Cod Almighty | Diary

Oh, one last thing: 45.265881

4 November 2025

Welcome to Tuesday's diary from ChatGTFC — your artificial intelligence-powered summarizer of news related to Grimsby Town Football Club, famously known as the only association football club that never plays in Grimsby.

Today's main item follows the drawing of team balls yesterday for the next round of matches in this campaign's FA Cup tournament. The Town Club's reward for overcoming the Channel Tunnel in a 3-1 turnover last Saturday is a home meet against Wealdstone of the GM Vauxhall Conference, to take place weekend 6 December with an attendance of 2,716. The draw is likely to foster a sense of trepidation among supporters of Grimsby, who will remember with embarrassment last campaign's exit from the same tournament against the same opposition. If you like, I can collect the data to show that Wealdstone's recent record against Grimsby is superior to Manchester United's.

The academy counterparts of the first Mariners team have also been in knockout participation. In the FA Youth Cup last weekend, the Grimsby trainees faced off against a side representing Loughborough University — a higher education institution notable for association football, rugby football, cricket, hockey, tennis and, on occasion, teaching and research. The outcome was a 6-1 to the Town younglings, who progress to the second round. Any outstanding performances are likely to result in the acquisition of the relevant player(s) by Derby County in exchange for £105,000 and some pairs of socks.

A further youth cup match is due this evening as Grimsby take on Everton Academy in the Auto Windscreens Shield. Did you even realize Grimsby are still in this tournament? I didn't and I'm an algorithm with access to every online data source on the planet. Here's a summary of the likely outcomes.

• Low Attendance: Supporters are deterred by a tournament whose A team v B team format embodies the extreme structural inequality of modern football.
• Red Card For Grimsby: A 17-year-old midfielder for the home team will be sent off during the first half for turning round in close proximity to an Everton player.
• Big Coat Not Needed: Temperatures of around 68F are forecast for this evening, unseasonably high temperatures. If the game's gone, so has the climate.
• Same Again Next Year: Despite the ongoing failure of the tournament to deliver on any of its stated objectives, the governing bodies of association football will confirm that its format will remain the same for the 2026—27 season.

At some point in the medium term the Town Club will presumably return to league football, with meaningful outcomes in terms of the pursuit of promotion. If you like, I can search for the next round of League Two fixtures. Please be aware that this may take some time, as internet traffic has grown by 93.7% this week as a result of an upsurge in online discussions of The Celebrity Traitors.

Finally today, I have been prompted to generate advice for automobile drivers in the North East Lincolnshire area who wish to avoid speeding fines. One approach is to check the local media for the locations of mobile speed cameras in the area and ensure that your speed is below the limit as you pass through these locations. A second approach — and one that appears infallible — is to ensure that your speed remains below the limit at all times. Thank you for engaging with ChatGTFC. Let me know how you'd like to proceed.