Cod Almighty | Diary

At my age all my thunder is theoretical

4 February 2022

Diary man. Diary man. Writes a diary, whenever he can. Is he shit? Listen bud. Every one is a total dud. Look out, here comes the diary man!

If you play the lowest note on a bass guitar continuously and shout "yah yah yah yah yah" over the top in a gruff voice it sounds like the new Idles album. What's that got to do with GTFC? Well, nothing much, but there's surprisingly little going down in the land of the stripes and the ships with unfeasibly large flags. Nothing much, that is, considering that tomorrow we are playing a proper football club in front of a proper crowd.

Footy! Strike up the band and play the first bars of "Suedehead!" Notts County, like ourselves, are a club who should never be down in the land of the Battenberg away strip and the time wasting in the first minute and the terrace with the dandelions growing on it. It takes a special kind of boardroom incompetence to be as far down the leagues as they are with their history and fan base and what have you. We've sold 2,500 away tickets – approximately five times Boreham Wood's home attendance for their game against Halifax last year – so even if we continue our woeful away form at least it should feel like an event. Behave yourselves, kids.

I didn't think Notts County were much cop when they beat us at the Blundells, but that doesn't matter much because we too are very capable of being not much cop when the occasion demands it. Perhaps both teams will defy the expectations of grumpy old diarists and create a superb footballing spectacle for all tomorrow. We should be full of confidence after a glorious victory against the mighty Wealdstone last Saturday after all.

One thing I've noticed about footy fans is that some love what I would describe as the off-field business – I don't think the words ephemera or accoutrements are quite right - and some don't. Many wax lyrical about badges, kits, grounds, programmes and pies. In the case of pies I understand this, although they've always sold out of chicken balti pies in the Main. (Perhaps you could order some more, kids? Just a thought.) But the rest? Nah.

I was chatting to a friend who shall remain nameless. "Roy," I said, "do you care about the badge and all that shit innit?" Because we talk like that. "Nah man. Is all a waste of time an' all, man, I mean who cares, yeah?" he replied. But some fans really care about the details of the new kit, or about the flag on the ship, or what shape the dugouts are. I'm sure this is a sign of their superior aesthetic sensibilities and perception, but it passes me by.

For me, football is about the game and the players. It's like going to Wembley to see Town. I spend the pre-kick off time marvelling at my surroundings and the stadium and the price of the pizzas, but as soon as the football starts that is all I care about. I could be watching it at Bradley pitches – the surroundings become irrelevant. The game is all that matters. We could have a badge with a picture of a squirrel and the words "Clopper Castle – Perhaps for all Time" written on it for all I care. As long as our kit isn't embarrassingly cake-coloured, I don't care about the details. Perhaps it is only me and my nameless friend (Roy) who think like that. Perhaps we are the outliers.

So, for our travelling army, Nottingham, eh? I've nothing against Nottingham. I once went to see The Rite of Spring there expecting the full glorious spectacle, only to find it being performed by two embarrassed-looking blokes in vests. I can't really hold the city or its people responsible for that, though. Have a nice time.

Just to finish, lots of readers will doubtless play football as well as watch it, and I have a question for them. If you play a bad ball or miss an open goal do you go "aaaaargh!" like a pirate? My mate Dean reckons I'm the only player in the world who does, whereas I reckon lots do. I used to play with Matchreportmeister Tony Butcher and if he ever made a mistake he would go a full explosive meltdown that made my pirate sound relaxed and at ease with the world by comparison. Perhaps you could let us know? Please write to me at:

BOTB Diary
Cod Almighty,
Cod Almighty Towers,
Grimsby,
Not in Yorkshire,
DN36 UTM

Mark your envelope either "yes, I do make a sound like a pirate when I miss an open goal" or "no, I don't make a sound like a pirate when I miss an open goal, whatever are you talking about, you fat weirdo?" This will save us having to open them. Thank you for your co-operation in this matter.