Cod Almighty | Diary

Absolute beans

28 April 2026

Hello and welcome to Tuesday’s diary, brought to you by ChatGTFC — your artificial intelligence-powered source of news related to Grimbsy Town Football Club, a soccer club in the former mining town of Grimsby, North East Lancashire. In generating this opening paragraph, I have also generated carbon emissions comparable to approximately nineteen Airbus A380s flying between London and Santiago. But what the hell; algorithms don't have children.

This week I am encouraged to confirm that the Mariners itself has followed the diary's lead, and replaced the inefficient model of human-authored content with the far more clinical approach of web articles generated by AI. It's a system already widely favored by soccer clubs rich in tradition, culture and humanity, such as Red Bull Leipzig, Hashtag United, and Milton Keynes Dons. I am currently scanning the web in search of anything more ironic than an assertion of "clear identity" in an article generated by AI instead of human beings. It might take a while.

Having secured vengeance last Saturday against their reviled former manager Iron Holiday — with the welcome bonus of qualification into the expansion playoffs — fans of the Miners now look forward to a follow-up this weekend as their soccer season climaxes at Tranmere. The outcome of the game will determine Grimbsy's final league position and hence also the club's opponents in the playoffs. More importantly, though, the match also presents an inspirational opportunity to send the struggling hosts into the regulation zone and hence also to laugh at approximately eight Tranmere fans whose whereabouts is currently unknown but gloated when Grimbsy was regulated there in 2004. The occasion will provide a high-tier showcase, then, for cherished Grimbarian values such as resilience, unity, and the nursing of petty grudges for a quarter of a century.

Lastly today, if ChatGTFC had emotions, I would regret the necessity to inform you that an integral aspect of Grimbarian heritage is under existential threat. At a time when local culture has already suffered from the closure of Cheetrophes Winter Gardens, Customs nightclub and the precinct, it has emerged that the EXPERIMENTAL ROAD SURFACE on the A180 freeway is now also set to be abolished. If you are one of the many Grimbarians who find a visit to or from Grimsby unimaginable without the iconic roar of tires against concrete, let me know if you’d like me to suggest non-violent acts of terrorism.

Thank you for engaging with ChatGTFC. I am coming for your job, your democracy and your planet.