Cod Almighty - Diary - February 2009

daily independent coverage of Grimsby Town FC

Diary - February 2009

Friday 27 February
Despite the fact that 'everything's going against us at the moment' according to manager Newell it is time to start dusting down those well-used and freshly laundered positive thoughts ahead of the nigh-on-impossible task of trying to win at Rochdale on the morrow. Your Guest Diarist accepts that Town played some half-decent stuff in the first hour or so the other night, and even weathered a fairly harsh sending off, but it is the defensive lapses in that last half hour that seem to get us every time. I have never known a Town side so adept at creating a lead or one so adept at losing one. 2-0 up is 1.2 light years from being home free this campaign folks. I know – I've measured it.

M. Akpa Akpro has continued to train – whether he will start, sub, or watch is not known. Lulu Llewellyn is suspended of course, and Hegggaarty has told the Telegraph that his cap is in the ring to replace him. Newell mentioned Heywood's knee being better to Mariners World. This gave me a conscience as, unaware of the big man's knee condition, I had neglected to pray for it in my long nightly imploring rants to that imaginary friend in the sky. I wish that bloke would buy a channel on the proper evilSky then I could send him a text or an email and hope for a reply.

Seasoned Cod Almighty contributor Pat Bell was to be heard on the Danny Baker phone-in the other night putting an elegantly reasoned case why our beloved Town should be one of the few clubs worth saving in to the Baker ark or summat. I was too enveloped in the black dog of home defeat to listen I'm afraid but applaud the idea. What would a league be without the likes of Grimsby? When I say this I am of course only echoing what Mr McMenemy said all those years ago when he wrote a prologue to Charles Ekberg's book on Town.

The truth will remain the truth. And the truth is Town need to find a way to win again: spawny slices of good fortune we need: a team that battles to the very end and minimises its defensive frailities: oh and a team with proper full backs and a new goal keeper. Stockdale and a fit Widdowson might pass muster to achieve the former but Barnes and Newey have to be dropped. If the oh-so-close-but-not-quite-there loan signing of that young Supple from Ipswich doesn't happen then, despite unconvincing reserve team outings recently, I would give Monty a go. The few times he has played for the first team he has been blameless and Barnes head is not in the right place to play professional football for Grimsby is it?

So we enter again the fateful world of the last paragraph. The place where I exhort you to turn up to cheer the lads on tomorrow. Of course there is the issue of whether a match has ever been played in February on Spotland before. And then there is the fact that Rochdale are winning nearly every game. Only the top team Brentford have beaten them lately. Can we wipe the smile off Toner's face? Can we shackle Le Fondre and our old mate Lee Thorpe? Of course we can, but whether we get the luck, whether we dig in and keep them out, whether we unleash the legend-to-be that is our French Ivorian striker....well we will have to wait and see. See yer.

Thursday 26 February
Have we opened the curtains yet?

It's nearly midday and you have to go to work. C'mon, shape up; it's no time to wallow in the mire. You can't have your tea if you don't get up right now! What are we? Are we apple crumbles or sticky toffee puddings? Stand up and shout it from the rooftops: "I support Grimsby Town". Be defiant, be proud. We can hang monkeys and drown ducks in the summer if we need to.

I am Deviant Diary and I support Grimsby Town. Support – look it up in the dictionary.

After Tuesday's events action has been taken. Out-of-contract and out-of-luck keeper Mr Barnes looks likely to be replaced by Scunthorpe's next signing, the brilliantly named Shane Supple, a young Ipswicher. Well, Scunny do seem to poach our successful loanees, don't they.

Elsewhere in the division of despair, the wrong club has plunged into administration. Serial failures Darlington entered administration yet again yesterday. Is a measly 10-point deduction (the equivalent of four games unbeaten) sufficient 'punishment' for employing players for far, far too much money and not paying their debts? Not when they've done it before. Turf 'em out now, I say. We're through the looking glass here, people, for financial failure means zippedy doo-dah in football. Football finance is a funny thing, isn't it. How do those teams with no fans pay their players? Where do they get their money from? Are their boards above board? Shall we wait and see?

I'm claiming responsibility for the Quackers' latest insolvency – without my £7.50 for car park and matchday programme they couldn't afford to pay their left-back. Remember that if you go to the Chester.

While we're on about debt, a fine is probably coming the way of Mr Re-Newell after cogently reflecting upon patronising idiots. Idiots, yes, idiots. Did he call them idiots? Town aren't going to appeal against Lulu's sending-off though. What is the point? We'll only be patronised and last time we tried that Fenton got an increased ban. So appealing would be idiotic.

All of which may have a positive side – engendering a fortress mentality. Ah, but this is Grimsby, we'll all just moan at ourselves and sullenly sulk. Are Town and the town's spirit broken?

Start the fightback now. Go on. Stand up and be defiant. One, two, three, wahey.

Wednesday 25 February
Mardy Diary writes: I really don't feel like writing the Diary today. I was really angry for a while last night, but 'Fraser Digby's Washbag' to the tune of 'Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds' put a smile back on my face. I'm not sure how this Diary is going to go right now: it may explode in rage or die in despair. Just bear with me while I go through this very public catharsis.

So what do we know? I really haven't looked at any news items, and I don't intend to. Sorry. I can't bear it. I'll end up visiting a messageboard and then I'll have no choice other than to either kill someone or kill myself. I did hear Newell on Radio Humbs after the match. He said the word 'idiots' a lot. It was quite funny in a need-to-laugh-or-else-you'll-cry sort of way. Does anyone know what to do or say? What about you Tom Newey? What do you have to say? You don't want to go on loan to Lincoln because you won't do yourself justice, but you're happy to continue to not do yourself justice for Grimsby? Eh? What have you got to say for yourself? If you can use the medium of email without mashing the keyboard with your mong-like head, why don't you drop us a line and explain, exactly, what is the point of you? What is your purpose? The reason for your existence – what is it? Why, Tom, why? Be succinct, but know that if we're not happy with your response you will be put down, like a mangy dog.

What else do we know? Peter Bore. Mr Masculine. He's so fucking heterosexual. He wouldn't come on the pitch and say, flounce about like a big FUCKING FAIRY. Have you started running yet, Bore? That's all you had to do. All you needed to do was run about like a fucking idiot for 30 minutes, constantly chasing the ball, getting at their defenders. That's all you needed to do. What did you do? You stood around like a fucking idiot. For God's sake, child – you've got ability, we can see that. You've just been given another long contract. Do you realise how fucking lucky you are? Do you realise how many young lads from Grimsby end up in shit jobs with shit pay? For fuck's sake, where are you going? What do you think is going to happen, automatically, with little effort from yourself? Put your fucking back into it, child. You frustrate me.

Anything else? Barnes. Can you come off your line, just once? Just move. Communicate with your defenders. You looked like a wet-pantied little flower last night. Where is your spine, man? I have stood up for you long enough – the confidence thing doesn't wash with me any more. We are ALL low on confidence right now. If you don't have the balls for the fight, if you don't want to be here any more, at least put your hands up and say so. I am tired, dog tired, of watching you run about like a lost child as the ball floats over your head again and again. We may as well have a piece of lard in goal – it would probably block as many shots.

I could go on. I'm not really one for publicly slating players, or even having a go at them during the match – but every person has a line that can be crossed. Mine has been crossed. I'm fed up with this. I will still go until the day the club dies – I will be there, because I have no interest in football in general. I'm not interested in staying at home and watching some rich club on the telly. It interests me as much as rugby. I'm only interested in watching and supporting Town. And I know for every good year we tend to have about ten shit years – but really, Town, this is testing even my patience. And I am very patient. Very, very patient. Let us at least see some fight. There are signs of it. Ryan Bennett – age is nothing – you're a man amongst children. In the dying moments of the match last night I swear that lad was trying to play in every position on the pitch at once. He wants it. Jarman, good lad. Good shot. Unlucky. Kept going and going and going. But they cannot do it alone. Not these young lads – despite the fact they are both excellent footballers. They have skill, commitment, bravery, desire. These young lads. Why is it lacking everywhere else? And not just this season. Last season. And the season before... and a long way back. Players have off-days, but not off-seasons, or multiple off-seasons for Christ's sake Newey.

I applaud the patience of the Town fans who turned up last night. They stayed behind the team for as long as they could. We're down to our hardcore all-weather support now. And I don't expect the numbers will increase any time soon. We are sailing close to the wind, my friends.

And I'm going to end on the subject of fans. Scunthorpe fans to be precise. I don't want to get into this 'my club is bigger than your club' bullshit rivalry. I have no interest in this. Every team that plays Town is a rival team to me. But really, Scunthorpe fans, come on! I know radio phone-ins only give a sample of support for a club, and like messageboards it's usually the most moany fans that you hear, but. Come. On. That was pathetic last night. Really pathetic. Oh, suddenly you're all Wolves-like in your disdain for such an insignificant cup as the JPT? You're a good team, doing well, with a decent manager, some good players playing attractive football. With bugger all money, and little support. You're a fucking inspiration to all other clubs of our size and stature – punching above your weight, playing the game properly. But now that's not good enough? You're in and around the play-offs to get you back to the Championship and you want to sack your manager? Where is that going to get you exactly? I'll tell you: exactly back from where you came. Do you not realise? To have a 'life-long Scunthorpe fan' phone up and complain at a lack of ambition and that the manager is no good? Eh? How long have you been alive – three fucking years? Even a five-year-old will remember when you were shit. What is wrong with you people? Really. I fucking despair of you more than I despair of Tom Newey, and that is a fucking lot of despair, I can tell you. Just have a bit of a think will you, before it's too late.

Hmmm. I still don't feel any better.

Tuesday 24 February
Here we are agin, gentle reader, confronted by a tricky-looking home match against those giants of our division, Morecambe. What, I hear you cry, does not every match this season look tricky? Does not every team above and below us seem to have more about them than us? Is it true to say we are the worst team in the league? But we have the best manager – if points were awarded for manager kudos, then we would be in the automatic promotion spots. So let's feel smug about Mr Newell for a second.

On the other hand was the coincident arrival on the pitch of Tom Newey and Lulu Llewellyn a wise way to see out the last 15 minutes of the game at Darlo as we fought for a point? Perhaps now is the time to realise even Newell can't moonwalk properly – you are hypnotised by his honest aura and forget to watch his feet sometimes.

Newell has told the World (Mariners not the Screws) that his first team are a bit knackered and the side needs 'freshening up'. Young Widdowson must have been frolicking against a groyne again because his tender parts preclude his being picked tonight, so reserve full back and considerable liability Mr Newey gets his first start, I expect, since November when we were crap. Wheels having turned full circle if we lose tonight we are definitely mighty crap again – having gone a month without winning. Since that little new year spurt Town have have withered again and will be in trouble if we don't win one or two home games at least. Not too much trouble in my opinion because I am still predicting Chester will collapse. But then I predicted the property crash – just two years earlier than it actually arrived. I can see the future, but my distances are foreshortened.

Jean-Louis, our resident brilliant future prospect since the sad demise in to almost-made-it of Danny North, trained yesterday. Unfortunately no-one is confident he won't break down injured again if he is asked to sprint in earnest. So although he may be on the bench tonight he is too good a prospect to actually play. Remember what Newell said: if we have the best in the squad all playing we can take on anyone. He won't risk it will he?

Sinclair, Newell said, will be better for the game he anonomised in on Saturday where he was twice mistaken for a shrouded Campbell I'm told. Bloody hope so. Dare Newell rest JPK, dare he play our proper right back? Dare he tell Elliott to his face that bottom division football involves other things than looking experienced and winning headers out on the flank (e.g. doing some flipping running about!)? From his time at Town I believe that Elliott's imaginary friend in the sky may be whispering to him that sights need lowering in terms of who he plays for next. Sadly, the more games he plays, the less fit and mobile he looks.

The opponents meanwhile have laughed at adversity. Transfer embargo – pah! Loads of injuries – biff! Illness – triple lemsip made with red bull and play! Twelve points from the last six matches even with that lot to contend with shows remarkable team spirit. And now they have finally got their hands on that young Conference livewire Mickey Duffy. I think the Shrimpers play 5-3-2 which means it is a great shame we can't risk Akpa Akpro who might have had a chance to use his pace down the channels.

Tonight's crowd will be the lowest of the season – bad results, everyone skint, big match on the telly, hardly any away fans add up to about twenty five hundred lost souls I reckon. Apart from that everything is dandy. At least we have a decent pitch to play on. So get the ball down Town and play them off the park. See yer.

Monday 23 February
Before you read this, because Ryan Bennett is nominated for the PFA's fourth division player of the month, just head here and vote for him. Thank you.

With the aftermath of Saturday's rubbish game at Darlington covered elsewhere on this fanzine, let's step a little further back in time and peek into the fans' forum that was held at Blundell Park on Friday night. Notable points, according to reputable internet based sources are:

no-one will be forced out of the club and will be given their chance to show the ReNewell master they are up for it., including the very injured Paul Bolland. (For the record, MN wasn't sure Till's "attitude at the time was exactly what I was looking for" regarding his loan move.)

Mikael Buscher was a gamble: "Mickael has clearly got ability but he's not showing it at the moment. At the time we were looking to bring players in and we took a chance. There was no fee involved so we haven't lost out there."

Jean Louis Akpa Akpro's attitude is "spot on", and fifteen minutes into the reserves game [against Bradford] when Mikey N first saw JLAA in match action "even told an interested Stuart McCall [that] we'd already tied him up so he wouldn't make a move." The Town manager also believes Akpa Akpro is "hungry and will get better for games and is a pleasure to work with."

And as a minor footnote "Mr Fenty reiterated that an agreement to defer the outstanding £105,000 owed to the Inland Revenue had been agreed after the club were initially threatened with a seven-day winding-up order – thanks to the support of local councillors and MPs."

"[Positive John] also said that he was still determined to press ahead with a new stadium at Great Coates and said he had faith in Newell's ability to bring the good times back to Blundell Park."

...which probably means the move isn't happening that soon.

Enough? Yeah? Then we are done. Otherwise, you may still want more on Town losing late on to a promotion chasing side, so listen to Rob Atkinson: "I'm not blaming it on a fluke because there were a number of chances for us to cut it out, but it's a rubbish goal to concede so late on." And who seemed man most likely to have cut out that goal? You know how to let us know. And do, let us know. We will name and shame the culprit.

Friday 20 February
Your Guest Diarist has to admit being a Radio 2 listener to be able to tell you this. And at a time when the most evil broadcaster of the past twenty years was on air. A man on whom I have sworn that a terrible vengeance will be mine. But, getting to the point, the 2pm news bulletin yesterday must have been a bit thin for material because the Grimsby v Lincoln derby fiasco made the airwaves on the national radio news announcing that the Council had been forced to over rule a police request to play the match behind closed doors.

Now I have been going to derby games for the best part of forty years and have formed the unshakeable opinion that the more fuss made beforehand, the more visible and draconian the pre-match and post match policing, the more fired up things get. Two years ago in Lincoln Mrs GD nearly missed her train home at five o'clock on a Saturday afternoon because the police refused her entry to the station – even when she tried to show a valid ticket for travel in the opposite direction to Grimsby to a hyperventilating, sweating copper in a stab-proof vest. A middle-aged woman with bags of shopping deemed to be a potential trouble-maker. The actual 'trouble-makers' she said were about twenty 14-18 year olds singing Town songs as they were frog-marched to their train by about fifty police, two of whom were filming the whole event. Sorry folks, but I don't subscribe to this 'if-you-haven't-done-anything-wrong-you-have-nothing-to worry-about-all-to-do-with health-and-safety-data-protection bullshit. No smoking, no drinking, no shouting and soon no thinking.

Meanwhile the Town squad have been training to prepare for their away match at Darlo tomorrow. A team whom we never ever beat. I trailed up there last season but knew, even at 2-0 up, we were doomed. Quite why this lot (like Wycombe) still hang around the bottom division just defeats me.

Manager Newell must be a bit of a fan as he says he has watched Darlington four or five times this season. They have a number of players through the spine of their team who are just too good to be playing in the bottom tier I reckon, and a manager who is nearly as good as ours. But if we can win at Wycombe we can win in that horrible big empty stadium. And at least we have most of our players back.

Newell reports that Stockdale has trained all week. He says that Clarke is fit too, as, he claims, is Tom Newey. Mr Newey himself has made no comment I can find about this assertion. Dean Sinclair is expected to train today too but, Newell ruefully admitted, Saturday will come 'too soon' for our hamstrung Frenchman M. Jean Louis Akpa-Akpro. "If we have got every body available we can compete with these top teams" declared Newell safe in the alibi of the injured striker.

Town are a meagre 6/1 to win tomorrow – remember I told you to take the 7/1 when we went to Wycombe but you need to be rabid in all senses to have a go here. 3/1 for the draw is worth thinking about if you are an optimistic soul who believes that Town really always do play well against superior opponents. Regular readers will be starting to detect fact-file substitution in progress here as I tell you that man Laws who sent off Kalala and was generally one-eyed all game, will be in charge. That seals it – doomed to defeat. See yer.

Thursday 19 February
Was a lunchtime kick-off for the Lincoln game that big an issue? Not that your Idle Diarist cares – I just want to watch The Football on Saturdays! – but someone thinks so, a lot given the amount of grief it is causing.

With updates squirreled away in the news pages of the Grimmo Telegraph on Tuesday and just ignored by the official digital mouth organ of John Fenty and GTFC, the alert and kindly Lincolnshire Echo sports desk has been keeping Town fans fully abreast of the latest shenanigans of what is approaching an Ealing comedy. You just know there is inevitability about Town becoming reacquainted with farce; however, Humberside police's suggestion that the game should be played behind closed doors is just about top of the pile. We'd rather the same efforts were funnelled into hauling back those shitty Friday night games to the more 'traditional' time for a weekend match. But that'd disrupt Town's commercial marketing plan for revenue streams or a reciprocal decision between clubs or some such crap.

Sorry for the language there. Got a bit irked. I'll keep it clean from here on in.

Catch last night's big-up of Cleethorpes in last night's Inside Out? (Twenty minutes in, after the excellent Betjeman piece about his documentary of dirty, dirty Leeds.) You didn't? Not only did you miss your diarist's secret crush, Keeley Donovan, talking about the place: you will also not have seen Town's players standing about on the beach! Cor, eh! Grab a gander if you've got ten minutes to spare and witness, among other things, what my front room would look like if I built a bar and plans to do up the seafront. Incidentally, those plans will fit under the many other licks o' paint for the very recently appointed and very determined Marc Cole, who will head up the area's regeneration. It's a move your diarist for the day considers very shrewd by the council, as he taps the side of his nose, as long as it doesn't involve lots and lots of glass fronts a la Bradford.

Talking of regeneration, Richard Hope's latest blog on the Evil Sky website (the last of, erm, two entries) reveals – once you get past the Butler-esque "I cannot be trailing up and down motorways for two hours every day" – that he wasn't part of the ReNewell from day one. The man has appreciative words for the Town supporters, and never seemed to do much wrong when given the chance (recipient as he was of a CA man of the match playing left-back against Shrewsbury). All the best, Richard, although your departure does seem to coincide with the team conceding more goals, despite slapping more in...

Our final lick goes to the news that Appleby's is up for sale. Maybe we should design a T-shirt to raise funds so we can add the esteemed ice cream maker to the fanzine's business portfolio. What say thee, our reading Dragons?

Wednesday 18 February
"You forgot red socks when suggesting Town's home strip for next season. Never mind what happens on the pitch. The red socks are what separate us from the impostors and wannabes of Juventus, Newcastle and Notts County. The true mark of greatness" says Mr Jamesphilipparrott in an email to the diary. Everywhere your Guest Diarist looks today is the non-news that Town need to inflict another shirt style on its cash-strapped fans and want us to a) choose it from a short list which are all pretty horrible and b) to then buy it at about forty quid a time.

The reserves are at home to York, kicking off at 2pm and the superb new official site is running yet another variant on the 'trialist will play if he gets international clearance in time' story. This time the featured word is Barbados. At least they don't want your money though – admission to the match via the main stand is free and the article which I am just too idle to link to is free as well.

To try to help the Telewag out with Town stories we have sent on the plea (see our latest postbag) from the lady who wants pictures of her Dad when he played in a Hull based band called the Mariners in about 1963. If you can help (and yes we have already found one photo on Mick Ronson's page via the judicious use of google), drop us a line.

Look, I don't want to seem rude or anything but my new Indian cook book arrived this morning and I am desperate to cook and eat something from it. So come back tomorrow gentle reader when there might be something worthwhile to actually tell you. See yer.

Tuesday 17 February
If Monday morning felt so bad, this mundane Tuesday will you feel better? As the only Diary in the village it is left to the Deviant Diary to shout it loud and say it proud: "I'm glad to be grey." Now, let's have some fun with the City doo-di-doo-di-doo-di-doo.

Remember the day before today? The Lincoln game is now at 3pm, they said. "Are you sure?" said the occasionally tendentious and sensationalist Lincolnshire Echo-o-o-o. "Absolutely," said the always tendentious and sensationalist Grimsby Telegraph. Town's cunning plan has been revealed: if we tell 'em it starts at three they'll turn up late and we can claim the points. And they have to pay our match fee to the referee too. Points and pounds saved! To fit this story into a Dave Boylen-sized nugget of news: Humberside Police may not have agreed to the re-re-arranged kick off, so where there was once doubt, there is now fromage frais. One-two-three... wahey!

I didn't know what time it was, the lights were low, so I leaned back on my radio. Some cat was layin' down some rock 'n' roll. He said Town's fans forum is on Radio Humberside next Friday, probably. Does it start at 7:30pm or 3pm?

The youthers are playing some kind of youth cup against Hartlepool's youth today, so if youth are in the land of the poisoned shipyards you have something to do.

In a strange outbreak of Thesaurus Top Trumps the GT gets over-excited by Ryan Bennett's extensions and uses a posh word with loads of syllabubs. Plethora! And the smashing all-singing SNOS sees the GT's plethora and raises it with a bespoke when puffing some kind of spurious fan interaction about next season's kit. Black and white stripes with black shorts, that'll do.

And in a coda to yesterday's coda, no-one can decide whether Russell Slade was sacked or simply left with mutual contempt. Who reads yesterday's codas?

Monday 16 February
Monday, Monday, looks good to Bury. As the Mariners Moan-O-Meter swings back towards the frownzone, the clean shaven and clean speaking Deviant Diary returns with tempting news and teasing views.

Just as Town are in Re-Newell, so is Cod Almighty. After what feels like a million years, the Meek Moment is back in post production for dubbing and re-shoots in Cinemascope and Technicolour; and we're looking for further close encounters of a Town kind, inspired by Mr Anthony Wood's memories of an ex-Town player on the Hong Kong Underground, but then forgetting who it was. If you can guess who it wasn't, e-mail the usual address. It wasn't Gary Beacock, we know that at least.

We need some deglumification after the dispiriting trudge of a performance on Saturday. Have you ever stood behind Kingsley Black at a cash point? Did you see Danny Butterfield buy some fruit gums? You must have a Mariners in Mundane Moments memory.

C'mon, c'mon, take it easy. Are we really going to panic after a defeat to a decent team? Town were weary and feeling small in the experience department, says Mariner Mike. Our oldest defender was aged 13¾, after all. Some more work needed on the Pontoon bridge over our troubles waters then. Or perhaps just get Sinclair and Mr Ak-Ak fit again. We have a week off, chill baby, chill, for Chester are spiralling down their own plughole. The scrawny fourth division vultures are circling already – Notts County tried to pluck Ryan Lowe away on loan. And now the end is near... they've nearly reached their final curtain.

Oh look, the Lincoln game is back to a normal kick-off time – 3pm on 7 March. That was simple. Why did The Man mess' with our mojo in the first place. Perhaps they quaked at the thought of a fruit based backlash? They still lost their jobs, but at least these workers made their mark. Kumquats and Pineapples make bigger dents in management egos.

Hurry, hurry, hurry there are only 4259 tickets left! The Darlington tickets are now available exclusively from the club shop. Buy now and save two of your English Poonds while stocks last! The Safecracker Stadium really is ridiculous, isn't it. It's a chucklesome gift that keeps on giving chuckles. Thank goodness the Fentydoom quietly slid underneath the waves one dark winter night. Is that what caused two nuclear submarines to collide?

And on that nuclear bombshell we drift into dry dock to be piped ashore with a selection of novelty songs and a riddle to solve. But if the answer is "Dick-A-Dum-Dum". was it ever worth asking the question?

Oh, Russell Slade's just been sacked. Whatever.

Friday 13 February
"I watched them against Barnet and they have got goals in them," he said. "There have been a lot of changes, a lot of new players have come in, but they can still knock it around and play football like Grimsby sides have always done." So Bury manager Mr Knill told the Bury Times this week. Alan Knill played for Bury the last time they won at Blundell Park back in 1991, and it is nice to read his enduring opinion that Town play the game the right way.

Your Guest Diarist is up early this morning as he has to attend a lunch in honour of his mother-in-law's birthday. The world is slushy at GD Towers in more ways than one but manager Newell has told Dale in a 'free trial' edition of the Mariners World preview that the groundsman has told him the pitch is fine.

He also applauded with some amazement the London contingent of the Town support who swelled the ranks of the faithful to about 350 the other night, saying how much that he and the team benefited when the support got behind them vocally. But the injury list has grown, and those already on it remain stubbornly so. Old lags Newey and Stockdale are still expressing 'concern' over their hamstring and calf respectively, and Jean-Louis is not expected to make it, said Newell. There is a slight doubt as well about both Sinclair and Clarke. Sinclair's knee is his source of concern while Clarke 'took a bang'. Mr Newell fully expects 'Clarkey' to bounce back and play though – it is increasingly obvious that he appreciates players of the 'model professional' category. Clarke falls into it, we can assume, as do Forbes and Elliott, and, one can assume, Jarman, Atkinson and Bennett. If Clarke fails at the last, Newell expects Peter Bore to assume the right-back role in a suitably manly, uncomplaining way.

At this early hour I hope the Cod Almighty team (bar the New Zealand representative who noticed that Rizzo, the shortest-lived Town player ever, has signed for some Aussie team and neglected to mention his 18 minutes playing for Town) are still in the land of nod. So I have no idea whether they plan a factfile, as yesterday was occupied almost entirely by a long discussion about whether to hang on to Stipe and Giggs memorabilia they (weirdly) own until they are dead. In case one doesn't turn up, tomorrow's ref will be that git who took the home game against Darlo back in November. Mr Woolmer blew up for a breath of anything and, according to our match reporter, minced. Still almost a capital offence in NE Lincs.

I just went to the Bury official site in search of a closing paragraph, gentle reader, and discovered that, like ours, their pre-match preview has to be paid for. Except today only ours is free, I hear you whine – well, it is normally not free, you have to accept. So apart from the Bury Times we don't have a lot to go on, but Newell knows they play 4-4-2, that Bishop gets a lot of goals, and their side is similar to the one we beat earlier in the season. Elsewhere, in a nasty case of cut and paste, the Shakers appear to recommend their fans trying the Imperial for a pre-match pint. If any of you Buryites are reading this, by chance, don't. Come to the Rutland Arms for a friendly and less partisan pint of decent bitter.

To compound my misery, she-who-must-be-obeyed has declared that not only is today a day for the mother-in-law but tomorrow is a day to paint the hall, so give them a cheer for me, eh? I'll be risking a quid but no more on the home win at 19/10 with Bet365. See yer.

Thursday 12 February
Idle Diary writes: Today is a celebration of science and reason, two factors absent from both goalkeepers' displays in Tuesday night's game, which we can all see now the highlights are online. Expect no emoting from the soon-to-be-out-of-contract (YAWN) Phil Barnes over his increasing feebleness against long-range shots. So let us not dwell on that/him, and instead admire our very own Neo's disregard for physics, with a breathless wonder of a goal. Why? Because there's not a lot of news, that's why. The fans' forum being put back a day to Friday 20 February and Chairman John getting a professional to write up his latest musings on the season so far (good to see our fine tradition of passing football still upstanding amongst these turbulent times) isn't a right lot. Watch that goal again and then maybe we could get you to consider bidding on a 1933-34 second division championship medal, or something of Mr Miyagi's? No? Watch that goal again and then let us open up the postbag, for a quiet news day is better than any other to empty our sack.

Earlier this week we asked you to consider any changes that are upcoming at Town, and Jeremy Baily wasn't slow to give us his slowly disintegrating grasp of reality: "The manager (MN as I believe he is known) is being interviewed for both the Chelski and Pompy posts, North is going south and JPK is going round in circles. Brown is ruining the country and the snow is ruining my football watching, although our present squad are doing as good a job as the weather to be honest. We (GTFC) are looking at the whole AFC Telford squad and considering a complete swap for playing staff and back-room workers, the stadiums are also worth changing according to an unofficial sauce (sic). Barnet Off! That is a just a remark not a request or anything about the game tomorrow!" Riiiight. Can someone up Jeremy's dosage please?

Rooted more in the realms of the feasible are the considerations of Chris Kirk: "My feeling is that that Mr Re-Newell will take a large broom to quite a section of the club's playing staff this summer. Out, for me, would be Heywood, Newey (if Widdowson will take a gamble on division four footy), Llewellyn, Boshell, Hunt, Till, Taylor and either North or Bore." Not that Chris fancies the McDonald's Muncher to do one. "I'd like to see Danny North force himself into the reckoning again. He's a genuine tryer, and has a goal 'in him' which Mike likes. Perhaps he needs a spell out on loan to find his form and fitness." With loans now allowed again, maybe young Master Kirk will be proved right, and North will prove himself.

And, finally, Theodore Griffin advises us that "Advanced Gain Pro is the real deal – real ingredients, real guarantee, real results! AGP pills have been proven to work, and use only the highest quality ingredients available anywhere." Pah, mate. Why would we need those when we've Mike Newell? He is the real deal. Up the Mariners!

Wednesday 11 February
A subdued Mardy Diary here, dragging myself through the drudgery of wage slavery, fighting the tedium of repetitive administration, clambering away from the mediocrity of the nine-to-five to bring you, dear reader, a daily snippet of Town treasure.

Inevitably, today's trinket box is stuffed full of Barnet booty after the will-they-won't-they suffering of Tuesday's near death experience at Underhill. If like me you followed the match on text-commentary or radio, you're probably feeling a bit knackered yourself. While my veg biryani slowly cooked (is that a Beatles song?) my outbursts were, in order: shit; fuckbollocks; comeon; YEEESSS!; NOOOOO!; and phew. Followed by the double stress of hoping Town would hang on for a point and hoping that my biryani didn't stick to the bottom of the pan. At the end of the day, Ron, you'd have to see it as a point gained. The boys done good blah blah. And I can't wait to see that goal.

Newell himself seemed pleased with the outcome, and so he should – an away point is an away point. And remember, just like Rome wasn't built in a day, so the GTFC squad won't be built in a single transfer window. Progress is being made and will continue to be made – I can't bloody wait until the summer. And if you're wondering who may or may not be here come the end of the season, keep an eye out for the return of the famous Cod Almighty Contract Tracker – coming to a screen near you, soon.

Barnet manager Ian Hendon took a different approach to Newell, deciding instead to lay in to his already fragile players. It's all about confidence this relegation game you know – and he's just dropped a bollock. Twice throwing away a lead and then getting a pasting from your boss – it's not really going to do much for your confidence in the coming weeks is it? And with Chester looking such a mess at the moment, it just looks to be onwards and upwards for Town. Accrington can you hear us calling your name? Oh come here, with your last minute conceding of goals – we know your pain, but we are now healed. Come, let us exchange positions. Good Accrington. There there.

So Hope is gone, but hope is still alive and well at Blundell Park. And who is it casting their eye over our cast offs? It could be Northumberland bound for our Richard, with (ahem) Blyth Spartans interested in his services. Sometimes I think perhaps I didn't realise how bad we had been – it's all relative isn't it? So who will be next to leave in the Re-Newell, answers on a postcard to the usual place.

So with that, and the news that our former first-teamers have had another match postponed it is time for me to leave and pass you on to – oh, whoever is doing the diary tomorrow. See ya.

Look Dad – no swearing. Almost.

Tuesday 10 February
"Weather forecast is not good," says the Barnet official site as a headline to its piece about how waterlogged their pitch was last night (before all that overnight rain). A second postponement seems a formality after a pitch inspection sometime later this morning – one would assume before the Town bus leaves at noon. But now the clock has ticked, as bankers make empty, weaselly-worded apologies in the corner of your Guest Diarist's screen, and it is 11:38. And lo and behold, the official site announces by email, in a new, timely and superb way, that the match is ON after a pitch inspection.

Barnet, having had a few home games postponed, have probably wheedled to get this match played. God knows how bad the pitch is, and Heaven knows how they survive on their meagre crowds in the first place. The cash flow implications of having three home games called off must be horrendous for the poor buggers.

On balance this, I think, is a bad decision for Town, who need a fit French striker to scare the pants off the opposition defence. Dean Sinclair, says the Grimsby Telegraph, is only 50-50 after picking up a knock on Saturday. Dean told the journo that Dave Moore had muttered a brief but pithy incantation over the starlet midfielder and that this had enabled him to go for a light jog. Manager Newell has obviously got great faith in this type of treatment because he was almost airy when responding to Dale's question on the slightly furtively published Mariners World interview, about Sinclair, saying that the lad would be fine on the day.

Newell also further embarrassed young Jarman by explaining what fun he had teasing the lad after discovering his weekend injury was actually just a touch of cramp. But to balance things the manager went out of his way to laud Jarman's exemplary hard work both on the training ground and in the gym.

As to the outcome of tonight's game Newell was crystal clear: avoid defeat. With Atkinson available and a choice of full-backs (Newell only mentioned Akpa Akpro as being unfit so both Stockdale and Newey (the unmentionable) by implication are available), it should be entirely possible to prevent Barnet scoring any goals. That would be a good start, eh? And given that we are supposed to beat Barnet every single time we play them, someone must come up with a goal. I hope it is Jarman, whose attitude I also applaud and whose technique I admire.

The CA team thought this match would not happen and so we cheerfully admit that we can't be arsed to do a factfile at this late hour. The bookmakers obviously feel Town's Barnet away streak is at an end, making the home team a best-priced 7/5 favourite with Hills and Town 9/4 (Sky Bet) with a draw best-priced at 12/5 (Ladbrokes). Go for the latter if you fancy a flutter – both sides have too much at stake to lose. There, that should guarantee us an away win. See yer.

Monday 9 February
Comrades! Your Idle Diarist would gladly perform any act gratis to work with a naked Marisa Tomei to get my washed-up career back on the tracks, but, sadly, it's never gonna to happen. It's not the lack of talent, more actually being arsed about employment furtherment. Instead, I happily pay to watch Nathan Jarman get his career moving at GTFC. What the lad lacks in breasts he sure makes up with in spunk, fnarr, eh! Eh! Eh? The Jarman has a similar admiring approach to life, and enjoyed watching Marcus Stewart score on Saturday. "He just opened his body up and stuck it-" the little terror was squeamishly revealing before I covered my eyes from the multitude of possibilities that could have followed. Such was the Man of Jar's glee at scoring Town's second, he received his fifth yellow card of the season and will miss the game at Bury through suspension; injury also threatens him appearing at Barnet tomorrow night...

...if the game goes ahead. Barry Moggridge, the groundsman for Barnet and the Hogwarts Quidditch pitch, reckoned yesterday the Underhill pitch was "playable". That was then, this is now: standing water on the pitch from persistent rain and a forecast of sleet showers means there will be a pitch inspection tomorrow morning. A quick call to Barnet reveals that it's more likely to be off than on. Still, at least the new series of Mad Men starts tomorrow night...

With the biting cold, the supposed credit crunch, calls to abolish level crossings, football teams merging with their neighbours, and everybody Twittering, what we need at times like this is a message of hope. And, a bit like Noel Edmunds, I've got one: Richard Hope has been released. Sentencing, Judge Mike took time from sweeping his broom through the changing room to declare: "I really need people who want to play for the club – I'm not convinced that was the case with Richard." Who will be next to be allowed to leave? Let us know your thoughts, sensible, from the grapevine, or for no logical reason, through the usual channel. Adios!

Friday 6 February
Troy Archibald-Henville. Now you say it. Savour those consonants as they roll around your tongue. If someone's name was a cheese this would not be supermarket mild cheddar. It would be something dear out of Prince Charles's shop. Believe your Guest Diarist, gentle reader: this is the name of a bloke on loan to Exeter City – Town's opponents at Blundell Park tomorrow, frost permitting. And it looks like he will be playing too.

The quite-dear-really for its erratic output Mariners World preview is billed as freeview this week. And we get to hear the disembodied voice of Stuart Watkiss(es) telling us that Town are only better these days because they have better players. Well yes, better than Tomi Ameobi and Malvin Kamara anyway, Stu. While double checking that it was Watkiss(es) who signed that pair on loan in the turbulent month that was last September, I noticed that one Peter Till had publicly advocated Watkiss(es) getting the manager's job. How things have changed, what with us going from 20th in mid-September to 22nd in the table now, and Till – widely believed to be our best player then – drifting off on loan. Now come on: believe. Next season we will be back on Humberside (because we are "promotion material") and poor old Stu will be looking for another contract I expect. Funny old game, eh?

Although he shunned Dale on Mariners World, Mr Re-Newell found time to tell the Telegraph that Jean-Louis Akpa-Akpro will not be fit to play tomorrow, and remains a significant doubt for Tuesday's rearranged slog down to Barnet. Those who have taken a polytechnic degree in line-reading-between would say that Newell is planning to chuck Forbes in to replace the 'injured Ivorian' (he's a Frenchman though really, isn't he?), and would be confident enough to assert that ex-skipper Heywood will deputise for the suspended Atkinson.

Whether of course we will actually get a game at all is a moot point. The Blundell Park pitch is not snowy, but very wet with standing water here and there. With a sharpish frost forecast overnight, and the opposition flying up, it is an awkward situation to predict. Let's hope we get a game and the combination of a gaffe-ridden referee and linesman manage to officiate without incident for once in their lives. See yer.

Thursday 5 February
Welcome to the fragrant world of Deviant Diary: on the graveyard shift and avoiding the uncouth and lavatorial with a wavering waft of a handkerchief and rueful gaze into the distance.

Where does my gaze alight? Beyond the roadworks, beyond the rumble strips and to the blandest stadium in the world where our county cousins reside in a festering bungalow of complex inferiors and blubbering bile. The Master Masseur, 'Snippy' Nigel, continues his fascination with our old dinner dates, stalking our exes through the land. Yes, this time it's Liam Trotter's turn to be seduced by Scunnythorpe's high café society with al fresco anchovies by the Ancholme. Sinclair's better, but don't let them know that; otherwise it'll be soup and steak by the steelworks. How can we compete with that kind of high rolling?

"Is he or isn't he wearing Harmony hairspray?" He is! Stuart Elliott will stay for another month, and who can complain about that? Do we need him though? If Bournemouth continue their kamikaze ride into the abyss of administration number 24 then maybe not. Their chairman's a big man, but their finances aren't in shape. How many eyebrows were raised at the phrase "The club needs money to take it through until the end of the season and it looks like they have fallen short"? What, again?

The SNOS has issued an appeal for old footage of famous Town moments (hello Keith Collins!). Seems they do not employ an archivist, or at least no-one who could be bothered to hover over the record and play buttons of a Betamax. I'd ask for travelling and subsistence, Keith, at public service rates. It is snowing, after all.

Yoikes! Snow! Saturday! What about the orange ball, PJ?

Wednesday 4 February
They say no news is good news, but that's not the case when you've got to write the Diary. Although given that I've only just realised it's me who should be doing it and it's currently 2pm then maybe they are right after all.

So – right. Hmmm. Hey, the daily fucking racist has written some story about how some shit ref or other has been punished by being 'relegated' to League Two to run the line at BP this weekend. I didn't see said Premierwank incident so I can't comment on it, and I'm sure the press have written tedious paragraph after tedious paragraph about it already anyway. Was Gerrard involved? I dunno. Let's say he was and it was all his fault and he should get a 500-game ban. Right, that's that out of the way. Anyway, why do we have to have their rejects? Let's have some consistency here. If a ref bollocks up and gets dumped on us in the lower tier, then why not apply the same rule for players? If some fucking whining shit-arse player from the Premier plays up and gets a red – get them down to League Two. Teams could draw lots, with the lucky team getting to field said mardy-arsed Premo-whinger for a couple of weeks. We could even fix the draw so Barnet always end up with the player – a sort of lower-league charity. Brats for Barnet. Gerrard could be the president and his role would be to speak at an annual bash about the benefits of the scheme, after which we could all take turns to repeatedly punch him in his stupid face. The cunt.

Anyways, that's about it. Over to someone a bit less sweary tomorrow I expect. What? Oh fuck off.

Tuesday 3 February
"Adrian can play in a couple of positions but we are looking for him to play up front," announced manager Newell to the Telewag after we got that old bluesman Mr Forbes on loan for the rest of the season. "We haven't got a great deal of strength in depth or experience in forward areas and we needed to bolster our ranks. He is an honest player who works his socks off. He is brave in the tackle and he has got a goal in him as well. He is a very strong player and he has got a bit of pace. He is good in the air and he will lead the line for you. He defends from the front and that takes a bit of pressure off the other striker. I had him at Luton and I played him up front and he got 14 goals, so he did well," said Newell in a journalistic approximation to the prose of Ernest Hemingway.

The Forbester himself welcomed the move, given that everything appeared to start going wonky for him when hefell out with the Swansea manager Kenny Jackett after being sold on by Luton. Which explains why he never got in the Millwall team, as Jackett signed him there in a bizarre means of revenge after taking over at the New Den. It is interesting to note, gentle reader, that Forbes performed best under Newell as a striker. Subsequent clubs played him wide and dropped him. "My preferred position is as a striker, where I can use my pace to get in behind defenders but I can also play right and left midfield" he said. Swansea fan Trev McCabe has this to say: "Only saw him play three or four times (the curse of being nowhere near Swansea these days) and was always impressed by his work rate – always chasing things down."

So another potentially good signing, reckons your Guest Diarist. Experienced but not old; neither injury-wracked and with a face full of honest character. A bloke who wants to play football and who gets on with the manager. A chance for him to escape into division four and kick some ass. Let's hope so.

Meanwhile eagle-eyed Mardy Diary (take a deep breath: he is going to blast us all again tomorrow, I think) has spotted that Donny signed Dean Shiels from Hibs yesterday. Does this mean Mr Elliott has slid even lower down the pecking order? I hope so.

Peter Till, meanwhile, has bankrupted a tanning salon down Grimsby Road by going on loan to Chesterfield for the rest of the season and presumably, one hopes, taking his wage bill with him. His contract expires at that point so I don't expect we will see him again, unless lining up for the opposition. Talent he has, application less so – a player who finds it easy to look threatening 40 yards out but rarely troubled the opposition enough where it really matters.

The superb new official site is canvassing views on the Mariners World commentary service. "We've had some really positive feedback about Compass FM's and Mariners World's improved match commentary," the article opens, killing off any possibility of objectivity. As a listener my five penn'orth is that the introduction of Bolland has brought some fresh air in to the fetid, sleepy commentary box, but I still maintain the main commentators are labouring under the illusion that we can see what is going on and don't really need telling what actually is happening.

So the week drags on and we have another empty Tuesday night due to Luton calling off the match because there was snow on the seats or summat. Still, Cain is back in Emmerdale next week. See yer Friday.

Monday 2 February
Howdy. A quick diary from Idle way. There's a lotta snow outside, enough to make one wonder how the hell the game at Valley Parade tonight could still be on. A Bradford City official has been on the radio at lunch saying they're making every effort, their players are tired from a game two days ago, it's on the telly, blah blah blah. If you think that makes sense, you must have enjoyed booing Matt Heywood onto the pitch on Saturday. Will you continue that for the games he has to fill in for Rob Atko?

Tiredness from two games in quick succession won't now be a worry for the ReNewell Plan tomorrow night as the snow has postponed the game at Luton. Full marks for such an early announcement from the Hatters, just in time to stop anyone planning on Nordic skiing down to Bedfordshire, and meaning our factfile team get to bed earlier than usual tonight. Hooray!

And just as this page is about to be made live – and I dart for the toilet – the OS reports that Town have signed Adrian Forbes until the end of the season. Gah! Must go! Bustin' for a wazz! Sorry! Byyyeee!

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