Cod Almighty - Diary - September 2008

daily independent coverage of Grimsby Town FC - well, nearly

Diary - September 2008

Tuesday 30 September
Get through managers at the rate of one a season? Rearrange a fixture to help Bastard Franchise Scum win the league? Announce that a Friday night game against Oxford "proved to be a winner with Mariners fans" despite an attendance below the average for that season? If Town officials are looking for ways to make the club into an integrity-lite pariah of the Football League, they could do no better than sound out Steve Evans as a candidate to replace Lord Alan Buckley as manager – and, blow me, that's exactly what they might have done. After Deadly John (Con) revealed yesterday that his eight-name shortlist for the biggest job in North East Lincolnshire football "includes some additional candidates who have not applied", Evans' current club Crawley Town happened to mention that the crook in their dugout had been the subject of an approach from another club. "I told them immediately that he was contracted to Crawley Town Football Club and unless they paid the amount for his release stated in his contract then they could look elsewhere," said Desperate Dan-jawed director and co-owner Phil Jarman. Crawley currently look a reasonable bet to win promotion to the Football League under Evans, just as Boston United of the Northern Premier League once did before them.

If convicted fraudster Evans were to take the reins at Blundell Park, principled Town supporters could at least console themselves with the knowledge that he wasn't the GTFC board's first choice for the job. No – the GTFC board's first choice for the job was Dean Windass. Despite the club having stated publicly that interviewing for the post begins only today, it is a fact that the veteran King$ton Communication$ FC striker has already been offered and rejected the keys to the manager's office at BP. How do we know this is a fact? We know because the Daily Mail says so, and who could possibly doubt so authoritative a source given the Mail's cast-iron record of accuracy about Christmas being banned, crime 'spiralling out of control', the introduction of a minimum wage being certain to cause record levels of unemployment, half the world dying of bird flu, the other half being blown up by the large hadron collider, and climate change being caused by cows and Muslims?

The Diary may or may not have heard from an equally reliable source that the manager's job is actually all but guaranteed to former Brighton boss Dean Wilkins, but that's not to say we can't look ahead. It may have come around a little too soon for him this time, but who's to say that one of Wilkins' successors in the hotseat might not be cult Mariners hero Gary Jones? Our beloved Lump has taken his first steps into coaching this week with a post as assistant manager at Colwyn Bay of the Northern Premier League, and just to confuse any disgruntled Town fans who are tempted to transfer their support to Llanelian Road for the season, one of the first signings of the Lump era has been cult Mariners anti-hero Dave Challinor.

"I applaud the efforts of both Barnet and the Mariners for their performances on Saturday," writes Tom in an email to the Diary. "Sadly, however, I have to say that this kind of activity will never replace football." Tom declined to include his surname but it should be pretty obvious to all of us who he is.

Monday 29 September
Not content with transforming GTFC into one of those laughing stock clubs that average a new manager every season or so (see also: Real Madrid, Newcastle United, Tottenham Hotspur), Town chairman Deadly John (Con) has gone one better and effectively sacked his second manager in two weeks. Caretaker boss Disco Stu Watkiss will not be given the job permanently, it was subtly but firmly declared after Saturday's home defeat by Barnet ("the board confirms, [their comma] that this managerial post will be an external appointment [sic.]"). In truth, Fenty has made a shrewd call by making the announcement "in order to unite the club, players and fans" immediately after Town's worst performance since the Nicky Law catastrophe in 2004, but he will have bitterly disappointed hundreds of supporters who had spent the previous week telling anyone who would listen that Watkiss had already been promised the job – he was the cheap option, apparently – and were revving themselves up for another frenzied campaign of turning up to one match in six months and singing "woddaloooadarubbish" all on one note.

Bad news, too, for those Town fans who had convinced themselves that Alan Buckley's baldness was the only impediment to our club being propelled single-handedly back up the divisions by Straight Peter Bore. The Mariners' talented but sexually unadventurous right winger, it was thought by some, had been held back by Buckley's old-fashioned man-management style and lack of hair, but SPB has been sent home early from his loan at non-League York City after failing to impress Minstermen boss Colin Walker for much the same reasons he failed to impress Buckley. "[Straight] Peter Bore started brightly," Walker has told the local paper, "but I've watched him maybe six times and, in two, he was absolutely outstanding and, in four, he was in and out. It's the same story in training as well... Hopefully, [Straight] Peter Bore will take this disappointment as a kick up the rear end and go back to the new Grimsby manager, kick on and show him that he's got pace, can turn and score a goal." The Diary shares Walker's hopes entirely, although it should be noted that SPB some time ago made public his unwillingness to take anything up the rear end.

Lastly, our apologies to anyone awaiting Cod Almighty's match report on Saturday's game (mostly Barnet fans, we'd imagine – and if any are reading the Diary, please accept our hearty congratulations on finding a worse team than yours!). It will be published later this afternoon, having arrived severely late at Cod Almighty towers after our match reporter Mr Tony Butcher watched his computer melt, possibly in a kind of ironic tribute to the performance of Tom Newey.

Friday 26 September
"First watched Mariners 1930s. Saw finest football currently available for 6d. George Tweedy, Harry Betmead, Ginger Hall, Pat Glover et al. Lenin, I believe, told us capitalism bears within it seeds of own destruction. When may we expect GTFC to fold and put us all out of our misery?" Diary reader John Ellis, it would seem, has supported Town all his life through a bit of thick and then an awful lot of thin. And as recession starts to nibble again in the nasty noughties, the prospect of the Mariners' final demise has perhaps never been more real.

Professional football, like capitalism, seems determined to eat itself. When asked about assisting the club to move to their planned but unaffordable new stadium at North East Lincolnshire Council's recent Question Time event, local MP Austin Mitchell trotted this out (as paraphrased on the Trust website: "The Council should facilitate but can't finance the relocation and that better redistribution of TV money is required so that more of it gets to the roots of football." GTST Chairman Dave Otter had asked the question. No-one from the council was keen to raise their head above the parapet and make a meaningful response. Thinking caps were mentioned, but only in passing. It was admitted that the club is a community asset as well as a commercial enterprise. But so are post offices and look what is happening to them.

Mr Otter must have left that meeting a depressed man. But in the present market-led society the consumer is king. And if the consumer doesn't like the product, or can't afford it, then the writing is on the wall. The best idea your depressed Guest Diarist can come up with this Friday morn is for Coun. John Fenty (Con) to meet with himself and vote though a change to the articles of association of the club so it becomes a bank. Banks aren't allowed to fail however badly they are run, are they?

Meanwhile Town manager Mr Watkiss(es) named his team yesterday for the home game against Barnet: Barnes; Stockdale, Heywood, Bennett, Newey; Kamara, Hunt, Trotter, Till; Llewellyn, Ameobi. "We've gotta do something," said Watkiss(es) resignedly, repeatedly observing in his weekly interview with Mariners World that three points out of the last available 45 was not good enough. The manager explained that 3-5-2 works when Town have the ball but definitely doesn't when the opposition full-backs start exploiting the space down the flanks. Quite why he has chosen Llewellyn to partner the inexperienced Ameobi was not even touched upon. Town now have too many players in their squad. Some of these non-playing forwards surely have to go. At least two out of Butler, Taylor, North and Jarman will not even make the bench tomorrow. And Mr Bore is likely to return soon with his tail between his legs after a less than happy time at York, where he has managed not score any goals at all and, as far as I know, never played for more than hour in any one game.

In previous seasons Barnet at home would have been classed as the easiest game of the season. But Town are only evens to win tomorrow, and even 11/10 against with some firms. Tragic or what? The attendance, despite a cheap ticket offer, is likely to be low. Team spirit is unlikely to be high given the chopping and changing. But hey, the weather forecast is good, and half a dozen of the Buckley-knockers may return to get the crowd up to 3000. Let's go down and give them one more chance – we might miss the only Watkiss(es) home game otherwise. See yer.

Thursday 25 September
Tomi Ameobi is a 20-year-old striker who joined Doncaster Rovers from Leeds United during the last close season. He made ten substitute appearances for Scunthorpe United on loan last season, scoring no goals – the only senior outings of his career so far, bar a couple of run-outs in the cups for Leeds. His big brother plays up front for Newcastle and occasionally scores a goal. Malvin Kamara is a London-born Sierra Leone international currently with Huddersfield Town, whom he joined in June 2007 after spells with Port Vale, Cardiff City, Bastard Franchise Scum and Wimbledon. A 24-year-old winger, he has scored 13 goals, having started 97 games and made a further 77 appearances as a substitute. Both players are training with the Mariners and are set to sign one-month loan deals with the club today, bringing to three the number of short-term signings made by the club since the sacking last week of Alan Buckley.

Michael Harrison, for one, is convinced that all these new signings mean only one thing. "Mr Fenty is really, really good at keeping his cards close to his Tory blue vest," begins his email to the Diary, "but his comments on the applications and interviews say more than mere words. Clearly, the Hon. John has decided to let young Watkiss have a go. Otherwise our Blessed Leader would not be splashing the cash on loanees all over the fish shop, would he? Fairly easy game on Saturday, any sort of result will allow the Mighty One to prevaricate further about a spanking new manager. We will see a statement saying that the applications have been considered... shortlisting next week... interviews the week after... in the meantime hoping that the stand in will gather a few more points and oops there you go... cheapest option but no room for the doubters to argue with a few points in the bag. Unless of course, Barnet could do us all a favour."

Right, well, for one thing, these are loan players, so if a new manager comes in and doesn't want them, he can just send them back at minimal expense. For a second, both Fenty and Buckley had acknowledged all along that the money was there to bring in more players, but it was just a question of Buckley finding the ones he deemed right for his team and, for better or for worse, he was clearly far more particular in this regard than your average manager. For another thing, can anyone give a grounding in fact to this cliché about Watkiss being a "cheap option"? Do you really think he'd be promoted from assistant manager to manager without getting a pay rise? Or have you just heard other people saying it and you want to fit in? For a fourth, even if Disco Stu is a cheap option, there's no money coming in because no bastard is going to Blundell Park to watch the team, so you couldn't really blame Fenty if he were trying to save a few bob. And finally, how is everyone so sure that Watkiss would be no good? What is this knowledge based on? Shouldn't we just see what happens before we moan about it? If we use up all our moan energy on Watkiss being rubbish, and then he doesn't get the job, or he gets the job and turns out to be alright, we won't have any energy left to moan about the manager who does get the job or about Watkiss playing too direct a style, or not direct enough a style, or whatever. Think about what you're doing!

So what is happening about the manager's job? Well, when David 'What Would You Say To Us?' Burnsy mentioned his name on the radio last week the Diary smiled in professional admiration at the broadcaster's ability to get a rise out of his fellow Town fans. Today, however, corpulent East Yorkshireman Dean Windass has been linked with the managerial vacancy at Blundell Park by no less a source than the Mirror – a newspaper renowned for its 100 per cent accuracy in all its prognostications of football transfers and managerial appointments. "Dean Windass could be in line for a shock move to Grimsby as player-manager. The [King$ton Communication$ FC] striker has been targeted by the League Two club and is wanted to replace Alan Buckley following his sacking last week," reports the Mirror, in no way registering the player's discontent at being left out of the KCFC team, putting two and two together and coming up with a five-legged alabaster elephant on stilts.

"If we're asking rhetorical political questions," begins an email from Mark Wilson in response to yesterday's Diary, "could someone please explain to me how George Bush, a disciple of Milton Freedman-led Chicago School of Economics-style unfettered free market economics, can justify massive government intervention to prop up a banking system caving in under the pressure of rampant profit making by a small clique of robber barons?" The Diary couldn't have put it better myself, Mark, and when a man like Bush can be called a communist you know that the cracks are starting to appear in capitalism. Not every reader, I am certain, is likely to share the Diary's hardline socialist views, but if hundreds of millions of workers worldwide are left destitute after the collapse of the global economic system brought about by the structural contradictions within capitalism, then surely we can all agree that it would at least be a good laugh if the Premier League goes bankrupt as well.

Lastly today, David Parrott asks: "How about Alan Buckley? He has a decent record at our level and likes to play attractive, passing football." I can only assume he's talking about the Newcastle job.

Wednesday 24 September
Signings alert woo woo signings alert. Disco Stu Watkiss's mumbly accent and slightly downbeat tone in front of the Mariners World camera probably give some supporters a misleading impression of a man mired in indecision and overtaken by events – an unfortunate cosmetic handicap he shares with the Prime Minister. While Mr Gordon Brown is offering new policies Town's caretaker manager is offering new players, and if Liam Trotter was free universal health check-ups for everyone over 40 then a potential new striker by the end of today could be home internet and personal tutors for schoolchildren. I really should stop now. But speaking of The Politics – because I know it makes some of you very angry, and that's always good for a laugh – can anyone explain how we're supposed to believe that the Tories have moved on from their Victorian moral hypocrisy when they're still practising paternalistic social discrimination by offering new tax breaks to couples but denying them to those who aren't married? It's a rhetorical question so don't bother emailing.

Any old how, you get the feeling that the efforts of neither Mr Brown nor Mr Watkiss will keep them in their current jobs for very much longer; regardless of their abilities to manage in the long term, not to mention the fact they've only been in post for five minutes, many people seem to have made up their minds not to give them a chance. Now that Ilkeston Town manager David Holdsworth has dramatically ruled himself out of the running for the Blundell Park hotseat, Mariners chairman Deadly John (Con) has changed his mind about interviewing candidates this week – which he had earlier suggested would be a possibility – and leave it until next week to even begin sifting through the applications. In this matter, it seems to the Diary, the chairman is damned if he does and damned if he doesn't, with some supporters certain to be turning purple with rage at what they will see as directorial dithering, and others bound to condemn him for rushing it if he opted to make a quicker decision. He might be in the other party from the Prime Minister but that doesn't mean they've nothing in common.

"Having lived in Sussex briefly a few years ago," writes Pat Bell in an email referring to yesterday's Diary, "I'm a bit alarmed to learn from the Diary that Lewes is now by the sea – it was surrounded by hills last time I visited." Yeah, well – climate change and that, eh. It's close enough – leave me alone!

David Wilkinson is another correspondent who likes to begin his emails with the word 'having'. Don't believe me? Get a load of this then. "Having listened to the Michael Buerk interview with Mike Newell this morning on Radio 4, for those who thought Alan Buckley was an awkward bugger, Newell is in a different class. Whether or not Fenty is big enough to work with him – or big enough to stand up to a lot in the football establishment who clearly don't want him to work again – I very much doubt. But he would get my vote for the next Town manager – an ex-footballer who is articulate, thinks for himself and with a proven track record at our level. Not many of them about!" Would Newell fancy it though, David? Do any other readers have preferred candidates? Email diary@codalmighty.com to let us know.

Lastly today, let's have a quick update on Straight Peter Bore, because there probably won't be many more chances. "He's got a lot of qualities that he has to bring out. He's got to show that on the pitch if he gets selected tonight," said York manager Colin Walker yesterday, shortly before omitting his Grimsby Town loanee from the 16 on duty for his side's visit to Kidderminster last night. The Diary is not a gambling man, and even if I were I'd be looking for a very good price indeed before being tempted by a flutter on SPB's loan at Bootham Crescent being extended to a second month.

Tuesday 23 September
Not much to tell today, folks, but an email from Ancient Mariner 64 finds some curious parallels between the Mariners' situation and that of another coastal football club. "Those who weep for the departed Alan Buckley might spare a tear or two for Fleetwood Town manager Tony Greenwood. After taking 'the Codheads' to their highest position in the club's history – 20th position in the Conference North after three promotions in five years – Greenwood was sacked this week after accumulating a mere five points from nine games. Strange symmetry, eh, for management heroes in what once were fishing towns? Chairman Andy Pilley had gone on record last season as wanting League Two status within three years. Greenwood took them to the Northern Premier League championship but alas progress like that was too slow. Impatient or what?" It can lean too far the other way though, of course – another club based by the sea, Lewes, sacked their manager Steve King in the summer before they even got to kick a ball this season and he'd just won them the Conference South title – achieving something like their fourth promotion in ten years. Why? "At no time has Steve King been asked to get us promotion," said director Kevin Powell. "He's created the problem, if you like – and I don't mean this in a negative way – because he's been so successful." So there's always someone worse off than you. And harder to understand.

We all laughed last week when a Grimsby Telegraph reporter wrote: "One thing you can't fault Buckley for is his commitment to the cause and his workmanlike approach." And now Dr Phil has emailed to point out another amusing cock-up by our local rag. "Peter Till believes the Grimsby Town board can do no worse than to give the vacant manager's job to Stuart Watkiss on a permanent basis," began an item in yesterday's paper. "For pity's sake. Are literacy skills in this country in a permanent tailspin?" asks an exasperated Phil. Well, either the crap pay in local newspaper publishing means all the decent journalists are sodding off to earn more money as press officers, or else Till is just quoting the messageboards.

"All this talk of Mike Newell and how agents won't deal with him – since Town spend bugger all (is it actually nothing?) on agents does it really matter?" asks Lee Bradley. "Sounds like a match made in heaven." Sounds good to me, Lee – but at the same time, now that Colchester and Port Vale have both sacked their managers, Town have got superior competition for attracting the best names. Just a thought. See you all tomorrow.

Monday 22 September
In contexts other than a massive run of crap results in the nether regions of the fourth division, a 1-1 draw away at Morecambe might be considered a useful outcome – but the Diary is frugged if I can remember the last time Town spent much time in any context other than a massive run of crap results in the nether regions of the fourth division. It might not lift the beleaguered Mariners above 20th place, but Disco Stu Watkiss has his first point on the board, Liam Trotter looked at least half decent, and hey, at least Notts County are still crap as well. More significantly, DSW is inflating our expectations about more new signings in a most unBuckleylike way. "I'm hopeful that at least one, maybe two, new players will be in the door next week," he said after Saturday's game. "I think if it all comes off people will be excited by the people coming in but, obviously, I'm not going to blow our trumpets until it's an absolute 100 per cent done deal. Certainly, speaking to the club involved – and it's a big, big club – if it all comes off, I think everybody will be genuinely excited by it." Boooo Fenty cheap option etc etc.

The web-dwelling portion of the Grimsby faithful may have decided Watkiss was the wrong man before he was even born, but Town's goalscorer at Christie Park and runaway player of the season so far, Peter Till, wouldn't mind too much if the former Mansfield boss were to succeed Lord Alan Buckley on a permanent basis. "Stuart has come in with a lot of fresh ideas, training has been really bright and really different and spirits have been lifted. I don't see any reason why Stuart can't become the permanent manager," is how the Grimsby Telegraph quotes Till, who clearly spends less time than his chairman reading internet messageboards.

Lastly today, an announcement has been made about Town's forthcoming surprise win at little brother club Scunthorpe in the second round of the Dulux Cup on Tuesday 7 October. No advance tickets will be available from Blundell Park, according to the Mariners' superb new official website, so any Town fans travelling to the game will be required to pay on the gate in the unlikely event that they make it through the area surrounding Glanford Park without losing the will to live, cursing the God who created the heavens and the Earth and hurling themselves under the wheels of a passing 18-wheeler.

Friday 19 September
Your Guest Diarist returns, the bearer of good news. Mr Watkiss(es), the new Town manager, has instigated a new training regime: Monday through Wednesday the lads work on what to do if they have the ball, and what to do when they haven't (no smart comments from the back please). But Thursday has been designated the day on which to 'rest their brains'. Mariners World interviewer Dale had obviously witnessed this brain-resting stuff and curiously asked in that deferential way of his what the hell had been going on. Sadly, we do not get to find out quite what brain-resting entails in any more detail. I'll leave you, gentle reader, to make your own fantasy.

Our Stu explained that although the shadow of the "events of Monday" hung heavy he had been a busy beaver and was close to signing three loan players. This squad-strengthening talk was neatly interlaced with mentions of his boundless enthusiasm for the attitude, motivation and skills of the present lot. In that sort of so-good-we-are-gonna-have-to-let-some-of-you-go way that bosses tend to use in times of difficulty. Watkiss(es) has already signed promising Ipswich midfielder Liam Trotter on a month's loan, and talks of a player from a Premiership club possibly signing over the weekend, and, ahem, a player from another second division side joining too very imminently.

Trotter is a simply great signing: with recent second division games under his belt he is a big attacking midfielder who can run about a lot and scores a few goals. Heslop he is not. He comes highly recommended by the Ipswich fan I know. Can't wait to see him play for us. The lad himself confesses to having briefly met Ryan Bennett in his interview for the super new official Grimsby Town website and adds: "I would like to bring a bit of good luck and a bit of good fortune to the team. I've got a lot of energy, I like to get up and down the pitch, I'm a decent passer of the ball, pop up with my fair share of goals, and if I can get going, get into my stride, maybe I can get this team where they want to go." Heady stuff, eh?

As for the team tomorrow, it would seem that Stockdale is likely to come back at right-back (phew) but Hope is a week away from match fitness. Mr Watkiss(es) says that North's goals in his last two games can't be ignored and that Taylor looks sharp again too. I was willing the interviewer to mention Butler, but his name never came up. Surely the club is looking to offload the player who lives too far away to train? And my bet is there are a few other names in the squad who are wondering if they may be made available to Conference teams with ten bob and a bag of spanners to spare. And that's not meant to belittle them but there's not exactly a lot of cash passes between lower league clubs these days, and spanners always come in handy, don't they?

Morecambe beat Shrewsbury. And they beat Oldham. So just because they could only draw at Barnet, when, as every Town fan knows, it is impossible not to beat Barnet, don't underestimate them. Their squad, bolstered by some good loan signings (and the close season transfer kitty having been boosted by selling Carl Baker) is definitely stronger than last season. This will be a tough test, and I wish I could be arsed to put the rest of my complicated life on hold and go and watch it.

By the way, I would never deliberately crib from another fanzine but feel duty bound to pass on the information in the Fishy match preview that it would appear that when Buckley left he also took the club manger with him. I'll get me coat. See yer.

Thursday 18 September
Now it's Richard O'Kelly's turn. Brought to Blundell Park as a player by Alan Buckley in the late 1980s, O'Kelly scored ten goals in 39 appearances before injury forced him to quit. Then came stints as a youth team coach with the Mariners, West Brom (for seven years) and Aston Villa, followed by assistant manager positions at Hereford, Bournemouth and latterly Doncaster, where his manager Sean O'Driscoll said yesterday: "Richard is 50 years of age and he doesn't need my permission to do anything. He's well thought of at Grimsby and he'll make his own decisions." Like John Deehan before him, O'Kelly is a midlands-born former centre-forward – a background that is unlikely to endear a managerial candidate to some sections of the Mariners' support – but on the positive side, as far as the Diary's concerned, he has nearly the same name as the director of Donnie Darko.

As the dust settles on the sacking – sorry, John; the gentle ushering towards the exit door of Lord Alan Buckley, a re-examination of last Saturday's freakish home defeat against Chester suggests that the result was even more contrary to the play than already suspected. Many observers sympathetic to the Mariners have already noted the extraordinary possession statistic recorded on the BBC sport website after the match, as reproduced below:

But further research by a crack team of football boffins who look a bit like Dr Bunsen Honeydew off of The Muppet Show has since revealed a series of further statistics proving, by science and that, that the Deviants were even more fortunate than had previously been suggested:

Last up from your regular Diary this week is another email from Jane Banks, who, if upper case were upper class, would be first in line to the throne. "Thanks for your concern about my oxygen levels! Ha ha ha, I am FINE! Nothing like a good old rant, is there! Come on you MIGHTY MARINERS, sock it to ALL THE FANS now!" Thanks, Jane – we're all glad you're OK! If your internet connection ever goes down, just stand on your doorstep and read out your email and and we should pick it up just fine.

Wednesday 17 September
Whoever ends up becoming the Mariners' 914th manager this decade, the Diary hopes it isn't Andy Ritchie, because he has made his interest in the position known in a devious, underhand way. This is not a charge that can be levelled at John Deehan, who has applied for the post in the proper, respectable fashion, by sending a correctly addressed curriculum vitae to Blundell Park, at the same time as giving a big interview about it. Best known for his spells in charge of Norwich and Wigan in the 1990s, but having kept busy since as assistant manager at Aston Villa and Sheffield United and director of stuff at Lincoln and Northampton, Deehan is quoted at length in today's Grimsby Telegraph and says all the right things about young players and getting back where we belong. It remains to be seen whether his ability to talk a good game will compensate for his inauspicious background as a midlands-born former centre-forward.

Ritchie, in case you missed it, was heavily 'linked with' the Town job by a couple of scuzzy tabloids yesterday despite not having applied for it and no interest being expressed in his services by officials at Blundell Park. Why, however could such a thing happen? "I'm obviously pleased to be linked with the job but I haven't heard anything," says the radio pundit and former Barnsley, Oldham and Huddersfield boss. "Whether I will do in the next few days I don't know. I certainly haven't applied for the job. I haven't had any contact with them [except indirectly, when I rang a couple of my mates in the media and asked them to make up some story about me being the frontrunner for the job]."

Meanwhile back at the ranch, Deadly John Fenty has given a video interview about the departure of Alan Buckley to the club's superb new official website. (It says it's available even to non-Mariners World subscribers but some people can't watch it and are getting error messages about licences being exceeded.) The Town chairman appears to suggest that AB's departure was by mutual consent in his choice of terminology ("I wouldn't like to call it 'sacked'... that's not the case with Alan"), and uses the phrase "going forward", but also pays a proper nice tribute to Buckley's past achievements with the club. "A raft of applications" to sit on the BP hotseat has already arrived, explains Deadly John (Con) at some length. If you're reading, John – unlike the man who doesn't "go on your internet" – feel free to tap out a few words for our page of happy Buckley memories.

"Defenders Robbie Stockdale and Richard Hope edged closer to match fitness," begins the Grimsby Telegraph in a brief account of last night's 2-1 defeat for Town's reserve team at York. Both defenders, who have missed nearly the whole season injured so far, played the full 90 as Big Danny North scored for Town, so he seems to be steadily edging closer to match fitness as well.

"I am GUTTED that Alan Buckley has been sacked," is the first sentence of an email to the Diary in the characteristic style of Jane 'JANE BANKS' Banks. "But more than anything, I hope the PLAYERS are SATISFIED that due to their DISMAL EFFORTS they are now MANAGERLESS! The ball is FIRMLY in THEIR COURT NOW, it is HIGH TIME for them to PLAY THE GAME PROPERLY, and be AWARE OF WHO IS AROUND THEM, instead of kicking the ball 'anywhere will do' not knowing where their team mates are on the field of play and passing the ball accurately. Just because they play professional football doesn't mean they have 'made it' into the big time. They need to PRACTISE HARD ON THE TRAINING FIELD. At the end of the day not only are they AMBASSADORS for the club they are playing for, but AMBASSADORS FOR FURTHER THEIR OWN CAREERS! The ONLY way to get the Fans BACK into the club is by WINNING GAMES AND PLAYING SCINTILLATING FOOTBALL, not running to one side of the pitch, and looking GOBSMACKED when a member of the opposition takes the ball off their feet, and our players STAND THEIR LOOKING STUNNED WONDERING WHERE DID THEY COME FROM! Come o" – and there it ends. I'm hoping that at this point the feedback form simply ran out of space, but it might be for the best if one of Jane's neighbours could just pop round with some oxygen and make sure she's OK.

Lastly today, a despairing Rich Mills has emailed to say: "Great Diary yesterday once again but shame about the news. Why ditch Alan now? What can they hope to do to make things better? Support is low; the club is low on investment and yet for some reason persists in targeting a new ground as the answer to its troubles. I hate to say it but I can see us going down this season and I don't think we'll bounce back." Hey, cheer up, Rich. Those pies at Kidderminster were bloody lovely.

Tuesday 16 September
So, where are we up to? Andy Ritchie's agent is placing stories in the tabloids and John Fenty (Con) says he'll make the right decision next time. The Grimsby Telegraph has done a quick ring-round for opinions, and come up with, well, very little, really. Sir John McDermott is controversially "disappointed for Alan"; supporters' trust chief Dave Otter has his cake and eats it ("I am a big supporter of Alan Buckley but, at the end of the day, I don't think the chairman had any alternative"); and self-appointed voice of the fans Dave Boylen seems to have slept through most of the last two matches ("we are letting goals in too easily and getting beaten too easily"). Yes, it was an absolute stroll in the park for Chester, wasn't it. Give that man the key to the manager's office.

The Diary notes with approval, however, a rediscovered willingness at the Telegraph to have a go at John Fenty (Con). For the last three aeons our local rag has been too terrified of provoking another tantrum from the notoriously thin-skinned Town chairman to even imply any fallibility on his part, but today's paper points out slyly that "less than 48 hours after revealing in his programme notes for Saturday's home game with Chester that the club were 'committed to stability', the Town board met with Buckley to dispense with his services". The best entertainment to be had so far, however, comes from Telegraph journo and MU Glazersox consumer David Pye, who writes: "One thing you can't fault Buckley for is his commitment to the cause and his workmanlike approach." No-one expects the Spanish Inquisition, Dave!

Your emails have been coming thicker and faster than usual, of course, and as an counterweight to the anti-Buckley invective that everyone else has been spurting, Cod Almighty is planning to publish some readers' happy memories of AB's association with the club (use the feedback form to contribute yours) but in the meantime Dave Chambers was first off the mark yesterday, asking John Fenty: "What made you change your tune from someone who wanted to give Alan Buckley and his team time this season to someone who is a stupid, stupid, stupid, reactionary, short-term-planning twat?" Well, if there's one positive to draw from yesterday's events, the sack-happy Tory in the chairman's office has at least given a clear indication of the fate that awaits thousands of public servants if his party wins power at the next General Election.

"In complete sympathy with the Diary," writes Tom Carpenter. "What would have been a sad day for the club in any circumstances is made all the worse for its confirmation of the fact that the club is run by a board who take their lead from the kind of people who manage to find the time between scrounging off work and generally being worthless to hurl ill thought out and shockingly punctuated insults at their club's officials. Has anyone at CA considered an alternative forum for Town fans with more than two brain cells, or at least some sort of pledge for people to take never to visit 'The Fishy' again. Some of the crowing observable on it today is surely the last straw for decent Town fans." Thanks for your support, Tom. I don't think the editors of a website should be held responsible for the content of its messageboard though, and CA policy is not to discourage our readers from visiting other Town sites. There is an alternative forum, however – an email list which most of the CA team take part in, so I'll ask the administrators to send you an invite. If anyone else would like one, do feel free to ask the Diary (and be prepared for a knockback if we don't like your face).

James Parrott is another who spreads the blame between the chairman and certain sections of Town's support. "Like you, I also have little real hope that Mr Fenty will manage to appoint a good, ultimately successful manager," he writes. "That's for another day. I want to address the clubs 'fanbase'. I get the falling gates. I understand that the ticket prices are ridiculous, the ground is horrendous and the atmosphere there is unpleasant. I struggle to get to games myself. But I wonder what thought processes grip drive intellectual giants who spend their time posting such online wisdoms as (generic example) 'Buckley out. I told you he didn't know what he was doing, etc. Relegation blah blah blah'. Great. Well done. I notice that relatively few of these people castigate the players for not being able to defend as a team or take scoring chances. Instead, they blame the only really successful manager we have had in recent times. He could only play the hand he was dealt. The club is at a low ebb and resources are limited at best. I would have thought that was obvious every matchday. So good luck with the new manager John."

"So what's the cause and effect here?" asks Dr Phil. "Was AB sacked because of the stock market meltdown, or has the market collapsed because AB has been sacked? I think we should be told, Mr Fenty." The stock market has collapsed because of the large hadron collider, obviously.

Chris Beeley is next. He begins: "What a sad day for the club. What short memories people have. Buckley's had no money, little support from some 'fans', and his players (it has to be said) have sometimes let him down too. Yet last season he took us to Wembley (again), got close to the play-offs for a time, and even this season we knocked a higher-division team out of the League Cup and gave a decent account of ourselves against a fabulously wealthy (by our standards) Premiership club. I'm the first to admit I've moaned and groaned about some results in the league this year, but I've never advocated Buckley's sacking – who else are we going to get that would do better? Here we go with another attempted quick fix by the board which no doubt will end in disaster both financially and on the pitch. I'm more miserable about the club today then I've been for ages, and that's saying something.

"OK, rant over," concludes Chris. "I'm off to prepare my CV and will be applying for the job on the basis that I'm probably better qualified than many of the people who will actually be interviewed, and at least I wouldn't just be there to make a fast buck or two before I was sacked when we lose the relegation race in May, with the embarrassment of having had a 17-point start." Let's hope Andy Ritchie is reading, eh.

On a related but separate topic to conclude today's Diary, the reserves are playing away at York tonight, and sadly it doesn't look like Straight Peter Bore is playing. You'd think he'd have energy to burn after being subbed off at the weekend ten minutes into the second half.

Monday 15 September
There were one or two things about Alan Buckley's third spell in charge of the Mariners that made the Diary wonder whether his managerial abilities had deserted him. But the timing and style of his sacking today demonstrate a lack of judgement in the boardroom that goes far beyond anything in the dugout.

At around 10:30 this morning GTFC announced the dismissal of the manager using the same cowardly "relieved of his duties" cliché that they used when they gave Graham Rodger the boot two years ago (if you're sacking someone, just say you're sacking someone). Far worse, though, was the timing. Rodger's marching orders may have been issued hastily but 2008–09 was the one season, by virtue of the points deductions given to Luton and Bournemouth, when the chairman had the luxury of time to consider a decision. What a pity that he chose to squander it. Whether or not Buckley could ultimately have got Town out of this hole – and the Diary has seriously doubted it at times – this was the wrong moment in every way to deny him the chance. Perhaps the unrewarded performances at Gillingham and in the second half against Chester should have earned the manager half a dozen games more. Or perhaps he should have been replaced over the summer, giving a new boss the chance to build his own team. Either decision would have been vastly better than today's. The three months of delay (so far) over appointing a new manager will mean an extra year is needed for the building of his squad – and the fans are fed up of waiting, regardless of the name on the office door.

All the signs, then, are that Buckley's successor, like Rodger before him, may be doomed before he starts. And this is regardless of whether Town's 11th manager since the turn of the century is a decent appointment or not. Because if you're a messageboard crusader feeling satisfied with yourself after spending most of your recent waking life calling the manager responsible for more than a decade of overachievement by your club a cunt, then just take a moment out from your search for a Kleenex to think about what happens next. After the failure to retain Russell Slade and then the Rodger debacle – not to mention, of course, the catastrophic appointment of Nicky Law beforehand – John Fenty's track record does very little to suggest that he won't make another shit decision about Buckley's replacement. Perhaps Bournemouth and Luton fans shouldn't give up hope after all. Fenty has today submitted to those who choose to support their football club by ejaculating streams of exclamation marks across computer screens – and both he and they will have to take their share of responsibility if the worst should happen.

By contrast, the left of the Pontoon set a sorely needed example on Saturday of what it really means to support a football club, and today's Diary ends by paying tribute to their fantastic dedication and vocal backing. If even half of all Town fans shared their attitude then the club would be in much less than half of its current mess.

Friday 12 September
"I have asked a club about a player but I haven't even got to speak to their manager. He's seen fit not to return a call. Maybe he's busy, I don't know." When you leave a message for someone and they don't get back to you, what do you do, dear reader? Give them another bell to check they got the message in the first place, or just wonder while you wash the pots, your hands wet, covered in bubbles, if now will be the moment the phone will ring? Tell you what, Alan, if you've problems talking to people (make of that what you will after the recent interview with Dale on Mariners World), it's been a while since we tried such a thing, but just tell us who you're after and leave it with us.

That isn't why your Idle Diarist took time out from his day off from work to come on to the worldwide web though. A text message about some protest outside the ground tomorrow roused my curiosity. I've yet to seen anything about this gathering, probably meaning it's a couple of 'disillusioned season ticket holders' rather than a massed throng which won't be satisfied until Sir Alan is lynched. Any chorus of disapproval will have Chairman John peering down at the proles from the safe retreat of his boardroom, and he'll respond in his usual manner: a statement on the OS.

As for tomorrow's game, let Chester's Mr Know It All, Simon Davies, do the previewing: "I think Grimsby is going to be a really tough game. I really like the lad Danny Orr upfront, he hit the bar from about 35 yards out at the weekend, he's someone who caused us trouble last season. They do possess threats around their team so hopefully we can address that and have a look at their weaknesses." I hope this isn't some sort of cheap psychological trick by Davies, but with Chester anything's possible. Expect Town to stick out pretty much the same team as last weekend. Buckley liked what he saw of North in the midweek reserves game, but thinks that Richard Hope and Robbie Stockdale need some more stiffs action before they return to the first XI.

On which note I will leave you with this highly entertaining missive from Jim Waterson in all its glory:

Oh bloody hell, I've had enough of trying to understand you Lincolnshire types. It's not that I haven't tried: too long spent in the friendship of a Mariners fan and several misspent hours scrolling through the Cod Almighty archives along with the odd Wikipedia trawl surely counts as 'fair research'.

And, y'know, it's sweet to read your gently mocking take on the non-events at a lower league club. It must be nice to take the piss out of this here new stadium while facing the very real and terrifying threat of bucking the football trends and 'still being able to plod along quite happily at the old ground for another decade or so'. Our dodgy former directors could beat yours at mismanagement, comedy and immorality any day.

But...as a York City fan I'm frankly terrified by the mentions that "Straight" Peter Bore gets in your diary. What's going on? Is our new loan signing capable of dangerous and overwhelming heterosexuality? Should we take measures to negate the risk of him grabbing young maidens from the stands? Surely we don't need to resort to playing Beenie Man over the PA?

I need an answer. Preferably before something bad happens at Kettering on Saturday.

Regards,

Jim

P.S. He's pretty damn good, y'know

Thursday 11 September
Town's fast-improving reserve team last night built on their narrow 7-1 defeat at Bradford the other week to claim a point at home to Rotherham. Goals from Andy Taylor and Chris Llewellyn clawed back a result after the Millers had raced into an early advantage, all four goals coming before half time. Significantly for the first team's chances of maybe winning a game sometime or basically being any good ever, no-longer-crocked defenders Robbie Stockdale and Richard Hope played the full 90 minutes, and Lord Alan Buckley cast his eye over a 26-year-old trialist who has started fewer than 50 matches at senior level and began the current season with Halesowen Town. "Town used the game to take a look at former Aston Villa, Bournemouth and Walsall midfielder Steven Cooke," explains the club's superb new official website. His name is Stephen, not Steven, and he's never been a Walsall player, but otherwise not a bad effort.

Before I leave you in the hands of an unidentified flying guest diarist for tomorrow, here's an email from long-suffering Pilgrim Pete Brooksbank showing that the Diary isn't the only one to have been closely following the fortunes of a certain loaned-out Mariner with little time for same-sex intercourse. "Not content with single-handedly annihilating Boston United two years ago, Straight Peter Bore is now costing me free beer by making unexpected appearances on the Setanta-branded big screens of Nottingham's finest drinking establishments during pub quizzes. I'll spare you the intricate details – suffice to say that the incident involved me barking 'Look! It's Peter fucking bastard Bore!' as I caught sight of the terrible teen prancing about during some live pub league football, the impassioned wail of this wronged Pilgrims fan drowning out a critical question regarding MC Hammer's real name. The outburst caused general panic and confusion within the team and resulted in us submitting the answer 'basketball'. We lost out on the main prize by a solitary point. Thanks, Straight Peter Bore." Robbed of first place at the last gasp by an unpleasant and untoward turn of events beyond your control, eh, Pete? I guess now you know how Dagenham felt in 2002!

And just when I was beginning to think the Diary's readership consists entirely of Boston and Lincoln supporters, seeking consolation for their own woes by following the Mariners' mishaps, here's an email from a living, breathing Grimsby Town fan. Sibbo writes in response to Monday's Diary, which argued that Town's real local rivals are not Lincoln, Boston, Scunthorpe or King$ton Communication$ FC but Liverpool, since it is Liverpool who the plastic 'fans' of Grimsby and Cleethorpes cravenly opt to align themselves with instead of supporting their own club. "Spot on with your view about how the Premiership is ruining the smaller clubs," he says. "I love my football but I don't watch much on TV and I didn't attempt watching England's two recent qualifying games as I don't subscribe to the necessary channel. Instead I'll pop down to good old BP on Saturday while we've still got a team to watch." Glad to hear it, mate – I shall see you in the Rutland.

Wednesday 10 September
It's a good job there's something to tell you today about Grimsby Town Football Club's reserve side, youth team and heterosexual loaned-out wingers, because this week is proving so uneventful for the first XI that Danny Boshell has been assigned to deliver the latest edition of that "no, really, we're going to stop being rubbish soon, honest" press interview which supporters have grown so understandably weary of as the club has fallen apart over the past five years.

As the large hadron collider was turned on this morning and the entire Universe wasn't smashed to bits, Lord Alan Buckley breathed a sigh of disappointment and turned his attention back to more prosaic ways in which his team might escape relegation from the Football League this season. One of these is the return to fitness of key defensive duo Robbie Stockdale and Richard Hope, who will feature in some capacity for Town reserves at home to Rotherham tonight, alongside Chris Llewellyn, Andy Taylor and Javan Vidal. The presence of players of this calibre has moved the club's superb new official website to promise that Stuart Watkiss will send out "a strong side", while sensibly refraining from the suggestion that Alan Buckley might like to try the same thing sometime.

Next month's reserve side, also known as the youth team, have already seen some action this week. A short piece on the SNOS tells us that the young 'uns won 2-1 at Chesterfield last night in the first round of the Midlands Floodlit Youth Cup. There's a photo of a footballer on the page, who we are left to assume is either Nathan Dixon or Danny Freeman because they scored the goals and he sure ain't Neil Woods. "We will now play Hereford or Walsall in the second round at Blundell Park – it would be nice to renew old acquaintances with Walsall," youth boss Woods told the SNOS, which couldn't be bothered to contextualise his words in standard journalistic style by pointing out that the Myspace Mariners beat Walsall in the final of the competition two years ago and were knocked out by them at the semi-final stage in 2007 or something.

Last up, the Diary continues to follow the fortunes of Straight Peter Bore during his loan at York City. Today the sexually conventional wideman can be found discussing his favourite position with The Press, a York newspaper with an unassuming name. Unfortunately the reporter Dave Flett has badly misinterpreted SPB's key statement that "My preferred position is striker. That's where I'd always played until a couple of years ago when I was taken out and put on the right wing." Mr Flett mistakenly concludes from this that "the speedy Mariner first made his name as a striker at Blundell Park, bagging a brace at the age of 18 on his debut in a 3-2 victory over Boston" and "netted eight times in 21 League Two starts during that 2006–07 season, but has since been converted into a winger by Grimsby boss Alan Buckley". Oh, Dave! The lad played up front for the youth team and the reserves, but he played on the right wing as soon as Graham Rodger brought him into the first team in August 2006. Next time you catch up with him, just discuss orientation rather than position – he's much less ambiguous about that.

Tuesday 9 September
There is no more interesting GTFC-related story today than the news that Blundell Park will be open to the public this weekend as part of something called Lincolnshire Heritage Day. The Diary's curiosity and cynicism are mildly aroused, I freely admit, by the fact that a Google search for "Lincolnshire Heritage Day" throws up only six results, and the only one of them that doesn't derive directly from yesterday's announcement of the event on Town's superb new official website dates back to 2001. Regardless of this intrigue, though, Sunday promises to be genuinely absorbing for fans who like that sort of stuff, with "a guided ground tour in which you will have the opportunity to look around the stands, in the dressing rooms and even a look around the boardroom" and "plenty of memorabilia on show in McMenemy's", so it's just a shame that Town's bungling communications staff couldn't give us all more than five days' notice of the event, because then I could have planned to go, and now I can't. Admission is free, but visitors presumably must don a hand-tailored three-piece suit and gold cufflinks before being permitted to set foot in McMenemy's.

"We will have news of when tickets go on sale soon," begins an item on the SNOS about the Mariners' forthcoming tie against Scunthorpe United in the Dulux Cup, the draw of which is so heavily regionalised, in order to 'stimulate interest' in the competition, that a derby against the Irons was all but guaranteed. The date for the game has been determined: it'll kick off at 7:30 on Tuesday 7 October. The Diary won't be going because I can't be doing with police telling me where I can and can't drink, walk or stand still for five seconds at a time. It's only a tenner though, or eight quid if you want to rest your body weight on your feet instead of your arse, as one is apparently allowed to do in these lower-division arenas. "We will have news of when tickets go on sale soon," repeats the piece at the end, poetically.

Time is yet to tell whether the name of Straight Peter Bore will be chanted with reverence and awe by thousands of adoring fans or merely be recalled from time to time in pub conversations about footballers who "could have had it all", like Robin Friday and Graham Hockless. Town's dangerously heterosexual young winger, you will recall, is out on loan at York City, where he enjoyed a stirring debut as a substitute in last week's 1-1 draw with Mansfield, watched by a Setanta TV audience which included the Diary. Impressed by SPB's impact, and eager to know whether he was rewarded with another run-out at the weekend, I discovered a report in York's unpretentiously named local paper The Press which reveals that our lad not only made the starting line-up in the Minstermen's 2-0 victory over Woking on Saturday but claimed the assist for their first goal. Manager Colin Walker, however, has described his team's winning performance as "the worst we have played all season" and added: "[Straight] Peter Bore found it difficult sometimes but he's finding what it's all about at this level and that will be good experience for him." Let's hope so.

Monday 8 September
The Diary was there at Mansfield, nearly six months ago, the last time Town won a match in the league. I wasn't planning on going, but it got round to lunchtime and there wasn't much else doing, and Mrs Diary suggested she drive the two of us down there to see if the Mariners could press on with that tremendous run of form which had taken us to the brink of the play-offs. It was bloody freezing for late March, but Alan Buckley's side warmed the cockles with a battling, committed display and a star showing from opening goalscorer Peter Till. The struggling hosts equalised early in the second half but the Bosh claimed a deserved away win with a smashing 20-yarder, lifting Town to within five points of the play-off places with 21 left to play for. Mrs Diary and I went home shivering but chuffed, and probably phoned up for a curry or something before too much longer.

Two days later, on Easter Monday, with the Dulux Cup final approaching, Town threw away a half-time lead against Brentford, who were pleasantly surprised to find themselves leaving Blundell Park with three points. "Wembley'll be out of the way soon and they can start tackling again," was the hopeful verdict of the 'Take the positive' section in Cod Almighty's post-match factfile. Since Mansfield, however, Town have played 12 games in the league, winning none, drawing two and losing ten, scoring four goals and conceding a metric fuckton. Still, at least Gillingham wasn't a fair reflection; and it won't seem to matter quite so much anyway when they turn on the large hadron collider later this week and the entire Universe implodes into a single superdense particle. No, this time we're not talking about Tom Newey.

Should the unthinkable happen and life as we know it continue beyond Wednesday teatime, the Mariners face a short trip to Scunthorpe United in the second round of this season's Dulux Cup early in October. Many fans of both clubs will doubtless be working themselves up into a frenzy of hate already. In the Diary's view, however, these sentiments are misplaced. Scunthorpe are a small, hopeless club in a shit part of the country where everyone is cynical and nobody much cares whether the local football team lives or dies – exactly like Grimsby. We're on the same side. Daft local rivalries among small clubs distract our attention from the real enemy. Because if we're gonna hate anyone, we ought to hate the bastards with the money who formed the Premier League to squeeze the life out of the deepest football culture in the world (and destroy the England team, incidentally), and send clubs like ours to bankruptcy. Our real local rivals are Liverpool, because it's their shirts and their televised matches that the football consumers of Grimsby and Cleethorpes spend their money on – instead of being football fans and supporting their own club.

Friday 5 September
Welcome to Friday's Diary – penned, in an ironic twist, by your original and regular Diary. 'In an ironic twist' is one of those clichés that proper football journalists are very keen on, but I suppose it's better than making like a messageboard nesbit and penning something with your knickers in a twist. I am writing this in a friend's flat in south-east London while Guest Diary is detained by a person from Porlock.

Town's subscription web service Mariners World seems to be in danger of losing what few subscribers it has, what with the recurrence of 'commentary problems' compounding the current lack of Alan Buckley interviews. Whatever your position on the GTFC manager, he is undeniably good value when responding to a banal question from Dale by biting the poor bugger's head off – and his absence from MW has left Town fans including the Cod Almighty team with something less of an idea as to the teams he will field in forthcoming matches (not to mention the formation – gah). Fortunately today, the Grimsby Telegraph offers a platform for AB to intimate that Robbie Stockdale is still out (I thought he was back in training more than a week ago?) but Richard Hope will contend for a place on the subs' bench at Gillingham tomorrow. "As for Javan [Vidal], I have no immediate thought about playing him, although he did look lively when he came on, as you would expect from a Manchester City player," adds Buckley, who clearly never watched Steve McManaman winding down his career with the Sky Blues in 2004–05.

The Diary always quite rated Gary Cohen as a decent fourth division player at least, so it's nice to see, in the Telegraph again, that he's back on his feet and doing his stuff. After two injury-ravaged years out of football since his release by the Mariners, er, two years ago, Cohen is making a comeback with St Albans City of the Conference South (lovely ground, Clarence Park), where he has already impressed manager Steve Castle with his lightning-quick pace. If his career resumes along the same lines as it proceeded at GTFC, 'Sorted Me Out' Gaz can expect shortly to be singled out for violent treatment by opposition players for the entire game and receive a string of yellow cards from referees for the heinous crime of being held back by the arm and repeatedly dumped on his arse.

The Crawley Observer is not the first place the Diary turns to for GTFC snippets, but since I'm down south today and since there's bugger all else to talk about, what the hell. It's not that interesting really, despite the Observer's best efforts. "Crawley Town boss Steve Evans has told two League Two clubs to keep their hands off his players," reports the paper dramatically. "The clubs made approaches for Reds players Jon-Paul Pittman and Adam Quinn but were told in no uncertain terms they are not for sale." Wooooh! Basically, Evans says Town (as well as Morecambe and Macclesfield) "tried to sign Quinn last season but couldn't agree a fee." Of perhaps greater concern is the startling colour of Evans' face in the mugshot that accompanies the piece, which gives the impression of nothing more than racist TV funnyman Jim Davidson having fallen asleep on a sunbed. If the fun-loving former Boston boss never wins a European Cup, at least he can rival Sir Alex Ferguson in the beetroot cheeks stakes.

Thursday 4 September
The British Broadcasting Corporation reckons Town had a mere six pots at Chesterfield's goal last night, compared to the home team's 23. With such stats you'd be expecting this Idle Diary to inform you Town were thoroughly beaten by those burly bootboys from Derbyshire. But, no no, dear reader! Alan Buckley's side showed it's not what you do it's the way that you do, and that's what gets you results, displaying greater efficiency than their opponents and some timely goalline clearances as the teams drew 2-2 in regulatory time of their Paint Pot tie. And while cynics may feel Town didn't win the shoot-out, more Chesterfield threw it away, the Mariners manager is pleased for a second consecutive game, and we're in the second draw on Saturday! Praise be to Nathan Jarman, close to becoming this publication's new darling, who smartly equalised the inevitable Jack Lester goal, and Fat Man Dan heading home to set up the shoot out. And to top it all, Lee Richardson has had another great big whinge, an ability which would see him fit effortlessly and seamlessly into the current Town messageboards posting of "why our team winning isn't good enough for me".

Wednesday 3 September
Yesterday wasn't that long ago, and it was only yesterday your Idle Diarist hoped finishing off with Alan Buckley's explanation for Martin Butler's absence on Saturday would see a line drawn under the recent rumours that the player would be leaving Town. A couple of hours later, John Fenty is revealing last week Butler submitted another transfer request.

There's an elongated version in today's paper, where Fenty understates the affair somewhat – "it hasn't worked out as well as we would have liked" – before pointedly narrowing down any resolution (or "not cutting our losses" or "find a way forward"): "Martin is obligated to turn up for at least two training sessions per week, subject to the manager's request, and he is finding this difficult to do... If Martin isn't prepared to stop over in between training sessions then it makes the situation almost impossible to resolve." The writing seems to be on the wall in big fat permanent marker, but, frankly, everyone involved in Butlergate is looking like a prized dickhead. In what seems an attempt to turn the knives on the player, Fenty publicly mulls over paying up Butler's contract. Whatever, eh, John; someone at the club had to agree to Butler commuting from Worcester.

Incidentally, if you pay close attention to the end of the Telegraph piece you'll see that Fenty sanctioned a move for Southend striker Matt Harrold, but the ex-Town loanee opted to join Peter Taylor's Wycombe revolution. "If anyone thinks we haven't been trying hard to get people in then they would be way off the mark," Fenty pleaded. Still, the ever-improving Nathan Jarman, who waited most of last season before taking his chance, can get a regular go in the team, so that's cool by me.

Talking of goes in the team, there was hope for a mini-factfile for tonight's game, but I got emailing some mates this morning about Peter Bore and his move for regular first team football at York City (apparently he played quite decently last night) and the next thing you know, it's nearly lunchtime. So, sorry for that: you'll go in to tonight's first round Paint Pot tie at Chesterfield tonight woefully underprepared, but – hey! – isn't Martin Butler as well, Ithankyou. Not much teams news really. The side which satisfied Alan Buckley drawing with an improbably rubbish Lincoln site on Saturday is likely to continue. Jack Lester could make his first appearance against Town as an employee of Chesterfield as the Spirerites look to avoid a third consecutive defeat.

Let's take a break from football. Now my injured leg is all reet I've been biking into work this week. 7.4 miles in, the same distance back, and a steep hill to pedal up finishing me off whichever way I go. An unexpected bonus is I've lost five pounds of weight in two days. No, that's not a hint Danny North (although, it wouldn't hurt, lad), but the bike next to my desk reminds me of the Bike to the Bank at the weekend. If we heard the excellent chap with the mic at half time on Saturday correctly, the boys and girls who biked from Blundell Park to Sincil Bank raised seven-and-a-half grand for local charities. Excellent work, all of you. But do tell me: with such a distance involved did you train just twice a week?

Tuesday 2 September
Alan Buckley revealed to the local rag yesterday the only area of his team he wasn't looking to strengthen was in goal. At the end of transfer deadline day, Javan Vidal finally arrived from club-of the-moment Manchester City (a merry-go-round ultimately costing Idle Diary 75p in official club text messages, although no-one really seems bothered), Buckley noting the player is "a defender first and foremost but very adaptable and strongly recommended by people at City." Peter Bore left for an initial month's loan with York City, the Town manager putting right suggestions Bore could be off full-time and drawing comparisons with Nick Hegarty's loan at the same club last season: "[Hegarty] came back a different player after his time at York and we are hoping the same can happen to Peter. We'll be keeping a watchful eye on his progress but hopefully he can go and prove his undoubted potential." Neil Woods has finally got international clearance for American Dallas Moore to play in the Town youth set-up. And, finally, Buckley tells us that Martin Butler arrived too late at Sincil Bank to be named in the side. Roy Keane wouldn't have bloody stood for that.

Monday 1 September
As the worldwide economy continues to slow down, Blundell Park was the scene of a mini credit crisis of its own on Friday after the breakdown of Javan Vidal's loan transfer to North East Lincs. For proceeding on the basis that Town's attempts to sign a right-back necessarily implied that Alan Buckley was not trying to sign a striker as well, the nesbits who spent the afternoon dribbling BOOOO BUKCLY MUPPIT TWON NEED STRYKAS OMG all over most of the worldwide web emerge with no credit. After training with the Mariners and then refusing to sign because his agent got wind of the move and sorted him out a loan to Stockport instead, Vidal himself emerges with no credit. For charging subscribers to their official text message service 25p to receive the news that Vidal had signed, when he had in fact done no such thing, Grimsby Town Football Club's shambolic communications department once again emerges with absolutely no credit at all. And if the unthinkable happens and the player chooses GTFC ahead of his local Hatters when he reveals his final decision today, the Diary's wafer-thin credibility will now follow most of the above into the debit column as well.

"It's official, Lord Buckley has gone stir crazy," wrote Paddy Grant in an email to the Diary on Friday morning, just before the Vidal thing unravelled. "I read with excitement that we'd signed a youngster from Man City, my heart sank when I read he plays right-back!!! There must be some secret plan here to crowd the pitch with defenders and pray that at some point the opposition keeper makes a mistake." Well, he's not coming now, so you can relax, because everything must be alright. Apart from the bit about we still don't have any strikers. Or any defenders, because most of them are either injured or Tom Newey. Still, at least we didn't sign a defender. Phew!

So did you get to Lincoln to see Newey revert to type? Were you impressed by the Mariners' temporary return to fluent passing football, or have you seen enough of these false dawns recently to have left confirmed in your gloom after the team's failure to put away an Imps side that was shockingly poor even by its own recent standards? I feel bad for writing this after Ian Plenderleith was so nice about us the other day, but what can you do. WE SCORED A GOAL! The feverish atmosphere back on the estuary after Town's breaking of their duck has not, so far, spread to the Grimsby Telegraph, however, which seems to have made a 4-1 defeat the default setting for Town this season and forgotten to change its template when reporting Saturday's outcome. But mentally, perhaps, we'd all of us done just the same thing already.

No messageboard rumour is too flimsy and ill-grounded for GTFC officials to dignify it with a response on the club's superb new official website, of course, and that's exactly what they've done in response to whisperings about Martin Butler's absence from the 16 on duty at Lincoln on Saturday: "but the player was at Sincil Bank and is training with the club today". So why wasn't he in the team? And what activity is there at BP as this infernal transfer deadline approaches? As no-shock no-horror headlines go, you'd be hard pressed to beat Teamtalk's Buckley Rules Out Panic Purchases, but please do contact the Diary immediately should you become aware of Buckley ruling in any panic purchases.

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