Cod Almighty | Diary

I'm in the kitchen with the Tombstone Blues

15 May 2025

The rhythmic beat of another close season has formed. Tractors have been filmed. The dull repetition of the Chairman admitting that he knows the pitch has been a bit shit lately but it will be better soon, honest has been heard. Hey! he said, our shit pitch meant we knew better than most how to deal with Colchester's even shitter one! All the money spent on it last year at this time will be spent again, but this time it will work. Maybe.

And the team. Well he says, all the top teams were a bit shit towards the end. And far be it for us to be an exception. But such a lovely group, I hope they don't split after that difficult second album. We want the good ones to stay but they probably have more ambition than we do so the chances are they won't. Listening back to back the CEO and the Chairman's interviews your Guest Diarist came out of the other side forcing himself to be charitable. But at 5am, in the cold silence broken only by the raucous crows, it is hard to be optimistic.

As Marley was a Natural Mystic I am a natural sceptic, Georg Hegel used to say "the one thing we learn from history is that we do not learn from history".  Mr Pettit explained that the relationship with Jamestown (the data people) will continue. Yes, there is a contract and there will be until there isn't. A year ago I asked for "Taller, Stronger, Faster players". What arrived were smaller, cleverer, promising. On a good day they clicked - you could see the training ground programming working. But if the opposition were savvy they rumbled the plan and then the small clever players just looked weak, slow and a bit helpless. The Plan B, if you can call it that, just looked desperate. We shipped far too many goals, lost far too many winning positions, and too often were dull to watch. Yes there were magical moments, memorable victories. And like childbirth the pain and misery of all the forgettable performances will dim with time. But at the moment all I am getting is the failed experiment vibe.

So the algorithms will probably send us more of the same to replace the loanees, the leavers and the released. We never had a better chance to fluke promotion than last season. A weird dalliance with the play-offs one season means nothing when the next season arrives. Next season will be harder, believe me. It always is.

Taller, stronger, faster pleas got me nowhere so this time I will ask for Pace and Power. Shorter, simpler. Run that through the focus group for me Polly. See yer.