Cod Almighty | Diary

Diary - Wednesday 28 April 2004

28 April 2004

Having repeatedly tried and failed to motivate his players by stating that they are rubbish, Nicky Law finally changes tack in a new interview for Town's official website. Looking ahead to this weekend's must-win clash with Brentford, the stopgap Mariners manager strikes up his usual riff about ugliness - "it's not going to be a pretty game" - before making the shock admission that if his players match the Bees for brutality then "we've got the better footballers". It is uncertain from the context of Law's managerial career, however, whether he actually intends this as a compliment. The bouncer goes on, though, to observe of Isaiah Rankin, the only decent forward at the club, that "if you get the ball into his feet in the right areas, he really is a threat. He's an excellent player at this level." At this point in the interview viewers on Mariners World can see the camera pan out to reveal that Law is seated on Graham Rodger's knee, with the assistant manager appearing to manipulate his lip movements from behind his head. "A gottle of geer!" adds the former Bradford and Chesterfield boss.

The magnitude of the Brentford game is underlined by the club's desperation to get as many people in to the ground as possible to roar their disapproval of the players' indifferent performance. No fewer than two bairns will be admitted free with each "responsible paying adult", while junior season ticket holders are invited to "bring a buddy", perhaps in recognition of the American influence on Grimsby dialect whereby 'pants' means your trousers and not your undies. Took me years to get my head round that one.

More importantly, really, so I don't know why I didn't lead with it today, Jamie Lawrence could make a surprise return to the GTFC line-up this Saturday. The 'experienced' midfielder played considerably less badly than all Nicky Law's other signings in his two-and-a-bit games for the Mariners before suffering leg gash at Loftus Road on Easter Saturday, and was expected to sit out the rest of the season but could be back against Brentford, says Law. Fingers crossed, then, given the way Stuart Campbell reverted to type at Edgeley Park. Craig Armstrong - oh yeah, I forgot about him! - could miss the rest of the season with thigh gam, though. "Darren Barnard, Jason Crowe and Stacy Coldicott have all missed training today, but they should all train on Thursday," adds the Millennium Dome.

"Nerr, I don't like all that spicy food!" "Huhhh, nice 'airdo! Yer fuckin grebo freak!" "I'm sorry, we don't sell the Guardian." Three phrases often heard in Grimsby - but the GTFC catering team now is taking a brave and innovative leap into the 20th century by stocking the Blundell Park food 'n' drink kiosks with chicken balti pies, following a decade-long struggle by a small but vocal minority of Town fans who are not afflicted by the region's congenital fear of coriander. Local campaigners against the outside world have denounced the move as "another nail on the slippery coffin slope towards a flood of French."

Today's final word goes to Paul Thundercliffe, who has a super money-saving idea for Town fans who want a new shirt but have spent all their money on Young's Mariners Pie. "For those who think £40 is a bit steep," says PT, "go to teamsportswear.co.uk and buy a Nike 'Barca' top for £13.80. Then stick a Town badge on it and you have the new kit! Well that's what Town did!" You go first then, Paul...