Cod Almighty | Diary

Rosencrantz and Gilsenan are alive

5 November 2025

So, if Brentford beat Liverpool, and Liverpool beat Real Madrid, and we lost to Brentford - does that mean we're worse than all of them? Hehe. Can't argue with that logic!

One thing that never occurred to me when I was asked to write the Wednesday diary was how many times I'd be Johnny-on-the-spot for the Premier League Sycophants and Lickspittles Cup. Last night, for example, we played Everton's Under 21 team in a downpour of such strength it seemed ample evidence that God hates the competition as much as we do. I watched the highlights - so you don't have to - and it's fair to say the game was conducted at a leisurely pace. The first goal, by an Evertonian, was celebrated but the rest of the scorers just turned and headed back downfield as though they'd just put the bins out. 

Sort of new signing Rosencratz Gilsenan played, scored, and wore pink boots. That's all I'm saying about it, because it's not worth my words.

Wealdstone! That's what I wanted to talk to you about. What are the chances? What are the chances, eh? Twice in 13 months in the same competition. Cuh, dear. My memories of that game are hazy, but I seem to recall the ball being in their six yard box approximately 2,000 times in the first half and me and my little chums in the Pontoon laughing our heads off as we joked that, if we failed to score, they could fight back and win it with a scrambled goal in the last second. Cuh, dear. The tie is also special for Jase in the Pontoon, who is a big Wealdstone fan, and strangely also for Scunny, whose fans are very keen for us to win. Yes, I said it. 

For those not in the know - which included me until Retro Diary phoned me two minutes ago - the Scunny-Wealdstone league game earlier in the season was abandoned in the 90th minute because a Wealdstone player got injured. Not a life threatening injury, but one that took a lot of treatment. When he was all well again everybody, including the referee, were ready to play the last bit of injury time out. Well, everybody apart from the Wealdstone team who were back on the team coach larking about and eating Hariboburgers. No sensible reason has ever been given as to why they thought they could just leave the game unfinished, but it does rather reek of tinpottery. A formal hearing gave the points to Scunny but didn't deduct the goal difference from Wealdstone's total or give the +1 to Scunny. A useful tip for Town there if we are ever losing 6-0. Just run away. 

So, Scunny fans, for one afternoon, we will be family. Don't get any ideas though.

Having established that Wealdstone are a bit cheaty-wheaty, I must put in a word for their fans. When we played last time I spent a whole diary condemning Wealdstone as a carbuncle on the face of the Earth, an area of squalor and disappointment that made Hartlepool look like Bruges. This found its way to the Wealdstone fans, who immediately took to Twitter and furiously pointed out that they agreed with me. We love such self-effacement and suggest they go up the road and support Watford or Ruislip Manor or someone a bit less runawayish, where they will be appreciated more and Scunny fans won't hate them as much.

So, I'm liking the Wealdstone fans, I'm standing with the Scunny fans, and I didn't hate Brentford after they thrashed us. What's happening to me? I'm too young to mellow! Big family of football! Football is the winner! Aaargh!