4-2 line-up. Town have two home games in quick succession, and after the away win at Lincoln talk has switched from 'bouncing back' to 'trying to put a little run together'. Let's hope we don't get beat and win at least one of them, eh?

Victorian Britain must have seemed a fairly scary place if you weren't loaded. To a modern-day slacker like me it seems so, anyway. But, though they might have worked you like a dog, not given you a proper vote, and disapproved of you pissing your pittance up the wall at the end of the week, they did have philanthropists. Rich folk who donated part of their fortune back to the poor sections of the community. A bit of cap-doffing was expected, maybe, but apart from that it was a genuine freebie when they built a school or a park. Unlike today, when retailers (for it is retailers who own and run this planet, gentle reader) expect you to shop furiously in order to collect vouchers which can be turned into basketball hoops or some such. They reckoned on the radio the other day that if you spend sixty-odd thousand quid in Tesco you get enough vouchers for a whole hoop, apparently. An imported hoop, naturally. Words fail you sometimes.

Speaking of rip-off deals I found some disgruntled Hereford fans lurking on the interweb yesterday. On discovering that your Guest Diarist is a Grimsby fan they gave me both barrels about the raw deal that away fans get at Blundell Park (having to pay 18 quid to sit in the Osmond stand). Why, they asked pointedly, do they have to pay more than home fans? They told me what I already knew – that most clubs seem to charge £15 or £16 to get in to watch fourth division football, citing Peterborough, Lincoln, Notts County and Bastard Franchise Scum as just a few examples. It is hard to defend Town's policy, and I know not whether this is an isolated gripe or not. But from past experience I notice if I have to pay more at an away game than I do at Town. And it rankles, definitely, it does. But then I shop at Lidl, not Tesco, and have heard that Ramsey bloke on the telly tell failing restaurateurs that putting the prices up will not save them from bankruptcy by lack of customers.

I was telling that young pop star Pete Green about all of this yesterday, and he mentioned that Town's customer charter says: "The Club does not charge admission prices to supporters of a visiting club, which are higher than those charged to our own supporters for comparable accommodation." Oh, of course – we are all supposed to produce our 'Mariner Discount Card' every time we buy a ticket, which gets us two quid off the standard admission fee. Disingenuous? I didn't tell the Bulls fans that bit because it would be like waving a red... I'll get me coat – see yer.

Thursday 27 September
Hi guys. Durham Diary here returning from a Reddy-esque lay-off. I'd like to tell you I've been really busy in my absence, but actually I've been doing similar to what Nathan Jarman probably did prior to his first trial with Town. My cheekbones have no definition, you know.

Talking of the flawed frontman (Reddy, not Jarman), as I so fleetingly was, it has come to my attention that Irish Mick has renewed acquaintances with Roly Poly Russell Slade. According to Yeovil Town's official site, "Reddy is at Huish Park to allow physio Jim Joyce to oversee his continued rehabilitation programme", somehow making it sound as if the whole arrangement is for the benefit of Joyce. One can only imagine Reddy has been unfit for so long now that he qualifies as a medical miracle.

Town's SNOS is filling lines, much as I am, by advertising the new promotion from the sugar-free version of John Fenty's favourite fizzy drink. I've never tried the drink in question, but if it really does taste similar to the real version and yet is not rammed full of sugar, the cynic in me worries what other shite they've pumped in to make up for it. Anyway, if your attention-deficit-suffering kids love their fizzy pop so, make sure they save their labels and maybe, just maybe, you can take them to a Football League match for free so they can display their Man Utd shirt to everyone.

The Grimmo Tello reckons Jamie Clarke wants to play football, which could potentially be either a better or worse story were he not a footballer. Clarke came on in the second half of Saturday's win against Lincoln to replace James Hunt, who had been assaulted by Nick Fenton. I thought he looked comfortable enough, but then he was playing at centre midfield and not right-back, and anyone who is anyone tells me he really isn't a right back. Slightly worrying is Clarke's final quote in the article, which suggests he thinks he's likely to ruin things Nicky Law-style at any given moment: "It was good to get a run-out and I'm glad nothing disastrous happened."

Finally today to two gently amusing emails sent in within the last few days. Firstly, in response to Kiwi Diary's recent outpourings, Ian Jackson has sent his musings on following the great game from the isolation of New Zealand: "Tell me about the time difference! How odd does it feel waking up to at 8am and watching Champions League footy going on LIVE in Europe, on Murdoch telly... and hokey pokey ice cream as well, and that lime-flavoured beer called Montieths Radler that seems to be well before its UK Carlsberg Twist copycat product... and a banana chocolate/sweet bar called Mighty Perky Nana. Strange place."

Secondly, Ben Gresswell has made his proposal for how to avert the avian crisis threatening to engulf the Mariners: "Could we not share the Fentydome pitch with the plovers and curlews? After all, I'm sure they wouldn't mind clearing off for 90 minutes every other week. And I can't see a few birds making much difference to the football." A very good point, Ben, but best not to ask Mike Newell what his views are of birds and football, eh?

Wednesday 26 September
Over the Hills and Far Away Diary here. Nights are pulling in aren't they?

News reaches us that all efforts are being made to turn a field into a major events venue in the space of just 14 weeks. Before the FentyDome supporters get too excited, the item which headlines in the Telewag refers to an open air venue at Kings Road in Cleethorpes. Do you think they have considered the birds?

Cast your mind back, if you can stand it, dear reader, to those dark days of March 2004, when it looked as if the lads might possibly escape from a second successive relegation. Nicky Law had arrived in town to lead the fight and before the home game against Hartlepool, young Mr Fenty showed some Dunkirk spirit and scaled the heights of the Main Stand roof to fix some loose advertising hoardings blown to bits by the howling North Sea wind. More of that wind issue later.

Town's hopes on the field that day rested with a young striker Law had brought in from Notts County called Mikael Antoine–Curier, a nomadic Frenchman whose only goal for the Magpies was, typically, against us, and who had then been booted out of Meadow Lane for a night on the lash before a home game.

For reasons that are too long to go into now, your diarist happened to be in the Town dressing room before the game when Antoine-Curier walked in. He was immediately introduced by the late Tony Richardson as "the lad that will save us from relegation". Sadly that weight upon his shoulders was too much and within minutes of the start it became apparent that he wasn't up to the job. In fact the eagle-eyed Tony Butcher had spotted the problem during the pre-match warm-up, claiming that the accuracy of his kicking made made Darren Mansaram look good.

Antoine-Curier soon left the country and found solace and his level of football in the Norwegian lower leagues. That was until John Collins recently introduced him to the Hibernian faithful as the man to bring glory to Easter Road. From a lumberjack XI to leading the line against Celtic in days, Antoine-Curier explains to the Scotsman today how his career has been revitalised and his dreams achieved. So for all the young lads sent packing down the A180, remember Mikael Antoine-Curier and never give up on your dreams.

Talking of Hibs, Ipswich look interested in signing big Rob Jones.

Dave Mulligan is packing his suncream and hat ready for the big trip to New Zealand. He tells the official site that he looking forward to the trip back home. Lord Buckley ought to check that he means home in Auckland and not Liverpool where he was born, as we don't want our club dragged into a re-run of the recent Grannygate scandal. The Scouser Kiwi, though, is less sure about what happens when he gets back. He says that Buckley hasn't discussed anything about that with him, but "I'm training on Thursday and Friday, so he might say something then."

The super new official site also tells of the defeat of the reserves by Rotherham. A spirited two-goal fightback by the Mini Mariners was not enough to overcome the 3-0 first-half lead. Still, the game gave Nathan Jarman an opportunity to turn more fat into muscle.

The Hereford fans are getting some helpful advice prior to their trip up to Grimsby on Saturday. They are being warned that the wind off the North Sea can be biting and that coats must be not be forgotten. Thank your lucky stars that you are coming to Cleethorpes in September and not January, that's what I say. What would the advice for be then? Arctic expedition suits on top of a full set of thermal underwear? Oh, and remember: don't wear your coats on the coach or, as my mother used to say, "you won't feel the benefit".

That, dear readers, is the cue for me to go and get my coat.

Tuesday 25 September
It's Tuesday and I'm Deviant Diary: wearing brown, supporting Town, sporting a frown and searching for the long-lost noun. It's a typical day in Townland: Fenty's whoring himself out for want of the price of tea and a slice, the mini-Mariners are chugging in South Yorkshire, there's a lot of mooking by Meeky about birds, and roly-poly Jarman is indulging in some fighting talk.

The SNOS is up to some more commercial puffery today and it's the old favourite: cheap tea and sympathy with OJ Fenty. Buy the ultimate matchday experience: twitching with Positive John, a "chance" to chat with many Town fans followed by a Boardroom Blitz on the buffet. Wine, women and biscuits!

What kind of biscuits do they serve in the boardroom anyway?

The good old SNOS is adamant that the collection of tiny tots and mismatched paint pots they call The Reserves will keep just about the same team that defeated Lincoln last week. They play Rotherham, in Rotherham, today, at 2pm, and once again the name Foulkes appears in defence. Does he or doesn't he wear Harmony hairspray? Will they never tell us?

But what of the future? Jam Roly-Poly is keen to make an impression (and it's not Norman Wisdom pretending to be Tony Gallimore): young Nate's been doing extra training with Big Stu 'Now That's a Haircut' Watkiss, which seems to consist of running up and down the seafront in an homage to Rocky (I and II, not III). Or maybe Big Stu has been putting him through psychological tests with those constant trots past the novelty rock emporium, candyfloss mountains and eternal aroma of doughnuts. Eat all that and you would get constant trots.

Let's sing a lullaby. Golden plovers fill your eyes? Codalmighty's very own feathered Falstaff has sent a loath letter to mistress-in-distress, Geoff Ford. It's the merry whines of Healing: the new ground and birds again. Dirty, disgusting boirds. What are they good for? The chairman's sandwiches in the Fentydome?

Finally, at last, they're back! Football's funniest 50-year olds called Danny have snuck on to the interwaves and they want to know about mad men who sit near you. You won't find that kind of recycled ninnery on Compost FM. Come to think of it, what kind of ninnery do you find on Radio Compost?

You know statistics have proved that England really do much better without Meatballs 4 up front.

Monday 24 September
So, gentle reader, it has come round to Monday again. After last week's FentyDoom© statement it was a relief to go to Sincil Bank and watch some football with eleven hundred and twenty three other kindred souls.

Surprisingly the weakest part of Town's performance came in midfield where poor old Bolland had a bit of a stinker. Despite playing 4-5-1 the Mariners didn't really hold on to the ball and control the game as well as they should have done in the second half, against a very poor Lincoln side. But we made better chances than them: the penalty was nailed-on; the disallowed goal was for an obvious push; and we still love our man Mr Croft. These are the things that your Guest Diarist knows.

Lord Buckley backed up my opinion of the game in his post-match interview saying that "it was a good performance for the first half hour of the game" and that Lincoln's only first half threat "came from long throws and set pieces". But in the second half "when we got it we gave it away a bit cheaply". The gaffer also mentioned the Barnes save in his despatches, and ended by saying that at least he had sent the Town away fans "home happy."

At least the ever-superb all new Official Grimsby Town web-site had the restraint to avoid sending a 'Town sign new striker' alert to the faithful masses when they took the plunge with young Nathan Jarman and offered him a month to month contract at the end of last week. Jarman has apparently lost weight and got fit as Lord Buckley pointedly explained to the Grimsby Telegraph: "He's done absolutely marvellously well when you look at the 'roly-poly' lad that came here six to eight weeks ago. He had no definition in his face, no definition in his body – but he had got some talent." Jarman was a clever young player a year ago – he is ideal for us at this stage to come under Buckley and Watkiss and improve his way back in to professional football. Let's wish him luck.

Town are lying tenth in the fourth division attendance table, ahead of the top three in the division proper (Darlington, Hereford, Chesterfield) and with an average league gate of 4303. It is also interesting to note that despite their new stadium only having an eight thousand capacity and it being brand spanking new and everything that Shrewsbury are only averaging 5847. And this for a play-off team that has been winning its home games against respected opposition like Bradford and Grimsby. I am intrigued as to what our Chairman was expecting the home crowd against Stockport to actually be. Town fans have a long track record of thinning in to the shadows of aisle eight of B&Q whenever we don't win at home.

I have been trudging down to Blundell Park since the mid sixties and it was ever thus (although folks tended to watch the wrestling on world of sport rather than think about DIY in the earlier days). So 3700 hardly came as a shock after no home-wins-yet-this-season, surely.

I've read the Fentydoom© statement a few times now and when Mr Fenty says "the Club requires a substantial financial injection within the next two months, in excess of two hundred thousand pounds, to pay its way" I am not sure what he means. Does that mean over and above the projected income for the period? Surely not, because even if average gates drop below 4000 in that period this would not explain such a poorly budgeted shortfall (unless the club has deliberately adopted a policy of living beyond its means).

Grimsby Town are an average fourth division club these days; average standard players; average gates; average costs. They were that type of club when I first watched them in the sixties, and although we have punched above our weight a few times in between, that's what they are again now. The crowds we can expect for the foreseeable future are going to fluctuate between four and five thousand – only dropping below when the team performances are considered unacceptable. And no amount of insulting cajolery from the Chairman is going to change that.

The best action the board of the club can take is to ensure the GTFC coat is cut according to the cloth available so the club will survive. Stop club expenditure on the FentyDome pipedream now and ensure the day to day bills get paid is my advice.
FentyDoom is a copyrighted Starbucks Lincoln and Tony Butcher product by the way. See yer.

Friday 21 September
What time is it in the UK? What day is it over there? One thing I've learned so far in the brief time since I moved to the other side of the world is that it's hard to follow Town news. I end up reading yesterday's Diary first thing tomorrow morning. Old news seems like new news and I'm never sure if new news is new news or old news I've forgotten about. Or missed. So, I plead with you, please forgive your Kiwi Diary if I re-plough old turf. And if I mix my metaphors like a good 'un.

So tomorrow (for you, early Sunday morning for me) we have a local derby away at the Imps to contend with. Sincil Bank is not a happy hunting ground for the Mariners, with our last win in the league there coming way back in 1957. Bearing in mind this historical record you'll understand my reluctance to join with an upbeat Nick Fenton when he talks about registering our first win of the season on Saturday, won't you? I do agree with him that it would be nice to get our first three points there though. In English football, only QPR, Sheffield 'sleeping giant' Wednesday and ourselves are yet to win in the league. Who will be the last to remain winless, I wonder.

Buckley's money would not be on us, of course. In his typically open and objective pre-match interview Sir Alan told his adoring fans how he expects a good footballing match on Saturday with Lincoln having shed their air-raid siren reputation. He mentioned that he thinks that they have some quality players, with one or two of them being the best in their position in the division, but that every match, in his opinion, is winnable. "If I didn't think we could win, I might as well not go. I might as well stay at home." Team news is limited however with AB revealing nothing more than Ryan Bennett's sore achilles and Andy Taylor's twisted ankle. In the interview he described them both as doubtful but not ruled out. There was also an interesting comment in there about a winning team being the secret to bigger gates, rather than a new shiny stadium. Hear, hear.

It's funny, you know, how half a world apart things remain the same. Not New Zealand this time, but Canada, New Zealand's near neighbour in the natural beauty stakes. When I received a Google alert earlier this evening...er, morning... er, earlier, with the headline 'Council gives green light to review of Official Plan' I presumed it was something to do with the new ground scheduled to replace our beloved Blundell Park in time for the 2017-18 season. But no, it actually referred to the council running the other Grimsby, the one in Canada, and its approval of a recommendation to forge ahead with reviewing and updating the town's official plan. Whatever that might be. The clue was in the headline really. And so nothing at all to do with Town's ground at all. Does anyone know whether Grimsby, North East Lincs has an Official Plan too?

The actual news relating to the Fentydome to have surfaced in the past 24 hours somewhat surprisingly is all about birds. And we're not talking those peroxide blondes in snug-fitting merchandise. It seems the final condition of the planning permission has been approved by NELC, but there's a hitch. A ornithological survey of the proposed ground site revealed a large bird population hanging out there. The majority were golden plover, as if you care, and I presume they'd be Eurasian golden plover judging by what I've just learned online about the breeding habitats of the various golden plover species. As far as I can tell, Grimsby Town Football Club have been charged with managing (and potentially purchasing) a suitable site for the relocation of all these birds. This has to be in place before the ground development can proceed. No, really. You couldn't dream it up, could you? Positive John is quoted as describing the ruling as "bizarre". Quite.

And with that live-changing and slightly surreal nugget of news I leave you. It's almost my bed-time after all. But before I go, let me urge you to read the readers' comments at the bottom of the TIG article. Chris Carter, this little corner of New Zealand salutes you.

Thursday 20 September
With all the talk on the terraces being of 4-5-1 or 4-4-2 (yes, I know we don't have terraces, but I liked the alliteration) the possibility that the Mariners might switch to a new formation altogether seems to have eluded us somewhat. It may be a precursor of serious change in the first team, then, that Town's reserves adopted a 4-2-1-3 system in their 2-1 win over Lincoln yesterday, with striking trio Jones the Lump, Danny North and trialist Nathan Jarman all taking the field (along with Luke Foulkes at right-back, it would appear, despite his having been released by the club a week ago). OK, that's too much red. Jarman equalised an early strike for the Imps with a somewhat spawny long-range goal which Lincoln keeper Ayden Duffy ought to have kept out, and – just one more link, I promise – Jamie Clarke wrapped up the scoring before half time with a very good 20-yard free kick. On the other hand, of course, there may be no intention at all to use 4-2-1-3 with the first XI and they just wanted all the misfiring strikers to get a proper run-out. As you were, then.

The Grimsby Telegraph proved again yesterday that it is a dab hand at crafting a news story about nothing happening, and today Grimsby Town Football Club have done likewise. The only material difference is that the Telegraph's anti-story concerned the price of a loaf of bread and the Mariners' concerns the price of a second division centre-forward, but Town's media department is to be applauded in having spotted in yesterday's sulky statement from the chairman the news that the club had just failed in two bids to sign 'Championship' strikers, because the players in question "simply did not fancy a move to Town" – for which, read: "were weak-minded enough to have placed football lower in their consideration than decades of stereotyping and crap fish jokes". It's their loss!

Since yesterday's Fentystrop, though, Lord Alan Buckley's future transfer targets may have another reason to reject a switch to Blundell Park. The details revealed by the chairman about Town's precarious finances have become news in their own right, and shortly after the statement was published the BBC ran a story headlined Grimsby chief reveals cash crisis. A few hours later the Mariners' inability to make ends meet was splashed all over Sporting Life, and since then several other football websites have taken up the story. The unpleasant irony, of course, is that even as he was demonstrating the club's difficulties in signing players, Mr Fenty was publicising other information that might discourage the next Martin Paterson from signing; after recent events at Boston, Leeds and elsewhere, one assumes that footballers will be increasingly wary of joining a club that may later struggle to pay their wages.

Thursday's Club Statement is also the subject of an email from Ben Gresswell. "Although I agree with many of Positive John's sentiments in his recent statement of poverty," he writes, "I also agree with the Diary that he should stop reading the messageboards. Whenever I have taken a look at the messageboard on the SNOS, it appears to be populated by pre-pubescent nerds who spend most of the time moaning that somebody has posted using their name or arguing that despite our inferior Football League position, we would batter Scunny any day. John, do yourself a favour and concentrate on the task at hand – and if you must gauge the opinions of supporters, look no further than codalmighty.com. At least here you will get a level-headed and informed opinion (not to mention match reports and articles that will sometimes take you on a journey better than any hallucinogen you will ever find). Being the manager or chairman of Grimsby Town Football Club is a thankless task but don't let the opinions of the few get you down. Up the Mariners!"

On that positive, and indeed Positive, note the Diary bids you farewell, and not just for the weekend but for the week ahead, cos I've got loads of stuff to do. Fear not though, readers, as a strong bench of substitute diarists will be on hand to guide you through the turbulent days ahead. Keep the faith and I'll see you a week on Monday. T'ra.

Wednesday 19 September
He's a complicated man, and no-one understands him but his boardroom. John Fenty! Understandably anxious about the poor recent attendances at Blundell Park, Town's sensitive supremo has manned the barricades with one of his occasional Club Statements in an effort to counter what he sees as "mounting criticism" of him and Lord Alan Buckley and bring the fans flocking back. Unfortunately, while the club needs a rallying cry, the chairman has again delivered only an irritable complaint which is bound to alienate much more than it inspires. It's a shame, because most of Mr Fenty's points are perfectly valid – albeit based on the fallacy that a couple of web forums represent mainstream opinion; in truth he and Buckley have much more support than he seems to realise – and it's only the tetchy, self-pitying tone that undermines the message. The Diary continues to support Positive John's chairmanship – and sure, it's bound to get you down from time to time when your every effort is met in some quarters with Grimbarian cynicism way beyond the call of duty – but for pity's sake, PJ, stop reading the messageboards and see if it's not too late to enrol in Grimsby College's evening class Introducing Marketing & Communications.

(And it could be much worse: at least he's not suing us yet.)

If you have cynicism then stop wasting it on Fenty conspiracy theories and apportion some of it where it belongs: with Sky. Why? Because the cameras are in town, and rather than televising a big cup tie against Spurs or Newcastle, Murdoch Premiership Townshafter TV is here to conduct some absurd competition or other for that matey Saturday morning programme that they use to try and be all matey with you and lull you into the misapprehension that the net effect of Sky has somehow not, in fact, been to fuck Town over utterly along with the rest of lower-division football in England. And it's not like Town should be spending the time training to actually put the ball in the sodding net for a change instead of on the crossbar or anything, is it?

Lastly today, happy news from a former Mariner, as ex-GTFC defender Young Greg has recently spent a successful month recuperating from injury with one of the four managers he played under during his two years at Blundell Park. Released to Halifax in 2005 by Russell 'Sort It' Slade, Young has just returned to the Shay from a loan with Conference North side Alfreton Town – now managed by Nicky 'The Bouncer' Law. After eight months out with knee ligament damage the player went to the Derbyshire side at the end of August to regain match fitness, and seems to have done really well – playing his part in a victory over the Mariners' doubly relegated erstwhile Lincolnshire rivals Bust'un United. Nicky Law, meanwhile, still looks terrifying.

Tuesday 18 September
Town's superb new official website may not get everything right, but by gosh, those match reports are a whole lot better this season. They're spelt and punctuated properly. They read well. And, best of all, they don't credit assists to players who they said had got subbed off two paragraphs earlier. What a shame it is, then, that the excellent work of SNOS reporter Jonathan Byrne gets a bit lost among all those adverts for online gambling and Murdoch Premiership Townshafter TV, not to mention all that guff about the first team – so much so, in fact, that the Diary has only just spotted the details of GTFC women's recent 6-0 thrashing of Lincoln and the Myspace Mariners' 2-1 win against Bradford on Saturday. As the Bible story says, don't hide your light under Danny Boshell.

In a similar vein, it has taken until today for the Diary to chance upon Bolly's Blog – a hidden section of the increasingly unnavigable Grimsby Telegraph website where Town's all-action midfielder Paul Bolland ruminates upon pre-match meals, his teammates' hairstyles, and whether we can truly achieve knowledge of the external world given that with too low a standard for the justification of knowledge we admit follies and illusions into our body of knowledge but too high a standard keeps us from progressing beyond the existence of mental sensations, unable even to deduce the existence of a coherent or continuing 'I' that experiences these sensations, much less the existence of an external world. OK, you got me – I made up the bit about pre-match meals.

Watching your team? Half time score nil-nil in a home match against a side widely regarded as favourites for the fourth division title? Feel like booing? Well, don't. Or if you must, go and do it at Grimsby, and not Bradford.

Monday 17 September
Let's keep this brief, so that I can watch the England game without the distraction of typing. There's hardly any news again, so there's nothing to lose. Is it just me, by the way, or does the Argentine defender who scored the own goal look like Justine Frischmann?

A loud and disgruntled minority of fans may be baying for the blood of Lord Alan Buckley after the Mariners' winless start to the league season continued at home to Stockport on Saturday, but opposition managers just can't praise him enough. In the Grimsby Telegraph today the Town boss worryingly explains that his Hatters counterpart Jim Gannon told him after the match that the visitors "appreciate the way we are trying to play at the moment". What he fails to elucidate upon is whether Gannon enjoys the football played by Buckley's team for its constant attractiveness or its current ineffectiveness, and if any of the loud and disgruntled minority have two brain cells to rub together they will be quick to retort that Accrington Stanley's John Coleman probably appreciates it even more than Gannon.

Nick Hegarty played all 90 minutes of York's 2-0 home defeat by Stevenage on Saturday, but the Diary's efforts to find more information than that about the flame-haired winger's Minstermen debut have come to nought. York's official website has yet to publish a report on the game – but they at least have the results and line-ups now, which represents an improvement on this morning, when the most recent addition to the site was a match preview from Friday, sending the Diary into a peculiar internal panic based on the fleeting misconception that it was still Saturday morning and the last 48 hours had all been some kind of strange dream, and the breeze wafting through the open window bore the unmistakable scent of Cindy Beale's perfume.

John Ide has emailed the Diary to describe Saturday's referee, Mr Graham Horwood of Bedfordshire, as "another name to add to the self-important twats with whistle". Not keen, then, John? "He in my opinion should be on Bradley Pitches on a Sunday morning in February with the snow falling and a gale blowing." If all the dodgy officials Town have encountered over the last ten years were to suffer this fate, though, the Grimsby Sunday League would find itself at the forefront of a new FIFA experiment whereby, rather than merely following the recent suggestion of a referee in both halves of the pitch, there'd be three referees for every player.

Friday 14 September
There is an old edict which states comedy = (tragedy + time). So the McCann jokes are flying thick and fast these days, and spiteful bile is just around the corner, I suspect. Using that same formula let's hope that we are just one match away from being able to laugh off that groundhog of a day which Town fans were forced to endure last Saturday. I have no specialised knowledge of the subtle distinctions between British and Portuguese sub-judice etiquette, and can vouch that I am rather uncomprehending about the reliability of degraded DNA material. I don't even watch CSI, for Christ's sake, but I do know that Town have the nucleus of a decent division four squad. Thin on numbers after Lord Buckley embarked on some early autumn pruning this week, but the ones that are left are all fit and I reckon that most of them would find a place in one team or another in this division. Alright, I am hoping for a decent loan signing too. Sooner rather than later please, sir.

Lord Buckley has continued to dwell on the horrible display the team put on last week. He has told Mariner(')s World that it is "still fresh in my mind". Buckley's trouble, apparently, is that he is not a psychologist. The 'highs are too high' this season and the 'lows are too low'. Now your Guest Diarist has already admitted an almost criminal lack of knowledge of forensic science this morning, but I have worked with a bipolar bricklayer, gentle reader. I know those symptoms and if the mix is insufficiently 'creamy' then you are likely to get it thrown at your head in big dollops. But I digress, for surely the whole team has not been infected with the black dog? And even if the manager is incapable of 'climbing inside the head of his players' one would hope that the combination of cajolery and the famous 'arm around the shoulder' will have been enough to rally the side in to putting on a decent spectacle for tomorrow's home fans in the match against Stockport County.

Lord Buckley has explained that five players suffered for a few days after that match (Bolland, Boshell, Hunt, Till and, errr...), but everyone trained OK on Thursday so he has a full squad to pick from. We have to pick up a win from somewhere but, results apart, the home form has been promising this season so perhaps this week will be our turn. Don't forget to put your clapping hands on, folks, because we will honour the good guy that was Tony Richardson before the game.

I rang up and bought a Lincoln ticket yesterday. I did this after reading about their availability on the official website. Perhaps it is time the OS boys gave this match a bit more prominence because a quick call to the ticket office has revealed that only about 450 of the 2,000 available have been sold as of 9:30 this morning. Anyone can buy them, so get down to the ticket office or on the phone today.

I just read a decent article on the Electronic Fishcake. It was a bit like finding a decent pint during the Watneys Red Barrel years I endured in the 1970s.

So Hegggaaarty has gone on loan to York for a month. A month, mind, and Buckley was careful to heap up a small pile of praise for the young winger saying that he is a fit young lad or summat, and that he would be back in a month's time. In the meantime we are stuck with the slightly unpopular Ciaran Toner out on the left. Toner is the Danny Butterfield of the left wing, methinks. I'll say no more. Lord Buckley hasn't mentioned to Mariner(')s World the composition of the team he would put out but is much more forthcoming to the Telegraph, resigning himself to the need for change. Ryan Bennett and that brooding young starlet Peter Bore are the names mentioned as being in contention. For fuck's sake let's win one, eh? It's the least we deserve. See yer.

Thursday 13 September

Wednesday 12 September
The Mariners' reserve team may be many things – young, small, justifiably proud at its record of having lost only about once in the past year – but one thing it isn't is big, especially since Nathan Jarman's late summertime crash diet. So it is that the second string lost 5-1 last night against Big Wednesday, whose first team sits bottom of the second division with no points from four games under bright young manager Brian Laws. As their name would suggest, Big Wednesday's team included several big names, including Francis Jeffers, Akpo Sodje and Wade Small, and they proved just too big for little Grimsby's little reserves, who managed a miniscule consolation goal late in the game when tiny Grant Normington's miniature cross was met by the foot of wee Sheena Easton. I mean Nick Hegarty.

The apparent recent arrival of a mystery defender called Parker, who played for the stiffs last night, together with the loan signing of Dave Mulligan and the discovery of Ryan Bennett's versatility, has led to a sudden surfeit of competition for the post of right-back with Grimsby Town Football Club. Even lower down the pecking order than the Mariners' misnumbered number two Jamie Clarke could be found Luke Foulkes, who was given a six-month contract in May but has now been released only four months into it. "We would like to wish Luke all the best for the future," says the club's superb new official website.

Lastly today, Town fans everywhere are saying "hmmm!" and holding wry expressions as FA officials investigate the sideline punch-up that enlivened last Saturday's Conference fixture between Rushden & Diamonds and Salisbury City. A broken nose was sustained by City coach and former Mariners midfielder Tommy Widdrington, while a red card was shown to Diamonds' former Mariners midfielder Curtis Woodhouse, who quit football to take up boxing professionally, and then returned to the game with the Northamptonshire side after some trouble with the boxing authorities for having had a fight with a policeman before he received his licence. Insiders say the two became involved in a scuffle after a heated debate over whether Paul Bolland or Neil Webb was the better midfield partner.

Tuesday 11 September
Hello readers. There's bugger all to tell you today, other than that Eniola Aluko seems to have come on in leaps and bounds since Euro 2005 and Town seem to have a full-back called Parker lining up for the reserves at home to Big Wednesday tonight, and there's no knowing whether he's a third brother or one we prepared earlier coming back from Southport. I mean Gainsborough. So let's catch up on some of your emails while we cheer on the England!

"Watching the Huddersfield 'extended' highlights on the SNOS," writes Matt Pakes, "I noticed something about halfway through. There is some sort of funky tune going on in the background. It is most apparent at the end of the video during a black screen. The music wouldn't be out of place on a generic television programme titled World's Most Amazing And Shocking Police Chase Shooting Thing. Just thought I'd let the diary know." Thanks for pointing that out, Matt – and, indeed, it's almost as funky as the hair of the Japanese centre-forward Eriko Arakawa. I'm sure Tony Butcher would have a thing or two to say about it.

James Booth is unable to resist the old debate about green being bad luck for Grimsby Town goalkeepers. This, he says, "is carried over from it being bad luck to wear green on a trawler. At least this is what my dad has always told me and he never liked the fact Nigel Batch wore green." In proper scholarly fashion James offers supporting references in a blog entry and a page of Yorkshire seafaring superstitions (Grimsby being near Yorkshire, after all), which reveals: "Green was an auspicious colour. Many a deckie-learner had his green jumper or scarf ripped off him and saw it flung into the sea by an older fisherman. Even today, there are few green cars on the streets of Hull, and the city council rarely uses this colour. The fear is that 'green will be followed by black' (widow's weeds)." Yes – I think last time we had this conversation, in May 2003, somebody said it was because green was the hardest colour to pick out among the waves should a chap fall overboard. I'm not quite sure why everyone was so worried about Nigel Batch falling overboard, but then one supposes the drainage at Blundell Park was less advanced in the late 1970s.

And speaking of goalkeepers, if this Japanese one were anywhere near as bad as her male counterpart who played for Portsmouth that time Town beat them 3-1, England would be winning easily!

"It wouldn't matter if Phil Barnes wore green or not," continues Ben Gresswell. "Unless the 10 men in front of him sort things out pronto, he'll look shit whatever he wears!" Indeed – but do we all remember what happened in the next match after the last time Town lost 4-1? And the time before that? If I were Stockport I'd be shitting meself.

Monday 10 September
In my idle moments – which, admittedly, is most of the time – I tend to wonder what I might be if I were not the Diary. If I were afflicted by an addiction to unnecessary initial capital letters, and a strange tendency to confuse Gainsborough with Southport, I could write for Town's superb new official website instead. If I had a peculiar compulsion to use the word 'has' when I mean 'as', I could write for Vital Football. If I began every utterance with the phrase 'very much so', I could be Graham Taylor. But best of all, if I were not the Diary, I wouldn't have to read every media item ever published about the Mariners, and could just ignore all the reports about Saturday's dismal pasting at Accrington, which leaves the Mariners second from bottom of the Football League. You know what, though? I've just about managed to pad out this first paragraph to its requisite length, so just this once I reckon I'll ignore them anyway.

This disappointment of the weekend's turn of events at the Crown Ground is all the more acute given the performance – and, perhaps more significantly, the result – achieved by Lord Alan Buckley's side just four days previously in doing to Huddersfield what Accrington ended up doing to them. Those who are already viewing the Football League Trophy as a potentially welcome distraction from another season of indifferent league form will have noted Town's reward for thumping Huddersfield: an away tie at Rotherham in the second round. The match will be played on Tuesday 9 or Wednesday 10 October, once the managers of the two clubs have decided whether it's Coro or Eastenders they won't mind missing an episode of that week.

"I'm sure you are aware of this," writes Brian Robinson, "but this week sees the start of the Women's World Cup. Let's give it a plug as there isn't enough coverage of the women's game." You're absolutely right, sir (Brian provides a link to the BBC's web coverage of the event), and tomorrow afternoon, as they take on Japan in their opening fixture, the Diary will certainly be cheering on the England football team you can support without feeling morally compromised.

After last Wednesday's Diary returned to the much-discussed issue of Grimsby goalkeepers, superstition, and the colour green, I must say I anticipated a flurry of correspondence on the topic that would dwarf the stack of emails dealing with the altogether less arcane subjects of Viagra, Cialis and the length of my penis. The only response thus far, however, has been from Ancient Mariner 64, who dares to defy convention on the matter. "Sibbo and others who question the wisdom of wearing green jerseys might like to ask old timers about Harry Wainman and Nigel Batch," writes Ancient. "As keepers during significantly successful campaigns, both wore green most of the time." It's certainly an interesting contribution to the debate, and Sibbo is sure to be flattered by the assumption that he's too young to remember Batch and Wainman.

Friday 7 September
It is ubiquitous nowadays, within the strange, rarefied world of news reporting, to announce the news before it actually happens. Along the lines of: "Later today the prime minister will announce in a speech [to some poor unfortunates from a godforsaken provincial backwater, usually] that the monies he promised last year to be spent the year after next are, in fact, possibly still going to be spent." So today the Portuguese police have said they will make someone a suspect later today. Not yet, mind you, but a bit later on. The only other type of news items I hear (apart from pointless celebrity tittle-tattle) are the ones where top army wallahs, ex-foreign office staffers and the like look back on the last few years, and tell us that they have had deep misgivings all along.

So the mantra appears to be: either report what people are going to say, or report what they lacked the bottle to say a while back. I don't think I will ever really get the hang of this world, to be honest. One chap who has is that Pete Green, who bites the hand that feeds him delightfully in today's edition of the Grimsby Telegraph. One quick read of that and I calmed right down as Pete lets Buckley and the trains take his strain.

Better, perhaps, that your Guest Diarist stopped listening to the news altogether, you suggest? But first let me listen to the news on Town as pronounced by the great lion sheikh of Cheapside, Lord Alan Buckley. A man whose autobiography will be a fascinating read one day, mark my words. Town are away at Accrington tomorrow and out to avenge a horrible defeat in the corresponding fixture towards the end of last season. As you would expect, Buckley does not sound complacent about taking on a small, unfashionable, unsuccessful team. They have had a poor start, but on the basis of points so have we, is the Buckley summation.

But our pass and move guru is much more complimentary about the style in which Town have failed to accumulate many points. Buckley is "pleased with our football so far" and "pleased we were getting in to their penalty area more regularly the other night". He, from the twinkle in his eye, took pleasure in telling Bolland "that he had not been missed at all in midweek" and was delighted with the performance of young Andy Taylor, who showed that he had an eye for goal as well as demonstrating his "tremendous pace which scares the opposition stiff". Accrington, Buckley notes, persist with a rigid 4-4-2 formation, and tend to compete physically for every scrap of ball. Town will need to match that ethic and also contain the danger of Mullin(s) (a dangerous and delightfully loyal Stanley striker). Paul Mullin(s) broke the Stanley appearances record when they stuffed us that day last April. They offered to make him skipper for the day, but he turned it down, saying he "didn't want to get into a testimonial mentality". Salt of the earth, eh?

Buckley has what sports writers call a 'selection headache' tomorrow. I'm sure that Lord Buckley will solve this conundrum in his inimitable style: Mulligan, who looked fit according to Buckley the other night, or Bennett (back from suspension)? One thing seems certain: Buckley has said he will be picking Justin Whittle – presumably because of the physical nature of the opposition. As for fit-again Bolland and the forwards, well, they will all just have to wait and see. It is nice to have everyone fit – whatever happens, we will have a decent, balanced subs bench. Shame about the ref though.

Accrington have a decentish official website – take a gander at the poster advertising tomorrow's match as an example of nice retro styling. And it was good to see they managed to get nearly fifteen hundred to their paint game. After going two up in the first half it must have been disappointing not to make it into the second round draw. Speaking of which, that will take place on that horrible Sky programme tomorrow morning. Get it off the web five minutes later, I say. Any road, you can call this a pivotal season-turning away match or another chance to play the team that refused to die. Enjoy it, whatever, and let's hope they do. See yer.

Thursday 6 September
Much credit has been due to Town's assistant manager Stuart Watkiss for the improved form of the reserve team over the past year, and as the club's superb new official website informs us that the second string overcame a two-goal deficit against Hartlepool yesterday to record a worthy draw, much credit must also go to whoever is writing the site's much-improved match reports. Jamie Clarke and Nick Hegarty scored in the second half to haul the Mariners level, with ex-Barnsley ex-overweight trialist Nathan Jarman again featuring for half the match, and the SNOS has scored with a report that is as informative and error-free as Tuesday night's excellent account of the first team's thrashing of Huddersfield in the Football League Trophy. If you really want to look for the negatives then the phrase "renewed resurgence" is kinda tautologous, baby, but let's not dwell on that, because the rest is so good, and if I keep saying nice things then GTFC might stop sulking and belatedly grant Cod Almighty the Alan Buckley interview they pulled the plug on in July by way of retaliation for the Diary ripping the piss out of the then newly launched SNOS. Go on! Please!

Rob Smith is another person who has been enjoying the official web offerings of our beloved football club – so much so, in fact, that he has emailed the Diary about it. "Just been on the SNOS listening to the Messiah, who was lyrical about the demolition of Huddersfield. He is keen for us to win on Saturday at Accrington after our defeat in the last game 'at Oxford'. Is the club running two teams, with one secretly confined to the Conference under an assumed name? Perhaps that's who Ebbsfleet United are then?" Well, if such a great manager as Sir Bobby Robson can't even remember the names of his players, perhaps we shouldn't worry too much if Lord Alan Buckley can't quite recall which division we're in.

So, just before I leave you to the tender mercies of a Friday guest diarist, there's one more email. Dan Humphrey has been reading about the bizarre and self-contradictory "cool kids competition" being run by the Grimsby Telegraph, which, he says, "features a nine-year-old lad saying he is a massive Town fan, but wearing a Man Utd shirt. Then, as if that wasn't bad enough, the same page has the identical scenario for a six-year-old boy. When did the Man Utd top become linked to GTFC?!?" And more to the point, can anyone truly be considered cool – including young children – if they're wearing the same shit as everyone else? I really must remember to start that campaign for people wearing Premier League shirts at Blundell Park to be placed with the away fans.

Wednesday 5 September
Well, well. Lord Alan Buckley's negative tippy-tappy football seems to have accidentally thrashed an opposing team expected to make the running in a higher division. What are we going to do now, eh? Since the end of the game last night the Diary has read about a dozen match reports on Town's 4-1 thumping of Huddersfield in the Football League Trophy, and if there's one thing more surprising than the Mariners scoring a load of goals, it's the excellent account of the match that appeared on the superb new official website about half an hour after the final whistle. Sadly the Huddersfield Daily Examiner, which used to be a good paper, seems to have degenerated into the tabloid-style use of paragraph breaks after every sentence because that's all the attention span and intelligence they're prepared to credit their readers with. Here at Cod Almighty, though, our favourite response to the result came from no-nonsense Buckley himself, who, when asked on Mariners World whether his side will kick on from here and mete out a comparable tonking to Accrington this Saturday, said simply: "How do I know, Dale?" Grimsby fans will never respect plain speaking, Al; you'll have to work on the flannel if you want to be as popular as Lennie Lawrence.

The only note of sadness to sound from last night's sumptuous symphony goes something like this: one, two, a-one-two-zero-four. Even so, the paltry attendance of 1,204 is no worse than those recorded in the early rounds of the same competition in the past two seasons and – whisper it – in the 1997–98 tournament. One of those happy few was Sibbo, whose email to the Diary is entitled "It Started With A Piss". "After two pints before the game," he writes, "I needed the loo just as Nick Fenton decided to equalise for Town, only moments before half time. Never mind, eh. Three more goals sealed victory and we all went home happy. Dave Mulligan looked very solid at right-back and Town thoroughly deserved to be in the next round. We're such a better team to watch and I'm sure our league position will improve." Have we even got a league position yet? Back in the day the media never even used to publish tables until about five games in, did they?

Sibbo's not finished there though. "On the way home from the game," he adds, "my mate Maurice, who started watching the Mariners long before I did, told me that a goalkeeper in past years was about to take the field in a green jersey. He was quickly told to change it, as the colour green is not a good omen for mariners. Have you heard of this superstition?" Heard of it? Why, the Diary hosted a lengthy discussion on precisely this topic as recently as May 2003; scroll down to the entry for Wednesday 7 May and then read upwards. Ooh, blimey – remember all that about the Jarvis bloke who went missing? I wonder if he's turned up yet...

Tuesday 4 September
Loan right-back Dave Mulligan is set to make his full debut for the Mariners in tonight's Football League Trophy tie at home to Huddersfield – and may be watched by kids whose parents have been tempted by a last-minute offer to take them to the match for free. GTFC announced yesterday afternoon, on the club's superb new official website, that adults paying the full (but reduced) admission price of £10 would be entitled to take under-16s in with them for free. They may be cutting it a bit fine, and the SNOS may be entirely unclear about whether one adult can take more than one kid, but there'll be no extra time because kids don't really like the actual watching-the-football part of going to a match, do they, so it's as well to keep that to a minimum, and the kick-off time has been brought forward to a family-bedtime-friendly 7:30pm. The Diary's tip? Expect another tight match, another defeat on penalties, and about 23 kids getting in for free with their uncles and then being back home to bed in plenty of time for a marathon all-night Playstation 3 binge.

And in an admirable example of flexible and responsive decision-making, Mariners bosses have now declared that the minute of applause for the late Tony Richardson will now take place not tonight, as announced in the Grimsby Telegraph yesterday, but "before the Stockport game", which takes place a week on Saturday, possibly in belated recognition that despite the 'free kids night' there might not be very many people there this evening, which would have made for much less of a tribute than Town's former commercial manager deserves.

Town's not-quite-as-bad-as-the-other-franchise-applicants broadcasting partner, Last Resort FM, has come in for a bit of stick from supporters for the quality of its match commentaries and, indeed, came in from a bit of stick from the Diary yesterday for a shocking market trader-style punctuation error in its online marketing material (apple's 35p/lb, tom's 42p/lb, Mariner's Live). Mat Hare has emailed to suggest that "maybe Compass are bringing us (and when I say us I actually mean the seven people that live within range of their transmitter) coverage of a NASA space probe, as in 'Mariner's live on Compass FM'." I suppose there's at least as much chance of that as there is of the station having recruited former Ipswich and England forward Paul Mariner as a summariser.

Monday 3 September

Mariner's what live? Answers on an e-postcard to the usual address.

So, five games in to the new season, what can we gather thus far? All those bumper season ticket sales Town spent the summer telling us about can't have amounted to much after all, as the terms Lord Alan Buckley is able to offer to potential new players have been deemed insufficient 21 times in the last half-hour alone. A thoughtful email from Guest Diary earlier today pointed out that the squad numbers two forwards in Gary Jones and Isaiah Rankin whose strength lies more in creating than finishing goals and two more in Danny North and Andy Taylor who are too green to be expected to stick 'em in the net with any great consistency. More reliable goalscorers being at an unaffordable premium, it isn't altogether surprising that the current team is unable to put away anything like enough of the plentiful chances they create, and that's why the Mariners are "22th" in the table (I'd be interested to know how the Telewag is pronouncing that).

So far, so obvious. But the Diary has suspected for some time that this season will be a work in progress akin to Buckley's first in charge of the Mariners – the 1988–89 campaign, when Town finished ninth in the fourth division – and that only after another year with the current manager at the helm will the team be ready to challenge for the top. The Buckley way, it seems, is like a fine wine, which takes much care and time to perfect but is ultimately all the more satisfying. If you prefer the instant hit of a brightly coloured alcopop then you can always fuck off and watch the Premiership with all the other sheep, but don't come crying to the Diary when foot and mouth disease strikes and my mixed metaphor runs out of steam juice.

What's next, then? Third division Huddersfield at home tomorrow night in the Paint Pot, that's what. Ryan Bennett will be suspended after picking up a late red card in the weekend's annoying defeat at Shrewsbury, so Dave Mulligan will make a full debut at right-back, assuming he's not too knackered from Saturday. The Grimsby Telegraph tells us that the game will be preceded by a minute's applause for Town's long-serving commercial manager Tony Richardson, who retired in 2006 and died last week at the age of 63. I reckon the Mariners might as well start with Andy Taylor and just see what happens, eh? Bye for now.

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