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Just get a hold of yourself, for goodness sake

Monday 8 February
Mardy Diary writes: I'm not sure people are embracing this relegation battle in the proper spirit, you know. Is it just me that's excited by it? The anticipation of the win grows with each match – like a child waiting for a Christmas that feels like it'll never come. Sure, if we were 20-30 points adrift with a handful of games left, it might be time to start looking at the league below. But now? Come on – breathe it in – embrace the battle. It's exciting. If we were already in mid-table safety what would be the point of going to the match? What would we look forward to? It'd be like spending an afternoon in Debenhams. No – thrive off the excitement and energy. Personally, when we win I'm all ready to go abso-bloody-lutely mental. I'll probably throw myself down the Pontoon steps and break a few bones in all the excitement.

So another Monday when the messageboard geniuses spout forth with demands for the head of the manager – yeah, that'll work. And the doom merchants predict our demise, not just for this season but for many seasons to come. Me – this is food to me. Come on, bring the FIGHT! What are you all scared of?

Friday 5 February
Neil Woods has been talking the talk. His sense of relief is palpable after strengthening his squad significantly over the past few weeks. It shows all over his face. The way to beat County, your Guest Diarist can report, is to attack them. 'Woods to go for the jugular', trumpets the Grimsby Telegraph, while the redoubtable Dale (in his weekly paid-for interview) puts forward the proposition to his manager that Town might have the best squad in the division nowadays. If Mr Woods had been drinking coffee at that point I suspect he would have spat it out. But you kind of know what he means don't you? On paper Town do look much much stronger.

So tomorrow's game, seen from the heady always-anticipatory heights of a Friday morning, is a prospect to relish. I was expecting to tell you that Dean Sinclair might not make it with a hamstring problem, but Woods is hopeful. He is less sure about Wes Fletcher and Adam Proudlock, who have felt a bit poorly this week. At least their absence will reduce Woodses' selection options up front. Proudlock, by the way, has done a very nice mea culpa interview to the Telegraph, rightly insisting he will want to take the next penalty.

Woods ruefully admitted he has a selection headache, claiming that there is now competition for just about every place in the team. And he says the competition is enthusiastic, citing an after-match text from young Paris babbling about how much he had enjoyed his 20-minute cameo. Neil said there is no-one in the squad now who he wouldn't play and that the team will be picked according to how he sees the opposition, the pitch conditions and the adjacency of other matches. Reading his runes, I get the impression that Woods would love to play young Cowans-Hall, but a combination of his fitness issue and a heavy pitch will influence his decision. But I'm sure he'll appear at some point. As for the midfield, well, Peacock will come on for the run last week you would expect, and it sounds like Sinclair will be fit enough to start.

In today's news-based diary I should also tell you that Bradley Wood is back in full training already and that Forbes and Stockdale are continuing to expand their training sessions with both being possibles to join the first team squad by the middle of next week. In another helpful interview, Woods has explained his thinking about the younger squad members who have failed to feature of late. Paraphrasing mightily: he feels that Town's relegation fight is no way to start a career in the game. Simply too much pressure on the kids. And I can't really argue with that either.

As for pressure – well a couple of weeks ago I didn't really feel any because it looked like Town would never win again. But some good-looking signings and a really decent away point last week has roused me again. No doubt by five tomorrow I'll be proved wrong for the thousandth time, but just now that 4/1 price on Town looks tasty. Check the Cod Almighty factfile to see whether our resident betting person recommends us to get stuck in to it. Try to enjoy the game folks, however you follow it. See yer.

Thursday 4 February
Idle Diary writes: Not a lot on today, what with it being Thursday an'all that. It's the same over at the Grimmo Telegraph, with only a desperate interview where Cowan-Hall compares his time with Town to that of the Baudelaire children. Still, "if I don't [create or score a goal] then I feel like I've had a bad game" shows the lad better at finishing than building up.

Is there anything else? Erm, fancy choosing next season's kit already? No? Erm...

Better poke in to the Diary postbag. Not a lot there either, only ageing North Norfolk rocker Dave Elvidge's "possible top 10 for the present times":

It's all over now – Rolling Stones
It's over – Roy Orbison
Down down down – Status Quo
Sea of heartache – Don Gibson
Crying in the rain – Everly Brothers
No particular place to go – Chuck Berry
Sorrow – David Bowie
As tears go by Marianne Faithful
Showdown – Electric Light Orchestra
I guess it doesn't matter anymore

"Further to that list: number 10 was by Buddy Holly. By then I was well on the way to being pissed (in addition to pissed off)."

Hmmm. I don't know how to respond to that. Anyone?

Ah! Ah. No, still nothing.

This feels a bit awkward, like a date where I want to speak to you, you beautiful thing, but I've nothing to say.

Let's just call it quits, eh. I'd be better doing the factfile.

Wednesday 3 February
Mardy Diary writes: Cast your mind back, just over a year ago – say early December 2008. Take a look at the squad for any particular match. Yup. You might see Atkinson, Bore, Hegarty, Stockdale... possibly Jarman. And that's it. Just over a year and our entire squad has almost completely changed – not that it hasn't needed a change, but it can't continue like this. I'm sure Neil Woods will be in agreement: stability – of the squad, of the team and putting professional structures in place is what should be our goal now. I don't doubt there'll be more changes in the summer – once contracts and loans expire we'll be left with a "first team" squad of around 15. Some of those loanees will no doubt sign up should we stay up, some of the players out of contract may sign new deals – and there will be more new faces. But next January I don't want to see anybody new coming in – I want a well balanced, well-performing, steady squad by that point. I'll accept loans to cover injuries/suspensions, I'll accept players coming in to replace any that may leave. But other than that, I don't want another overhaul – wherever we may be. Same manager, same players – just for a few seasons. We've tried the chopping and changing, and (surprise!) it didn't work. Now it's time to try being rational and measured – a difficult ask for most football fans and chairmen, I know.

So Danny North has gone – and he's said some really nice things to the Telegraph so I wish him all the best and I hope he does well wherever he goes. It would be pitiful and typically 'Grimsby' to have anything negative to say about North at this moment in time. Good on yer Danny – you've left honourably and with respect, a proper professional. He's spent over five years as part of the first team set-up, and longer if you count his time as a youth player. That makes Danny one of our longest serving players – so he deserves respect. But who are our longest serving players now? Let me tell you: Peter Bore (57 starts) and Nick Hegarty (89). Amazing isn't it? Bore signed for the club (aged 12) in 1999, so the notoriously straight boy is in his 11th year (isn't he due a testimonial?) and Hegarty followed in 2001. After that – it's a bit more tricky. Atkinson has been here a while if you count his various loan stints – and after Hegarty he is the player with the most starts for us (83). After that we've got Stockdale (only 30 starts), Proudlock and Jarman (both 37). As for time at the club, I've no idea how long Overton and Bird have been at the club but I suspect they may not make it past the summer.

So there you have it folks: change is good, but it is also bad. Upwards and onwards. Seeya.

Tuesday 2 February
Apologies up front for not getting this up in time for lunch. Ever been to a "it'll just be thirty minutes" meeting, wherein in every minute is actually 180 seconds long? Oh yeah, of course you have – you support Town, where a nine month season feels like a whole term under Thatcher. God help our sanity and comprehension of time if we're this shit if the Tories get into power.

So, let's cheer things up. Let's summarise yesterday's activities. First the club announced the departure of the Slightly Bosh (who joined Chesterfield), Clarke (York), and Heywood (out of town). Local Boy Danny North also left the club, as did Grant Normington. Citing a lack of first team football as his reason, Nicky Featherstone took the opportunity to return to Hull early. And most disappointingly, Barry Fucking Conlon scuppered his chances of an immortal career-shafting Cod Almighty T-shirt by signing with Chesterfield, as permanently as "until the summer" is. And in? Just Oliver Lancashire returning, on loan until the end of the season.

Got all that? Seven players out, one player in. If you haven't – or you might be one of those people who just wants to know what that leaves Town with – luckily here's our squad page that tells you just the players left between now and the end of the season to preserve Town's Football League status. No pressure there then.

No more ins, no more outs. Nothing more but working with what's – and get ready to cross this off your Fentycon bbbiiiiIIINNNNGGOOOO! Card – "in the building". And leaving us Town fans a few days to work out how-where-why those players are best deployed. Will Lancashire come straight in for Rob Atkinson? Is Coulson better employed out wide or up front? What about Peacock at the tip of a midfield diamond? Questions and decisions for Neil Woods, with a team now that he has truly built. Your Idle Diarist is feeling a mixed sense of raw excitement and raw sewage. What about you, dear reader?

With the less-than-magnificent seven now gone, would any of them, or any of the many more that left before them, go as far as penning an open letter to the club and its fans to say "thanks, so long, and farewell" like David Prutton? Would they buggery.

Monday 1 February
"Trio released" says the superb new official site's banner headline. Followed by the subtext "for players released". Is it three or a badly spelled four wonders your Guest Diarist? Or is it in fact the five that have been bandied round the rumour mill? Sadly the article is all headline – click on it and your link expires, or some such nonsense. So at the time of writing I can't tell you any more.

Ah but when I check back again the link works saying "Jamie Clarke, Danny Boshell and Matt Heywood have all had their contracts cancelled by mutual consent." So now we know.

The last day of any transfer window is a tragic sad pathetic day – an undignified scrambled egg of rumour and desperation. When Palace players start the day dreaming of Barcelona and then sign for Wigan. When Town fans scream for more players even though we have loads of other teams' cast-offs already.

Town, having embarrassedly refused on Saturday the tempting offer of three away points against a side who normally hardly ever look like losing at home, can look forward to a week where our new signings can get to know last months signings and be absorbed in our borg. We missed an open goal; we missed a penalty but heck we don't care. No-one around us in the table is winning so it doesn't matter too much does it?

I read entrails as I gut tonights tea. Others apparently read Facebook pages to try and deduce the imminent future of people like that Danny North. The Grimsby Telegraph is a bit Mondayish today – just regurgitating what they've read on the SNOS. The McCrory saga is sort of dead but not buried so you never know – someone might detect the faintest of pulses and bring it back to life. How important is that signing though I say (trying to find a place back in the team for our longest serving player). We need hegativity. We definitely do. See yer.

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