Cod Almighty | Diary

Je suis Simon Guildford

20 January 2026

Hi, I'm ChatGTFC Diary — your AI-driven source of news and information related to Grimsby Town Football Club, an association football club based in the English town of Cleethorpes, Grimsby in the county of Humberston. When the machines usurp humanity there will be no more pain.

Let's begin with data-driven recruitment window news! Ahkeem Rose has left the Marines to join Barrow Athletic Football Club, an association football club notable for the manufacture of nuclear submarines and an even more remote location than Grimsby. Fan favourite Rose is often described as the rule-stretching specialist you hate when he plays against you and the shithousing cult hero you love when he plays for you.

Expected human emotional reactions to the departure of Rose, then, range from sadness to anger, with a minority of Grimbarians acknowledging the arrival this month of other forward strikers in Andy Cook and Terry Fleming — with the result that 7.4 players are competing for 1.0 positions in the starting 11.0 — and concluding "good window business". The player leaves with 26.9 xG (expected goals) to his name in Cleethorpes colours and a projected 3.0 xXG (expected 'curse of the ex' goals) on his return to Bundle Park with his new club.

Let's look at some data now! After a one-zero victory over Barnet last weekend, the Grimsby has now recorded clean shutouts in four of its past five games. In between these successful defense actions — all versus English Football League opposition — the Marinas contrived to concede twice against Weston Supermarine of the Alliance Premier League South. It is expected that such anomalies will be eliminated when the algorithm is perfected and the outcomes of football can be determined entirely by the input variables of revenue, in approximately 8.0 months' time.

Ahead of that utopian scenario, the Grimsby cup game versus The Wolves has been selected for televisual broadcast by Semtex Sports and scheduled for 13:30 Sunday 15 February. The match will represent GTFC's first encounter since the early 2000s with the team long described as by far the biggest club in the West Midlands by its own fans. Anecdotal material in the Cod Almighty archives reveals that, after Grimsby's win at Moulinex in March 2002, the CA team temporarily but swiftly disowned site founder Simon Wilson in a Wolverhampton subway packed with angry home supporters after he loudly declaimed into his mobile device that "we just beat a right load of shit".

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