1. "Who were the last five Grimsby-born players to play for the Mariners?"
2. "How many former Town players are currently playing in a higher division than the Mariners?"
3. "Who has scored the most goals for Grimsby Town in the 21st century?"
4. "Who were the last ten players to appear in goal for the Mariners?"
5. A daft name game
7. Two defenders, scoring, same game
8. Ex-players coming back to haunt us
19 July 2005
Greetings. If the editors of this website had got their act together sooner this could have been "last question of the season" time. Alas, it's not. So instead we'll try and speed away those months barren of football, while we're locked in at the behest of our wagemasters. (If you are doing this at home, we ban you from considering it during your own time. Print it out and take it to work!)
I therefore commence this task carefully, knowing I need something that will occupy your minds. And will give me time to rediscover the scrap of paper onto which I scrawled the answers. A temporary misplacement, I assure you.
It's a two-parter, much like a Town game in the season just gone. One part may be to your taste; the other may set your mind wandering, leaving you in despair and induce you into sleep. Simultaneously.
The first part: who were the last five ex-Grimsby Town players to play against Grimsby Town, in league games? Simple enough, I reckon. One to occupy a couple of tea breaks.
The second part is far more difficult, and it was thought of as a candidate for this slot by Mr Stephen Draper of Grimsby. So if you're looking for blame, I absolve myself and will rest with a clear conscience. The is very simple, yet very taxing. Re-read the previous question and substitute the word 'score' for the word 'play', so we need the last five ex-Town players to score against us. No doubt they would have been displaying powers of net-bulging previously not witnessed in the black and white stripes of Town. The gits!
Frightfully aware that as it is summer and when you are not sweating in the name of labour, you'll be 'rewarding' yourselves by chilling out, getting tans, and pretending the Mariners don't exist for a few weeks (while I get to sweat it out in my windowless box), you may have an extended deadline. To provide you with a little encouragement Mr S C Wilson of this hallowed publication has generously offered to donate a prize to anyone who gets both parts correct – without resorting to cheating, of course (remember – this is a mental aptitude test!). The prize is a picture of Russell Slade, with hair. Worth expending some grey matter on summer's greyer days in anyone's books.
Heard the one about the Lord, Shephard and the Knaresborough Jury? Well, they all entered the final CA quiz of the season. But enough of the lame jokes. This complex/brain-numbing quiz attracted about a half-dozen entrants, none of whom were bullied into participating. Not at all. Gentle persuasion was all that was needed.
The way I approached this was to think back, think back some more, and then cheat. The entrants? They evidently just guessed. Good on 'em. The Shephard, Mark, reckoned Mike Edwards might have scored against Town. Surely not – he's been laid up all season. He's about as regular a scorer as Iffy Onuora. Or The Lord – Richard – who reckoned Chris Hargreaves was still in the bottom division. Well he is now, but he wasn't last season.
Talking of Lords and Shephards makes me think. Where is The Butcher who performed so well in previous quizzes? Perhaps he is locked in his under-stairs cupboard drafting all next year's match reports? Irrespective, on we go...
There is one universally occurring entry for the last to play against Town category: Phil '29 Goals For Yeovil Last Season 'Jevons. One point to everyone. Yes, everyone. Even those of you who didn't enter.
Baz of the self-proclaimed Knaresborough Jury is first to mention Daryl Clare, who notched early for Boston against Boston in the Boston game. Lord, Denby and Nutty also mentioned Daryl so they get two points, one for last played, one for last scored, as Dazza did both. Clever boy.
The entries of Mr Baz and Mr Denby are almost identical; each go for Tony Gallimore, (at Rochdale) Ashley Sestanovich (with Chester) and Ian Baraclough at The Laws Loonies to complete their five players who played against us. The Lord also goes for Matt Bloomer, who featured at Lincoln, as well as Gally and Chrissy H. Mr Shephard desperately guesses Edwards, and Alan Fettis and Bloomer. Jase then names as many as he can; including Thomas Widdo-rington, Paul Harsley and Lee Thorpe to go with his side order of Jevvo and Stan. Nutty also says "dazza widdo stan jeevo thorpe". I am confused. I need a rest...
So which of these were right, to join Jevvo and Dazza? Most recently to appear against us is Ian 'Bara' Baraclough in the tediously insipid derby in April. The month before saw 'Diminutive' Clare and 'Lagermore' Gallimore, but both away from Blundell Park, where in February Mr 'Laces' Jevons (the impressive 2-1 win to Town remember) and Mr 'Complete Tosser' Sestanovich were entertained. A point for each of these. But no points for Campbell and Bloomer, who preceded those guys earlier in 2005, and no points for anyone else. Credit to Denby for the lovely nicknames...
So that is that sorted. We'll come back to the points in a mo.
Who scored against Town? Oops, I have... Just. Of. Can. Worms. Opened.
Galli would count if had not famously missed a penalty. Most entries consisted of something like "Clare. Kabba. Harsley. Errrr..." Is that the 'errr' on your north bank head?
First effort is from Nutty: "Clare. Oh I give up. Kabba? Regards, Nutty." A brief entry. But a quick two points.
Over to Mr Denby. Less brief entry, almost too much. Too much caffeine/glucose, Mr Denby? "Last five ex-Town players to score versus Town was tough, and I'm not sure on the rules. This season there was definitely Daryl Clare again, and Paul Harsley who was on our books so I guess he can be classed as ex-Town. Jon Daly scored against us in that match where Hockless scored a wonder goal [Stockport away], and Antoine-Curier unbelievably scored against us too. However, they weren't ex-Town at the time so I don't think they count. Pauls Warhurst and Groves scored own goals last season but as they were playing for Town at the time, they shouldn't really count either. So I'll have a go with Paul Robinson (the slightly better Paul Robinson, or in Ruud Gullit's opinion, slightly better than Alan Shearer) who scored loads against us in the match that will never be mentioned again. Then I dunno. Steve Kabba infamously netted for Sheffield United when he managed to get into the team ahead of the other 800 strikers on their books. Then I reckon there's local lad done good Darren Wrack. So that's: Clare, Harsley, Robinson, Kabba and Wrack." Amazingly, Denby seems to be 100 per cent correct. He's even got the order right.
Can Mr Shephard equal this feat? "Er....Neilson?" Alan or David (Nielsen)? Who cares? It's still a resounding no. "Christ... I'm struggling. Mendonca maybe? Widdrington? Maybe Nicky Southall. Er... Tillson? Oh, I dunno..." Big fat zero.
Baz gets three, having included the two that don't count at the expense of Wrack 'n' Kabba, but he got the other three. Nice one.
Rich Lord tries to outdo Denby. "I reckon Daryl Clare is the first (with that first-minute goal – we all knew he'd score against us, but the first minute was a bit ridiculous). I also remember Paul Harsley scoring against Town earlier this season in the 3-1 defeat at Macclesfield. Now, I'm not sure if the next player counts, strictly speaking (or typing). We had John Daly and now we don't, so he's an ex-Town player, right? He fits the bill, as far as I'm concerned. But he did score against the Mariners at the end of the '03-04 season when we lost 2-1 at Stockport. The fact that it was before he became a Mariner I'm going to neatly skip (that's a split infinitive but I don't care). My next player is also a contentious one (and I don't mean that he was a contentious player, more that my decision to include him in this list is contentious). Paul Warhurst played for Grimsby Town. Now he doesn't, which makes him an ex-Town player. His own goal against Bournemouth (what a boring game that was) went against us. So technically I'm looking at Paul Warhurst, an ex-Town player, being of sound mind and body, scored against the Mariners. Although it wasn't in a deliberate fashion is something that isn't stipulated in the original question." Zzzz. Enough, enough, please...
"Paul Robinson scored, on more than one occasion – in the same match – against the Mariners. The last one I can think of, before my mind becomes really wracked (pitiable link) is Darren Wrack. We lost 3-1 at Walsall and he scored the third. Actually, I might have missed one out. Didn't Steve Kabba score against us after he moved to Sheffield United? He celebrated in front of all those teenagers in the Pontoon and got booked for it. I think that was after the Walsall game that season, so he might be the fifth and not Darren Wrack."
Oh, he's finished. Yes, Rich got most of these but he MUST lose points for sending me to sleep during my lunch hour. Heinous crime, that. And he must lose points for naming Daly, Warhurst, Antoine-Curier and anyone he could think of.
So, the answers. The last five to play versus Town, all during the 2004-05 season were (Pontoon drum roll please): Ian Baraclough; Daryl Clare; Ashley Sestanovich; Phil Jevons; and Tony Gallimore. The last five players to net against Town were Daryl Clare and Paul Harsley last season, Paul Robinson's HAT-TRICK in September 2003, and in 2002-03 Steve Kabba and Darren Wrack.
And now the scores. Shephard: 1 I think but I can't find his email to check now... Er, Nutty gets 4 , Baz a 5, Lord 8, while Denby bags all 10 points it seems. Maximum effort! He must have cheated... Oh, and everyone else: 1 for naming Phil Jevons, you clever people.
Thankfully the season is over, the quizzes are over and I can now have a rest before the start of the next campaign of torture. I will never set a question again...