Cod Almighty | Diary

Stop dreaming of the quiet life, the one we'll never know

8 January 2026

It's 6am and the town is still sleeping in the frozen hours pre-dawn. But the planes rumble and drone overhead, no doubt supporting whatever it is that is going on in the world. Your Guest diarist knows a bit about Greenland having managed an IT project there in the nineties. It was cold enough to necessitate leaving your engine running whilst you got a warm in the bar and it was obvious that mother Denmark did not give two shits about the place. So, departing from my usual fiercely apolitical stance I say independence for Greenland! And, by the way, do you have any promising young footballers we can have?

Speaking of the frozen north me and the missus come from different cultures. Her ancestry is pure Viking proven by the Dupuytren's Contracture, a genetic mutation exclusively limited to Scandinavia, which has reduced both her hands to claws. She wears them as a badge of honour and they are a useful excuse to avoid potato peeling etc. Me, I am a proud member of the Corieltauvian tribe who were peaceful, collegiate farming folk who co-existed with the invading Romans by ignoring them apart from trading vegetables. I traded a bag of home-grown seed potatoes yesterday for four brace of Partridges so that makes me a fully paid-up surviving member. Remember gentle reader a man is a success if he gets up in the morning and goes to bed at night and in between does what he wants to do.

Oh, in case you have only tuned in hotfoot for news about Grimsby Town there isn't any and I've run out of opinions - although there are more on order. If you want breathless opinion, long-winded banter and crap jokes you need to look elsewhere. Sorry about that - "I know we've been a bit shit lately but we'll be better soon, honest."

January is holiday time for gardeners and growers so we have booked a midweek mini break in Cleethorpes at a posh hotel on the front from the 20th. So if you stumble upon a doddery Viking accompanied by a long-haired Corieltauvian muttering about onion seeds don't hesitate to stop us and say hello. See yer.