Cod Almighty | Diary

Diary - Friday 18 June 2004

18 June 2004

"I don't know what I want - but I want it now!" So roared Sir Henry at Rawlinson End to his butler, Scrotum, as he blasted the ceiling with both barrels. When someone asked Viv Stanshall why he named the character Scrotum, his reply was reported to be: "Because he's a wrinkled retainer, of course."

The aforementioned, gentle readers, serves to demonstrate all that is best about the English: capable of ineffably droll wordplay, and possessed of an enduring ability to be perceived by the world at large as failing to meet our potential. Usually because we don't really understand what it is we want to achieve. Do the supporters of Grimsby Town really know what they want? Or are they like Sir Henry - wasted to hell, acutely conscious of the horribly inexorable way that tock follows tick every bloody morning, and struggling to articulate what would actually make them happy?

But don't worry, folks, I've boiled it all down, examined the scrapings at the bottom of the pan, and discovered that there are common Town goals: financial survival for another season; sticking to 4-4-2; avoiding the long ball game; maintaining respect by trying to play passing football; signing committed and enthusiastic players. It is fairly obvious already that Slade, Rodger and Fenty are trying hard at the first and last. As for tactics, time will tell, and your Guest Diarist's breath remains bated. By the way, for those of you who exclaim that 'staying up' is the be-all and end-all of everything, well I'm not so sure. Life's too short to spend it watching bad football, says this classic English layabout.

Ignoring the 'lies, damned lies, and statistics' adage for once, I can cheer you all up by reporting that ace Cod Almighty burrower Mark Stilton has cleverly worked out that Justin Whittle played a total of 18 league matches for the Tigers last season. The results for those matches read P18 W11 D7 L0. Goals conceded 17. Impressive, or what? There is also a well-written eulogy to Justin's time at Hull in the Hull Daily Mail today. Having read it, I'm warming to him already.

As predicted in yesterday's Diary, and everywhere else actually, the club has finally owned up to signing Simon Ramsden, via a piece on the official site. Simon, whose personal website does not appear to have been the most popular place on the interweb, judging by the complete absence of entries on the questions page, admits to knowing former Mariner John Oster "really well". He then promises to hot-foot it round to Johnny's place immediately on return to the north-east, to get the low down on life, the Universe and, more importantly, Cleethorpes. Before you ask, yes, I have sent him a question. More on this story later.

Dick of Legbourne, sounding more like a bloke from the middle ages, rather than the heading-rapidly-towards-middle-aged bloke that he probably is, has written in babbling on about the 'buzz' at Blundell Park these days: "New players are arriving intrigued because Town's gaffer has got two heads. Shaking hands with the most recent acquisition Simon Ramsden, the photograph on the official site clearly shows that Russell's a freak and that his alter-ego is actually growing out of his right shoulder. Blummin' heck, Graham Rodger is just being used!!" My advice is to lay off the cat-nip, Dick. The buzz is one thing, but it wreaks havoc with your eyesight later on.

Brum-based Cod Almighty lead vocalist, Pete Green, has been wasting the day away again reading obscure provincial newspapers and has spotted that Slade's old club are kicking up mightily about alleged illegal approaches by Grimsby to midfield player Scott Kerr. The Scarborough Evening news reported yesterday that Boro chairman Malcolm Reynolds is fuming over an approach by "an agent working for the Mariners". Kerr, who has already signed a contract extension, has now been made club captain, to show how much he is loved and wanted by those Seadogs. Don't worry Malcolm - the chances of the Mariners being able to pay anyone a transfer fee these days are roughly zero. Feathers are not sufficiently ruffled, however, to cancel the proposed pre-season friendly between the clubs, and Mr Reynolds' parting shot makes him sound like a whining child as he tell us: "I am really appalled - it has caused so much ill-feeling at the club. I'm not sure if we will be following things up because the damage has already been done now." Stop whining Malcolm, and eat your tea.