Cod Almighty | Diary

He'll never never never never never never do it again

18 February 2022

Is tonight's game at Southend going to be on or off? The storm Waqar Younis is due to arrive amidst apocalyptic predictions of skinnier people being blown away and ending up in the magical land of Oz. I wonder if they have Covid there? That lion is going to be bricking it. Vaccinating tin men can't be easy anyway.

Most of Britain has the Beaufort Scale but of course we have the BP Fortress Scale at Town so we can decide whether or not it is too windy to play.

BP Fortress Scale and Effects

1 - Steve Wraith's hair improved.

2 - James Mckeown's clearances hit pitch.

3 - Lennell's lay-offs become become more likely to reach Town player. Fat bloke in Pontoon puts vest on.

4 - Paul Hurst feels strangely unsettled and melancholy. Seventies referees' combovers lose integrity.

5 - Crayfish vol-au-vents blown out of hands. Stewards rolling across pitch. Corner flags look cool.

6 - John Fenty's gazebo blows down. Floodlights rotate. Match becomes even more of a lottery. Chips found in unexpected areas.

7 - Paul Hurst's thoughts turn to wild nights on t'moors wi' Big Betty an' a six pack. Corner flags look METAL!1!! Fat bloke in Pontoon puts t-shirt on. Shaun Pearson able to fly. Main Stand found in Hull Docks. Luke Waterfall used as ballast by lighter players. Police warn public not to approach Steve Wraith's hair.

8 - MATCH OFF

Of course this only applies to Town, though as a seaside town one imagines that Southend's criteria will be similar, though possibly including something about jellied eels. In the unlikely event it goes ahead, best of luck to everyone travelling or involved.

Rumours abound that Tranmere striker Emmanuel Dieseruvwe is on his way on loan. Six foot five, goalscoring record unimpressive but there you go. I've thought this season that in the last desperate few minutes of a routine defeat Town have lacked someone to unsettle defences in the mixer area, so maybe that's going to be his role.

A short diary today as I have hatches to batten down, mainbraces to splice and chips to remove. UTM and stay safe.