Cod Almighty | Article

by Miles Moss

1 July 2006

Accrington Stanley? Who might they be?
Right, Grimsby fans: you all know what it's like when other websites or newspaper articles by professional journalists write about the Mariners, and can't resist forays into awful fish puns and lame copy which relies heavily on trawling metaphors. You grimace; you groan; you affect a heavily-sarcastic belly laugh.

Now, we don't want to anger local MPGreg Pope into lumping Cod Almighty in with all the other 'lazy metropolitan media'; we don't want to further child star Carl Rice's agony on becoming a veritable Arthur 'Two Sheds' Jackson ("I've done TV and I'm a writer but the advert is all people want to talk about"); also we'd like any visiting Stanley supporters (hello!) to have a pleasant visit to this site. Therefore, you will not be hearing the phrases "Who are DEY?", "It's what Ian Rush drinks!", "MILKCCHHKK?" or "EXAKKKCHCHKKLEEE!" during this article. Er, except just then, of course.

Funny how advertising can be misleading: for a start, Ian Rush is lactose-intolerant. Also, for a good few years after that ad, I assumed that Accrington was in Merseyside merely because of those two kkkchhkkids' high-pitched scraping tones; but of course, Accrington's Crown Ground (to use its pre-sponsorship name) is slap bang in Lancs, between the shiny Ewood Park and the shitey Turf Moor. No doubt many young, potential supporters are pulled either to the blue-and-white West or the claret-and-blue east rather than support their hometown team.

Stanley are a small but intensely proud club; and what's not to be proud of - they've come back from the dead. The Accrington Stanley we'll be playing this season is only as old as me, formed in 1968, but the town's had a club in various guises since 1878. Three times they have folded (most recently and famously in 1962) and three times they have risen again. You just can't keep them down. Bear that in mind if we find ourselves with a half-time lead.

Why 'Stanley', by the way? Nothing to do with the procurer of Oliver Hardy's fine messes; nor should you presume a tribute to Dr David Livingstone's hide-and-seek partner. Accrington is the town, and the Stanley Arms was the pub the team was formed in. Name me a football club that didn't start life in the pub; alcoholism in the game's not such a recent thing.

Last season
At the start of last season, you could get odds of 14-1 on Accrington Stanley winning the Conference title, but by the turn of the year, the team were making these odds look decidedly, well, odd, as they blazed their way to the title with the sort of dominance you usually only see in Chammy Manager.

There was a relatively slow start, however: after defeat away to Stevenage on 15 October, Stanley were fourth in the Conference, looking OK, but nothing special, having won eight, drawn two and lost four. I hope nobody tore up their betting slips at this point, though, because Stanley went on a bit of a run, going undefeated from 29 October until 21 March, and losing just three of their final 28 league matches.

There was no such success in cup competitions last season: after a penalty defeat by Rotherham in the LDV first round, Stanley were knocked out of the FA Cup qualifying round by Worcester, and later the FA Trophy by Worksop. However, you won't find an Accrington fan who'd change a single thing.

Anticipate with relish
Relish the chance merely to visit Accrington Stanley - as small and famous as Ronnie Corbett. A club with a strong sense of community; a ground set amid real people's houses rather than on yet another arse-end of an industrial estate. Have a good look round the 5,000-seater ground, and have a drink in the Gazelle Lounge at the stadium - if you need any more details, please contact the commercial manager Karen Fazackerley. FAZACKERLEY! Oh God, I'm so sorry. I couldn't resist it.

More relish? History says it's going to be a good game: the 22 previous clashes between Town and Accrington's various incarnations have resulted in 16 wins for the Mariners and six for the Stanleyers, with no draws. The 11 matches at Blundell Park have all finished with a Town win, with Grimsby scoring an average of way over three goals per game. Hmm. Yeah, it'll be nil-nil, then, won't it. Twice.

Anticipate with dread
A look down Stanley's squad list may not throw up many names you recognise, and a closer inspection of the 'former clubs' of each shows brief careers with some recognisable clubs, or careers built around the regional non-League circuit (St. Dominic's? Who are dey? Agh, sorry). Don't let this fool you: as last season's rampage through the Conference showed, the Stanley players bear no resemblance to large cylindrical vessels with handles containing hot beverages such as tea or coffee.

There appear to be some frighteningly capable youngsters on the books, but it's the old man of the side, Paul Mullin, who is the main Judge Dread, his 19 goals last season bringing his Stanley career tally up to 156 goals in 314 games. In fact, the squad in all positions know where the net is - last season eight players scored five or more goals; four of these made it into double figures. I find that a bit scary. 

The way forward
As spiky-haired pop singer Yazz once said, 'Stand Up For Your Love Rights'. Oh, hang on, no: 'The Only Way is Up'. Sorry if that's stuck in your head for the rest of the week, but I have the feeling that Stanley have a good chance of success. They may not reach number one, like Yazz's biggest and most annoying hit, but I'm certain they'll do better than her 1997 cover version of 'Never Can Say Goodbye', which only reached number 61 in the UK singles charts. Let's say this season that Stanley will finish in a creditable tenth.

Home gates rose from around the 1,000 mark at the start of the season to over 3,000 for the last two home games. We know from experience how fickle supporters can be, but with participation in the heady heights of the fourth division - against several north-west rivals, and all the other new and exciting clubs - perhaps the crowds will remain inflated for a while at least, and this can only help the team to more success. Unless the fans are a bunch of moaning bastards like our lot.

Last season's promotion was Stanley's third in the last seven years - they were all the way down in the Northern League Division One when manager John Coleman joined in 1999, and he's done rather well, hasn't he. I don't expect he'll get them into the Premiership, but if he stays in charge, expect a good few years of top-half finishes. And hey, what about a good cup run this year?